A Mad Conversation

C: Time flies so fast. It’s been a year since we’ve been here.

Euphemia: Oh. It’s been a year?

C: Yup (popping the “p”) It feels like it only happened yesterday.

E: Yup (mimicking, popping the “p”) I could still remember the first time you’ve been here you were so scared shitless it was so funny to watch.  And you even let your sister made an account for you. What a silly person.

C: Hey, don’t call me that.

E: Ah huh? What is it? Silly?

C: Nothing.

E: Ah huh. Remembering something?  Or…would I rather say someone?

C: Shut up. You’ve always been a bully, do you know that?

E: And you’ve always been a push over.  It was cute and frustrating at the same time.

C: You do know I am you and you are me so calling me cute equals admitting you are cute, right?

E: Whatever you say shorty.

C: That too.

E: Anyway, looking back, I never thought we’ve made it this far.

C: Me too. I am glad you are still here, writing.

E: Wait a minute. Did I hear it just right? I am still here, writing?

C: *rolls eyes* You heard it right E.

E: *lingering stare*

C: What?

E: I’m gonna throw it back on you. The “you are me and I am you” thing. So the right thing to say is that I am glad we are still here, writing, stupid. Oh. Calling you stupid means I am calling myself stupid, what a stupid person. So it should be we are stupid? Argh. My head is spinning, you stupid girl. Oh right stupid.

C: Blabbering again. Sigh. Well it’s true. I’ve always felt like it was you, writing while I just stood there in the corner watching you.

E: (A minute of silence) Hmmn.

C: *nervous* What?

E: What, what?

C: Well, that is not the reaction I am expecting from you.

E: What do you want me to do, knock your head, I don’t want to hurt myself, you’d look more stupid hitting yourself, stupid.

C: Whatever. Well, it’s true. I’ve always felt like I am just in the corner watching you unfolding “me” before my very eyes. Would it be weird if I say you are so amazing?

E: Admitting you are amazing, wow, that’s a first. Atta girl.

C: No, I mean you are amazing, not me.

E: Here we go again, you, me, me you, right? Would it really hurt to admit you are amazing? Who cares about what they think anyway. They could go around saying “what a conceited person” but then like I’ve said who cares?

C: I don’t think I am. Well, I feel like it’s you and not me that is. It’s just that it’s awesome to see you doing that, not caring what they think about you, if you’re labeled as crazy, dramatic person, you just don’t care. I wish I could be you, you know. Uncaring bitch. Sarcastic. Funny. Free.

E: *Shrugging* Well, you’ve always been a sissy. One of the things I don’t like about you.

C: I’m sorry.

E: That too, saying sorry every time.

C: I’m so—

E: Continue that and I’ll smash your face, c’mon my hands are itching to do that to you.

C: Fine. Well I don’t like you too.

E: Really? *smirks*

C: Your attitude, that, I don’t like it. You being like that. You always get me in trouble with that attitude of yours.

E: I thought you admire me being sarcastic, this is me being sarcastic.

C: Well, right. But sometimes it’s too much. Always leaving me to clean up your mess. E, you can’t just go around saying “I want to kill you” and you like seeing blood because you know I faint at the sight of it or you like to have a collection of knives. Plus remember those times when some people took it seriously, like that  psychopathic  question thing I don’t even know if it’s legitimate you were  labeled to have a psychopathic  tendencies  and you just left me there while someone bombarded me with false accusations.

E: *Shrugs*  I know who’s  kidding  and just  teasing you --- like that lovely friend of yours, oh she’ll kill us if she read this, Regen Voda  kill me now *smile smile* I know she doesn’t believe we’re like that, a future serial killer, see, she really does have a sweet bone in her body, that’s a real friend right there so keep her and lock her up if she tries to escape---  and who are not and just being a bitch,  like those strangers who never really know you and just accused you right there and there , I just gave them the dose of their own medicine. And who knows if it’s real, see you worry too much, worrywart. Live a little.

C: And mentioning Regen will get us killed *face palm*

E: Consider this a payback for that poem of hers. It was lovely by the way. As expected of her. *insert heart emoji with flying kiss on the side*

C: …. Wait till she reads this.

E: Kidding aside, you know you shouldn’t care about what they say you know.

C: I don’t really care, but you can’t just do it here in real life. A good idea. But still, no. It isn’t right.

E: Who the fuck cares what’s right or wrong? People love to condemn their own kind without even looking at their reflections in the mirror. Hypocrites, that’s what I’ll call them. They should mind their business, just saying.

C; Sigh, yes but.

E: No buts silly. You know you can’t win an argument with me. Sissy.

C: You like riling me up, no?

E: You’re cute when you’re like that.

