¹⁵⁰ A letter for the Lost boy in Neverland

Dearest Alex,

At this point in time, I am really upset. I have my worries everywhere. I did much work, but still, a lot more needed to accomplish. I feel tired. I feel exhausted. Sometimes, I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think at first because I have a lot on my mind. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. People don’t know since I didn’t talk about it. I felt used sometimes. At times of errors, I felt useless. I don’t know if this is depression or what, but I can’t express what I really feel. There are times I realize that my feelings are all scripted. Just like a play, I deceive my audience because this is me. I don’t want them to know I am not okay, that I am not emotionally stable, and that I am weak. I feel upset most of the time, but no one knows about it. Aside from work and family battles, no one knows about the personal struggles I have within myself.

I have a lot of random thoughts. All are self-harming. No worries, I will not do them. I promise to seek help when I really need to. I am writing this to you on the spot. No editing since this is my random thought right now. I want to release my frustrations, even if slightly because my heart is really aching right now. If you ask me what happen, I think I will just burst into tears but won’t spit a word. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I feel like this when I don’t want to. I want to speak but no voice can be heard. My mind is blank so, the story won’t be clear. No, the story will be left unsaid.

I feel unloved. I feel frustrated, angry, useless, used, tired, anxious, and lonely. I feel like being left out. Maybe, I build walls too high in four corners of me. Maybe, that’s the problem, maybe not. That walls are my protection. It is very useful for decades. I rarely get deceived by people’s façade but most of the time, I have a hard time saying no, so I think I still get used.

I feel empty emotionally and mentally. I have my worries about other people. They keep on suggesting things I don’t want to even hear. I am always afraid I might hear something I don’t want to every day. My heart isn’t steady at the moment. I feel like it will stop at any moment. I am super stressed. I hate this time of my life when I feel unsteady. I just want to go back when people don’t persuade me to do things. I am upset.

Can you help me? I feel like dying inside. I am tired of being used. I am tired of holding to rotten ropes. I am tired of everything that I want to just go to Neverland with you. Are you going to let me?