Your Name is Amelia.
You are 18 years old.
Today is a Monday - and your first day of college.
[[You're excited.->S2]] / [[You're anxious.->S2]]
Your name is Jamie.
Today is your 18th birthday.
It's also a Monday. And your first day of college.
Your new roommates, who you just met, want to throw you a party.
[[“Sure, why not!”->H2]] / [[“I’m not a party person.”->H2]]
Your new roommate, Jess, is going to a party on the other side of campus.
She says there will be boys there.
She says you should come and meet new people.
[["Sure, let's do it."->S2-A]] / [["Maybe next time."->S2-B]]
Three hours later.
You’re a little drunk. You want to go home but you can’t find Jess.
You decide to walk home alone instead, and send Jess a text saying so.
As you walk out of the house, a guy runs past you, making you drop your phone.
“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” he asks.
He picks up your phone, and hands it back to you. You see his face. You’re almost distracted by how cute he is and how sincere his sorry was.
You snap out of it. Maybe it’s the alcohol.
[[“Are you blind?”->S2-A-A]] / [[“It’s okay. Thank you."->S2-A-B]]
"I’m not, but if I was,” he says, "you’d feel really bad about saying that."
"How do you know?” you retort, “My anger doesn't discriminate."
He laughs. You smile.
"I'm still sorry. I also go by Jamie."
“Amelia."
You see Jess in the crowd. You give her a “?” look. She nods back and gives you a thumbs up.
"Would you accept a drink to make things even?” he asks.
"It's a party with free alcohol, there is no drink to buy."
You think you’re so clever giving that answer. Points Amelia.
"Who said anything about buying? I was just going to bring you stale watered down beer in a used cup."
"I think I'll pass."
Good idea, stand your ground. Let him know you're not that girl. You don't want to be that girl.
If he wants your time, he'll have to earn it.
At this moment, you really want him to try.
"Can I walk you home instead?” he asks.
[[You say yes.->S3]]
"I hope it's still working. Some people, they have some sort of 'my precioussss' gollum-y thing with their iPhone screen,” he says.
"I'm not...one of those people,” you say as you hug your phone with your cheek.
He laughs. You smile.
"I'm still sorry. I also go by Jamie."
“Amelia."
You see Jess. You give her a “?” look. She nods back and gives you a thumbs up.
"Can I get you an apology drink?” he asks.
"No, I think I've had enough."
You don't want to drink more, but in this moment you also don't want him to stop talking to you.
So what are you going to do?
"Can I walk you home, then?” he asks.
[[You say yes.->S3]]
Three Hours Later.
You get a text. It’s Jess. She’s drunk and doesn’t remember how to get back home.
You get to the party. You go through the whole house but you can’t find Jess.
“You look out of place, Alice."
You’re dressed in your pajamas. That wasn’t the theme of the party. And this definitely isn't your idea of a wonderland.
You turn towards the voice to look at him. You see his face. You’re almost distracted by how cute he is. Almost.
[["I'm looking for my friend."->S2-B-A]] / [["Hop away, Mr. Rabbit."->S2-B-B]]
He walks you to your dorm. You talk along the way. He tells you about why he chose this university.
He asks you about your life back home.
“Only child. My parents had a hard time letting me go to college on the other side of the country. What about you?"
“Oh, my parents couldn’t wait to get me out of the house. In fact, I don’t even think they've noticed I've gone. I’ve got two older brothers. They’ve done this enough times to not worry…or care."
You see your dorm, you start to walk slower.
“You watch movies?” he asks.
“That’s quite a general question."
You need to keep this sarcasm thing at playfully casual, you don't want to scare him away.
“Haha. Alright. What kind of movies do you like?"
“Hmm. Depends on the mood. Right now, just this past week actually, I’ve been watching a lot of old period films."
“Jeez. Please tell me they don’t have subtitles."
“I said period films. Not foreign."
“What kind of period are we talking?"
“Early 20th century. Some that were made back then, some that were made today, but take you back to that time."
“Let me guess, you enjoy them for their simpler living and cultural attributes."
“Partly. I just find the idea of making something about the past. Not just to relive, but to understand. And to appreciate. These movies, they are like time machines. You can go anywhere, visit any place."
“Hmm, I experience something similar. I love watching those movies that they show on planes. Movies that I can watch while I’m being transported to another place."
“Are you mocking my moody and boring taste?"
“No, no! Just…trying to relate to it…and failing apparently."
You’re at your dorm building. Before you can say it...
“Well, thanks for walking me home,” he says with a smirk.
“What? You live here?"
“Well, yeah. You didn’t give me any directions our entire walk from the party so I assumed you live nearby too."
“Hah! I didn’t notice…nor did I remember how to get here."
“Well…welcome home,” he says.
You look at your dorm, and the campus around you. Your home for the next four years.
You're quite sure he asked you about the movie thing to ask you out. This isn't your first rodeo - you know when a guy is interested.
You're just not sure why he hasn't ask you out yet.
So you wonder, should you ask him why he wanted to know about your movie preferences, or should you just wait for him to get the courage to ask you out, eventually.
Once you think it over, you're less sure about this. Maybe he was just making small talk. Maybe the alcohol should be blamed for this overconfidence.
So what do you want to do?
[[Ask him.->S3-A]] / [[Say good night.->S3-B]]
"What does she looks like?” he asks.
You tell him about Jess.
"You mean, that girl?” he says as he points to Jess, who is playing a game of beer pong in the backyard.
You give her a “?” look. She nods back and gives you a thumbs up.
"I guess I’ve been tricked."
"Maybe it’s destiny,” he says.
"Destiny can't text."
"Yes I can."
You laugh. He smiles.
“Jamie,” he says.
“Amelia."
Jamie offers to get your a drink. You say yes.
An hour later, Jamie offers to walk you home.
[[You say yes.->S3]]
"Rough night eh, Doc?” he asks.
"I'm looking for someone...and it's not you."
"Ouch. Lucky guy."
You sense the sarcasm because it's obvious.
"Girl. Roommate. Drunk. Missing. Help or leave."
"Yes, ma'am. What does she looks like?"
You tell him about Jess.
"You mean, that girl?” he says as he points at Jess, who is playing a game of beer pong in the backyard.
You give her a “?” look. She nods back and gives you a thumbs up.
"I guess I’ve been tricked."
"Maybe it’s destiny,” he says.
"Destiny can’t text."
"Yes I can."
You laugh. He smiles.
“I’m Amelia."
“Jamie,” he says.
Jamie offers to get your a drink. You say yes.
An hour later, Jamie offers to walk you home.
[[You say yes.->S3]]
“Uh, yeah. I was just wondering, if you’d like to…if you want to…"
Just ask already.
“…go for a movie sometime? With me, I mean."
“Hmm…even one with subtitles?"
“Hmm…no promises. How about Saturday?"
“Hmm. Wait. Let’s rewind a bit. I have a question."
“Okay…what is it?"
“Why."
“Why…what?"
“Why should I say yes."
“To a movie? Because it would be rude and wasteful if I bought two tickets and you didn’t show up…?"
“No, not to the movie. To this…date. It’s a date, isn’t it?"
“Uh, yeah. Sounds like one when you say it like that."
“So why should I say yes?"
“Hmm. Why not?"
“Don’t try to play that answer a question with a question trick…"
“Hey! It’s a sincere question. Haven’t you lived your first 18 years with enough ‘Why’s’. Wouldn’t you rather just say why not?"
“I wouldn’t. The why not answer is easy. I’ve only known you for what…an hour? You could be some crazy stalker, for all I know. Or worse…you could be boring."
“Yeah, but you don’t know."
“Exactly. Hence the why."
"I think the alcohol charm is wearing off."
“Precisely. Best time to make decisions."
“This isn’t the interrogation I expected…this early. Like even pre first date early."
“You’re saying an awful lot, but I’m not hearing an answer."
“Fine. First date offer rescinded."
“What? Why?!"
“Why not."
“Hmm. You’re funny."
“I didn’t imagine this would be the way you would find out…but…yeah…yes I am."
“Okay. Let’s play your game. Ask me again."
“Uff. Would you like to go out with me…on a date…to a movie…this friday?"
“Friday? I thought you said Saturday."
“I know. But given the turn of events...I changed my mind. What’s your answer?"
[[You say why not.->S4]]
It’s Friday. 6pm. You’re walking back from class, your last of the day.
You hear a voice coming from behind you.
“Hey! Amelia!”
It’s Jamie.
“Hey there,” you say as he catches up to you. He must have been running.
“How was your day?” he says as he catches his breath.
“Pretty good, just finished my first week of classes."
“Sweet,” he says, “are you doing anything later?"
“Not really, why?"
“Are you doing anything…right now?"
“No…and now I sound like I don’t have a life...and again…why?"
“I was just thinking…it’s Friday…you’re not doing anything…I’m not doing anything…did I mention that? So if we’re both free, I was thinking...maybe you want to go out…side of campus…with me."
“Ah, you mean, like…for a movie or something?"
“Sureeee. Wait...Is that whole period film thing just a phase or a requirement?"
“I think I can make an exception. Given the limited options at the movie theater tonight."
“I’ll take that."
An hour later, you and Jamie are walking to the movie theater in the nearby mall.
“Can I ask you something,” you say.
"Sure."
“Why."
“Why…what?"
“Why are we doing this."
“Watching a movie? Because we decided to…and it would be rude and weird if we walked to the theater and you decided to leave abruptly?"
“No, not the movie. This…date. It’s a date, isn’t it?"
“Uh, yeah. Sounds like one when you say it like that."
“So why ask me out? Actually, better question: why should I agree to this being a date?"
“Hmm. Why not?"
“Don’t try to play that answer a question with a question trick…"
“Hey! It’s a sincere question. Haven’t you lived your first 18 years with enough ‘Why’s’. Wouldn’t you rather just say why not?"
“I wouldn’t. The why not answer is easy. I’ve only known you for what…a couple days? You could be some crazy stalker, for all I know. Or worse…you could be boring."
“Yeah, but you don’t know."
“Exactly. Hence the why."
“This isn’t the interrogation I expected…this early. Like even pre first date early."
