In a moment of rage, everything stood stagnant, breaking apart slowly. The cracks that were audible in the growing silence punctuating every stillness of that night.
The frozen gazes were holding emotions indescribable for someone to speak up. Nor could they fathom those into meaningful words. The sound was so loud that it still rang near their eardrums in a mocking tale that they were nowhere near, to what people called love.
It was that night when she walked out of that door never to return. In her mind a broken trumpet of her lost love which she knew was finally breathing last.
On the other hand, he was living his life in the monotonously after that cold December night when the spring to his heart walked out leaving behind the stark chilling cold in his heart.
“Are you... okay?”
It was her best friend, Shriya who was stuck with her since she was 5. She was her only family after she lost her parents to a dreadful accident.
“I’m fine” she said throwing her best smile
Tiyash to Pankhuri was like the apricity, warm and comforting when she lost her will to survive. He was the cool breeze in summers and warm hands in winters. He was rain sometimes drenching her in his love as he worshipped her body each time they made love. Like the only thing that keeps him sane, while sometimes he was like mellows of autumn parched and dying with lost hope in himself. In all those autumns of his life she was the pillar who stood by his side no matter what.
Their love was more about innocent fingers lingering underneath the burden of clothes, on naked skin only to be heated further into something they called overdose. It was sex on the couch where he kisses her breathless and cuddles in morning with warm coffee and cookies. They were also about constant dates where she was the one to leave feedback on new cafes in town, and he was the one to tag her along in every new food experience around the town.
Pankhuri and Tiyash were a lot more to each other rather than plain lovers, and losing themselves to that ugly fate only lurks a deep hollowness in their hearts.
It was spring, when they finally met for the second phase of their tale.
“Look”
She literally moved her gaze from her fingers to his eyes. She was trying to gauze from his actions about what it was. It had been a week that they started to be in contact once again like old times. The coffee date was a result of that rendezvous.
“I know...I the best thing in your life, we made mistakes and I’m more at fault for....” he trailed off unable to meet the gaze of the person who was once married to him. His soon to be ex wife.
“...for slapping me” she completed his words without a pause, without stuttering
“Ye...ah” while he even get himself to complete it
“Well... Don’t you think, it would be better if we just hurry?” she asked
“What exactly?”
He knew what she meant. She knew he was aware of it but yet she kept it in a single sentence without punctuating
“For you to sign those papers, the divorce papers which were sent to you a month ago”
He gave her a simple nod and looked up to meet her gaze that was now transfixed on her phone.
He caught the slight movement of her lips, a smile that she was trying to hide. “Did you find someone?”, “You are really over me, you?” those kind of questions kept creeping into his mind but he knew he was in no state to ask.
“I’ll sign them soon” he said sipping onto his iced Americano.
“That’s what you have been telling Shristi for a long time now, that’s the reason I agreed to meet you here” she said aloud, earning a few glances from people around her
She immediately bowed her head a bit to escape the embarrassment, while she returned her gaze over him.
“Can we...”
“No!”
This time she stood up, paid her share and left immediately.
Pankhuriran towards the nearest trash can as she emptied her stomach right into it. A headache starting to form again. It had been a routine now, as she hurried to reach for a cab and straightaway escaped to her doctor.
.........
“So...you are telling me that...”
Words stopped. She was frozen in time and no matter whatever was in her mind, they refused to freeze into certain words, arrange into a sentence that makes sense and pour out in front of the lady who was dressed in a stark white coat. Pankhuri could even make out the creases formed on her face because of her age.
“You heard me right, you are pregnant”
Pankhuri felt like thrown away towards an abyss and left to drown in the deep darkness. She was unable to move, let alone speak. She took her own sweet time until she was walking inside her 2 bhk apartment that same evening.
For once, she let go of everything. She made herself a supper and slid onto her couch with the television running as a background noise to distract her thoughts. For once, she was behaving as if everything was okay and that none of those sad memories were real. She wanted to detach herself from reality and for a moment she was successful in it until there was one rush of memories and she was weeping. The noise of the television punctuating her painful sobs, as the darkness of the room was only illuminated from the screen.
