1
"Hi , where are you now ? I was waiting for your call. Are you alright now ?."
My cellphone whispered all in a romantic tone. Anyway such blissful tones have been unusually brave ones and now a days I'm used to be a one in such wild dreams. My replays often found such boldness and I don't know how all these happened.
" I'm busy right now call back later " Sometimes I become all grave attending the calls whenever I was in a fix.
" darm it ! " I hung up the call and resumed walking with my friends, suddenly switched over to an impish smile. I was never a sociable fellow and even in that journey I remained terribly silent. I don't know why and sometimes I feel so weird but I don't know what the hell to do.
"A superb day... right?.. I told myself as I wandered through the noisy streets of Madurai with my friends. I was sweating all over because I couldn't bear the sun that day. Have you ever wandered through the hot streets of Madurai ? especially during summer ?
It's a mad thing but we thoroughly enjoyed our walks with out any complaints. I have already been started to find some mysterious pleasure in engaging with my divine phobias of life. It's a brave decision and little bit challenging though. I did it anyway through some terrible efforts that sometimes took the hell out of my sinful soul.
But its indeed a superb walking trip , apparently a kind of spiritual wandering, here and there, doing some window shopping and taking our lunch from a hotel.
"How's the walk Mathew ! Are you okay?" Hema enquired.
"yes good " Yes! "I replied without saying anything further. I was never a sociable one but an introvert who always wishes to cut myself away from every social platform.
" Are you sure about that" She was keep asking such but I confined my answers in a simple smile.
" Today is indeed a superb day ! I love to be here .It's indeed a superb day"
I uttered repeatedly myself as we neared Meenakshi Amman Temple.
"Let the binding works of projects go on... let’s go and see the wonders of Madurai... and see what today’s Madurai has in her store for us to see" everyone thought along the same lines. I presume.
We continued our walk under the scorching sun. Atchudhan and Navneeth suddenly detoured to railway station leaving us behind. So now we shrinked into three , Two and and I.
"Nandhini ? Is it far from here ? Hema,What do you say? ." I was little confused when I found the never-ending streets that lead to Meenakshi Amman temple.
"Almost reached " Hema said.
I was so anxious and curious to see such incredible Temple cause before I only had heard a lot about it and such heard melodies always persuaded me to touch its elegant sculptures that has a zillion ancient stories to tell. The thrilling stories of the legacy of Tamil culture. Today I am going to do it anyway.
"Where is the temple? Where is it actually? does this walk take long to reach there? " I was so anxious so that at every road bends I enquired Hema.
"No here it is.... " she said with a beautiful smile.
Oh dear.... The Meenakshi Temple.... how elegant it is... I said to myself as I saw it from very far. It's gigantic towers reminded me of some Tamil films' intros where doves fly away from it making their sudden flight sounds.
After some selfies with the eminence of the temple, we entered into its divine borders with great divine spirit. I felt the walls with my innocent fingers, the life and the divinity that had been created out of such big stones. The ambience of royal elegance and the highly spirited spirituality made my breath so delicate and it was like as if I was one among those humble subjects of those ancient period. Originally built even before the Christ..mm.. don't know exactly. Was it before Christ or after it ? Anyway it’s truly amazing and exciting to be a part of it.
"Every nook and cranny of this Temple has a different story to tell " I thought it "again", and I was so weak enough to share such astonishments with my friends. I found my Tamil is in a diplorable condition so I always prefer to speak such to my selfless self only. There were no one else to talk to so frankly. Atchudhan and Navaneethan had left for railway station for some purposes.
The temple experience was inexplicable. I remembered A K Ramanujan’s poetic lines,...
"In Madurai,
city of temples and poets
who sang of cities and temples:"
Yes its really a temple city. Temples are everywhere and yes the poets were so true.
Nandhini and I went for the quaue leaving Hema for her shopping matters.There happened Some security checkings, long waits to get inside of the temple while VIP persons moved freely to and fro through another way. Money matters every where. Even in the temple. May be Meenakshi Amma would be showering wishes and blessings for those who are more elite.
We found the quaue is super slow so we got out of the quaue by crawling under the rope barriers. Nandhini helped me taking some photographs. She started explaining things and its interesting to hear her out. She looks like an angel to me and her smiles made me so happy.
Pavithra appeared so indifferent to me from the very beginning and I felt so broken when she ignored my smiles today. She was always a matter of discussion among us on account of her smileless attitudes.
"How could she...? a smile.... the universal language of friendship. Let her be I find another me in her queer character. My thoughts then flew back to the day when I met Lucia for the first time. She was the pritiest women I have ever seen in my life. She was my blossom in all my life. My angel who sent directly to my feeble life to resurrect me from my falls and she was always there when I got reasons to smile . She sympathized with my worries. But someday it happened how could she took in me and anyway I didn't gave her a clue that I had already witnessd everything. But she keep pretending that she loves me genuinely. Now it's time to let go of my blossom for good and I'm on it. My Lucia is no longer my rose.
We returned to Binding shop to get back the projects... I was so anxious to receive my project in my hand... in the form of a book. Yeah it’s a special feeling.
"The result of my efforts are going to be fulfilled ", "I am going to receive it in my hand " I whispered in myself in a thrilling mood as I was getting down the godown of the shop where the binding works are progressing.