“You’re saying an awful lot, but I’m not hearing an answer."
“Fine. First date offer rescinded."
“What? Why?!"
“Why not."
“Hmm. You’re funny."
“I didn’t imagine this would be the way you would find out…but…yeah…yes I am."
“Okay. So this is just a movie with a friend. Not a date."
“Not a date,” he says.
“Sounds alright to me,” you say.
Two hours later, you’re walking out of the movie.
“Hey,” he says, “so now that we’re friends…you want to do our first date?"
“That was quick. Our friendship must be so strong already."
“I’d like to think so."
“What did you have in mind?"
“How about…we have dinner…in that restaurant,” he says as he points to the Mexican place across the street from the theater, “right now?"
You both stop walking. He holds your hand. You look into his green eyes.
[[You say why not.->S4]]
Six Months Later.
“A List?"
“Yes, a list. Every girl has one."
“Pray tell me…what is on your list?"
“I don’t think you’re ready for this reality-bomb.”
“Oh but I am ready to find out the extent of your crazy."
“Well, I want to be challenged, but respected. Treated like I’m everything you want, but also not the only thing you want. I want freedom, and the comfort of your arms in the night...only when I desire it. I want…"
“I’m hearing a lot of ‘I’s, what about us men? Are we actually bringing anything to this list?"
“Of course. You have the privilege of being considered for the position. You get to pass...or fail."
“So it’s less of a list…more of a test."
“If seeing it as a challenge makes you want to win any more, sure."
“Alright. So all we basically have to do is exist…and await judgement while pretending to have any say in the matter."
“Well, sweety, technically you’re not pretending because you’re unaware of the test at all times until your judgement day comes - which really could be any day. So you’re not pretending...but more like being distracted from your relationship’s reality."
“Ah. Right. We can’t prepare for a test we weren’t told to be ready for."
“Yes!"
“And unlike school where you get tested at regular intervals…this one is constantly being tested and evaluated."
“Pretty much."
“So…shall I dare to ask…how am I doing so far?"
“Aw. Nice trick. I can’t tell you that. But the fact that I’ve revealed the existence of the Matrix should be a good sign."
“Good. Because I do have a surprise for you."
“Really? You might just get bonus points for this! Shhh. Who said that? Don’t listen to her. What is it?"
“I have a list too."
“WHAT?"
“I do."
“What’s on this list?"
“I don’t think you’re ready."
“Don’t test me, sweety."
“Alright. I have a list...a general rule really...something I try to abide by to the best of my ability...despite several counts of mistakes..."
“WHAT IS IT?!"
“To not let myself get lost...despite the temptation...when I meet someone worth losing myself into."
“I...don’t get it."
“Look, Amelia, what I’m really saying is that the way I feel about you...it makes me a bit scared. I came here, to this city, to this university...to become the person I want to be for the rest of my life...and I’m worried that the path that I’m on...trying to make you like me...trying to impress you with something new and spontaneous everyday...I don’t want to become lost in that. I guess what I’m really supremely failing at saying is that...I want you to love me for who I am today, and hopefully who I want to be tomorrow."
“Wait...are you trying to tell me...and yes this is a major failure in that attempt...that you love me?"
“I...was about to get to that...eventually."
“I’m sorry, is eventually today...or in three months? I’m not sure how long we’ve been in this conversation."
“Yeah…did I just admit that you scare me?"
“Yeah, buddy. You did."
“Hmm. So…you wanna get some thai food?"
“I…don’t you dare distract me with food right now...look,” you say as you hold his face in your hands, “I’m scared too. Not of you. Or me. I love me a lot. But I am scared of the fact that I met you right at the time that I wanted to just be me. But I can tell you this - I don’t want either of us to come in the way of the other."
“So I’m forgiven for saying that you’re crazy and you scare me?"
“For the moment,” you say as you get your keys, “so...you mentioned something about thai food?"
“Hey,” he says as he puts his arm around you, “I love you, Amelia."
[[You say you love him too.->S5]]
One Year Later.
You’re in a small cottage in a ski town. You came out here three days ago with Jamie.
This is your first trip together, just the two of you. No friends. No spring breakers. Just you and him.
Your parents have been taking you skiing since you were 5. You’re quite good, and quite cocky about your skills. Jamie used to love that about you.
You were really excited to bring him here. Jamie doesn’t know how to ski. You try to teach him, but he’s too proud.
On the first day, you tried to hit the slopes together, but Jamie couldn’t keep up.
On the second day, he asked you to go ahead of him.
On the third day (yesterday), he woke up before you, and left to take lessons by himself. He left you a note saying he’ll see you for lunch.
You got late for lunch because of a broken ski lift, and when you tried calling him, his phone was off. When you got back to the cottage in the evening, he was already asleep. When you check up on him, you see that he bruised his knee. You let him sleep.
Today, your last day here, you ask him to stay back at the cottage. You tell him you’ve had enough, and you just want to spend the day together at the cottage.
He doesn’t talk much, and after a couple hours he suggests you should go to the ski town and get a couple drinks.
He ends up having more than a couple. So do you. On your walk back, you see him struggling to walk on his bruised knee. You try to help him, but he politely declines.
By the time you get to the cottage, you’re having a fight. Your fifth big fight this month.
You want to ask him what’s really bothering him, but you’re afraid it’ll only make it worse.
[[Ask him.->S5-A]] / [[Let it go.->S6]]
“I wish we’d gone to a fucking beach or something,” he says as he angrily takes off his coat and shoes.
“We live an hour from the beach,” you say, calmly.
“You know what I mean."
"I thought you’d like the adventure…a change of scenery,” you say as you get ready for bed.
“I…I just want to go home."
[[“I’m sorry.”->S6]] / [[“I’m going to bed.”->S6]]
Two Months Later.
It’s 2am. You can’t sleep.
You’re about to finish your second year of college. Tomorrow is the last day of finals week. You haven’t slept properly in two weeks.
Summer is about to start. You got a call this morning that you got the internship you applied for. The one you applied for just to try your luck. The one you didn’t tell anyone about - even Jamie.
The one where you’ll be gone for the whole summer.
The one that’s 3,000 miles away. From here. From your family. From Jamie.
You texted Jamie an hour ago to see if he was awake, and he hasn’t replied.
You haven’t spoken to him today. You haven’t seen him in three days. Finals week is never easy.
[[Call him.->S6-A]] / [[Try to sleep.->S6-B]]
“Hello?” he answers in a dazed voice.
“Hey."
“Are you okay?"
“I’m sorry. Were you asleep?"
“Yeah, didn’t sleep last night. Had three finals today."
“You have one tomorrow?"
“Yeah, one in the afternoon, then last one in the evening. What about you?"
“Yeah. Just one left. In about six hours."
“You should try and get some sleep."
“I can’t."
“Do you want me to come over?" he asks.
[[“Yes.”->S6-A-A]] / [[“No.”->S6-A-B]]
It’s 3am. You still can’t sleep. Your phone buzzes. It’s Jamie calling.
“Hey,” he says, in a dazed voice.
“Were you asleep? Or high?"
“Both. In reverse order. You okay? Just saw your text."
“Yeah, just couldn’t sleep."
“Yeah, I didn’t sleep last night. Had three finals today."
“You have one tomorrow?"
“Yeah, one in the afternoon, then last one in the evening. What about you?"
“Yeah. Just one left. In the evening."
“You should try and get some sleep. Or study."
“I’m done trying to do either."
“Do you want some company? I’m wide awake now."
“Are you sure?"
“Yeah, I’ll bring some food. You hungry?"
“I love you."
Twenty minutes later, there’s a knock on your door.
“Sorry,” Jamie whispers as he walks in to your apartment, “campus shuttle stopped working, and my stupid roommates ate all the food so all I have is some taco shells."
“You had me at taco,” you say as you hug him, “let’s see what my roommates left in fridge. We can make some franken-tacos."
The two of you make some just-what-was-needed late-night tacos.
You talk about your finals as you eat. Jamie makes a joke, you laugh. Neither of you talk about your relationship, or what’s going to happen to it this summer.
“Can you stay?” you ask as you clean up the dishes.
He gets in your bed, and holds you tight.
“You want to talk about…whatever is bothering you?" he asks.
[[Tell him you've missed him.->S7]] / [[“It can wait.”->S7]]
“Can you?"
“The campus shuttles have probably stopped running. It’s a ten minute walk…I…"
“It’s okay."
“I can come."
“No, it’s okay. You’re tired. Go back to sleep."
15 minutes later, there’s a knock on your window. You look out, and it’s Jamie. You open the door for him.
“How may I be of assistance?” he whispers as he enters your room.
You hug him right away.
“If you hug me any louder your roommates will wake up."
“They can go fuck themselves."
“Woah. What’s with the late night F-bomb?"
Jamie has a bag in his hand.
“Nothing. What’s that? Food?”
“Are you a hound?"
“WHAT IS IT?!"
“Taco…shells."
“Just the shells."
“Hey, I had a very little time window. I did my best."
You kiss him.
“You had me at taco,” you say as you hug him, “let’s see what my roommates left in the fridge. We can make some franken-tacos."
You talk about your finals as you eat. Jamie makes a joke, you laugh. Neither of you talk about your relationship, or what’s going to happen to it this summer.
"Can you stay?” you ask him as you clean the dishes.
He gets in your bed, and holds you tight.
“You want to talk about…whatever's bothering you?" he asks.
[[Tell him you've missed him.->S7]] / [[“No, I’m okay.”->S7]]
You get out of bed, and go for a walk outside your apartment.
You can’t decide when to tell Jamie about the internship. You can’t decide whether you should take the internship.
Then you realize, you’re more worried about telling him. You want this job. You haven’t thought at all about the scenario where you would say no to this job.
“Taco for your thoughts,” says a voice behind you. A voice you know. A voice you love.
It’s Jamie.
“Hey,” he says.
“You know, if you’re going to scare me in the middle of the night with a food reference, you better have…"
He presents a bag - full of taco shells.
“Sorry, it’s all I had in the apartment. My bastard roommates ate the other ingredients."
You smile.
