My Bad.

My bad.

I'm bad at so many things. Especially in leadership. I have grown so irresponsible that I'm now afraid to take any responsibility. But one day, I was feeling so positive about myself and I thought I changed. I took the responsibility to lead on some group activity (let's not just be specific about what it was), having the confidence that I have already collected myself-- that I got my act together now.

But it was a total failure. I was not trying to please the head, but rather myself. I sucked at the very start of the main event and had to drag my members to an embarrassing discussion of why my individual score was -260 out of 100 in our first presentation.

I was laughing to hide my broken pride, while the head was trying his best to not go all out scolding me. Dang, I screwed it again. Receiving straightforward words to correct me has always been there, but still they hurt; I thought I'm so used to this.

I was trying to divert my eyes around the room, so tears wouldn't fall any time soon. It's scary to think I was being reprimanded and becoming a spectacle for other members to see, letting them absorb not to follow my example.

I just wanna say sorry to God and sorry to the head; sorry to my classmates and also to myself. I don't know now, I feel so stupid but thinks it's alright at the same time. I know it won't change anything, but I want to regret and feel so bitter about the fact that until now and back when I started becoming irresponsible, I haven't change anything to myself at all. I'm still the old me--irresponsible and not born a leader.

I know I'll never be an alpha type. But I also remember that I dreamt of leading some people-- it's a disastrous ambition and probably only I would benefit from it.

I'm bad at this, so bad that I think bad about myself. I'm thinking so bad about myself to the point I started to feel bad for myself. Well, whatever.

There's always a room for improvement, but it will never change the fact that I sucked millions of times before and I still screw it at this very moment.

So, sorry. It's my bad.

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i deleted the first post earlier, launchora kinda sucks.