The sky got darker and darker
Painted blue on blue
One stroke at a time
Into deeper and deeper
Shades of night.
Imagine waking up every morning knowing everything that's going wrong is because of you, going to bed with the anxiety that your parents might announce their divorce the next morning, try to envision the uneasy feeling you have all day burdened on your heart that today is the day, today all of it might end, today your parents will finally tell you what they've been hiding for so long and the moment you get back home you'll see your little brother's bags packed and your mom is going to take him away from you. I don't care whether my parents separate or not. Believe me I don't give two shits about them because they too don't. But the last time I barely managed to save it, it was just because of Matt. The divorce would mean Matt goes with Mom and I stay with dad. That's the shit parental custody and I know if Matt goes with mom he'll become what I've or maybe worse since I've been hiding their "I don't have time" side from him for so long. I don't want him to lose his self importance into a an unending void like I did. I don't want him to be anything like me, especially the part of me that's been swallowing pills with the pain and anxiety and fear since two weeks now. And this time I don't think I can stop the approaching tide. The tide that's taking him away from me.
I glance through my window at Ash's as I got over from the effect of what Jayden calls a Happy Pill. Since we shifted to Carly, Ashton's been my best friend kind of a thing it's just that he don't let me have lunch with him and his group at cafeteria. A matter of 'their pride' you see. And I'm deceiving him too. He suspected if Jayden was giving me drugs, I lied. Obviously. His lights were off. Of course, it's one in the morning and we have school tomorrow. Sometimes I doubt that he's spying on from his windows since no one bothered to put curtains on my window till now. I lied down back on my bed with the same anxiety of what tomorrow's sun will bring to me.
* * *
"Hey, Ivy. Wait up"
I turned around to find it was Jayden calling out to me.
"Hey, how are you? Why're you breathing heavy?"
"I saw you from down the hallway, came running to catch up. Anyways, I',m alone at home. Karen, Nick, Natalie and me we're planning a little get together. A smoky one. Care to join?"
"Tonight?"
"Yeah, it's a Friday after all."
"What 'bout Ash?"
"I invited him, but he said Mrs. Cox's a bit unwell. He won't come. So, your secret's safe"
"Okay, fine then"
I didn't know I was going to regret it later. Not even a tiny bit.
* * *
I went straight to Ashton's place before going home. Jayden said Annie was unwell. Annie and I, we've been developing a kind of relationship neither of us ever got a chance to experience. To me she was much more than my neighbour or my friend's Mom, she was my mentor. I told her that mom dad almost divorced two years back but because of me they stayed together but I didn't tell her that history is repeating itself, just that this time I don't think I can stop the Rolling tide. I think Annie also knows that I've been through some long counselling sessions for I had *emotional dysregulation disorder, mom must've told her sometime. Annie is great at making people open up to her.
*Emotional dysregulation (ED) is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response.
Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include angry outbursts or behavior outbursts such as destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, and threats to kill oneself. These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a person's social interactions and relationships at home, in school, or at place of employment.
Emotional dysregulation can be associated with an experience of early psychological trauma, brain injury, or chronic maltreatment (such as child abuse, child neglect, or institutional neglect/abuse).*
"Hey Ivy, come on in"
Ashton opened the door.
"Hey, I came to see Annie, Jayden said she was not well. What happened?"
"Uh... ya, she, her anemia started getting bad lately. She's on meds. Don't worry."
"Can I see her? "
"No. She's sleeping right now"
"Ashton who's on the door?"
That was Annie's voice in the background. Aston's a Liar.
"You're a terrible liar. Get away, let me in"
Ashton let out a heavy sigh and I pushed him out of the doorway. Annie looked weak as she came down the Stairs. She looked weak even for a person suffering Anemia.
"Hey Ivy, how are you"
"I'm totally good Annie but you look...weak" She leaked weal even for a person suffering from anemia.
"Yeah, just medical things playing with me. Antibiotics make me look like this. Don't worry"
We talked for an hour and poor Ashton was made to stay out of girls' talk. The look on his face when Annie told him 'Get out Ashton Cox, ladies talking here' was adorable.
When I got back home it was seven, I cooked dinner at Annie's and ate with them so I just told mom not to keep food for me as I was staying at a friend's today. As expected, she didn't bother to ask which friend and I didn't bother to tell her that it was Jayden. You see, we mother and daughter have our understand of each other's privacy. My mom's the bestest. If that's a word.
* * *
I smoked, more than just some weeds, a few hours ago. Although it was second hand with Jayden it got on my lungs and I ended up coughing for 15 minutes. I'm dope right now with don't know what drug but it's great. Unlike others I'm not out of my senses but I'm feeling good. Kinda, seducted. Its late, very late and everybody except me and Jayden is sleeping. I somehow managed to notice only today how lonely and dark and yet hot Jayden was especially with his dirt blonde hair set like Fin Jones' and his musculature figure.
"You shouldn't look at me like that unless you're trying to seduce me Ivy"
Oops, I just realised I was staring at him. I can't believe he's already out of the effects of that drug and making some... electrolyte, I think. I walked up to him to the kitchen counter.
"Maybe I'm trying to do that exactly." I said with a heavy slothy voice while sipping beer from the can.
"Then Ivy, I'm having a hard time resisting."
He then turned around to me from whisking that egg and pulled me into his chest.
"Don't then"
"Don't what?"
"Don't resist"
"Then what should I do Ivy?"
He said with his lips touching the nape of neck and then taking in the scent of my hair.
"You're getting sexier as you're trying to make me talk dirty"
"Really am I the culprit?"
My heart raced as his lips smashed mine and his hands reached places that no one else's ever did. I didn't know where this trail leaded me to but I didn't want to get back to the reality. Reality is something so familiar yet so obscure, reality is a hypocrite. When it looks like everything's going just fine it's actually the silence before the storm. No matter how many times you experience it everytime it hits you in the face like a truck coming at 70 mph, no matter what you never get used to it.
My thoughts drifted away as Jayden hesitated at the buttons on my blouse. I kissed him harder giving him my consent and his tongue forced into my mouth while he got me up against the wall. I never thought I'll lose myself to a man like Jayden but I didn't give second thoughts as to whether I'd regret it later or not. Right now I needed an escape and this felt perfect. And although my head was already getting heavy I tried my best to take control of the only thing that was in my hands.
TO BE CONTINUED...