“Maybe my bitchy roommates have the rest,” you say as you walk into your apartment.
The two of you make some just-what-was-needed late-night tacos.
You talk about your finals as you eat.
“Can you stay?” you ask as you clean up the dishes.
He gets in your bed, and holds you tight.
“Hey...are you okay? Something you want to talk about?" he asks.
[[Tell him you’ve missed him.->S7]] / [[“It can wait.”->S7]]
You’re in London.
You love your job. It’s unimaginably more challenging than you thought, but you like the environment, and the energy.
You haven’t spoken to Jamie since the weekend after the finals, almost three months ago.
Telling him about this internship, and this move, wasn’t easy. What made it worse was that you told him that you were moving right before he told you about what he had planned for the summer, for the two of you.
He had rented an apartment off-campus where you two would live for the summer. He was already working an extra job to pay for it. He was going to spend the summer working for the magazine he’s been freelancing for. It would give him the time to be with you while you took those summer classes you told him about.
He came to the airport to drop you off.
Right before you reached the security line, he told you that he had changed his mind, that he was going to go back home for the summer and work with his brothers.
“What about the job at the magazine?” you asked.
“I’ll figure something out,” he said.
He said that maybe this was a good thing. Maybe you needed to stop…this. That you both needed to be around something else…someone else.
What were you expecting? That would would leave him for three months with a two day notice and he'll just wait around for you?
You made a choice for the both of you.
So did he.
You didn’t cry in front of him, not until you sat on the plane.
And now it’s three months later. And you're okay.
London is weirdly cathartic. It's sad and depressing, but also full of so many people that it somehow makes the sadness part of it's charm. In the beginning you thought you made a huge mistake coming to this place, but after a couple weeks, it was exactly what you needed. It's a cold city that warms up to you, and that's exactly what you needed to feel to forget Jamie.
Last night, your coworkers took you out for drinks to celebrate your last week at the internship. The city at night - the same one that used to scare you just a few weeks ago - was now your escape.
You got a little drunk - just the right amount. Just what you wanted. People drink differently in London.
One of your coworkers hit on you. He had hinted that he likes you before, but this time you didn’t mind it.
You want to move on, but you don’t know what to move on to.
Around 1am, as some of the people start to leave, he asks you if you’d like to come with him to this house party at his friend’s house.
[["Why Not.”->S7-A]] / [["Sorry, I can’t.”->S7-B]]
One Year Later.
It’s over.
Your self-doubt. Your need to know everything at all times. Your desire to walk blindfolded into the unknown.
All your contradictions. You’re over them. You’re feeling like an adult for the first time.
You know you’ve said this to yourself before, but this time, you really do feel at your most mature-est.
Maybe next time you feel this you’ll come up with a better phrase to describe that.
But that’ll be the only thing that improves. You’re almost the person you want to be, you’re almost there.
And then there’s Jamie. Your own personal wild card. No matter how hard you try to go in any direction, he draws you towards him.
You resent him for having this power over you. But you also love him for being your beacon.
How can you ever be an independent woman if you keep yourself tied to an independent man?
Wow. A man and a woman. You’ve never thought of the two of you like that before.
Must be the maturity you just fully-self-realized.
Today is your three year anniversary. You don’t count the summer in London, nor do you talk about it. It was a phase, you tell yourself, and then you tell yourself that that is what he should be thinking too.
The final school year just started, and both of you haven’t seen each other in a month.
This last month of the summer, you went home to see your parents, and Jamie went on an assignment with the magazine.
It wasn’t easy reaching this point. Only you know how hard it has been to keep you two together. College isn’t the culprit, but it certainly doesn’t support monogamy. You’re a smart, beautiful, confident girl, but that’s not what a guy sees at a party.
Except Jamie. You almost want to give him half the credit for keeping you two together despite the distractions and easier options.
You’re waiting at the restaurant. You’re all dressed up. You’re also a little tipsy already because Jamie isn’t here yet. The waitress is an old friend and she gave you free shots while you waited. Of course you said yes.
You were late. But so what, you’re allowed to be late. You allow yourself to be late. It’s your fucking anniversary.
But Jamie is late too. You were late 20 minutes. He’s been late for another 20 minutes on top of that.
That’s not good.
You call him. He doesn’t answer.
You text him, again. He doesn’t answer.
You even use WhatsApp to text him, just to see if your messages get delivered and seen. You don’t like that you’re stalking your own boyfriend, but you don’t care about liking yourself right now.
You wonder if he’s okay. He better be, you think as you finish that second glass of wine from the bottle he had pre-ordered.
After everything you’ve been through together, this…you don’t deserve this.
He must have a reason. That’s what you tell yourself when, after waiting for nearly an hour and a half, you call a cab to go back home.
When you get home, you almost expect Jamie to be there, psyching you out with a ‘I’m sorry but this was part of the plan’ surprise. He knows you have a love-hate relationship with surprises, but he also knows when not to mess with you. He’s smarter than that. He knows that you don’t have a sense of humor when it comes to being stood up.
But he’s not there. You’re alone in the apartment you just moved in to together last week.
You’re alone, once again. Even though this time, you didn’t choose to be.
He comes home around midnight. He apologizes for a good hour. He has a good enough reason - and you believe him - but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be hurt.
You’re not happy. You tell him that.
You’re overreacting, you know that, he knows that. But you don’t admit it.
You just don’t want to be put in this position again.
You want to be free of this control this relationship has on you.
You tell him you tried, but things keep going back to the way they used to.
You understand that relationships aren’t supposed to be easy - but you’re really tired of trying.
You tell him that if this is the best case scenario, and you both deserve something less complicated.
He doesn’t say anything. He just nods.
Maybe he knows that if he says anything, this will only get dragged out more.
So you’re going to have to do it. You’re upset, and angry, and scared of what’s coming - but this needs to happen.
This is the only path you see.
You tell him it’s over.
[[You’re done.->S9]]
It’s the next morning, and you’re terribly hungover.
You try not to think about the choices you made last night, but it’s hard to ignore them because you weren’t that drunk.
Your phone buzzes. It’s the guy from last night.
He asks you if you had a good time.
He asks you if you’d like to go for dinner tonight.
"Last night was - a lot of fun - but that’s all it was,” you tell him.
You tell him that you’ll be heading back home soon, and that this is a good place to stop.
He’s disappointed, but he understands.
You hang up the phone, and see that you had received a text message a couple hours ago.
It’s from Jamie. He wants to talk to you.
[[Call him.->S7A-A]] / [[Ignore it.->S7-A-B]]
You were polite with your rejection. You’re getting better and better at this. But why?
Why do you feel this guilt?
It’s 2am, and you’re walking back to your apartment. There’s a really quiet pub in your building, and you decide to go in for a drink because you need to stop thinking.
It’s 2.30am, and you’re getting drunk again.
There’s no one else at the pub, just you and the nice old man who runs it.
Around 3am, he asks you if you want another beer.
You say yes.
You’re definitely drunk now.
Around 3.30am, you check your phone. You go on facebook, and the first thing you see is Jamie. He’s just been tagged in a photo, with his brother and two girls you don’t know.
[[Call him.->S7-B-A]]
“Hey...” he says.
“Hey. Good morning. What time is it there?"
“About 7am."
“Shit, I’m so sorry. Go back to sleep."
“It’s okay. Maybe talking to you in this sleepy state is good. No filter."
“Right. No thinking before we speak."
“Remember when we used to do that?” he says, sounding just like the guy you met at that party almost two years ago.
You tell him about your job.
He tells you about his summer.
You tell him you miss him.
He tells you he wishes he had been better at this.
You tell him you wish you were better, in general.
He laughs. You don’t.
“Can I ask you something?” you say.
“Sure,” he says.
“How do you feel…now that this has stopped."
“Oh. That…what I said that day...may have been an emotional reaction to some bad news at a bad time,” he says, “And now I’m not sure if stopping it made it any better. What do you think?"
“I…don’t know. Seems like I’ve spent the whole summer doing what I want…but not thinking about what I want."
“That…makes very little sense. But just the right amount."
“You get me,” you admit to him, and to yourself.
He asks you if he can pick you up from the airport next week.
[[You say yes.->S8]]
One week later, you’re on your way home from the airport.
Jamie texted you a couple times during the past week, asking about your flight, asking if you’d like a ride home. You ignored them all.
You thought this was what you wanted. What he wanted, like he said he did. But now you don’t even know what part of you is right, what part of him said that.
That’s why you wanted to stop thinking about this altogether.
Last week, when you saw Jamie’s text, you wondered what would have happened if you hadn’t gone to London at all. You wondered if this is where you would end up even if you hadn’t.
You enter your apartment, and it’s already unlocked. You walk in, and there’s someone sitting on the couch.
“Welcome back,” he says.
It’s Jamie.
In this moment, everything that you were not trying to think about for three months, comes to you in one go: you missed him, you're so happy to see his face again.
“What happened to stopping…this?" you ask.
He walks over to you, and without saying anything, hugs you tightly.
“Stopping it didn't feel any better,” he says.
You want to say so much, but you're not sure if your words would get it right.
[[You kiss him.->S8]]
“Hey!” you say, rather excitedly.
“Are you drunk?"
“Yes."
“Haha. Me too."
“Good. It’s good that we’re both in the same condition to have this conversation. Where are you?"
“Just got home. My brother got engaged tonight. Went out with him and his fiancé and their friends."
“That’s amazing!” you say, relieved.
You don’t ask yourself why you’re relieved.
“So, fun night?” he asks.
“It was!"
You tell him about your night. And your job. You two talk for an hour, and it feels great. Just like it used to. For a few moments, it was like you were back on campus, walking home with him that night after the party almost two years ago.
You tell him you miss him. Because you do.
He tells you he wishes he had been better at this.
You tell him that you agree.
He laughs. You smile.
In this moment you realize how much you missed being the Amelia that he loved so much. You hope he still does.
“What happened to stopping…this?” you ask him, anxiously.
“I guess, I’m not that guy anymore…who says things prematurely without thinking...or just reacts emotionally to bad news. Are you still that girl?"
“I’m not sure. I’m not sure what girl I am right now."