Yeah... here it is..... I became so happy, my project.. my own..
Back at home I became very pensive and somber. I entered my room, reached out near by the window. Out side of the home seemed very calm and undisturbed but my minds doors started to rage against its walls since it couldn't resist the thunderstorm that formed inside.
" Life is a hell and I want to leave this world for good. " My mind kept uttering such chantings in a mysterious way. I could feel my heads' delicate chambers started dancing wildly.
. I simply fell on to my bed in search of peace and I could remember the calls for dinner time by my mother and my feeble 'no' replays . I slipped into sleep somewhere in the midnight and I was perfect then, a faultless fellow in making till dawn.
Part 2.
Mastering an arts course is indeed a different feeling cause there you don't need to burn your mind with complicated calculations, no more worries about infinite theoretical doctrines , don't even tensed about the result of a chemical transformations and so on. Here we , literature students enjoy life to the fullest experience.
So being a literature student is so awesome cause its a kind of an inexplicable feeling.
.
As it’s a last day of being a student of MA, we were celebrating it with our busy schedules of project matters thus we unfortunately missed the first half of department function. Anyway we got into the hall as everyone was busy with the feast of this special day. I would have missed the party If Parameswaran had not called me as I hesitantly departed for home.
There made anxious arguments with my friends cause they were never seemed to let me go. I even burst out in anger in a silent manner so no one heard its invisible impacts. Project was the matter of concern.
"Where are you going Mathew... " just wait " let’s have food "then you can go.. " Paraman admonished me.
But I was torn between being a lone fool and a responsible idiot. "I gotta go friends, anyway " please let me go". I said in a sad shivering voice.
"fear not friend, here, I have not selected the topic yet, even in this eleventh hour"
"Let’s do it. Look at me..... how confident I am" everyone giggled as Sathiya made his point. He was also laughing.
I too burst into laughing.
"What’s your problem... "tell us," you got any appointments with that girl ".... Navneeth whispered as he laughed.
Navneeth came near and recited the name of the girl of my childhood. "Rani". I had told them about it when they persuaded me. I was innocent enough to say such but it was just for fun. Now they found me in relation with other girl.. we burst into laughing. Suddenly Lucia's face showed up in my mind. They don't know about this relationship and I was ultra careful about it and I didn't want them to know such.
Such jocks were always a matter of stress buster for us. Though it's teasing I always enjoyed being in the midst of such terrible ones.
"convey her regards from Sathiya mama.. okay ?." Sathiya said.
"sure " I laughed.
Anyway I decided to stay with my friends. It was a colourful day but I would rate today’s celebration in a low grade compared to other regular departments. Because SF sessions were always gloomy and lacking elegance.
My friends cheered in joy in randomly ordered ways and it derailed our staffs. There were some lack of satisfaction from both sides. Yeah... there is it... let it be that way.
Anyway I got a certificate for ’’giving my name" for tongue twister competition.That’s the funniest matter of the year any way. But I was so greatful to receive it from our beautiful favourite miss who always cheerd us up and admonish me at every point. What is unbearable about her was her never-ending preaches. She looked like a missionary of Christianity and she never missed an opportunity to praise Jesus Christ in the midst of that Hindu majority classes. Her voice often trails off as she speaks about her saviour.
It was unexpected and soon after I entered on the stage briskly, I saw beautiful smiles in profusion which made me so delicate. I was on cloud nine cause they greeted not only me but all other prize winners with a warm smile.
I remembered collegedays’ prize distributions, which were so gloomy and unpleasant. A manager of some bank was in the other end and I could see his expressionless face to every students during prize distribution.
Atchudhan was heaping certificates. He was a everblossoming Romeo of our friend circle because wherever he went, we found him in company of girls .He is a luckiest fellow. He was very beautiful and even I envied him whenever I found him with other beautiful girls.
More over I am so "lucky" to did my research work under the guidance of my favourite sir Mr.K. Rajesh. So friendly and jovial. His uneasy attitude was a shock but I managed. I could say he never went through by project when I submitted it for the corrections. He simply said its okay and its well organised for the binding works.
Oh God...don't even think it as a RESEARCH ...cause it wasn't a good journey , frankly. No one ever showed any dedication towards their work. It's all about cut and paste. But I tried hard ...I spend hours for that and I got low scores for that as I expected
Satheesh sir was running here and there with the burden of busy duties and he was always a busy man. I must say his duitiful deviation towards his work and a lovely personality. So friendly with students.
Sathya was on a beautiful work namely "irresponsible me", a trgicomedy I think, and has finished its first comical part. Anyhow his "unconditional" confidence with an all embracing cute smile is really a confident booster to us.
Boys were so "friendly" each other asthough there are some permanent "groupies". The "unity"of of our class revealed superbly during the photo sessions and that was the most highlighting point of the academic career. I was a loner in the midest of that crowd althrough the studies and I only had some heartfelt smiles for them. Some responded with smiles, but some.....
