My mind is seriously fucked up, I'm not kidding. I fear being alone because that's when the call of the void is stronger. There is no prayer that can cure the poison within my core. Tried it, but it just isn't for me. I want to go away, to remain in a place where no one will ever find me. This is the time you should pack up and stop reading for your sake.
People fear being alone, I'm no different but circumstances have always left me by myself and it's not such a bad thing. You get to think about things, ideas and the way the world works. This doesn't necessarily make me a better person, but solitude is better than pretending. Whenever I write, it is always a dance with insanity, an unravelling of the darkness. I've always been attuned to it, the shadow. I won't sugarcoat it, I hate people putting up a facade, a shallow reflection of who they truly are. The irony is that I am guilty of this, hence why I hate myself more than I hate any of you. It's a wretched existence and there's nothing I can do about it. Self-loathing is the result of my practiced apathy which eventually desensitized me to feeling anything at all.
It's sickening to see, how poisoned everybody is in this world. The world has stopped giving a fuck about one another a long time ago. We've swapped compassion and empathy for prayers without action. What was one known as love is now nothing more than a one night stand, peace has become a commercial tool for arms dealers, faith is reduced to building walls that keep people out. I could go on.
This is a glimpse of how I see the world. It's not a pretty sight for me. "You just gotta have faith." That's what they all say. Sure, I know it's comforting to think that there's someone up there who's overlooking things and that he has mapped out some kind of purpose for you, prepared you your little place in paradise. Because the other possibility is a hard pill to swallow, that you are nothing more than just a freak of nature, a product of evolution, a grain of sand in the massive landscape of the universe. There's a comforting thought.
I am trapped just like you, in a system made up of government, business, mass media and religion. I can't even tell how damaged I am, perhaps I'm already on the precipice of a mental collapse. I don't know and I honestly wish I'd stop giving a fuck about people but I can't. Despite it all, I still care about my parents, my siblings and my friends. Despite the hate, the agony and the rage, they make it possible for me to go on. None of them are perfect, but they still matter to me all the same, flaws and all.
I can't live for myself anymore which is why I have to struggle and claw my way out of this shithole everyday. It's a crappy way of living a life but it's what's left. I can't be like other people, who try to fill the void inside them by working, praying, fucking, drinking or partying. It's just not who I am, but I work everyday on being something, what that is, I really don't know. Whether it's a better me or a more fucked-up version, only time will tell but you know what, it's better than being just like everybody else.