“Well, if this girl is up for it, I’d love to meet her next week when I come pick her up from the airport. Would she like that?"
[[You say yes.->S8]]
You’re free. For the first time in three years, you’re actually, technically, no-asterisks single.
You moved out of the apartment last week. So did he. There was no point of either of you staying in such a big place, especially after what happened.
The breakup went easier than you thought it would. Even though that night some things were said - you both agreed the next morning that it was an extreme circumstance. But neither of you wanted to change the reality - there was truth in what you said to each other. You both needed to be without each other - permanently. You gave it your best. Now it was time to move on. You both agreed on that.
It was the simplest heartbreak you ever had. Instead of being the drama-filled ‘I never want to see you again’, ‘I never loved you’, ‘I wish we’d never met’ kind of bullshit, you had a human response to the end of your relationship. You were sad, yes. But you were happy to no longer be the one hurting each other.
So instead of celebrating your three year anniversary, you celebrated the end of your relationship. You quit at the peak, and now you both must climb back down alone.
You talked about being friends and staying in touch, but Jamie didn’t want that.
He said that if he can’t be in love with you, he can’t be your friend either.
You told him that you don’t know how to be without him, that he’s your best friend.
We’ll have to learn how, he said.
Actually, you’re surprised - and a bit happy - that Jamie was the only real love you’ve had so far in college. It’s not like you were afraid of falling in love with the wrong person, but given what you’ve seen happen around you these past three years, you feel lucky. If this is the end of your love story with Jamie, then you’re quite content with this story - and this ending.
And now, as you start your final year of college, you’re excited for what’s ahead.
You know what you want, and also know what you don’t want.
The problem is that those two boxes don’t contain everything.
There is so much happening - so many new experiences and things - that just don’t move out of the ‘undecided’ box.
One thing that you are sure of, or at least hope to be true ---
You hope you’ll see Jamie again someday.
Maybe when that day comes, you’ll figure out which box to put him in.
Until that day, he stays in the undecided box.
But today, and every day from now on, is not about Jamie. It’s about you. You’re the person who you are happy being - and being with.
This Amelia isn’t afraid of being alone. This Amelia is happy being just Amelia.
You’ve made and remade yourself multiple times over the last three years. You finally see why people call college the coming-of-age experience. It’s not a cliché. It’s just what happens. You just hope that you come out of this self-war with as few battle-scars as possible.
This is the best version of you - that you stumbled upon through mistakes and good decisions alike - so far.
You, finally, love yourself.
That’s all the love you need.
[[For now.->S10]]
You’re at the airport.
You’re sitting at the bar near the gate, drinking your favorite beer so you can remember the taste. In about two hours, you’ll be off to London. Again. A one-way trip.
College has ended.
You graduated three weeks ago. Your parents came for the ceremony. They couldn’t be more proud.
Four months ago, you got an email from your boss at the internship you had in London. She asked if you had decided what you were going to do after you graduated. She asked if you’d be interested in coming to London and joining her team full-time starting July.
And just like that, the city that you called home for the last four years was going to be your past.
When you got the offer, the first person you wanted to talk to was Jamie.
But you didn’t. You hadn’t spoken to Jamie or seen him in almost four months.
You spent three years exploring every inch of this college campus with him. In your first year, you used to joke that despite the huge size of this campus, it felt so small.
Your first day there, it felt alien. You couldn’t even find your own dorm room. Jamie had to guide you home.
Then, in your fourth year, it became alien again. You lived off campus, and only drove in to attend classes. It didn’t feel like home anymore.
Maybe that’s why you didn’t see Jamie around campus or the city anymore. Because you weren’t looking for him anymore.
That’s what you realized on graduation day - this place is no longer your home.
So you took the job. You said why not.
As you sit there at the airport, you think about Jamie, again. After so long it seems. You wonder if he would be happy with the choices you made for your life.
You wonder if he’s happy with his choices. You hope he is.
You wanted to see him before you left. You thought about contacting him. It’s not that hard. It’s a push of a button. There’s no excuse in communication anymore. You can no longer say “I wish I had the chance to…"
You do. You did. You just didn’t choose to. You kept him in that box and didn’t want to look at it. You didn’t want to decide.
And now you’re going away. From this place. From Jamie.
There were moments, not too many and too far apart, when you fantasized about seeing him again. About just running into him at the grocery store or the mall.
You thought about what you would have done if you saw him. Would you have gone and said hi? Or would you have just walked away?
That’s where the fantasy stopped. You thought about both options, and you still couldn’t decide which would make a better reality.
That is the weird thing about moving away. You are finally making a choice. You are choosing to no longer be in a situation where you could see him again. You’re taking away the control from destiny.
As soon as you get on that plane, you give up on everything you left in the ‘undecided’ box.
Is this really your choice, you wonder...
And that’s when it shows up. Destiny. That fucking sneak.
It chose this very moment - despite all the opportunities it had to reveal it’s existence and it’s secretive master plan over the last nine months - to show you that it could be real. To help you believe, if that’s what you want.
It’s him.
Jamie.
You see him, standing in line at a coffee shop, about fifty yards from you.
If he’s reached this point, and if the hand luggage is a reliable clue, he must be going somewhere too.
And it looks like he's alone. Wait...why are you thinking that?
All the gates in this part of the airport are international. Where is he going?
Is he coming to London?!
No, that would be too easy. Destiny’s a bitch, but it’s not that predictable.
He doesn’t see you. You try not to see him.
Every ten seconds, you fail at not looking at him.
Why is this happening? Am I drunk? Is that even him? Am I losing it? Is this a dream?
Several other questions go through your head. No answers, as usual.
Maybe you’ll have to find your own.
This moment - it feels heavy.
Does that even make sense, you ask yourself. Since when do moments have weight?
You think. You think. And you think some more. It feels like the longest minute of your life, and to help you get in the mood, time really does seem to slow down around you.
Most choices, you’ve been good at. You see two paths, you think, and you pick one. You don’t look back. Lucky for you, they didn’t even feel like life-altering choices when you made them.
Choices were easier when you were younger. You had less to think about, to worry about, to be afraid of. Now there's just...more.
But this. This choice feels different. The options are familiar, but the consequences are not.
Why, or why not.
You couldn’t get away with it. This day that you forgot about - or at least hoped you’d get to not see so soon - wants to happen today.
You have to pick. What box do you put Jamie in.
This is it. One final decision.
You could walk towards him right now. And just say hi. When you think of it like that, it doesn't sound like a big deal. You've talked before, it's not a new thing to learn.
Or you could walk away. That doesn't sound bad either. You've been walking for two decades. How hard can this be?
Then why can't you decide?
And that's the moment it hits you. Maybe the beer helped.
You can't decide because these aren't just actions. These aren't just decisions.
They are paths.
Two paths. Two lives. Too many possibilities. Everything is equally uncertain.
You have to decide which reality you want.
Do I love him, you ask yourself. Over the last few years, you've told yourself several answers to that question. Now you have to pick one.
So you play the game. Jamie's game.
You ask yourself: why, or why not.
Time is catching up again. He's got his coffee. He's walking.
Jamie is waking away from you, and it feels like it's for the last time.
[[Go to him.->SE]] / [[Let him go.->SE]]
This is where this story ends.
Well, sort-of.
The story hasn't ended, I've just stopped writing it.
Because whatever happens after that last choice, is completely up to you. It's your story now.
But there's still much more to experience. This was just SHE's side of the story, and just one path of many.
You have another choice to make.
You can go live the story from HIM's perspective, experience his life, make his choices.
Or
You can start the story again from SHE's perspective, and find out what would have happened if you'd picked different paths.
So...what do you want to do?
[[Live HIM's Story.->H1]] / [[Relive SHE's story.->S1]]
Whatever you choose or chose, I want to thank you for reading SHE v/s HIM, and for experiencing their journeys.
I hope you liked this story.
If you did, please share this story with friends/followers/strangers by clicking on any (or all) of the share buttons below.
If you'd like to talk about this story, please use the hashtag #ShevsHim on social media. I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you,
Lakshya
Launchora.com/Lakshya
[[SHE v/s HIM->START]]
This is where this story ends.
Well, sort-of.
The story hasn't ended, I've just stopped writing it.
Because whatever happens after that last choice, is completely up to you. It's your story now.
But there's still much more to experience. This was just HIM's side of the story, and just one path of many.
You have another choice to make.
You can go live the story from SHE's perspective, experience her life, make her choices.
Or
You can start the story again from HIM's perspective, and find out what would have happened if you'd picked different paths.
So...what do you want to do?
[[Live SHE's Story.->S1]] / [[Relive HIM's story.->H1]]
Whatever you choose or chose, I want to thank you for reading SHE v/s HIM, and for experiencing their journeys.
I hope you liked this story.
If you did, please share this story with friends/followers/strangers by clicking on any (or all) of the share buttons below.
If you'd like to talk about this story, please use the hashtag #ShevsHim on social media. I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you,
Lakshya
Launchora.com/Lakshya
[[SHE v/s HIM->START]]
Not long ago, you were shaped by your circumstances. Your decisions, your choices, your wishes, your wants, your needs - almost everything was because of an external entity's control over your reality.
And now, that you've fixed your reality, you wonder -
Would things have still ended up here, at this moment, had you any different circumstances?
You find it funny, that time remembers actions, not reasons.
Your circumstances appeared and disappeared through the years. Sometimes, only you could see them. But your decisions, they stayed. They remained imprinted in your memory, and the memories of those affected.
And now, that you've gone through the toughest four years of your life (so far), you feel like you've won. You're on the other side.
Your money troubles are pretty much gone. You even paid your dad some of the tuition money back. You and your brothers are even saving to pay off the rest of the mortgage on your parents' house.
The family still has a lot to figure out, but the circumstances are much better.
Your new job pays really well. Your boss at the magazine, the one you worked for almost throughout college, started his own company and made you the head of editorial. He trusts you, and you respect him. He promised you that if you stayed and persevered with him through these early months, you wouldn't regret it.
The hard work, the all-nighters for exams and the job - it all finally starting paying off.
He told you about this new company, and your new position, the night you missed your anniversary dinner. The night you started a new life. Something ended, and something else began.
