When Christine fell in love, it was all about the simplest of things. Like a text from that person early in the morning and late at night. Sharing the playlist of the songs she has on repeat lately. A cup of coffee at the café standing lonely at the intersection near her workplace. Holding those fingers and sliding through those gaps like they were always meant to be that way. It was never complicated when it came to Kasper. Everything felt like a soft drizzle she adored since she was a child.
What didn’t fit the perfect picture of her love song was something else. She knew one day or the other things would tarnish and leave behind just memoirs of their happy existence from the past. Past! It’s a place she tends to detest ever since she found out that in the real world there was nothing like the fairy tales, she was fond of reading. It was too real for her taste, yet she considered herself lucky to find someone like Kasper who, despite everything told her that he loved her.
She was loved.
She liked this feeling of being loved.
Even if a strong voice within the cage of her heart speaks about how she should never believe those words. Why? Because words were nothing but some hallucinations which when arranged in a pretty way illusioned your mind. You lose your guard and its just right then, when you are bruised, left to ponder over the dead remains that stays back onto your skin like scars. Scars made out of broken promises, scars made of lies, scars of that lost story, scars; which leaves you bathed in ugliness for the years to come. And you being the poor soul who loathes oneself for believing those words spends the remaining time in regrets and anger.
Christine didn’t like that kind of a life. She didn’t want regrets, anger and a sense of abhorrence for herself that is born out of one’s own actions. That was the very reason, why she knew when exactly to draw the line.
“Meet me @6 our place, love you”
A smile bloomed on her face, much similar to a full bloom cherry blossom in springs people loved to adore. The crimson pink always had this wild tarantism on her cheeks everytime she read those last two words which she never said back. Kasper knew she won’t but even after 7 months of being together he told that to her frequently with each text.
“Sure” she typed a message back, as she rolled her eyes at the door. Samantha was smiling at her while holding a file in her left hand, and a coffee in her right.
“What brings you here?”
“Something urgent as always”
“What? Shoot”
She said. Samantha knew it was Christine’s type to act serious when it came to work. She even believed that her friend whom she knew since 4 years now was married to her work. The work of being a writer and the CEO of Blue Pen, the publishing house of Zoella, the best selling author for Blue Muses and Roses. However, it was just Samantha who knew how Christine went by her pen name Zoella.
“The copies for Autumn Blooms are being already made, but there is a problem”
By the look of hers, Christine could exactly tell what the issue was about. She knew her friend a bit too much for her own good.
“Search for the labels and stick them over those remade copies”
Christine spoke nonchalantly as she took her expensive sage green bag and started walking towards the door, her stilettoes punctuating each silence that was currently floating in the air. Samantha sighed watching her boss cum friend leave the premises of Blue Rose wondering what exactly was the reason. Christine, as she knew was quite a reticent person. Samantha never asked about any of her friend’s escapades, and she knew Christine won’t speak either. It was only at the end of a gloomy day that the two of them let the work line fade away and act like friends once in a while. Other than that, Christine was a closed book to everyone around her.
It was 5.57 when she reached their place as they liked to call it. She checked her watch and smiled triumphantly over the small fact that she was right on time at least this time. It wasn’t like Kasper would complain being the punctual person he is, but she felt like she should be on time at least for today.
She walked inside the almost empty café and rolled her eyes wondering if he was already there. She was about to step ahead when she felt a familiar warm hand contrasting her cold palm, she knew it was him but let him take the lead. They reached their favourite spot at the corner from where they were able to observe the busy lane outside. It started to rain while they took a seat and stared at each other, before breaking the captivating gaze, as he spoke first.
“How was your day?” it was always the very first question he asked her
“It was usual” came her monotonous reply as she saw the slight curve on his lips as he took a sip of his hazelnut coffee.
“I want to take you somewhere; are you free this weekend?”
“Weekend?” she had her lips sunk down one over the other as she smiled a moment later. A smile that surely looked affirmative to his eyes
He smiled a bit as he still waited for her verbal answer. She gave it to a moment right after she munched onto her cheesecake, they were sharing at the moment.
