2017. I clearly remember people greeting me on my birthday in the summer and now here I am just counting the days til I bid goodbye to this whirlwind year 2017. How can time fly so fast as if things just happened yesterday yet feels like so much has happened as well at the same time?
What kind of year has it been? I wonder about this too these past few days. And I realized 2017 has become a year for myself. After such a heartbreaking 2016, I found myself a little better by the start of 2017. I thought, I'm ready for whatever is ahead because of all the things I have conquered the year before. But voila! To my surprise, I am yet to face another ordeal of hardships and heartbreaks this year. I didn't imagine myself facing the same things and find myself lost and pondering about it again.
And I say to myself, "I told you it's a cycle!", but why doesn't I feel a little less if I feel like the same things happen to me? I still mind boggling for me that every time the same thing happen, it hurts more - it is harder. But then again, 2017 has taught me something clearer as I get through its months. And that's to really "never give up pn yourself". I have always told myself about this, really. But to apply it is way harder than it seems. I am the cruelest critic of myself. I pound myself so hard when things happen, bad or wrong or something hurtful. I tend to blame myself everytime but this year, I found a way not to be too hard on myself. And I think that is the plot development of my year.
At the middle of August, back when I feel like I am physically drain and mentally tired, I was holding onto my emotional strength. But then again, God has entrusted me with a challenge that will shake my being and test my trust in His plans rather than MY plan for myself. I found myself lost. I found myself physically feeling worse that I already feel because of the meds I am taking and the tiredness that is overcoming my body. My emotional state, that I am holding onto, has been shattered. For a moment, I went totally blank. I cried to that one person who was always there. I shut out, left all my social media and just focused on myself.
And that was the time I met this platform, Launchora. Once I shut myself out of the world. Launchora became a place I found myself expressing things I cannot say. It became my home. A place where I can tell myself that I can be vulnerable, that I can tell everything that hurts in me. It is also a place where I taught myself to be positive even more. Everything I wrote, I tried to end with a positive note. Why? It became a way for me to always see the good. It became a way for me to teach myself not to dwell on the pain but to focus on what I have gained - lessons in life that I will forever be grateful for. I wrote here and found peace. And I realized as well, there were a lot of people who may not be exactly like me but is somehow facing the same emotional breakdown as I do. And reading how they feel and how they relate with the things I write, I found a sense of reason to write more. I found a sense of purpose for me; to write and be able to help others not give up on themselves and somehow shed some light and hope in them. Launchora became my turning point as I keep myself up and fight the pain of letting go. It wasn't an easy task but I did it. With Launchora and him, I found myself letting go and restarting again, I don't know how many times it has been but I know this time is something better than the last time I did.
And now I am ending this year with a purpose. A purpose to write more about life, of God, of hope and more positivity to share with everyone. 2017 has been a year that has dreadfully test me mentally and emotionally, but God has again found his way to show me why I should continue. And that is through Launchora where writing became something that reflect what I feel, what I learned about what I feel and where I can use this lessons I now have gained. With Launchora and this person who have always stood by me, I found myself excited for 2018.
There is a part of me that is scared of the uncertainty ahead but deep inside me, excitement builds up for all the possibilities that awaits me this 2018. I may have lost parts of me this year. I may have emptied spaces in my heart. I may have let go of people and things and dreams and hopes I have longed wish. But this 2018, I have now a chance to improve parts of me. This 2018, those empty spaces can now be filled with better things for mem this 2018, I can now rebuild and work on new dreams for myself.
I won't say 2018 wouldn't be hard nor would I say that I would be able to handle everything under control always but I will definitely and can definitely say this, "No matter how hard 2018 can get, nothing would ever stop my heart from fighting for what is better for me and for what will help me grow for the better!". 2018 will be a year to continue growing and continuing to share hope and goodness to those I can share it with. The world needs more of those and I found my mine through writing.
So here I am, saying my last piece this 2017. A big thanks to him and Launchora and all the other people who have always supported me in all my endeavors. May you find what keeps you fighting and may you be able to share the goodness you have found in the battles you face in your everyday life. May 2018 bring out the best in you and may it be the year you find the path that will take you to where you have always wished and hoped yourself to be.
From crawling to the grounds this 2017,
From fighting hard to stand up this 2017,
From keeping myself from drowning this 2017,
I am now ready to spread my wings and fly high this 2018.