The universe really has a thing for maintaining a balance.
And now, college is over. You graduated three weeks ago. Your whole family came to celebrate. You mom and your brother's wife wanted to meet Amelia, they had heard so much about her (not recently but in the past), that they just wanted to meet your ex. What a weird family you have.
You lied and told them she was busy. The truth is that you didn't call her. You haven't seen Amelia since you moved out.
After the breakup, you didn't just move onward. You moved in all directions at once.
Right before graduation, your boss gave you the good news. He signed a deal with new investors and partners, and that you were now employee #1 of a very lucrative startup. As a graduation present, he's sending you on a three-week vacation. Along with a very hefty signing bonus, for all the unpaid hard work you put in over the last few months.
And today, while you sit here at the airport with your coffee, you finally breathe an unfocused, non-turbo-mode breath. You've been running nonstop since that night. This is your first pit stop.
Your future is as secure as you need it to be, your past has been resolved, and in your present, all you see and want to see is the next three weeks in Hawaii.
So of course this is the moment the universe picks to give you one more choice.
But this time, it's a choice you're ready for. A choice you welcome.
Because this time you know that it's not a choice, but a chance. You don't have to choose between two paths, you just have to decide whether you want this chance or not.
A chance to decide what you want. Not for the future - you're done living for the future. You trust future-you to handle it.
This chance is for you to decide what you want today. In this moment, what do you want?
Because as you sit at your boarding gate, for your flight to Hawaii that leaves in an hour, you see a girl boarding a plane a couple gates down.
That plane is going to London. Right now.
And the girl is Amelia.
You know this isn't a 'run after her' moment. You don't move or contemplate a 'fight or flight' decision. You just sit there, completely relaxed and content, and think.
You sip your coffee, and shuffle through several questions in your head. After about thirty or so questions that you reject as either being irrelevant or circumstantial, you finally settle on one question. The only question that matters.
You're the Jamie you wanted to be. The one you're happy being.
You changed.
Did she?
You know quite well that there is only one way to answer that question. By asking it.
So the choice really is - do you want to know the answer?
You watch her plane leave. Your flight leaves in the opposite direction, to your vacation, in about thirty minutes.
If you choose to let things happen the way they were supposed to happen until you saw her, you would get on your plane and act like nothing happened. Maybe seeing her was just the right way to say goodbye to these last four years.
Your practical side also tells you it would be quite easy to walk over to your gate, and ask the attendant to change your flight to the next one to London.
Your life is finally, truly in your control. All you have to do, is pick a direction.
So...what do you want?
[[Go to London.->HE]] / [[Go to Hawaii.->HE]]
That's it. You're just you, again.
But this time, it feels final.
This time, you don't feel the weight anymore.
It's funny, you think. When you broke up with her at the airport, you thought it was the only choice you had left.
And then when she broke up with you last night, was it the other way around - did you not leave her a choice?
That's what's funny. Choices. You think you make them with the best intentions, with the best knowledge you have at the moment, but all you're really doing is running aimlessly until you hit something.
You think you had control at every turn, but you don't even know what a turn looks like, not until you've passed it.
You think you had choices, but all you really had were chances.
And now, you've stopped. You've finally hit something.
You spent too much time worrying about yourself. Your family. Your relationship.
All you worried about was the future. Its uncertainty. Its imbalance. Its unfairness.
And now, after acheiving this personal ex-girlfriend-induced zen-moment, you finally have the thought:
Does my worrying about the future have any effect on it?
You asked the question. You found the answer.
Today, you're done with another Jamie.
Today, you're going to start again, and make a new you.
She asked you, an hour or so into the 'relationship exit interview', if you could still be friends.
You laughed, on the inside, because that wasn't even the first thought you had. Your first honest thought was --- what are we going to do with this big apartment now? I hope we get the deposit back.
You had moved into an apartment off-campus together. Finally. Just a few days ago. You were still unpacking.
A big step. Clearly you weren't ready. Sometimes you have to take a big step to know you're on the wrong path. You wondered if apartment leases, and everything else couples get together, should have a 'relationship insurance' clause where if you break up before a certain period of time, there's a way to recover part of the cost.
Yup, that was your first thought when Amelia told you she was done being in this relationship.
She was still waiting for an answer to her 'let's be friends' question.
You told her you couldn't. It was the truth.
You don't get demoted and stay in the same job. You just can't imagine seeing her everyday without being in love with her.
You knew this would happen. Every time you fall it love, it's love until it ends. And then it's the past.
In this ongoing war between you and love, you've won another battle. Love surrendered, again. You're clearly too good of an opponent.
You knew this. The entire time. You knew that the moment you and Amelia chose separate paths you would no longer be in love. Amelia had no idea that this is what you do, what you believe in, because it never came up. What's just your way of dealing with things, your version of practicality, will probably just be seen as uncaring and cold and mechanical.
You were so sure about this theory of yours. Love is only in the present. It either continues, moment by moment, turning the future into the present - or it gets left behind in the past and disappears with time.
Then why does it - for the first time - feel like you're moving into the future with still some fragments of the past?
You snap out of it. You come back to reality, where things are as complicated as they are in your head.
You're starting your final year of college now. You have a tough year ahead, but you've made it this far and survived.
You're finally in a place where you trust yourself enough to let the present develop into a comfortable future.
You see a path. It has hurdles, and challenges. It twists, it turns. It moves as you move on it.
But for the first time, you see through all that. You've seen enough, been through enough, to find the pattern.
Where there was a fog, now there's some clarity.
Next to you, just a short distance away, you see a shadow. It doesn't come near you, or reveal itself. You sense it, but you don't acknowledge its existence. Because it won't change anything.
But you know what it is. Who it is.
And in your heart, in a small, undetectable compartment, you put that hope - to see Amelia again, on this path.
But for now, you're excited.
You're focused.
You're not scared of the future anymore.
[[You trust yourself.->H10]]
One year later.
It's over.
You and Amelia are no longer together.
Today is your third anniversary, overall. Technically, it's your first anniversary the second time around, but that wasn't relevant once your relationship ended, which happened about an hour ago.
It's still in the process, technically.
You came home. Your home. Your home with Amelia that you moved in to last week.
You came home very late. Not only were you very late to be home, you were also extremely late to the anniversary dinner that you were supposed to have with Amelia two hours ago.
Two hours and thirty minutes ago, she reminds you.
You want to tell her why you were late, but that doesn't really matter. This isn't the first time you've been late.
You want to tell her that you really tried, and that tonight was a really important night for you, but that would only mean that you should have told her about this new job. Which you didn't. You're not proud of it, then why would she be?
Everything you can think of - excuse or truth - would still lead to this moment where she breaks up with you.
You think you were being selfless this whole time - keeping her from the harsh reality of your finances, or from your family troubles, or even your own internal battles - but all you were really doing was not trust her enough to let her in.
You let her in all you could, but this well runs too deep, you think.
You were afraid that if she saw everything, she'll leave anyway.
So you lived the last year on a countdown. You knew this was coming, eventually.
You don't trust her because she's untrustworthy, but because you are. You haven't grown enough to trust yourself, how can she?
Maybe you deserve this, after what you did last year.
And she probably deserves better, after everything you two have been through together.
So when you got home tonight, two and a half hours late to your anniversary dinner, you didn't fight it.
A part of you hoped she would forgive you. That she would give you another day. But you knew that she could only give so many of those until she ran out. If it wasn't tonight, it would be next week. Or the week after. This day would have found you, eventually.
"I'm not happy, Jamie," she said.
You just stared at her. Any words of agreement or disagreement would still not make this better or easier.
"I'm done," she said.
[[You said okay.->H9]]
The summer is almost over.
When it started, you weren't sure how you were going to get through it.
Even though you ended it, it felt like she left you no choice. You had to do what you had to do to not get hurt. It was the only way it could go, or at least that's what you thought at that moment at the airport.
That day you came back to your hometown - to your parents' house. On your way there, you convinced yourself that there were only two ways to go through this.
One: you could go mad on the inside. You could shut everyone else out - which is quite easy for you. Despite what everyone thinks, you're quite good at internalizing then compartmentalizing. So you could be alone all summer, and hope that by the time she comes back she wants whatever Jamie is left.
Two: you could adapt. You've been reinventing yourself for almost two years now, you could do it again. Let go of Amelia and the Jamie she knew. The Jamie she loved. Become a new Jamie. Learn from your past and correct your path. Most importantly - don't think about what happens when the summer ends.
So you chose two. And you didn't look back.
You got your shit together. You realized that when you were in a relationship, you had started considering and accomodating two people's wishes and wants. But now you only had yourself to worry about. To take care of. To make happy.
So you worked hard and partied equally. You worked at your magazine internship remotely, writing and sending articles and essays while also working at a bar at night to help your dad cover your tuition.
You met people. Old friends. Who introduced you to new friends. You didn't think twice before hooking up with girls. Since you worked at a bar, they came to you. And you didn't say no.
You stopped thinking.
Then you stopped feeling.
And now the summer is almost over. And you haven't spoken to Amelia this whole time. No calls, no texts, from either side.
College starts again in ten days. You'll be back there next week.
Tonight, your older brother has invited you to dinner with his girlfriend and a couple close friends.
At that dinner, he shows you the ring. The ring he is going to propose to his girlfriend with.
She says yes.
And that's when it hits you: you made a mistake. You were so proud of yourself for handling this break up with Amelia this well. But all you really did was delay this moment: the moment where you realize that just because you stopped thinking about her, doesn't mean she's your past. You're not done being in love with her.
Up until now you were mostly viewing love and relationships from an anthropological viewpoint. You were inserting yourself as a test subject in your own secret experiment to understand people. But now, you're screwed. You've contaminated your own research. You've been compromised. You're in too deep in this feel-good, euphoric quicksand. You're not able to get out of love this time. Because this love thing - it doesn't seem to work on any logic-based equation known to this universe. There's some inexplicable cosmic shit happening here.
You see this in the faces of your brother and his new fiancé.
And now you're thinking again. About the end of the summer. About going back to your life in college.
About Amelia.
