11 Steps Away...Step 5 of 11

  As the night gets dark
Let your worries fade
Sleep peacefully knowing
You've done all you can for
today.

When I woke up the shock of my position overwhelmed me and then slowly the past events began to sync in and I immediately regretted it. Not only because I slept with a person I don't actually want a relationship with but also because Jayden cheated on Karen, my only female friend. I glanced at my watch above all my wristbands on my wrist. It was 4 in the a.m. I think I should just sneak out and talk to Jayden about this later.

* * *

My thoughts are drifting away every time I try to focus on Mr. Snob's history lesson to last night and with every second I'm hating myself more and more for what I did. And more than that I am hating Jayden, I was drugged and I am single but he, he knew about my situation and he is already in a relationship.

After the last class I went to the office for taking my name out of the list of the students enrolled for school bus since Ashton told me he can drive us both to school. By the time I came back to the locker room the hallway was empty instead of one person. Jayden. I think this is the right time to talk to him. But before I could go to him he came to me.

"Hey, Ivy. I...uh...I enjoyed your..."

"You what? Jayden. Are you out of your mind? What about Karen?"

I tried to keep my voice as low as possible.

"Look Ivy, I think I love you and I'll break up with Karen, it's no big deal"

"What? Are you insane? Look, I don't know what impression of me you got from last night but honestly that was a mistake plus I was high. I'd take back everything I said or did but I can't. Just forget everything. Okay?"

I made myself clear and decided to leave it at that but before I could take the second step he got hold of my upper arm.

"You can't just use me for a one night stand and walk away with that, you know right?"

"Are you serious?"

"Look I like you Ivy and I won't do anything to hurt you ever if you don't make me do it."

"Oh really? And What can you possibly do?"

"Don't make me show it to you"

"I don't wanna see anything. Leave my hand and let me go"

He took his phone and I waited for his video player to load. It was us there, I can't believe he a made a MMS.

"What the Fuck?"

I slapped him right across his face only to make his grip harder on me. He was now pushing himself against me on the locker and the closeness only made me more uncomfortable. I never thought I'd ever fall into a trap like this and even if I did I'll be brave enough to fight the bastard but when the time has come I couldn't stop my racing heart beat and the tears on the brim of my eyes.

"Believe me, I didn't do it intentionally and I won't ever use it only if-"

"Get off her, arsehole"

Shit. Now Ash's going to know all about this. I have to cook up some story, only if these fucking tears would stop falling from their place.

"We're fine Ash"

I said but ofcourse he got the tremble and suppressed sobs in my voice and pulled Jayden off me.

"Stay out if it Ash, it's between me and her"

"No, if you touch her like that, it's not."

"Ash lets go please" l told you at the very start I become invisible to people when they should listen to me.

"What was just happening here?"

"This is none of your buisness Ashton"

I can't just let the two of them keep yelling at each other in an empty corridor.

"Ash ...please let's ...go"

I pleaded him in between of my sobs. And thankfully he turned to me.

"What did he do? Why're you crying Ivy?"

"Please."

He finally got the hint that I can't bear Jayden's presence anymore.

* * *

"Will you stop crying and start talking Ivy?"

What can I possibly tell him? That, I spent a night with my friend's boyfriend? But I don't think I can handle this alone.

"I... No, you'll hate me after this Ash."

"I'm already hating you right now because you're crying and not telling me a fucking reason why?"

"I messed up Ashton. Last night, Jayden and I we were... We spent the night together and I don't ...feel good about it... I don't think I wanted to but..."

"Holy shit-

He leaned onto my seat and held me in his embrace. I should've apologized right there and explained myself however all I did was sob harder into his chest. It must've been five minutes, after which he pulled me away and made look him in the eye. His forest green eyes that're usually filled with unknown sadness showed feelings I could not read today.

"Did he force you Ivy?"

"I got drugged"

"What? Where do drugs step in from....wait...You came to take drugs from him. Didn't you?"

That was what I was afraid of. I decided to maintain my silence but Ash wouldn't let me. I never thought he would start yelling at me.

"I told you Ivy, not get dragged down with things you'll regret. I told you not to come close to Jayden and his circles why didn't you-"

"You don't know anything Ash, you don't know a bit of what I'm going through okay? My life is a living hell right now and drugs seemed to be the only way out..."

He took a deep breath to get back to his usual calm Persona and began again.

"I wasted 2 months in a rehab when I should've been there with my mom who's living the last months of her life with leukaemia...Drugs are not your way out, Ivy. Believe me."

* * *

We sat on my rooftop staring at the upcoming night sky. A rather starry sky than usual. Sometimes when I'm tiered of crying and my tear tank is empty I often think what actually the nights are meant for. That sounds absurd because I can't really explain it.

