An Apology To My Almost

I always want to tell how sorry I am but all I can do is to write it here. I'll just keep it to myself and to my friends here, right here.

SORRY FOR BEING TOO NUMB

I know you’ve tried so hard. I saw it with my own eyes how you’ve changed yourself. I was amazed by it. Amazed by you who I never thought would do something beautiful to make me happy. But I am made of diamond, hard to crack. I am insensitive. I don’t give a damn if you’ve changed the way you wear your clothes, your faith, your habits. I can feel nothing. I use to see people's insincerity creeping out of their mouth forming clouds of falsity. A smoke that signals a "back-off" move.

SORRY FOR NOT EMBRACING YOUR IMPERFECTIONS

Nobody’s perfect. Everyone has their own flaws and I admit that yours fit perfectly with your personality, that it made you even more wonderful. Yes, you are wonderful. Even your flaws are made perfectly that it doesn’t fit mine anymore. Yours are captivating and hypnotic. Your overly thick eyebrows, too long eyelashes, deeply sunken eyes, bloated cheeks and fat-less lips are fascinating. The way you perceive things is dumbfounding. Sometimes it makes me laugh at you, and sometimes it just leaves me speechless. You’re vulnerable somehow. You want me to care. You want me to tie my veins around you because you are fragile. But I am careless. My clumsiness may ruin and hurt you more. I knew it why I chose not to embrace your imperfections.

SORRY FOR NOT ACCEPTING YOUR PAST

I know someone broke your heart into pieces and you wanted me to pick those pieces up, put it all back together to fix you but I want you to know that I cannot do that. You’re too broken and I know that, I, myself is not enough to ease your distress. I cannot accept the fact that your grievance over your past has been tormenting you until now. You let yourself a product of your past. Your whole body sores and I cannot cure those parts that have been damaged enough.

SORRY FOR BEING TOO SCARED

I’m too scared. Yes, I’m a real coward. I don’t easily believe in words, even actions, even if it tastes as sweet as sugar. I know that it can crumble my soul as how the sugar crumbles the teeth. I’m scared that one day, I may lose myself in love just to find out I lost my sanity to people who are not worth it.
I am afraid that one day, you will just leave me like how other people leave their partners; like how the characters in the movies that I've watched lost their heart and just left their wives. I'm a real freakin' coward. I'm afraid to fight for my feelings for you, I am afraid for the future challenges that we are going to face.

SORRY FOR BEING SELFISH

This is what I am and this is what I do. I just let myself fall partially knowing that you would just leave, fade then gone forever. I used to push people away, far away from me after intentionally finding out the things that I hate about them before it gets to my throat and choke me to death. I'm so selfish that I don't even want to share a part of me. I don't wanna be convinced that love stays, that some people stays forever.

But I am not saying that you are not worth it, you are just too good for me. You deserve someone who can appreciate your imperfections, accept your past, and someone who is brave enough to fight the battles with you. I apologize for not deserving you. You are enough and I am sorry for myself for letting you go because I had to.