“Where? May I know?”
She asked, concealing her curiousness like the person she was. Don’t show your emotions on your face, a voice spoke in her mind and she did just to be the good girl she was expected to be since an early age.
“Oh that’s a surprise, expect more” he winked at her as he smiled brighter than the sunshine.
Christine nodded as she let herself lose a bit in his trance. She let herself being soaked under the apricity of his smile. Kasper’s smile was always like a warm fuzzy feeling creating happiness within her. She never acknowledged it but Christine loved when she was the reason for that smile.
Christine loved when he smiled.
She loved it more when she is the reason.
“So you will right?”
He asked, his deep voice settling into her system like a soft breeze that slowly made the fire within her insignificant. Like it reached her heart and calmed down every wave in there. Closed the open doors and windows to those ugly memories and sang a lullaby to her heart each time he said those three words, bringing a confirmation to her that maybe, just maybe she will believe it this time. But the darkness within her told her otherwise.
“Right?” his voice reverberated in her mind once again as she nodded. This time with a smile.
The days rolled around and all that she was waiting for was that Friday night. He promised to pick her up and hence she waited. She waited with her small back containing the stuffs she couldn’t go without as a soft breeze caressed her open hairs, and those strands of her started to be playful; each time playing hide and seek over her face, which she tucked away everytime they came over her eyes. It was exactly 5 mins later when she heard the honk and walked towards the approaching vehicle.
“Get in its cold”
“Yeah”
She stepped inside and tucked herself in, letting the warmth inside the car settle over her algid hands which turned stiff because of the winter. December was something she abhorred, and will be doing it till the rest of her winter life as she promised herself. Nothing was good about the winter, except the fact that Kasper’s warm palms always caressed her cold hands each time he locked those fingers with hers.
“Where are we headed to?”
“A trip I suppose” Kasper passed a smile while moving his eyes once again towards the road
“Trip for?”
“It’s our anniversary this Saturday and I’ve something planned for you, something you will really love Christine” he smiled as their interlocked hands moved and ended their route when the softness of his lips left a touch over them. She loved that feeling.
She loved being loved.
She loved the feeling of being loved.
It was around an hour later, when they reached near a home which seemed like Kasper owned it. She read the letters inscribed outside on the name plate which said “Dream Palace” scribbled in bold gold that kind of shimmered under the light over the wall on a black canvas.
“Why this name? anything special about it?”
“You will find out soon”
They went inside both carrying their share of belongings on their shoulder while he unlocked the door and that left Christine in awe. The house was bathed in a golden light all around while the slight curvy staircase was left abandoned from the warmth of that light. Rather white lights in a row of three, were hanging from the ceiling with a partial light illuminating the stairs. She walked inside as silence engulfed her system but she was still loving everything about that place. The floors were tiled with brown which seemed like they were standing over a carpet made of dried wood with the texture reflecting quite beautifully. The kitchen was on her right as there was a similar brown touch to it. It was a small space with everything one could need. The living area was in front of the kitchen cane furniture decorating the entire space. She looked towards the staircase and found that there was one room at the end, which was faintly lit.
“Is this…yours?” she asked dumbstruck facing her boyfriend who had a smile playing on his lips.
“I guess, this will be ours” he said with a slight mischief in his tone which didn’t go unnoticed by her.
“Ours?”
“I have something for you here, go upstairs, follow the roses”
He slightly put forward his hand as she noticed a few roses that led her towards the stairway. Her heart did a wild somersault, weighing the possibilities of what was about to come. It was like the silence before a storm would barge in and destroy even the strongest of homes. It felt like she was being approached by a similar kind of storm which will make her to have a decision which will change her tomorrow.
Even, when her mind was hazy with the approaching storm she still did it anyway. She took slow steps and picked up every rose that was lying on the floor unattended, the soft petals holding onto the dust like they were used to it after being there for quite sometime.
She reached the end quite soon as she could hear her heart thumping harshly against her chest, as if one more move and it will pop out of her perfectly arranged body system. She was scared, for the first time because of love. Love that was always so easy with Kasper. The same love about morning greetings, sharing habits and hobbies, songs, emotions and what not. The same love she had romanticizing.