Now, you no longer like this Jamie. He was fun, but it was a temporary mask. You weren't growing, just paused.
You want it back. You want her back.
It's almost midnight right now. You're decently drunk, and the right amount of stoned. It must be almost 4am in London. You wonder if Amelia is awake.
[[Send her a text.->H-7-A]] / [[Don't do it.->H-7-B]]
Two months later.
It’s Friday, and you just walked out of your last exam. You’ve completed two years of college. You’re half an adult, according to your transcripts, and your bills.
Amelia called you late last night. She didn’t sound alright, so you went over to see her at her apartment. You hadn’t seen her in a couple days. Finals week is tough for everyone.
You figured out a decent solution to your money problem. You are going to work all summer, one job for your dream, and one for the money. You even got an apartment for you and Amelia, this place near campus that your friend is going to sublet to you for the summer. You were going to tell Amelia about it last night when you went over to see her, but both of you were so tired, that you didn’t really talk about anything serious.
You both were just happy to see each other, so you let it be.
Tonight, is the end of the year party. You’re going to tell her about your plan tonight. You’re really excited. It was tough keeping it from her for the last few weeks, but you’re sure it’ll be worth it.
But it doesn’t go as you expected.
Because at the party, before you can get a word in, Amelia tells you about what she had been keeping from you for the last few weeks. She tells you she got an internship in London. That she’s leaving on Monday.
She notices you’re not happy to hear the news, so you ask her what she expected.
She’s quiet for too long.
[[Tell her about your plan.->H-6-A]] / [[Don’t tell her.->H-6-B]]
One year later.
It’s Friday. The beginning of spring break. You’re in your dorm, packing your bag to go on a trip with Amelia.
It’s your first trip together. No friends or roommates. No crazy spring breakers. Just the two of you in a small cabin in the mountains.
Amelia wants you to try skiing. You tell her sure, you’ll give it a try.
You don’t tell her you’re afraid of heights. You’re also afraid of breaking your neck on a skiing accident, but you don’t mention that either.
You don’t want her to think you’re...sensitive.
Right before you’re about to leave your dorm to go pick up Amelia, you get a call.
It’s your mom. She seems upset. You ask her what’s wrong.
She tells you your dad lost some money on a bad investment. She tells you that paying tuition for the new school year will be tough.
You tell her it’ll be okay, you’ll figure something out, and that she shouldn’t worry.
She tells you to not tell your dad she told you. You say okay.
On the trip, you’re distracted. Amelia really wants you to be excited, and you try your best to pretend. It doesn’t work every time.
You want to tell her why you’re being distant, but you can’t. She doesn’t know you put most of your savings from the last few months to pay for this trip. You don’t want to make her feel bad about wanting to do this.
You just want her to be happy and enjoy the weekend.
But halfway through the trip, You’re not feeling great. You’re sore from falling down over and over again. You hate being weak, and you're not the best company when you feel like that.
This isn’t the Jamie you wanted to be.
Amelia sees you’re not feeling great, so on the last day of the trip, she says she doesn’t want to skii. She suggests both of you stay at the cottage and take it easy.
You’re worried she might be upset, so after a couple hours you suggest going out in to town to get some food and drinks.
It doesn’t go well. You both end up drinking more than you should have, and you start fighting about something stupid.
“What's really bothering you? Is there something you're not telling me?” she asks when you get back to the cottage.
You’re not sure if you should tell her. It won't change anything, and will probably make things worse.
[[Tell her the truth.->H6]] / [[“Everything’s fine, I’m just tired." ->H6]]
Six Months Later.
You’re in love.
You know this. She doesn’t.
Is she in love with you? That thought doesn’t even cross your mind.
All you know is that you love Amelia.
Why?
You don’t think about that question. That question is not something you even consider to be an internal debate starter.
You’ve been in love before. You’ve said “I love you” to girls before.
You meant it when you said it.
But then you stopped loving that person, and then you were no longer in love. Then, you went back in time (in your own head) and erased all emotions and feelings that represented that love. Along with that person.
You can only love once. For you, love isn’t in the past, or in the future. It’s only in the present.
If you’re not in love in the present, you’ve never been in love.
For you, loving is like breathing. It's not a decision. It happens on its own. You know it could stop at any moment, but you have faith that you'll continue to breathe until that point.
Whatever or whomever makes you stop breathing or loving will have to be an external factor. You don't question either internally.
When did you realize this? The day you met Amelia.
She doesn’t know this, and she probably may never know this, but you knew the moment you met her that she was going to be your new love.
That didn’t scare you. Not one bit. You understand how unconventional your thinking is, which is why you don’t tell people about it. Everyone lives by a code - this is yours.
This is just who you are - you love.
But you do have a different issue. Trust. It’s like your brain treats “trust” the way most brains treat “love”. It doesn't understand why you would ever want to trust anyone.
You love Amelia. But you don’t trust her. Not because of her, or something she did, or didn’t do - not trusting her or anyone is just your default choice. You don't want to trust her, not until you’re sure.
When will you be sure? 18 year old you defers that decision to future you.
For now, you’re just going to walk up to her door, and knock.
Today, and in fact, right now, you’re going to tell her you love her.
Loving her doesn’t scare you. Telling her does.
Maybe you’re afraid to let her in. You don't want her to have such unrestricted access to who you are inside.
Maybe telling her is the first step. In what direction, you have no idea.
You talk. About everything. She mentions this list that all girls have. Things she wants from a relationship.
Her list is quite specific. You like it. You like how her brain works.
You love the fact that she just might be as crazy as you.
“I have a list too,” you say.
You didn’t plan to say that. You’ve been trying to divert the conversation to the “I love you” part but you’ve failed several times. Now you’re just improvising it.
“What’s on this list?"
“I don’t think you’re ready."
Even you aren't ready, because you have no idea what you're about to say.
“Don’t test me, sweety," she says.
“Alright. I have a list…a general rule really…something I try to abide by to the best of my ability…despite several counts of mistakes…"
“WHAT IS IT?!"
Brace yourself.
“To not let myself get lost...despite the temptation...when I meet someone worth losing myself into."
What? Where did that come from? You did not plan to be this honest.
You’ve been thinking too much. This is what happens when you try to multi task.
“I…don’t get it,” she says, rightfully so.
“Look, Amelia, what I’m really saying is that the way I feel about you...it makes me a bit scared. I came here, to this city, to this university...to become the person I want to be for the rest of my life...and I’m worried that the path that I’m on...trying to make you like me...trying to impress you with something new and spontaneous everyday...I don’t want to become lost in that. I guess what I’m really supremely failing at saying is that...I want you to love me for who I am today, and hopefully who I want to be tomorrow."
That...was not the plan. And now you’ve stopped talking, putting all the pressure on her to respond to this new side of you that you really didn’t think you would share with another human.
“Wait...” she begins, "are you trying to tell me...and yes this is a major failure in that attempt...that you love me?"
She’s good.
“I...was about to get to that...eventually."
“I’m sorry, is eventually today...or in three months? I’m not sure how long we’ve been in this conversation."
“Yeah...did I just admit that you scare me?"
“Yeah, buddy. You did."
You try to deflect. You ask if she's hungry to distract her. That usually works.
“I...don’t you dare distract me with food right now...look,” you say as she holds your face in your hands, “I’m scared too. Not of you. Or me. I love me a lot. But I am scared of the fact that I met you right at the time that I wanted to just be me. But I can tell you this - I don’t want either of us to come in the way of the other."
She's just like you.
“So I’m forgiven for saying that you’re crazy and you scare me?"
“For the moment,” she says as she gets keys, “so…you mentioned something about thai food?"
“Hey,” you say as you put your arm around her.
“Hmm?” she says.
[[“I love you, Amelia.”->H5]]
It was a trick question. They don’t need your permission.
They just want an excuse to party. They would have had this party even if was your dog’s birthday. They tell you the address to show up at, it's one of your roommate's brother's house on the other side of campus.
You let them figure it out, and about an hour later, you’re walking to your first class.
And that’s when you see her.
You've never seen her before. You'd remember that face if you had.
You don't know who she is, you don’t know her name, you don’t know what year she is, what class she’s going to, whether she’s single or dating someone.
You don’t care. All you want, is to talk to this girl.
But why?
You're not going to ask yourself that question today. Or maybe ever again. This is a new you.
But how?
You could go say hi. That’s what college is. It’s a real-life dating app.
This could be the start of something. Who knows.
Or you could walk away. This thing you think you’re feeling for this stranger, this is probably just a chemical response to an attractive female. You’re going to get this a lot over the next four years, try to stay calm and appear normal.
Because just going up to a stranger and saying hi demands an instant response. Rejection in real-life stings a lot more than via an app on your phone.
Getting rejected on your birthday is just not on your wish list.
So which Jamie are you going to be?
[[Go say hi.->H2-A]] / [[Walk away.->H2-B]]
...and she’s gone.
Good job on that long decision making time.
She walked into a lecture hall, and it's not the one you're going to. So the idea you had of following her and 'accidently' sitting next to her is quite pointless.
But hey, you meant well. You were willing to take a risk. Good for you.
And apparently life rewards risk takers. Because even though she is gone, the friend she was walking with isn’t.
You go talk to her. Her name is Jess. You subtly ask her about the girl.
“Her? Oh, she’s my roommate."
You invite Jess to the party.
“Can I bring my roommate too?” she asks.
Destiny wants to bring you a birthday present.
[[You say yes.->H2-A-A]]
Well, you almost tried. That should count for something.
The day goes on, and you try to forget about her. But you can’t. Why? Because her eyes, which you were surprisingly able to see so clearly from 20 feet away, were just...unforgettable.
What’s happening to you? Since when you do you notice someone's eyes?
Why do you that her eyes were hazel in color?
You need to shake this off. It’s your birthday for gods sake. There are about 5,000 girls on this campus. All of them have eyes.
But that’s not what you’re thinking about. Why didn’t you just go say hi?
So instead of moving on, you double down on your indecision. You want a second chance. You want to see this girl again.
But the truth is, you’re willing to wait for it to happen to you. That’s the Jamie you want to be today - the one who doesn’t decide anything.