She didn’t know what to do now that she wasn’t alone. She was with a child. Tiyash’s child, while they were at rock bottom waiting to end it officially. She slid under the blankets and waited for sleep to leave her dazed for the day. That never happened anyway.
..............
“What are you thinking of doing? Should I stop this case?”
Shristi being the affectionate ally was with her the next morning. She helped her cope with the rush of nausea early morning and even prepared a healthy breakfast though she wasn’t sure enough of whether Pankhuri was keeping the baby or not.
“I am in the midst of thinking, you can say”
The latter said sippingher tea, as the toast that was left half munched on her plate, forgotten.
“Are you thinking of telling him? He deserves to know Pankhuri”
“I know...I know that this isn’t just my thing anymore, but Shristi I really want to tell him”
She sighed. Shristi was able to understand her dilemma but either ways what was right was the best thing to do. This wasn’t just something that Pankhuri could decide alone.
“You met him last time right? What did you speak about?”
A memory came flooding her chaos even more. She knew what he wanted to speak about. But she also believes that they have turned toxic for each other. To an extent that going back in time will only leave them hurting. She didn’t want that to happen. Not now because if she decides to keep the baby, she doesn’t want that child to see the ugliness of love between her parents.
“I still need to think”
“Think about which thing in particular?”
Shristi raised her eyes at her.Pankhuri sighed knowing well, she needs to reach a decision in both the dilemmas.
............
It was another winter when she finally had a decision made. She entered her apartment and clicked on the lights. Her small world where she did everything to protect her warm sunshine who was now 3 months old.
She prepared herself a cup of coffee and clambered onto the couch. Sipping onto her mug she rubbed her hand over her slightly swollen tummy and smiled. Her smile a deepflavescent which was brighter than the sunshine.
“I can’t wait to meet you baby, but I know you will take your own time, to grow and be my bundle of joy right when I lost my will”
A knock on the door followed by the doorbell alarmed her. Her smile even deepened like the sunshine in summers as she walked up towards the door and opened it, only to be embraced by a strong pair of arms yet delicate to her.
“You are late today?”
“Sorry love, I was about to come but you see team dinners are always late”
“I see, so does that mean we will have dinner alone today?”
He turned to face her, Pankhuri was smiling running her hand over her belly, a habit she picked up at the realisation that something was indeed growing inside her.
“Of course not, wait for me, let me freshen up and I will prepare you something quick”
He gently held her head slowly and kissed her forehead. She smiled at him as he went inside to their shared bedroom.
............
She sat by the kitchen table of two as he prepared her favourite pasta.
“Thanks Neev”
“Anything for you”
It had been 3 months that she took another decision for herself. A decision to let go of things which have rusted with the course of time. A firm one indeed.
It had been exactly 3 months that he signed the papers and Pankhuri let him go. Taking nothing in alimony but just her broken heart she chose to walk away. However, she left Tiyash with the acknowledgement that she was indeed carrying his child. He wanted to stay, to pull back and knot those broken threads. To an extent she was indeed hoping that it would last, but it took them just 14 days to realise that torn strings, even if they are knotted back together ends up breaking again. And it was then that they left that relationship to sink down in history.
It was a few weeks later that she met Neev through a common friend. They met for a few times, shared a few coffee flavoured tales, until they felt an incessant need to be with each other.
On the onset of winter, while autumn was painting the ambiance in mellow and browns Neev asked her to shift with him. Pankhuri didn’t find a reason to deny and hence as she was hitting her third trimester, she was in a cosy apartment in Neev’s arms.
“Have you decided on a name yet?” he asked one such night while she was losing in the eternal warmth of the person who was playing with her fingers now.
They were lazying around on their bed. Their legs tangled, such that he could feel her cold feet against his warm skin. Her breaths tingling his skin on the neck softy.