So I missed my usual bus for the sake of this last day. We went to Paramasivan kovil and it was a beautiful different world where I found myself so comfortable with the company of my friends. They made me feel at home.I repented before them for my previous adamant character. It's a famous Siva temple on the top of the hill. We then started to climb on the upside down stairs with great enthusiasm. Down the hill there took place some programs and everything were decorated with colourful lights. I noticed people and mostly they came with their families. My eyes strucked on every beautiful girls of that late evening and unconsciously fell in love with them. But No one could ever find out that I was noticing them because it's all happened out of some casual looks moreover I had already been taking masters in such natural degrees. Even my friends' could not figure out it. But I know that I am incompetent but I could not stop the natural urge for prasing their beauty.
Sathiya said" we should be always confident.... see me.... " He was unbeatable in cracking jocks and he frequently done his part.
We laughed at his remarks in unison. Atchudhan was so pensive althrough the spiritual journey more over he was always a mysterious jovial fellow. Paraman was so comfortable to me cause whenever he was with us we felt a comfortable feeling moreover he gives me a lot of space for my thoughts to express.
The colourful cultural programs at paramasivan temple was awesome and I fell in love with every beauties of the temple premises along with with the superb music. Yes #love.... the beautiful and fluffy feeling I ever had.
Mathew ! Mathew ?... "Look at that girl" "so cute ".... I could hear my friends' whispers in my ears and that was so musical to me. My eyes too strucked at every charming faces who found more attractive than my boyfriends .
Then, it’s around 9 pm when we departed for bus stand.
That Night appeared so calm and undisturbed as I was enjoying my bicycle ride with Paraman to the bus stand and when we reached there stand appeared a haunted island.
Sathiya left for home by 9. 30 pm’s bus. My bus came soon after he left. My phone was dead and I wondered how could I reach home cause it needs some walk through the forest after getting down the bus. While thinking about it I noticed a boy on the bus who was alone taking tickets for long distance. He sat next to me and we exchanged our casual greetings. But something unusual sadness can be visible on his face. He never smiled nor tell a happy tale to me. His name was Ashok kumar, a poor boy who is struggling to meet the both end of his life.
"Anna .. are you going to Ramapuram? he enquired so innocently.
"No, Flowercity .."I smiled as I replayed him. "What are you doing" I asked him curiously.
Diplorably, he opend his bundle of wrecked story. He presently works at a hotel at Munnar. Dropped his studies in half way. So heartbreaking story. I assured him in my broken dilapidated Tamil. I offered him help by finding any good job for him. I scribbled his phone number on the rough sheets of my project.
Got down from bus... now an auto...... I looked around for autorickshaw. It was almost 11. 30 pm. I noticed a couple of miss calls from Lucia buy didn't show any interest. She messaged me then as "call me , are you not feeling well or something ?" . I ignored her all together.
As I was getting down the auto I puzzled at my next move. I have to cross a small forest. Phone is not working.
I remembered my first year’s "phone incident". It was a black Friday. On that day all the staffs took phone from all boys on account of some controversy out of that years #Pongal. I suffered a lot cause I badly needed phone. I had to walk, after getting down the bus,a half an hour walk through the chilling night. Some dogs ran after me and I was so horrified. A terrible night. Even today, whenever I remember that terrible night I feel extreame anger towards my department.
So I gropped through the one way path, filled with terrible ups and downs........ I stumbled but my mind showed me the way. The beautiful way to my sweet home......
I saw the elegance of Paramasivan in my friends’ care and support.
3
Lucia was that days' thought and I went crazy all together then besides its all about a spontaneous anger when I accidently found her photo in my room. I then badly looked for other randomly ordered things to engage myself with. Because I badly needed to rip her away from my thoughts. I started burying myself into phone then.
"It’s just a bad day not a bad life ". Nice quote, no?. It’s beautiful cause I love such whenever I take my lone walks thorough every mysterious mysteries of my life. And life’s all about some secret illusions though. Actually no one is there for you except you and your shadow. But it says "even your shadow leaves you when it’s dark". Oh dear.... But do not generalise such cause its all about some solivagants, okay?. To such queer minds it’s the soothing quotes that will do the trick. Literature, Yeah my soul and my life. So I often treat myself to such powerful world of letters to find the soother in me.
The very nocturnal walks with Lucia then came to my mind. Oh Gosh I was head over heels about her from the very time we met . When she kissed me for the first time I was all lost, leaving nothing but some wonderful moments. We made love for the first time in the desolated cottage. She was my browny angel and I totally withered before her. How could she have had faith in a feeble man like me. I never thought of getting a faithful friend like her but.. I don't know. Some crevices had already been started forming between us and the reasons we're unknown. She tried to clear her stands but I started avoiding that young deer.
Life is getting more and more ’serious’ and it becomes so severe sometimes. Incurable?... sometimes.... moreover how long one can open a book to escape his/her reality. Never, ever... but...If you have a love in your life to soothe your sadness of life you are lucky. To be loved by a faithful partner is the greatest thing and You can have your own fantasie, shared interests or every single thing under the sun. But one day when you find your love tooks in you with all terrible emotions, what would be your reaction.
Life around me is simply a beautiful lie... its faithfulness is buried behind some selfish masks and how could they..... deceive their soulmates....... it’s all about money and fame.....it makes them tremble, like one poet said once....I think it’s a perfect crooked gamble to taste the "varieties" of life, from some poem, as far as my mind goes right.
