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Illustration by @dariaesste
They say it's only on your mind.
No! No it's not. It's inside of me; in my soul.
How can you say that when you don't even know how it feels. I don't even understand it and I don't know how to explain it, but let me tell you what it does to me.
In the morning when I wake up I have to tell myself I'm happy and I'll be fine but once I step out of my room, My nerve is shaking, my heart is aching, and my mind is rumbling.
How am I supposed to be happy?
My nerve is shaking to the point where I cannot eat cause if I push myself to eat I'm pretty sure that I will throw up.
My heart is aching cause I still remember all the people who've caused me so much pain who've taught me not to trust again, 'Do not trust cause they will deceive you'. It tells you not to trust anybody including yourself.
My mind is rumbling there's so many what ifs; What if I don't fit in? What if I ain't good enough? What if people think I'm weird? What if I'm wrong? What if?
You can totally tell I look fine on the outside but inside of me there's anxiety that tells me to stay home. It's holding me inside. Telling me to doubt everything including myself. It's screaming inside of me " Don't you dare, don't you even try to disobey what I'm telling you or else I will attack you and everyone will look at you like you are the craziest person they know."
A threat that tells me to stay in my comfort zone.
Now I'm scared. I'm really scared and I'm still coping. How am I supposed to be happy when there's a living monster inside of me. How am I supposed to live where I can no longer control my own life. I'm screaming for help but it seems like nobody's listening. Hoping that suicide don't overtake me cause I'm so close, so close to the point that I'm looking for a place where I can tie the rope that I will use so I can finally die, so I can finally kill the monster.
46 Launches
Part of the Self-Help collection
Updated on September 27, 2018
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