“Um...not yet” she announced, digging her head deeper into the crook of his neck
He left a chortle at her act as he kept playing with her hand, tender skin and delicate fingers with her nails painted in a shade of brown.
“I wish we could find the gender”
This time she lifted her face to meet his face. She had a curious look on her face, the one which was rare.
“Why? You don’t want a girl?”
Her query felt more like an accusation. Something in her tone was scary and he knew why. He was aware of the fact that the pregnancy was keeping her on an edge. Her mood swings were terrible but he survived them all along just because of his love for her.
“No baby” he said removing the fleck of hairs off her face, plucking them behind her ear carefully as his thumb caressed her cheek softly, as he continued; “That way we can limit our names to either a boy or girl” he smiled at her,
Thankfully she reciprocated that smile and went inside her comfort place once again. A smile reached his lips and soon his eyes brightened up better with a single thought that crossed his mind.
.............
“What? You really are something aren’t you?”
She moved closer and adjusted his tie. She dragged the knot slowly upwards as she knew all his weak points by heart.
“Since you are single now...we can”
“Enough Shefali”
He pushed her a bit and stood still adjusting his blazer. She had hurt smeared all over her face but Tiyash someone to care.
To say he moved on would just be a waste of framing words. Tiyash was someone who still was filled with regret to the brim of his heart about that night. It still haunted him that he did something as such to the only girl who ever held his heart. He damaged her to an extent that even he was left destroyed.
Tiyash was still in love with Pankhuri and he didn’t fear to accept it. He kept in touch with Shristi, asking her about her health, about Pankhuri’s well being but never dared to show himself in front of her.
He knew Pankhuri was in love with someone else. Good thing that she could actually move on from him, but he was still stuck in the waves of time.
“Hi”
“Hey”
That was all they were left with, whenever their friends had a reunion or some occasion to get back together. He never dared to look at her in the eye, afraid that the love which he have graved at the farthest corner of his heart will be alive again. No! He cannot, will not ruin her happy life now.
It was one such invitation that year that was hard to ignore, and so putting up his best facade he went along.
“Hey...look who it is, Tiyash”
He smiled at his college mate who dragged him forward as his eyes caught sight of her.
“Hi...”
“Hello” she passed a smile
He didn’t want to, but seeing the bulging bump he resist but feel a love so warm that it was clouding all his senses right then.
“How long are you...?” he asked hesitantly pointing at her stomach
“This...she is 4 months now” she smiled rubbing her stomach softly at the mention of her sunshine. Sunshine was the code name she and Neev used while referring to the baby these days.
“She?” he arched his brows in confusion
“Oh...we have a hunch that it’s a she” she said smiling warmly
He preferred to differ although he nodded his head. It was another thing that they were over, but he was still attached to their unborn baby. He wanted to be near her, to feel those first kicks to the first time the child will utter the first word or the take the first step. But alas! Nothing of that sort was valid now.
Even though Pankhuri promised Tiyash that after the birth, the child will have his name, be his child and even be with him every alternate days from the age of 3, he was still yearning for more.
One wrong move on his part and everything crumbled down, to an extent that they cannot fix this anymore.
“Well...if you say so”
He passed a smile. A smile that was an alternative to all those words he gulped down into his chest.
............
It was the next summer season, when Jeet Malhotra was born on one sunny morning. Tiyash rushed to be by her side from the moment Jeet was born and Neev understood it as well. He left a week ago for a conference which he was pushing back since a few months now and promised to return after a month.
Tiyash was blooming in joy as he took little Jeet in his arms. His hunch was right afterall, his father instincts somehow were correct while most of the times it’s the mother’s instincts which came true.
He held onto the little bundle of joy for quite some time until Pankhuri woke up after her anaesthesia started to sink away.
“Tiyash...our...baby...”
“Here...” he smiled showing her the baby in his arms
He read her face once Jeet was in her arms. Her eyes were glassy but he knew even if she sheds those tears it will be tears of bliss. She cuddled the bundle in her arms and looked up at Tiyash who was by her side.