Any way let them play cause may be "that’s life" and I may be a fool and however I love to be a fool of that kind. How could a man do deceive his women... something empathetical that’s all. But frankly I envied him at some naughty fantasies. He must be the luckiest person.... irrespective of societal hidden blames on him. But I am not that kind cuz my life has alresdy showed me every single instances to be sane and insane. He.... oh dear my words fail cuz he is that much cunning Fox, so inclined in trapping his prays..... Any way that’s not my cup of tea. Cuz I owe him a lot.
I presume life is knitting an uncertain future but I got to wait.... diplorable.... But have some faith in your limited dreams...thats the only choice.. She has already found that your skills in writing is so poor by now. I am hundred and ten percent sure about that. I got to polish it....
the feeble in me drives me so obsessive and it forces me to explore the deepest worlds of loneliness.... a feeble reed.... yeah again I love the feeble me....
4.
Veerapandy temple looked so elegant that day. It's burning beauty increased as the night gets deeper and deeper into its mysterious late hours. It’s indeed a beautiful world of spirituality. I was in a thrilling mood to see the sights of that special occasion with all curiosity. I found nothing but the unconditional faith of people which often puzzled me with a thousand mysterous questions. Any way I enjoyed being a lone visitor of its yellowish rituals and it was a superb experience to me to feel such a heaven of great culture.
A scapegoat, actually killed in those late hours of that midnight. It reminded me of those parables that I had uttered in the holy chapters of the Old Testament where Abraham sacrificed a lamb before God to be an ever obedient son, but an unfortunate father I think. Yeah but.... a life, a precious life of a goat ends there to be a blessed one. Sounds crazy....? Let it be anyway cause that’s my own concerns.
"That’s it and that’s life here". They said in unison. "That’s the way things ought to go here " my friends replied. I found no one of my kind diplorably.
Even my friends’ brother who is a disabled person, both hearing is impaired and unable to speak anything, showed his astonishment in gestures of knowing me both as an unfortunate veggie and a hatred of killing animals. He gestrued me the need to be a strong fellow by consuming goat meat. I smiled at him. Anyhow he accepted me of being such an unfortunate veggie by taping his hands gently on my shoulders.
At first I was a little shy and ignorant about how to communicate with him. Later we became good friends and althrough the long walks to see the shrine of Holy Mariyamman we exchanged our words in great mutual understandings.
It took long time’s walk to the temple from the place we camped and we all friends were enjoying such nocturnal walk in all means. Navaneethan got to go through the rituals of the night. We reached river. By the time reached there, the atmosphere was seemed so divine with the sounds of drums and the rituals of carrying hot pot in one’s hands with elegant flames in it. Some danced so wildly and spritually before the one who is chosen.
"The God is coming, see " Prasanth told me as we watched the extremeness of the night’s rituals.
I smiled at him then turned towards to see Atchudhan.He appeared so tired and sleepy. We got into the river and it wasn’t that much deep. Children made it as a park and they seemed so happy.
" Friend ! How’s the festival ? good no? " Nandhni frequently enquired to me whenever we exchanged our sudden glances in the midst of the processions. It's was drumbeats all over but it has a special spiritual power and I couldn't figure out how could such happened. Because I was a self proclaimed atheist then.
"Yeah it’s good, superb " I replied with a smile.
"Then why did you say that you would not be coming with us ? " she asked again and I said I was not well that’s why.
Inside temple her mother asked everyone to go through some rituals where one lays down on an yellow clothing and there given some prayers by placing lights all over ourselves.I hid behind my friends. But at her insistence and my friends’ persuadings I obeyed for it.
" It’s alright pa... there is nothing other than anything in it, just go through it " her Amma said with all concerns.
The whole night seemed yellow in colour and I started to feel some mysterious affection towards that divine colour.
4.
It’s almost over, however the memories still badly needed some finishing touches, so there is only a simple day to go. How could it be, in the blink of an eye. May be " That’s life ".... no?..
" Time flies, no? " my brother said as I siped lemon juice from the bakery where he is working. "Yeah but it’s cool.. right?" I said with a pale smile.
They said nothing about it. Even today’s heartfelt conversations didn’t found any room for such topics. May be they are going to make it a usual day? Don’t know exactly cause I never knew them and ever knew their spontaneous surprising plans after my heart. It’s been a cool journey. Althrough it I shared my feelings with them and their’s in return in the language of smile and love.
"One day...! Oh It feels so broken to depart for good. For good? ever... cause their unconditional love and support will be there in the bottom of my heart forever. " thoughts poured into my mind in randomly ordered manner as I was standing at the footboard of the bus, though it’s a risky matter to be there. Anyway some buses of Tamil Nadu government always find door less and it is always an adventurous journey whenever you are at footboard.
Whatever adventurous it may be, I was all in a thinking mode. Every journey is a going back, isn’t it guys?. To the world of bygone memories. Yes I love it.
Bus stopped at successive stops. At one stop I noticed two lovely girls, after getting down the bus ran towards an old man calling out, " thatha.... thatha.." They seemed so happy and that old man so lovingly embraced his little cuties. What a beautiful sight was that.May be a meeting after a long time. I wondered cause such meetings will be there with my friends after that simple last day.
But as far as My mind goes right their love and caring althrough the PG course was inexplicable, so beautiful and colourful compared to the dullness of UG days.
One day...! Oh God please, I pray that, Please give me back my bygone sessions of my entire moments with them. I wish, I could born again anew, To go to the deepest wells of love, To see their heartfelt smiles again.