So you finish your classes and go to the party house.
When you get there, you see your roommates and some other guys you don't know setting up for the party. It looks likes this party is going to be bigger than you expected.
“How many people have you invited?" you ask.
Your roommate, Rob, smirks.
“Everyone,” he says.
Maybe your indecision will have a positive ripple effect.
“Do you want to invite someone?” he asks.
“I...don’t know her name."
“Dude, we’re in college campus where the degree of separation is one. What does she look like?"
[[You tell him about her.->H2-B-B]]
You walk her to her dorm. You talk along the way. You tell her why you chose this university.
You want to get to know her. You don’t know where to start, so you ask her about her life back home.
“Only child," she says, "my parents had a hard time letting me go to college on the other side of the country. What about you?”
“Oh, my parents couldn’t wait to get me out of the house. In fact, I don’t even think they've noticed I've gone. I’ve got two older brothers. They’ve done this enough times to not worry…or care."
You mention all the good, but not the bad. It’s too early for that.
You see your dorm, you start to walk slower.
You want to ask her out before the moment goes away. You’ve never really had trouble talking to girls before. But that Jamie wasn’t this one. This one is nervous. This one actually cares if she says no.
“You watch movies?” you ask.
“That’s quite a general question."
“Haha. Alright. What kind of movies do you like?"
“Hmm. Depends on the mood. Right now, just this past week actually, I’ve been watching a lot of old period films."
“Jeez. Please tell me they don’t have subtitles."
“I said period films. Not foreign."
“What kind of period are we talking?"
“Early 20th century. Some that were made back then, some that were made today, but take you back to that time."
“Let me guess, you enjoy them for their simpler living and cultural attributes."
“Partly. I just find the idea of making something about the past. Not just to relive, but to understand. And to appreciate. These movies, they are like time machines. You can go anywhere, visit any place."
“Hmm, I experience something similar. I love watching those movies that they show on planes. Movies that I can watch while I’m being transported to another place."
“Are you mocking my moody and boring taste?"
“No, no! Just…trying to relate to it…and failing apparently."
You’re at your dorm building. She clearly didn’t get the movie question’s motive. Were you obvious enough?
“Well, thanks for walking me home,” you say.
“What? You live here?"
“Well, yeah. You didn’t give me any directions our entire walk from the party so I assumed you live nearby too."
“Hah! I didn’t notice…nor did I remember how to get here."
“Well…welcome home,” you say.
You’re neighbors. That’s a good sign, you think. Maybe you haven’t lost your chance yet.
But this moment, it won’t come back. What if you never see her again?
You make a quick, improvised plan.
You have two options.
You can ask her if she wants to go out with you for a movie, and if feels like shes about to say no, you’ll mention it’s your birthday! She’ll feel too awkward to say no then. First date by playing the birthday card. It’s not a great plan, but it’s something.
Or you can let this moment end here. You can wish her a good night and get back to the party. You'll probably run into her a lot, there will be plenty of chances to get to know her better. You've had such a good night so far, why mess it up?
So...what do you want?
[[Ask her out.->H-3-A]] / [[Say good night.->H-3-B]]
8pm. The party begins. Provide free alcohol to strangers and not only do they show up on time, but they are now your best friends.
9pm. You play your first game of beer pong. Unsurprisingly, you get better at it the more you play.
10pm. She’s not here. Neither is Jess. It’s not like you were looking for her (you were), but you just happened to take a quick head count and she is not one of the heads.
11pm. Whatever ‘restraint’ you were planning to put on your drinking, your roommates have helped eradicate. It’s your birthday, and you’re in college. So you say Why not! You’ve forgotten about her already.
It's almost midnight, and you’re almost drunk. You thought you had been drunk before in your life, but compared to this, those past experiences feel like a head rush.
With the house in full, loud party mode, you decide to go out for some air.
You look around you. There are about 50 strangers in this house right now. Another 30 or so out on the porch. This is your life now. And you love it.
And that’s when you see her.
The entire time you were “not” looking for her inside, she had been out here on the lawn all along. Probably.
This is it. This is your chance. You’re going to take a risk. It’s a good thing you’re being helped by your friends at Stella Artois, Captain Morgan, and Jagermeister.
But you’re not moving. You have no idea what to do next.
Right then, you see your roommate Rob in the distance. He seems to have found himself right next to a broken Stop sign. He seems very drunk. And it looks like he's about to break the Stop sign as some sort of a “This is Sparta” moment.
This is what you must do: you must stop him.
You run to him as fast as you can, forgetting for a moment that she is standing in your way.
Your run-cute results in her dropping her phone.
“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” you ask as you pick up her phone and hand it back to her.
For a brief second, it almost looked like she was staring at you before she responds.
“Are you blind?” she asks.
She seems mad. You try to think of something clever.
"I’m not, but if I was, you’d feel really bad about saying that."
Nailed it, you think to yourself with a mind-smirk.
"How do you know?” she retorts, “My anger doesn't discriminate."
She’s funny too. Maybe funnier than you.
"I'm still sorry. I also go by Jamie."
“Amelia."
She seems to be looking for someone. You look in the direction she’s looking in, and you see Jess, her roommate. You give Jess a discrete mimed ‘thank you’ and a thumbs up.
"Would you accept a drink to make things even?” you ask Amelia.
"It's a party with free alcohol, there is no drink to buy."
"Who said anything about buying? I was just going to bring you stale watered down beer in a used cup."
"I think I'll pass."
She’s not like any girl you’ve met tonight. She’s not interested in the guy who’s birthday party this is.
You look at the party you're no longer interested in. Then you look at Amelia.
You have to be better. Be the Jamie you want to be. Ask her what you really want.
What do you want?
[["Can I walk you home instead?”->H3]]
8pm. The party begins. Provide free alcohol to strangers and not only do they show up on time, but they are now your best friends.
9pm. You play your first game of beer pong. Unsurprisingly, you get better at it the more you play.
10pm. She’s not here. Of course she’s not here. What did you expect? That the universe has nothing better to do than to give you the girl of your dreams so easily?
Wait, when did she become the ‘girl of your dreams’? You saw her - for the first time ever - six hours ago. You haven’t slept or had a dream so far.
You get back to your party. You decide to forget her.
11pm. You’re not even close to drunk. Truth is, you don’t feel like drinking much. So what if it’s your first birthday in college? You’re just not feeling it.
With the house in full, loud party mode, you decide to go out for some air.
You look around you. There are about 50 strangers in this house right now. Another 30 or so out on the porch. This is your life now. And you’re not sure whether it’s what you wanted.
And that’s when you see her.
Well, not her. But the girl she was walking with.
Without thinking, you go talk to her.
Her name is Jess. You subtly ask her about the girl.
“Her? Oh, she’s my roommate."
You tell Jess it’s your birthday. You ask her, very nicely, if she’d be so kind to ask her roommate to come to this party.
That wasn't subtle at all.
Jess admires your cojones. And she’d like to give you a birthday present.
Jess texts her to come fast. She plays the roommate card - giving her some easy to believe excuse, which works well when you’ve only known each other for a day and have no trust history.
And right at the stroke of midnight, she appears. Not in full Cinderella-gown-mode, but in some Disney-affliated pajamas.
You go to her.
“You look out of place, Alice,” you say.
You hope she gets the reference and also finds it funny.
"Hop away, Mr. Rabbit,” she says without looking at you.
That didn’t work…entirely. You’ll take it.
"Rough night eh, Doc?” you ask.
You went from Alice in Wonderland to Bugs Bunny. That's some range. You’re walking on thin ice now.
You wonder if this whole plan may have been a bad idea.
"I'm looking for someone...and it's not you,” she says.
"Ouch. Lucky guy."
Yes, sarcasm is always appreciated by sober people who don’t want to be at a party.
"Girl. Roommate. Drunk. Missing. Help or leave."
"Yes, ma'am. What does she looks like?"
She tells you about Jess. You pretend to listen to her as if you don’t know, and then pretend to look around until you point to the area where you know Jess is.
"You mean, that girl?"
You give Jess a discrete mimed ‘thank you’ and a thumbs up.
"I guess I’ve been tricked,” says the girl standing next to you.
"Maybe it’s destiny,” you say.
You’re strangely proud of that line. You think you’re untouchable with your birthday luck. Everything tonight seems to have worked out better than expected, what do you have to loose?
"Destiny can’t text,” she says.
"Yes I can."
You made her laugh. She made you smile.
“I’m Amelia."
“Jamie,” you say.
You offer to get her a drink. She says yes.
An hour later, you look around the house at the party you're no longer interested in. Then you look at Amelia.
You know what you want. The Jamie you want to be.
[[You offer to walk her home.->H3]]
“Hey, I was just wondering, if you’d like to…if you want to…"
Her expression doesn’t look promising. She looks confused already. Better get the whole sentence out.
“…go for a movie sometime? With me, I mean."
“Hmm…even one with subtitles?"
“Hmm…no promises. How about Saturday?"
“Hmm. Wait. Let’s rewind a bit. I have a question," she says.
“Okay…what is it?"
“Why."
“Why…what?"
“Why should I say yes."
“To a movie? Because it would be rude and wasteful if I bought two tickets and you didn’t show up…?"
“No, not to the movie. To this…date. It’s a date, isn’t it?"
“Uh, yeah. Sounds like one when you say it like that."
“So why should I say yes?"
“Hmm. Why not?"
“Don’t try to play that answer a question with a question trick…"
“Hey! It’s a sincere question. Haven’t you lived your first 18 years with enough ‘Why’s’. Wouldn’t you rather just say why not?"
Where did that logic come from?
“I wouldn’t. The why not answer is easy. I’ve only known you for what…an hour? You could be some crazy stalker, for all I know. Or worse…you could be boring."
“Yeah, but you don’t know."
“Exactly. Hence the why."
"I think the alcohol charm is wearing off."
“Precisely. Best time to make decisions."
“This isn’t the interrogation I expected…this early. Like even pre first date early."
“You’re saying an awful lot, but I’m not hearing an answer."
“Fine. First date offer rescinded."
Bold move, it better work.
“What? Why?!"
“Why not."