“Thanks...” he whispered as he held her hand and rubbed it slowly
“What for?”
“For allowing me to stick by your side at this moment, I know this is the first and last time I can experience this, thanks for not giving up on this child” he had tears glistening in his eyes
“I did what was right Tiyash...though we ended long back in time I can’t keep you away from what’s yours, this child is the last string that keeps us attached” she said, her eyes holding the traces of pain of the love they could not save.
“I...still...”
“I know...” she said softly, his eyes found hers as she passed a smile which was the brightest ever he saw her wear.
...........
Things went by smoothly right after the birth of Jeet. Neev was back in town as he held onto the baby with utmost care and love. He knew Tiyash was the official father, but he couldn’t deny the burn in his heart when he saw Pankhuri and him together from time to time.
Things went on, and Neev got busier just for a distraction. He wanted to understand that this was needed for the baby. Tiyash was the necessity for Jeet and no matter what Neev wanted to be the matured one to understand but his love for Pankhuri was making it difficult.
It was one such incident when Jeet acquired a serious fever. Neev tried so hard to keep her sane, although he was scared himself.
“Call him, now hurry” she was already a crying mess and he knew she needed her ex husband to be by her side while her baby was in emergency.
He obeyed to her wish, and called Tiyash right away. Tiyashmade no second thoughts but to reach her immediately.
Once he was inside, he ran towards Pankhuri and right in a moment of weakness she broke down in his arms. In the embrace of her child’s father ,her ex husband.
“It’s okay Pankhuri please calm down Jeet will be fine it’s okay”
Neev quietly made his way outside as he stood there putting his hands inside his pockets when something came back in his memoir. He pulled out the thing he touched inside his pocket and stared at it longingly.
That night was supposedto be the night when he would have asked her for marrying him. It was supposed to be their special night. The moment when he would have asked her to be his forever, but everything now settled down in just thoughts. Vacant thoughts.
..............
By the time Jeet was 5 years old he was shifting places. Following the old settlement, with just a difference made he was with his official father for a week and back at his uncle’s place with his mother. It was taking a toll on the toddler as they decided to extend it to 2 weeks time.
“Jeet come on get ready or you will not reach in time”
Tiyash gathered the school stationaries and got the child ready for his play school.
“Dada will mommy come to pick me up today?”
“Yeah...she will be there, and you will be spending the next two weeks there with mommy and your Neev uncle” he smiled fixing his hairs.
Tiyash went over to bring the car keys and once they were ready he made the small boy sit at the passenger’s seat and pulled the belt. Next, he took the driver’s seat and pulled his seat belt.
“Okay...Jeet have fun today” he smiled as he drove through the highway
On his way, he realised how his talkative son was keeping mum all this time. He stared at his son to know what exactly was troubling him but Tiyash was clueless.
“Anything wrong?”
“Dada...”
“Yeah tell me” he said shifting his gaze at him quickly as he pulled at the side of the road near the school.
“Dada...my other friends...their dada and mommy stay together for all four weeks” he said counting on his tiny fingers
Tiyash threw him a blank expression, the one that was clueless.
“Their mommy don’t stay with another uncle” he said again
“Jeet...”
“Why dada... can’t we stay together?”
I wish we could!
I wish we never parted!
I wish I haven’t taken that step!
“Dada”
Jeet’s voice broke his reverie as he adjusted himself before speaking again.
“Jeet, me and your mommy are just friends, and friends stay together”
He tried hard to make his line look presentable. He wanted to leave no doubts that could hamper the small mind.
“But dadas and mommy are supposed to be together right? That’s what others told me” he said dejectedly
Tiyash wished he could fulfil that wish, but alas! It was already too late.