5.
The night appeared so nervous and mad soon after I got a message from my dear professor.
Hai friend, how are you, it’s me your guide, you hear me ya? ".
At first I couldn’t recognize the joyous kind voice. And in those initial instants I pretended to know that voice well. "eh.... yeah.. hello how are you". Then it clicked well in my mind that who actually was speaking. ’Oh dear its my guide’ I thought and I replayed him with sudden laugh. " Oh.. sir yeah tell me sir.. "
"actually there is some problem, yeah... one of your project pages badly need to be changed, you hear".... he said it in a casual voice and I got transfixed. "What, sir" my replays now got a slight shiver and depression. My happy face soon changed into so frantic. The memories of my happy conversations with my friends about the successful completion of projects stuffs flashed across my mind as I heard the unpleasant news.
" Hey no problem ya... it’s quite natural.. we are all humans no? some re-edits that’s all "
Anyway I hardly heard his professor’s reassurings so far so that I was started to be too stressful.
"I will be there tomorrow, sir. So please excuse me for the inconvenience "
I searched all possible English words to convey my apologies. At the same time I found my diplorable skills of conversation with my dilapidated English language and wondered whether my English replays properly conveyed to my professor.
"Yes it’s all my fault, I shouldn’t have done all this, a loser, a loner moreover a freakish character who don’t even know how to speak in English properly
" I said to himself as I hung up.
The night showed any mercy towards me. It’s nocturnal songs heard as the dullest melodies and I stayed all night wondered how I am going to deal with next day’s dilemma. Bad cold at that time severed all my thoughts.
"A technological ignorant idiot, don’t have much gadgets to beautify the project" I cursed every moments that I had been gone through.
A travel for "an apology for projectry" I thought as I took the bus to college. A pale smile appeared on my face at the thought of that ’apology for projectry’.
"Sir I am at college" I said over phone.
"Yeah where are you now? "
"I am at the canteen."
"Oh wait.. I will be there in half an hour, be there "
"Ok sir" I hung up the phone.
I returned the steel glass to the canteen Akka and was totally in a grave mood. She smiled at me as she received the glass from me. I too smiled but it wasn’t from his heart.
After getting down from canteen, I sat on the varandh of the temple in the college campus. "Actually why I like this, reacting so sensitive to every problems " I indulged in a deep thought. The cool breeze rustled the burning walls of my mind. I sat there for long minutes. "I should not be like this "I shouldn’t..... " I murmured.
"Hey Friend! ... "I felt like someone is calling out my name. So I turned around..... ’oh dear it’s her’ am I dreaming or not" I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I looked at her so curiously. With a beautiful smile I moved my head forward.
"What happened? " she was still in a smileless mode as she threw the question.
"Some problems with the project, one page got to be changed" I answered with a smile.
"Then why should call Prasanth and correct it " she admonished me with a caring tone.
"But Sir should be here for such" I replayed...
Then she walked away with her friend with nodding her head, an ok gesture, I presume.
Sir came.... completed all corrections. During the travels to town for the re-editing, I was so pensive. Professor’s frequent phone calls during the re-editing expedition relived my anxieties to some extent
As I was taking upstairs with my guide, that lady Professor came along with a smile and said to my guide "sir this guy writes verse so well, I have told that sir about him, he assured me to find him a publisher for his poems".
" you just consult him ok..... " she said to me with great concern. " "Thank you miss". She then returned to the staff room.
" Actually what I am going to write, frankly I don’t even know the pulse of writing and its ins and outs. I am still confused with the lexical and grammatical matters that I am using. I am just giving some expressions to my heart touching incidents out of some confusing emotions, like the philosophy of T. S. Eliot. And the novel reading habits since degree provide the expressions and adequate words for such dilapidated emotions. I want to rescue myself from the shackles of such feelings. And I find so exhilaration in that" I thought as a perfect replay to her all embracing concerns and cares but said nothing
" A little bit factor of ’look at me attitude " too. May be a natural human phenomenon but I could control such and that’s what my positive side " ha ha what an irony it is " I smiled. However if such behaviour is there, don’t have much friend circle out there to notice such. And don’t have much lads here or out there to read such. So I love this being of a solitary one ", I laughed obsessively at myself and recited such along with the wind that blew on my face as I looked out to the running trees from the window seat of KSRTC.
Anyway it’s a memorable day for me where my anxieties ended in a happy note. But my thoughts began to darken with all impish smiles as I neared home.
6.
I was on cloud nine for more than an hour. Cool breeze that rustled on my face with some greenish symphonies played in finer tunes. I closed my eyes in some emotional excitement and in that unconscious seconds I slipped into the divine feeling of love with the undisturbed greenery around me.
" Where am I ? " hey Atchudha... where the hell are you going boys " I asked myself as though Atchudhan with his friend was leading us in their bike.
"Hey friend, want to go to that place," he said to me pointing at some distant hills surrounded with forest, "you know it’s a superb place like Kurangani " I remembered his words that he had said a few weeks ago.
"Yeah.. " I replayed him with a smile.
"Its a beautiful place friend... let’s go there some day " Somi supported Navaneeths' words with great interest.
