Before anything else, I'd like to congratulate you for finding this. It should've been hard. After all, I am known to make things a little bit hard to find.
You may or may not know this but I loved to write. In fact, writing was the only way I can express how I feel somewhat understandably.
If you were a daughter, I might have named you 'Saoirse' the Irish equivalent for freedom.
If you were a son, I would have named you 'Felix' for happiness and luck.
If the older me changed her mind in naming you, know that our intention would have always be the same: we want you to be truly happy and free.
The thing is when I was writing this, I'm 27, single, and still not planning to have you.
Why?
How could I possibly want a child of my flesh to be born in this cruel unrelenting world?
But, yeah, if you had this letter, you were born anyways so I'd like to share some things that might help you in navigating through this life.
The parent me might pressure you to heed her but at the end of the day, it is still up to you to make the decisions that you want. Please do not follow me blindly; weigh things carefully in your mind.
Yes, you might disappoint me with it. You might realize that your decision was a mistake but, the fact that you did it on your own terms and learned from it makes it worth your while.
If you have siblings, that means I wanted for you not to be alone in this world. I was born an only child and the weight that comes with it was heavier. I had to live by my self and with only my guts to guide me to which people and decisions I should trust. My life was never a bed of roses.
If you are an only child , I hope that I was around enough to help you have a will strong to face everything.
And, if I wasn't around enough and you're still here reading this letter, I'm so proud of you.
Pride. People would always associate me to that word and it would always hurt like a bullet shot through my chest. You may have heard of stories about me from them.
If they tell things that hurt you, brush it off and don't worry. None of what they tell you are wholly true because they never knew me.
All they knew was a prideful girl but they never realized that I was a broken soul just trying to protect myself.
You see, if I'd never had that pride, I would've not lived to be your parent. I would've succumbed to death as early as when my own mother did.
From when your grandmother died, I was all alone in this world. All I have left was my pride to live unbowed to whoever wanted to break my spirit. It was my mother's last words to me before they took her to the hospital.
I pass it on to you.
My child, be proud. Live unbowed to anyone. I did not give birth to you just so another human can squish you underneath their whims.
I'm sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for making things hard for you.
If I pressured you to study, it is because that was the only lifeline I had to make my future better. I would've wanted the same for you.
If I coaxed you to speak up, it is because I wish that you are able to communicate your true feelings with ease. It was the very thing I lacked and it made my heart heavier with unspoken emotions. I do not wish you to be burdened this way.
If I nagged you to make friends, it is because I do wish you have other people who would love you when I am gone. If I asked you to not be friends with everyone, it is because I want you to be surrounded by people that you can trust.
If I criticized the way you dress, or the things that you like, it is because I do not want you to catch any unwanted attention. Being a victim of circumstance or society is not something I would have dreamed for you.
If I burst at you at times, forgive me, I might have a lot of pain piled away in my chest and I had failed to create a proper outlet for it.
If I am quiet, forgive me, I do not wish to lash out with words that I might not take back.
Know that when I see you hurt, I feel the hurt a hundredfold more.
Parent me might not be the best mother in the world but please remember that I love you that much for me to help you be born.
I know, I'm writing this in a time when I never wanted to have you but I know this much about myself.
When I knew that you existed, I would have gone to great lengths just to help you live a better life in this cruel unrelenting world.
Whoever you are right now...
Whatever plans you make...
Please know that I will always love you.
Love,
Your Mom