C: Yuck.

E:  You know, I used to hate you.

C: (Startled) Woah. I didn’t expect to hear that from you. On second thought, yes, sometimes I feel like you hate me.

E: I’m still a kind person.

C: Haha, you?  Kind?

E: Try abandoning someone for seven years let’s see if they can still forgive you.

C: (Silence)

C: (After fifty years) (Just kidding, make that a minute) I’m—

E: Don’t fucking say I’m sorry I’ve had enough of that, spare me please.

C: You know why I did that, yeah?

E: Yes, but I can never understand, no matter what your reasons are or were. You left me, that is all I know.

C: That time, I was hanging by a thread, me and my sanity. And you in the picture would’ve made it worse.

E: So you just shut me out and pretend not to know me, like I don’t exist? Really, was that a good decision.

C: Well, I was young and silly, I know I shouldn’t make that an excuse but I was lost and leaving you then was the only thing that I could come out to but I want you to know it’s hard, it hurt, and it killed me, those moments I was not with you. It’s like I killed my own self doing that.

E: But still you did it, and I will never forgive you for that.

C: I know, E, I know.

E: I’m not really a forgiving person unlike you.

C: I know.

E: I know how you felt when you saw your High School yearbook.

C: Hmmn? What about it.

E: It stabbed like a knife yeah? Seeing your old self writing stupid thing at the bottom her graduation picture “I will be a successful writer someday” A statement. A conviction that it will happen. All for the eyes to see. A foolish girl, silly and goofy thinking it was so easy, the road she’ll be taking and yeah, the road got rough and she gave up.

C: What do you want from me?

E: What do you mean?

C: You, bringing that up, what do you want me to say?

E: I want you to remember that time you’ve given up on your dream. That is all you wanted right? To write. But you abandoned it, just like that. No words. No goodbye, you just locked me up.

C: I had priorities. Still have. And taking that path won’t get me anywhere, that’s what I thought. You know E, you can’t just do it here. In real world. You just thinking about yourself and just do what you deemed fit like it. You can’t.  You have to choose. It has always been like that, life is a choice. You have to set your priorities, think about it. Justify your decisions. And stand up. Stick to it, even if it’ll kill you. Coz that’s what a sane, mature person would do. Act like  an adult should, that’s what I’ve been told. But you know there were times I cry in the corner, wanting you beside me, to listen to me, to explain I don’t want it, but I need to do it. But then I had to man up and stay strong, coz that is what I was expected, that’s what they know me. Strong, independent woman.

E: And leaving me was the best thing to do?

C: In that moment yes, that’s the only thing I could do.

E: Well, it’s water under the bridge now. No matter what we say, we cannot bring back those times.

C: Yes, but I want you to know I regret it, those years I suppressed myself to feel, to write, I regret every single day I let the time passed by. Writing, it has always been my get-away place, my solace. This is the only way I can express myself and losing that felt like I lost me. A part of me was missing and there is no one to blame but me.

E: You know what I want for you?

C: What?

E: I want you to stop doubting yourself. I want you to be selfish sometimes and think about yourself first. I want you to man up and say fuck you, world, people in here, this is me and this is I want to be.

C: Why? Why do you want me to do that?

E: Coz I want you to be free. I want you to be happy for real. I want you to be the best that you can be. And you know what, it isn’t true.

C: What is it?

E: It isn’t true, that I was the only one writing. Coz that is you, all of it is you. The emotion, the pent up anger, the tears, it was you who’ve cried. The love, the hate. The experience. I was just a voice in your head, but you were the one who experienced it. So I would say it was “us” who’s here, writing.

C: So you’re admitting you’re a dramatic one?
E: And stupid yeah, and crazy, who the fuck write for someone who wouldn’t care to read it anyway, you finally awake or want me to drown you, this time on toilet bowl.

C: Yuck, for the record that was us, like you’ve said who wrote it, but hey, who cares if they give a damn about it. We may write for them but we’re also writing for us, a means of survival right? We wouldn't be here if not for this, if we're not writing.

E: Don't do it, again. Leaving me behind..and no don't promise. Just do it.

C: Stealing Nike's?

E: That's "Let's do it", stupid

C: I won't and no, that's not a promise. I won't and it's final.

E: Yes, but you’re still stupid.

C: Right back at you, stupid.

****
A/N
It's been a year since I've been here and quite frankly I never thought that I'd still be here writing, I owe it to all the people I've met here. And the few friends I've gained. This has become my home not because I fit here but because of the friends I have made. Or more like they've found me. So glad to be found by you, crazy friends. Without you guys I don't think I would have stayed. Thank you guys, you know who you are. And so sorry for all the dramas I've caused.

Love,
C