"Yeah it’s truly a paradise, Solayoor, mind blowing" I thought as my mind flew along with the harmonious trip that we went today. Yeah we got one last day to splash out. I was getting into its real spirit cause I was emotionally tore apart at the thought of departing my friends.
"So it’s all over guys. isn’t it? , two years are gone " I made my emotional points frequently in our conversations.
" Why? why are you getting so upset dear friend, see.. we do not feel anything cause we know that we won’t part for good" Navya was all in a consolation mood but I was driven by some inexplicable emotional thoughts.
"Just consider it as a semester holiday " Hema smiled at me.
"Yeah let it be, anyway but why girls behaved like that. To me they were out of picture but I don’t know whether they already made their own emotional hugs with each other at the thought of today. They were actually busy with getting their early bus to home. Leave it anyway "I thought as I walked with my friends to the bus stand.
"convey my regards to her anyway " Sathiya reminded me with a crooked smile and left for her love in haste who was waiting somewhere at Theni.
" A lucky guy " we giggled as we send him.
Yeah... life is always a beautiful thing when someone is there for us to make our world so beautiful. And its becomes a tragedy when there comes a wrong person.
7.
Life has already reached some positions where it is high time to did some matters to meet the both ends of my life. I never expected to be a responsible person but it’s all happened in the blink of an eye.
’What’s your plan ? My aunt asked me when I droped in her with my amma.
"Nothing in particular, it would be better if I purse Mphil, but I am not sure" I replayed her wryly.
"Oh dear.... just go and find some work from now on cause it would be better or we will make arrangements for a quick marriage" she admonished me with a beautiful smile. I said nothing but smiled in return. Actually I was in the brink of some problems where my decisions had already started to derail. Actually what I am going to do with this MA.
In the case of Marks university failed me and tore my heart apart without showing any sympathy and concern. There matters handwriting and the number of pages. I had burnt the midnight oil for my project but I got less marks and high marks went with the ones those who had plagiarized everything. Anyhow it was a strong question and a strong suggestion that I confronted with great dillema after my MA.
Every night I lost my sleep at the thought of my future. I was mad and heard nothing but some buzzing sound inside my head that frequently pushed me into some unwanted thoughts. I even thought about killing myself cause I failed in the trials of my life. I am a coward now. How I am going to get into a responsible life? Still don’t have any contacts with the public. So how long will I able to live this life of a lonely person.
I tried to share such diplorabilities with my Tamil friends though my Tamil was in a suffering situation. I found no true solaces but some ritualistic concerns which worsened my wounds.
At home all is getting so complicated so I badly needed to find a job. Twenty-four years of loneliness...... I am not going to get anyone to fill that void. Let it be like that till my last breath.
9.
I was burying myself on every job sites for the jobs that suited my qualifications. Suddenly my eyes struck on a ’content writer’ post and without any forethought I gently pressed the ’apply now’ button.
Content writer in Social Media, got a sudden response soon after I applied for it. It was from an infopark situated somewhere in Thrissur.
Phone rang from some unknown digits. I attended the phone.
"Hello.. is this Mathew Antony? a lady enquired from the other side and it was musical to my ears.
" Yes, it’s me, " I replied with some confused tones.
’’Yeah, ok Mathew so you are from Idukki, right ? She replied. But due to some range problems I couldn’t hear her properly.
then she continued " This is from anvithatours2heath company from Thrissur infopark. We have just responded to your application for the post of Social Media Marketing Exicutive. So you are a fresher? no?"
"Yes Madam, I have just finished my MA " I was all in a gay mood to speak in English with her. Cause I had never been in company of English speakers. Moreover there weren’t no one else to speak to.
"So your interview time starts at 9 am tomorrow. Ok ? everything clear? She seemed in a hurry to conclude that conversation.
"Yes Madam, Thank you madam, " I hung up the phone.
I was in a happy mood cause I got my first interview call. But the problem was that, I needed to attend a government exam on the same day. Anyway I determined to appear for it at any cost.
What’s actually social media marketing? I asked to myself. I was a technical fool so what I am going to do with this post. Any how what reassured me the thought of generating contents for the promotional areas. I googled some informations regarding social media marketing.
I took early morning’s bus so that I could have been managed my time for the exam after the interview.
I stood before the entrance of the infopark in a pensive mood. I saw two security persons were inspecting everything here and there and at first I stood there for some time. Then I approached them and after hearing my intention they provided a seat to wait untill my interview time. It was so wonderful to see the premises of of infopark.
Every company names were given under some beautiful headings
Mandharam, Ashokam, Devadharam, and like wise.
My eyes struck on anvitha company which was under the title Ashokam.
" What would that be? Ashokam? ............. May be a flower? Oh leave it anyway ’’
I was engaging in a conversation with myself to find its real meaning.
I walked towards Anvitha. Beautiful gardens and trees that festooned on the the both sides of the road were so confident booster for any newbies. I entered into the room. It feared me because the room was filled with laptops, computers and other gadgets that I had never came across. One of the staff greeted me and invited me to sit on a moving chair. The HR was on the way so I was asked to wait for her. I saw a number of laptops that packed like sardins before my table.
"What if the HR instructed me to show her how to use the laptop as a part of the interview.? I would be in trouble if she would ask such
I had never used a laptop till this age of twenty-four. What a shame."