The same love she loved when she was engulfed by it.
And, the same love which has been the cause for her inability to trust it.
“Are you there?”
Kasper’s words pulled her back while she was about to fall into that same abyss of darkness. It was like he held her hand right when she was about to fall. Right when she was about to read those chapters from her past she hates to read.
“Ye…ah” he words came out stressed, struggled while he took a look at her face and walked upstairs to reach his beloved.
“What is it? You don’t look fine Christine”
She composed herself as she wore the robe of pretence once again and smiled at him. The smile which didn’t mean anything to her but was able to soothe his worries each time she showed it towards him.
“Of course I’m fine, what could happen to me?” she smiled her brightest that her cheeks hurt but she kept the drama on even if it was a torture and she wanted so hard to runaway.
“Hmm….I know you, I know your past”
Suddenly, his words failed to give her a meaning. She turned to face him, her face wore the mask of confusion while his seemed calm enough, devoid of those expressions she so loved to read.
“Wha..at do you mean? Kasper let’s go on with your surprise hmm?” she asked as she took a few steps towards the door which was still closed.
“Alexithymia…”
The word halted her steps. Every damn letter and syllable in it paused her from moving ahead. As if her feet were tied to the ground and her body refused to accept any commands from the brain. However, she heard his footsteps punctuating every silence that was floating in the air between them. She was unmoved, she didn’t know what more to expect as she saw him standing infront of her.
“I know Christine…I know you…”
I know Christine, I know you. The same voice rang up clearer in her mind. Unblemished from any external noise.
“I know you kept this from me, I know you can’t love me when I love you this much”
I know you can’t love anyday. I know you Christine, so you need to be a good girl, don’t show your emotions, but what a waste of saying this when you don’t even know any emotion.
“But, Christine even then, I love you, I love you with my all”
And even then, I will still love you. Mommy loves you even if you are a monster who doesn’t know emotions let alone show them. I love you with my all.
“So please…let me love you enough that its enough for us both, will you marry me Christine”
Even then, I will be with you. I will teach you all those emotions and let you play with them like everyone does, like your father does, like you will when you hold this pen as you write all about those emotions as poetries you don’t even feel. You will be a normal monster my dear daughter, just be a good daughter and keep this in silence that me, your mother ended the life of your father.
Kasper was surely speaking something, she saw his lips move constantly as he was on his knees infront of her with a little box in his hand. She wanted to answer but everything was coming back. That voice inside her head, the ugly hand which was holding a knife that was stained in red, the refuscent shade splattered all across the dark room faintly illuminated room, contrasting the white skin of her mother. She saw it all again, all over again even if she didn’t intend to. Everything is coming back and so she does what she is best in.
She runs away.
Runs away before the monster in her captures this person whom she believes to love her. Love which was something she wasn’t capable of. The kind of emotion that surely is known to the entire world around her but she despises it saying it’s ugly and evil just like that face, that face which is still in front of her even if she herself saw that face being kept under the coffin some years ago.
“Christine please wait…let me hold onto you please” he came running after her, but even if she knew she could run away with the car she kept on running.
Kasper wasn’t shocked either. He knew this was the real person he fell in love with. 7 months was enough for him to read her as a book about which he was curious. He was dying to know what will be the end to this story. He loved her with no doubts fogging his mind any day. It was always her or no one, he wished she could know that but he didn’t regret it anyday.
Finally, like a storm coming to rest he saw Christine losing her balance as she was swaying in her slow steps right before she collapsed in his arms.
He knew this will be the end to their happy ending, he will write an alternative end to this emotion called love for her to see it in a new way all over again.
1 YEAR LATER…
“No work today?”
“I’m on my next book”
“What’s the title about?”
Christine passed a mirthful smile. She knew it wasn’t his memory to forget something like the title to her next book, her comeback after a year. She also knew he loved to hear it from her, and so she said it once again.
“Love: thanks to YOU”
Story