The Rain That I Will Always Remember

For the first time in a long time I am running out of words and I really don’t know what to say.
Or maybe I have so many things I wanted to tell you but for some reason my brain is refusing to form the right words.
Things I wish I could say.
Things I wish I didn’t say.
And things I wish I should have said.

Plus this isn’t the right place nor the right time to tell you.

And I don’t want to ruin it because of some sappy things I couldn’t even tell straight to you.

I don’t even know what I want to say anyway.

So much words have already been said between the two of us. But until now I feel like those words are not enough because how can it be? When we’re both at the end of the line. So far away from each other I may cross the distance but I will never get to you.

I’ve tried making a poem but then I gave it up. It doesn’t feel right. Not that it sounded fake but like what you used to tell me..there’s no soul, there’s no music in it. And you taught me that the soul of every poetry is the emotion. And the lines I have woven..it was as if it was forced to be there.

I’ve tried writing a letter too, actually I already made one, a long one and truth is I didn’t like the outcome. It was so sad it’s not fit for the occasion. For this is your special day and I don’t want to make you sad.

But then I don’t have any other means.

I don’t want to send it on WhatsApp. What if the only reply I would get are those blue checkmarks? And what if you answer my text? I don’t want to think about the possibilities. It’s messing  with my brain.

It’s not as if I could send you a voice text, you know how conscious I am with my voice.
It’s not as if I could call you either, you know how much I hate my voice on the line.
And it’ll be awkward for the both of us. And I know we both don’t want that. I don’t want to put you on the spot and force you to talk to me. Plus hey, I don’t want to sport a bleeding nose. We call it here nosebleed, if you still remember. For you have a British accent. What a lovely accent. With hint of your mother tongue. I missed it by the way. Well I missed everything about you.

And by everything the space here is not enough to fill all the things I missed about you.

So here I am writing something I don’t even know where this thing goes. Or what the hell it is.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from you, you cannot force yourself to write something that you don’t feel. Well, you can fake the emotion but it will never feel genuine. It will never be real. And we both know that, actually the both of us write like our life is dependent on it. It’s like it’s our deepest innermost thought that if we didn’t let it out..through pen and paper then we’ll burst like a balloon. We’ll explode like a bomb. And lately I feel like I’m a ticking bomb. One last push on the red button and I’m done.

Not that you need to know that. Don’t worry about me. I am getting by. And I am fighting to stay alive. In fact I think you’ll be proud of me somehow. Well you did tell me to let me experience the things I’m depriving myself. Somehow..I am getting out of my mold, I am trying to go outside the box. No more masking. No more pretending I’m writing something funny when I don’t feel like laughing.
Well sometimes I missed writing funny ones. Maybe in time, I will.
No more holding back.

And I made new friends by the way. They are equally crazy, kind of clingy yet loving friends.
And hey Ikindofconfessedtosomeonerecently. Haha. See? I guess you never thought I’ll say that huh.
The miss goody two shoes, old fashioned catholic woman?
Well, that’s just kind of, not really saying I actually did it.

I’d like to ask about you but then I don’t think you’ll tell me. So let me just say these things to you instead.

Thank you.

Yes thank you. I’ve said it before but in case you forgot: you are the reason I’m still here writing.

When that moment I was about to give up, God sent you to me. Encouraging me with those kind, yet sharp, precise yet meaningful words that until now I can still remember “Your poetry has so much soul, don’t ever stop writing”

Did you know? You made me cry when I read that because that moment, that exact moment I am starting to give up…again. That time, my head goes like this:

What the hell? What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. No one will appreciate this rubbish. The hell is this I am writing? Give up now. Again. You’ve done it once right? This time do it now. Forget your dream, you’ll never make it. Don’t think too highly of yourself. Who are you, you are just a no one. You. Don’t. Matter.

But then like an angel sent from up above you happen to be at the right place at the right time

You gave me a push when I felt like I was about to give up. Though there were times when I felt like you’re pushing me off the cliff--in a good way! You want me to go out there and be more brave, be adventurous, to take a chance.

And up until now, I still wonder why you stumbled upon my world.

You took me under your wings and teach me how to fly to reach my dreams. I’m on my way. To write is my dream. And never will I give it up.
I know thank you is not enough but then give me another set of words other than “thank you” to tell you how grateful I am that I met you and I’ll say it to you. So for now let me just say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If I could talk to God I’d  tell him.. no, I’ll order him to give you a good life for you deserve it.

A life you’ve always wanted. Where you can do the things you wanted the most.

A place where you will feel at home like you belong
And to give you someone who could take away the sadness in your soul.

Hell, if I am only God I’ll give it all to you. But then I’m just a mere mortal so all I could do is pray.

We may be in our separate ways but it wouldn’t break the bond that we had. The bond that we have.

It’ll stay for us in this lifetime and the next.

So the purpose is to greet you happy birthday, by the way. But you know me. I like to make things complicated.

Like your namesake, you are
Blessing from up above
Be like rain
Beautiful, yet deadly.
Drench them all with the wisdom that you have
Let them stare at you with awe.
Stay young, yet old.
Stay true, stay pure.

Cheers for another year added on you! Just kidding.

Your friend in this lifetime and the next to come,

J---Euphemia or as you fondly call,

Pixie.