Dear Father,
I want to thank you for all that you have done so far in my life.
I am grateful for the moments we have spent together
Those smiles and laughs were beautifully painted by you with soft hues
Suddenly one day I found them all to be lies and ruse
I tried to keep the painting alive to keep our bond last forever !
But I got tired !
I lost all my energy !
If only you knew how hard it is to keep a bond alive !
You would have not scattered every speck of trust I had on you.
All the while I grew up watching kids happily playing with their dad.
Whenever I try to picture the same with me and you, you break them into pieces.
I always wanted a happy family of 4
But you never wanted to be a part of it.
I wonder what I did to deserve all of these
Do you know,
I always wanted a dad and not just a father.
Do you know,
Because of you I lost trust in people around me.
Do you know,
I stopped believing in people.
Do you know,
I overthink when someone compliments or uses sweet words
Do you know,
I started to get more and more detached from the world around me.
Do you know at least any one of these ?
We breathe, eat, sleep under the same roof and I wanted to say all these to you,
Yet I prefer to be silent.
Because I know, you would not understand !
People say,
Dad – Daughter bond is unbreakable
People say,
A girl child is dad’s little princess
People say,
A Dad cherishes the girl child more
People say,
A girl wants a man who can love and take care like her dad.
Are all those words from people around me true ?
This question has given me sleepless nights with fears.
The fear of getting married to a man just like you.
A man, who would never show me love.
A man, who would never show up at times I really need him.
A man, who would be egoistic and sadistic.
A man, who would never be a loving dad
A man, who would take away every bit of my hope.
What Am I supposed to do with all these junk thoughts in my head ?
I try to erase them, but I end up being more stifled.
The amount of trauma you caused was enough to learn some scary truths.
I have learnt not to water dead memories anymore.
I have learnt to write my surname holding back my tears.
I have learnt to abandon my comfort zone, which I thought was you.
I have learnt to walk alone, as no one would always hold my hands.
I have learnt to smile like mom covering up the pain.
I have learnt to be silent like my brother when others talk about their dad.
I have learnt that own blood can stab with a knife straight into heart.
To best of all,
I have learnt to shut people down when they try to meddle with my past.
Because,
To the society that credits you as the greatest father and thinks we are a happy family,
Will they ever understand me ???
If one day I wake up,
Share the pain in my heart,
Will anyone believe me ???
Nope !!!
So, it’s better to walk away from those memories than trying to solve them.
It has got no solution.
And I do know a person who is a living example.
I don’t hate you, there is no reason to, as you are someone !
Someone who I thought, I could call as APPA (DAD).