“We are friends Jeet baby, now hurry your friends must be waiting right?” he said trying to be as cheerful as he could
“Um..yeah, bye dada”
“Bye Jeet”
He smiled as the small boy walked out of the car and made his way throughthe crowd of children with similar looking attire. He sat there for a moment reminiscing the day when he lost her forever.
“So that’s it right?”
“Pankhuri what is it? Why do you care about what other’s said or did?”
“You really think I am just overreacting to what your mother said? She fucking called me a slut who stole her son damn it, she even considers me to be infertile”
“Pankhuri mind you language okay!” his words rang louder in the silence of the night
“Really Tiyash? You know that’s the problem with your whole clan, you people never realise what you did wrong” she said the last words in an attempt that he might not hear her, but even then she was audible
“If you have so much problems with me, my family why did you engage with me in the first place? Why did you agree to marry me?”
“What if I ask about the same thing to you?”
“Pankhuri”
“Don’t scream at me Tiyash you know how your family treats me, its as if I am only the one who is trying to hold onto you, the only one who is trying to save this family, while you do nothing, you let your mother call me names, you let her insult me each day, you pay no heed to what is happening around me, who fucking don’t care about anything but just your mom and that stupid standard you…”
Her words stop. The ambiance is dipped in a heavy, pregnant silence. None said a word. An action in rage cannot be taken back, but what it leaves behind is regret, the regret of losing something special which you thought will be yours forever.
The slap on her face punctuated their relationship that day. He knew it was the mistake he never thought of doing but eventually he did. He hated himself after that, but he knew it was of no use. She told him straight that she didn’t trust him now that he wont act like that again when the situation calls.
He also knows how they were never going back together, as Neev was finally marrying his one and only love.
………………..
Soon after, Neev and Pankhuri’s marriage, Jeet turned six. Pankhuri went for a trip to the Maldives while keeping Jeet at Tiyash’s place. He promised her that he will take the best care of his son and Pankhuri had no doubts about it anyway.
It was after a week, while she was scheduled to return. Tiyash was informed beforehand, and he wanted to keep the surprise for his son who was finally seeing his mother after a long time. So, he prepared a bouquet of her favourite gerberas and picked Jeet from his school. He took him shopping while the father son duo had a brunch and straight away he dressed his son up in brand new clothes from the mall. It was then, that he drove towards the airport at the designated time.
“Dada…where are we going? Are we going on a trip too just like mommy?” he asked, his innocent smile brightening his little face
“Um…not really”
“Then?”
“I have a surprise for you”
“I miss mommy”
He heard his son as he smiled to himself, he couldn’t wait to see the smile on Jeet’s face once he sees his mother. However, that was just a dream as that moment never came. They did reach the airport in time, and everything was fine for sometime until something dreadful reached his ears and a hullaballoo was created right then. He picked his son up as tears rolled down his eyes in a futile attempt to keep himself from crying. He wanted to stop shedding tears but everything in his calibre was draining off.
………………
4 years later, a 10 year old Jeet along with his father walked up towards the home where once a family resided. He missed Pankhuri no doubt, but he knew Jeet missed her more. He slowly walked inside the abandoned house and stared at the huge picture of Neev and Pankhuri in the hallway.
“Mommy, I am ten now….” He started
Tiyash stood behind him, observing the scene.
“I was 6 when you walked away forever, I didn’t understand how an aeroplane came down when it had wings” he left a small laugh and continued, “But now when I’m old enough I understand that things as such exist, they happen and no matter what we do its bound to happen”
Tiyash was surprised by the maturity of his son. He wiped a few tears and stared at him intently.
“I know you miss me mommy, I miss you too but I understand how you cannot come back to me even if you miss me, but I love you mommy, I loved Neev uncle too but alas! You both aren’t here with me today”
Tiyash walked softly towards him and held his son closer. Jeet let his father cradle him a bit as he felt Jeet’s tears drenching his shirt. He held onto his son tighter as he whispered for one last time,
“I am sorry for what happened, for what I did, for how I let you down, but trust me, I love you, I ALWAYS DID”….
Story