I used to feel like drowning in a pool made up of my own tears, burning to ashes by the worldly fire that slowly consumes me, exhausted with the world, chased by the monsters living inside of me, lost in the vastness of my thoughts, and falling in the deep holes of my soul. Without emergency escapes, short cuts, first aid and light.
I felt alone despite being surrounded with lots of people, even those that are closest to me. I felt like i was left behind, that they are all moving forward in their lives and forgot about me, betrayed that they cant even notice the sadness that's enveloping my whole being, unrepairable that no amount of glue could stick my thoughts altogether, no amount of color would paint could paint my canvass a different picture, no amount of cosmetic could make me worthy and wanted, no amount of masks could make me a different person, i felt unworthy and indifferent, that im barely breathing. I merely exist but not live. I just add to the statistics without a purpose and contribution to this world.
My thoughts often consists of how worthless i am and how i wanted to just change (and or end) my life. I couldn't fix myself so i tried fixing others, splashing colors to their canvass and lighting their way out of the darkness by giving out the colors and light that's left of me. My colors and light tank may be empty but they weren't consumed by the darkness but has been given to many--- it could be the least that i could do. I wanted a short cut, an escape, another life. I almost let go of the rope that pulls me together, i almost drowned, i was almost burnt, i was almost gone in the face of the Earth. I used to feel shitty and think shitty, but it all passed.
Now, i just laugh at my thoughts and feel thankful for being here today, for not giving up on myself and continued fighting. I realized and learned a lot of things the hard way. There maybe so many things that breaks my heart, pierces my soul and shatters my whole being, but i am stronger than all that. I needed a hero, someone who would take me out from the deep shit im in, someone who would lift me up from the water, someone who would kill the fire, someone who would catch me when i fall, who would fight with my inner demons, someone who would save me. And when no hero came, i became one myself. I may not be the strongest, most courageous and bravest hero for others, but for me i am, for i saved myself.
I was able to swim the water and fly. I accepted every flaw in me and befriended the monsters lurking in my being. I found and braced myself, my truest deepest form. I am still healing, mending my own heart, picking up my broken pieces, recovering. I am still broken, flawed, and stained, but i am working on it, not to be perfect but to be a better version of myself. My heart was broken, my soul was shattered, my mind was in chaos but it was a part of the story, it was a process, it was a step, to make me who I am today. I painted my scars in gold and silver. Ive got my crown not in my head but in my heart. My struggles turned me into a superhero that i was one yearning to have.