Moreover I saw many handsome guys and some beauties frequently entering into the room. So I would be a laughing stock before them. So it’s better to get the hell out of here anyway. I was getting so nervous and found my heartbeats were barking louder and louder at every beep sounds made by the door when people opened it.
"I dont want to be a fool here. I shouldn’t have applied for this" I cursed myself.
I then saw the staffs, forming a circle talking about their job, analysing their works. They were using their official language that seemed so Greek to me. "If I am asked such terms during my interview It would be a disaster" I thought.
Gently I rose from the chair, opened the big glass door with a thought of getting the hell out of there in anyway.
10.
Another lonely day blossomed without any fragrance and when I woke up I found no trace of others in the house . Some phone calls came frequently and I decided to go to college for getting the final certificates of PG.
"Let’s end all business with that college with those certificates " I said to myself. I never found my PG life as a bed of roses cause the thorns of its marks tore my heart apart altogether without showing any mercy.
I never got the marks I deserved and now I am wailing in silence with a second class in PG. How cruel...! leave it anyway cause that’s is the another cruel version of life. I was all in a disappointing mood when I was standing in front of the college, expecting Navneeth. Phone was not working and roaming problems severed the situation cause I wasn’t able to contact him. He had informed me that "call him when I am here." A bullock cart passed before me and the sound of its hoofs when it ran made some unexpected feelings of curiosity in the midst of my emotional sadness.
Without being able to phone him I started walking into college campus. Everybody was busy with their luncheon. My phone seemed madly stuck and I became mad.
Unexpectedly I ran into Navneeth and his sister Nandhini there.
"How r you friend..! you got too much slimy...and tired, what happend? Nandhini enquired me with a bright smile.
"Am I ?........ Eh. . no way...." I replayed her with a smile.
Hema and Sinthanaiselvi smiled at me but we never exchanged any words. That smiless girl was also there running here and there and we laughed at her foolish actions regarding her Mphil applications.A queer lady never seemed sociable at all.
I shared my thoughts on my next move with Nandhini and her brother but they were busy talking something in their Kannada which I hardly known.
"I don’t know what I am going to do next cause low salaries, limited opportunities in my rural area.. .........I had better go for another work " I smiled when I made my point.
" Mathew.... just go to library and get no-due form, then. only you will get the certificates". Navaneeth said
I walked towards library where I had spent the most of my time for that last couple of years. In the bike stand I saw Rajkumar sir standing near his green Hero Honda bike from very far as if he had been waiting for someone.
"Good afternoon sir"
"Good afternoon....... Mathew how are you" he replayed with great concern.
"Sir, for certificates sir"...
"Ok what is your next plan anyway?"
"Nothing sir, not yet decided,"
"Mm.. do Mphil , Navneeth is going to go for Mphil, so you?"
"Yes sir.... I have applied for it. But I am not sure about it".
after a prolonged silence I, enquired him
"Sir, is there any oppertunity here ? teaching faculties ? any vacancy ? "
"Here? Mm..... " he raised his head far away as if he were thinking on it so deeply.
" now no vacancies here, but in future there will be for sure, I’ll let you know about it. Just keep in contact with me, okay? "
"Okay sir thank you"
He left soon and I walked towards library with some gleams of hopes.
I felt the walk never-ending cause I had already started to see some dreams that seemed so tantalizing in nature.
Kanakraj sir was busy with files when I was started to say goodbye for good , holding TC and certificate. He was the first person I met there in the college in that late silent sessions of that September in 2015. From there on he was a lovely acquaintance to me.
"Hello sir"
He raised his eyes from the heap of files.
"Hey "Matew'
once again he misspelled my name but this would be the last time,. Let this last day end with his presence like I had begun it with his help.
" got the certificate sir, I am going, "
"Ok ok " he nodded.
I got into the yard. Started walking to the world of responsibilities that had been waiting for me. At home I got a letter from the post man it read some notes regarding some exams in Madurai and I badly needed to start early morning and it was impossible. So I decided to go early. It's getting terribly dark outside and I got ready. My plan was to stay an entire night at Bodinayakanur bus station to get early morning's bus to Madurai.
11.
It's raining cats and dogs outside as I sat back on the mud smeared concreate bench at the bus stand. I glanced around inspecting around. People seemed so busy with getting back to their homes as the night was getting darker. I couldn't sat comfortably cause I was terribly attacked by some bloody bugs . It was a horrible experience but when I looked around many people were sleeping undisturbed and I was the only one who wriggled like an injured worm. I lied on the bench and I didn't know how long had I slipped into an unconscious state and when I opened my eyes I shocked. A giant ox , it was kept staring at me over my head. I stood up in fear. Then I noticed some food wastes beside me. It went out of the stand and from then on I decided to stay awake for the entire night. It seemed the night takes so long to get to dawn. I sat patiently on the bench swating flies , bugs . After sometime some one came on a bike and that person seemed checking everyone . Seeing me sitting up on the bench , came to me and it was a lady police officer.
"What’s your business here", "why are you sitting here" She asked a plenty of questions at a stretch and I felt nothing cause I was innocent. Moreover the bloody night had already made me so tough out of those irksome buggs and mosquitoes.
"Nothing sir, I got an exam today at Madurai"
I said to her as I gave all the identity papers to her.