“Hmm. You’re funny."
Finally, she sees you.
“I didn’t imagine this would be the way you would find out…but…yeah…yes I am."
“Okay. Let’s play your game. Ask me again."
“Uff. Would you like to go out with me…on a date…to a movie…this friday?"
“Friday? I thought you said Saturday."
“I know. But given the turn of events...I changed my mind. What’s your answer?"
“Why not,” she says with a smile.
[[“It’s a date then."->H4]]
It’s Friday. 6pm. You’re walking back from class, your last of the day.
You’re wondering what could have happened if you had asked out Amelia that night. Would she have said yes?
You stop that thought immediately. These what-if’s never go the way they are supposed to, and they never really help you feel better.
You decide: no more what-if’s. Either make things happen, or let them happen as they are.
Right as you’re about to enter your dorm building, there’s a voice from your left.
“Happy belated birthday,” the voice says.
You turn to your left, and it’s Amelia.
“Hey! How did you find out?"
“Jess. She told me who’s party it was that night."
“Ah, is that all she told you?” you ask.
“Uh, yeah, why…is there something else?"
“Oh, nothing, how was your day?" you ask to deflect.
“Pretty good, just finished my first week of classes."
Now would be a good time to make things happen. The universe has done its job.
“Sweet,” you say, “are you doing anything later?"
“Not really, why?"
“Are you doing anything…right now?"
“No…and now I sound like I don’t have a life...and again…why?"
“I was just thinking…it’s Friday…you’re not doing anything…I’m not doing anything…did I mention that? So if we’re both free, I was thinking...maybe you want to go out…side of campus…with me."
“Ah, you mean, like…for a movie or something?"
So she knew where you were going with that the other night. You should have given her more credit.
An hour later, you and Amelia are walking to the movie theater in the nearby mall.
“Can I ask you something,” she says.
"Sure."
“Why."
“Why…what?"
“Why are we doing this."
“Watching a movie? Because we decided to…and it would be rude and weird if we walked to the theater and you decided to leave abruptly?"
“No, not the movie. This…date. It’s a date, isn’t it?"
“Uh, yeah. Sounds like one when you say it like that."
“So why ask me out? Actually, better question: why should I agree to this being a date?"
“Hmm. Why not?"
“Don’t try to play that answer a question with a question trick…"
“Hey! It’s a sincere question. Haven’t you lived your first 18 years with enough ‘Why’s’. Wouldn’t you rather just say why not?"
You’re proud of that logic.
“I wouldn’t. The why not answer is easy. I’ve only known you for what…a couple days? You could be some crazy stalker, for all I know. Or worse…you could be boring."
“Yeah, but you don’t know."
“Exactly. Hence the why."
“This isn’t the interrogation I expected…this early. Like even pre first date early."
“You’re saying an awful lot, but I’m not hearing an answer."
“Fine. First date offer rescinded,” you say, hoping she gets the sarcasm. Even you find it hard to tell the difference sometimes.
“What? Why?!” she asks.
“Why not."
“Hmm. You’re funny."
“I didn’t imagine this would be the way you would find out…but…yeah…yes I am."
“Okay. So this is just a movie with a friend. Not a date."
“Not a date,” you say, confused. Did you ruin this already?
“Sounds alright to me,” she says.
Two hours later, you’re walking out of the movie.
You couldn’t really concentrate during the movie, and you love movies. You don’t want this friend-thing. Not with her.
“Hey...so now that we’re friends…you want to do our first date?” you ask.
“That was quick. Our friendship must be so strong already."
“I’d like to think so."
“What did you have in mind?"
This is it. You’re going to do it.
“How about…we have dinner…in that restaurant,” you say as you point to the Mexican place across the street from the theater, “right now?"
You both stop walking. She doesn’t say anything.
You’re not backing down. You want this.
You hold her hand, and look into her hazel eyes.
“Okay, my treat…birthday boy,” she says.
[[“As you wish."->H4]]
You tell her what you had planned for the summer.
She feels horrible. You feel betrayed.
She tells you she’s really sorry, but this internship is a big opportunity, and that she’d regret it if she doesn’t take it.
A part of you really thought telling her would change her mind.
This is why you don’t trust people. Because when you try to, they do this.
So Monday comes, and you take her to the airport.
The entire ride to the airport, you wonder if she feels guilty for choosing this. For not choosing you. You don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Because a part of you doesn’t want to make her feel better.
And that Jamie takes over. Right before she enters the security check, you tell her you changed your mind and you’ll be going back home for the summer.
“What about your internship at the magazine?” she asks.
“I’ll ask them I’ll work remotely. My family needs me around the house, I’ll just get another job there."
“What about...us?” she asks.
“I think we need this distance. We’re both exhausted. I can’t remember the last time it felt good. Maybe stopping this is…good…for both for us."
“You don’t mean that,” she says.
You don’t want to mean it. You love her. But right now, you don’t know if this is the same Amelia you fell in love with. And you don’t know who she’ll be when she comes back.
“I have to,” you say.
You know that hurt her. You’re saying and doing all the things you don’t want to.
“Thanks for the ride,” she says.
She walks away, and disappears into the crowd.
[[You go home.->H7]]
You tell her you’re going to miss her.
That’s all you say to her, and then the party-mode Jamie takes over.
All weekend, you wonder if you should stop her. If you should ask her to not go to London. That you don’t want her to go. That you were so close to having your life back on track. To being the person you wanted to be. For the both of you.
But you don’t stop her. You don’t want her to stay because of you. You want her to stay because she wants to. And you know that she already made that choice, without you.
So Monday comes, and you take her to the airport.
The entire ride to the airport, you wonder if she feels guilty for choosing this. For not choosing you. You don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Because a part of you doesn’t want to make her feel better.
And that Jamie takes over. Right before she enters the security check, she asks you about the internship at the magazine you were hoping to get.
“I didn’t get it,” you lie.
“So what will you be doing all summer?"
“I haven’t decided yet."
“Okay, have you decided what we’re going to do…about us?” she asks.
“I thought you already made that decision,” you say.
You’re not proud of that comment. She didn’t deserve that.
“I…it’s not like we had planned something…I just…” she says.
“You did what you thought was right. I get it."
“This really isn’t how I wanted things would go."
“Hey, it is what it is. You’re going to go to London and have a great time. Maybe this is good timing. We’ve been around each other for so long we don’t know how to be without each other. If you feel guilty, it means you’re not happy."
“What..are you saying?"
“I think we need this distance.. Maybe stopping this is…good…for both for us. Let’s not get in each other’s way."
“You don’t mean that,” she says.
You don’t want to mean it. You love her. But right now, you don’t know if this is the same Amelia you fell in love with. And you don’t know who she’ll be when she comes back.
Right now, you’re not even sure if you’ll be the same Jamie when she does, or if you’ll even want to.
“I have to,” you say.
You know that hurt her. You’re saying and doing all the things you don’t want to.
“Thanks for the ride,” she says.
She walks away, and disappears into the crowd.
[[You go home.->H7]]
She doesn't respond. She's probably asleep.
You end the night there, and go back home.
You wake up the next morning, look at your phone, but there's no new notification.
Over the next week, you text her a couple more times. You ask her when she's coming back. You ask her if she wants you to pick her up at the airport.
She doesn't respond to any of them.
You don't want to give up. You're determined. You want her back.
You're back at college now. You ask Jess, Amelia's roommate, if she knows when her flight is landing, but she doesn't know.
But she does know that she gets home around 10pm on Friday.
You're not backing down. You're going to full-risk mode again. And you're not looking back.
At 9.45pm, you reach her apartment. Jess lets you in. She's mad at you for what you did, but she's also glad you're trying to get her back.
At 10.15pm, Amelia walks in.
For a brief second, you're terrified.
And then she sees you.
Time slows down, and you realize how fucked up this is. You wonder if you can just walk out without saying anything.
You reject that idea because it would only make this even more fucked up.
So you stand your ground.
"Welcome home," you say.
You literally couldn't think of anything better to say.
She doesn't say anything. For what feels like a good five minutes. But it's just about ten seconds.
“What happened to stopping…this?" she asks.
You're less scared now.
You walk over to her, and without saying anything, give her a hug.
If a hug could talk, this one would talk for three months.
“Stopping it didn't feel any better,” you say, and hope for the best.
She kisses you.
[[You let it happen.->H8]]
About thirty minutes later, your phone rings.
It's Amelia.
You answer it.
“Hey!” she says, sounding drunk.
“Are you drunk?” you ask.
“Yes."
“Haha. Me too."
“Good. It’s good that we’re both in the same condition to have this conversation. Where are you?"
“Just got home. My brother got engaged tonight. Went out with him and his new fiancé and their friends."
“That’s amazing!” she says.
She sounds happy. You’re not sure if that’s because of you, or otherwise.
But at this moment, you don’t care about the source of her happiness, just the result.
“So, fun night?” you ask.
“It was!"
She tells you about her summer. You tell her about yours. It feels good to talk to her again, like you’re just two people. The complicated history with it’s ups and downs just seems like history in this conversation. Right now, you’re just Jamie, and she’s Amelia. Your Amelia.
You’re sure about what you want.
She tells you she missed you.
You tell her you wish you had called her first. And that you want to do better. To be better.
She tells you she agrees.
You laugh. She laughs.
You love her. You still love her.
“What happened to stopping…this?” she asks you, getting to the elephant on the phone.
“I guess, I’m not that guy anymore…who says things prematurely without thinking...or just reacts emotionally to bad news. Are you still that girl?"
“I’m not sure. I’m not sure what girl I am right now."
“Well, if this girl is up for it, I’d love to meet her next week when I come pick her up from the airport. Would she like that?"
She says yes.
One week later, you’re awaiting at the airport.
You see her. She looks beautiful. Whatever it was that messed this up, it can get fixed. You’ll work on it. You want to.
She sees you. She comes to you, almost running, and jumps into your arms almost. It’s cheesy as you spin her around, with no one else at the airport looking or caring. You don’t care that they don't care.
“So…what now?” she asks.
“Let’s start again?” you say.
“Really?"
[[“Hi, I’m Jamie.”->H8]]