Some nights are made for torture, I guess

others for reflection,

Or maybe simply for savouring of lonleiness.

Today's was all of them.

"Life's a Piece of shit, it fools you around only to bring you at a dead end"

Ashton spoke to break the silence. I told him everything I had inside of me. Things I couldn't say to Annie too. And with him knowing the darkest parts of me I feel naked but still comfortable.

"Annie is more than your mom and my neighbour to me Ash. I never had the kind of relationship with my mom in all these sixteen years of my life that I had with her in the past two week. Around it's like...it's like I'm...loved. Like I'm not just a piece of worthless shit. She's to me what my mom should've been."

"I wanna show you place. come on, lets go"

* * *

"Fuck, I didn't know you can ride a goddamn motorbike! And look at that Harley, you know Harley's are my favourite."

"Really? I didn't think you would like the idea of us riding a motorbike in the dark of the night"

"Can I?"

I asked as innocently as possible as he was about to put the keys in.

"Can you what?"

"Ride it?"

"Sit back girl"

That was arrogant, I'll teach him a lesson some time for this.

"Look at its weight and look at yours."

Scratch 'sometime', he needs a lesson now. I smacked him hard on the head.

"oww...what was that for."

"Shut up and start."

"oh, I forgot helmets."

"Fuck. Helmets. Ashton."

We were at maybe the highest speed I've ever experienced on a motorbike when I got this idea. I thought of warning Ash about it first but then the howling wind denied it. I carefully lifted my right leg off from the foot stand and brought it up near my thigh my heart literally  pumped adrenaline instead of blood. Then I thought, what could possibly happen? Atmost, I'll fall and break a bone or two. That's affordable. After that thought, I was standing behind Ash on a bike at its full speed. And believe me, first time in my life of 16 years, I felt alive, the air hit my face with all of its might but I remained untamed. Like its a hands on fight and in all ways I wanted to win. Then the power slowly started fading away, I thought I was winning but it was Ash pulling me away from the fight.

"Why did you stop?'

"Are you fucking crazy? or do you want me put in jail for murdering you?"

"None. I was enjoying that"

"I wasn't. Ivy, believe, you're crazy"

"Agreed."

We sat under a bridge and like I said, it was a starry night. Carly's a perfect town. Anything you want, it's here. Friendly neighbours? Check. Crazy arse people like me? Check. Places where you can just sit and stare and be in your peace of mind? Check. Hot neighbours? I took a look at Ash, check. Starry nights? Double check. and not to mention, drugs? Triple check.

"After, you know...your dad will be coming here or you'd be going to him?"

I waited a long time for him say to anything. But, I guess it was a wrong call. I just wanted to know whether he'll be there right next to me, just eleven steps away or he'd go.

"If dad comes here, he'll bring his girlfriend too. If I go to him, I'll bring myself in between them. Plus, it's been twelve years I don't think we'll be at comfort with each other. I'll be 18 next week, so it doesn't matter anyways. 

He took a fairly long break before breaking the silence.

"It's not your fault Ivy"

"What's not?" I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"They're separating because that's their decision. It's no one's fault"

"It is Ash, things got worse because of my ED, I was the reason they forced their relationship this far. I should've done something, I could've done many things before things got this bad. In fact, I should be doing something right now, to save it. But here I am, a worthless piece of shit."

I'm never so vulnerable in front of anyone, it's just him. He compels the fucking feelings out of me. Things that are so well hidden under so many facades lie bare and naked in front of him. And, shit, why do I cry in front of Ash, it must make him think of me as a coward. Crying's for cowards Ivy, stop crying.

"Drinking is injurious to health"

"Okay, Ash, I'm not that much into drugs and Alcohol"

"Drinking tears actually is more injurious to health than alcohol"

Okay, I gotta change the topic. I started speaking of anything.

"It feels nice here, just staring into the blackness, thinking nothing, feeling nothing but this cool wind and the water. Seeing no troubles just the stars, I love staring into the abyss.

"Okay, maybe I'm being paranoid but why're you looking at me like that Ash?"

Next moment his lips were in perfect sync with mine. We kissed as if we could heal each others wounds with that one kiss, with all that love. I hope that was true. I hope this wasn't a dream. But then I don't have nice dreams, it has to be the reality. I don't exactly know how long it lasted, but it felt like a lifetime.

"The more you stare into the abyss, the deeper it stares back at you. You're not worthless Ivy, you're just...a little less loved...a little less known and a little more rare. I hope I could fix that."

Damn his eyes were filled. Crystal forest green bounded within the red boundaries that're unfathomable . Damn, I just saw so much pain...what is he hiding behind those beautiful forest green eyes. What kind of pain are you in Ash? Hurting yourself while you heal others. I kissed him again. Wishing this could at least ease the pain.