She stared at those papers for a long time, took the walkie talkie
" hello sir, SI is speaking, just come here at the bus stand. Many people are sleeping here irresponsibly" she was actually mumbling something over the walkie talkie which was hardly to understand.
Then only I noticed the star on her shoulder. "An SI lady police officer, interesting"
I thought.
Officers came. They took everybody in their bikes to the Police station.
I felt nothing as I entered into the station. It seemed so peaceful and desolated. First time in my life, what if my mother came to know about this?, oh dear she would be so sad and she may even admonish me. Better conceal this thrilling night from her.
I saw some officers sitting here and there seemed so sleepy. They all noticed us entering into room. One officer lead us to the first floor. They took the finger prints of others except mine. A person was arguing with the officers and he seemed so rude.
"Brother why are you here" they enquired me and I showed them all the documents and they spared me saying that,
" just don’t stay such places cause it’s a hot bed of thieves. Ok? "
"Ok sir, thank you sir "
I returned to the bus stand. I checked my phone, it was almost 4. 30 am. I looked around, It was started to open the tea shops. There heard superb Tamil songs from every tea stalls. A thrilling night anyway and I am not going to tell about it to any soul. Those poetical lines suddenly flashed across my mind,
"Travel alone and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one cause people ruin beautiful things"
I could have stayed at my friends home near to the bus stand but I didn't . I didnt want him to give any simple trouble. But I didn't tell his this incident because I had already been a become a perfect secret box by then.
12.
"Sir frankly I am so nervous and not so sociable "
Interviewer raised his eyebrows to my strange replays and said,
"These are the qualities a teacher should have "
But frankly I made my points, as I attended yet another interview of English Trainer. It was named something like "Aron academy " and I was sure that I am not going to get that job cause I was becoming more and more innocent.When they asked my weakest points it all came spontaneously and I never regretted for that, and that was me.
"Your hobbies? "
"Reading Novel books and writing, sir"
"Reading...! Interesting, name the book which have read recently? "
"Uhh...... The Dumb waiter sir, by Harold Pinter"
"Can you describe its theme"
I answered it with some effort cause I wasn’t sure about the story.
"I think you haven’t finished it, no? Or did you actually read it?
"Sure sir, I read it on mobile but haven’t finished yet "
The interview session went like that way and they gave some training lessions for us. We were two, a lady who seemed so over confident and she made her views in perfect English.
I was all in a humble manner that I often found in my father’s character wherever he went. I sometimes angry with his over humbleness, but today I realised that it wasn’t a made up one, instead it’s all about our gene structure. My prejudiced notions had already started to be appeared wrong and it was on the move through me in an unconscious manner.
"Ok , thats all about now ,we will inform you the later details " HR seemed so friendly in the end of everything and I became so relieved cause he seemed a smileless fellow although the interview.
I found him so rude and emotionless on the course of the interview but in the end all ended in a happy note.
" how was your interview ? " My neighbour chechi enquired when I got down from the late evenings’ bus and I wondered how she knew such ....it’s Amma , oh God , She has already spreaded the news all over.I hate such , I cannot but I sympathize with it.I often quarrel with her on account of such issues .And she seemed unstoppable.
" Yeah Chechi ....not sure but in waiting list " I replayed her wryly and briskly walked through that muddy path .
13.
Days passed like anything . I attended so many interviews, faced humiliation on account of some personal weakness especially voice problems. "When the sorrows come it comes not in singles but by battalions" I utterd Shakespeare's words madly.
My Mphil dreams destroyed Asthough I cleard the entrance, its interview was very dissapointing and annoying.
13.
"It's been three months but I don't want to stay here as an English teacher here. Its has already become an unbearable burden. To manage this devil's ones need a lifetime I think. I was the faulty one in conclusion. Moreover I couldn't bear their attitudes . Let it be the last day of my life. I thought as I fiercely got out of that class. I could hear students running after me with some apologiesbut I said,
"I am done with your class, just go and leave me alone "
I was all friendly but they failed to understand my feelings.
Some made gossips on my lady voice sounds and that was unbearable for me and I will be fired I am sure.
The manly notions of commanding power structures of vocal stuffs pop up with all envious vibes every now and then. I stumbled.
I was all in a depressive mood. Failure ! I am a damn failure. Let this be my last day. Today I gotta go home or I will go from this cursed place for good. Life was always a terrible dream for the cursed souls like me and still now it's no different. I remembered a striking quote that ran into while I was in my graduation days. It goes like " Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fools, a comedy for the rich and a tragedy for the poor." Yes it's indeed a terrible tragedy for the poor, especially for the broken heart.
The feeble melodies that had been rolling out of my tongue failed my faith in believing myself and my gifted incarnations on this earth. I would call it just the darkest dreams of dreams where it's already faded into some helpless states. I cannot do anything anymore. I tried but they were all judgemental and further the popular stream sidelined my humble efforts. I would have warned myself from committing this try cause I wasn't well enough for its expectations. I should have done that, but...
I didn't see anything as I was crossing the zebra line not minding the rush hour matters and my tears had already been made me blindfold.
Something hardly hit me I remember. I couldn't shriek. My mind went blank but I vaugly saw my mother's crying face, running towards me. But I cried for the name Lucia, leaving only voiceless breaths that went unheard. Lucia, My love.