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You wish for your story to be different, because you want to believe that you are unique. You try a lot to keep faith. But everyone is unique in their own ways and in that we all are the same. That is why no matter how hard you try, you will eventually have the same story to tell. You think your tale is the most enthralling and closest to reality but deep inside in your heart you too want the guy to win over the girl.
The girl, a woman, is brave, confident and independent. She is someone whose mind always wins when pitched against her heart because she knows very well the cruelties of this world. She is brutal, flashes a no-nonsense attitude and is always ready with a witty reply. Behind her strong willed soul however lies a soft heart that is wanting to be freed; waiting to be filled with warmth and love strong enough for it to thaw her cold heart. A heart so barren and alone that many a battlefield have been fought and won in its folds, but also which have left it broken and shaken. These are battles she's fought with herself because she dared to raise the very questions she didn’t know the answers to, the very questions she didn’t want answered but had to face nonetheless.
She hasn’t let the world turn into a spectator to these scars. She remains silent. She isn’t suffering; simply coping from every battle that her heart has lost and her mind has won. Although she's always wanted her heart to win, she's known she needs her mind to win more. And so she argues with herself, birthing tornadoes in her head that leave her exhausted but also stronger. She often wonders the worth of this in-sensitiveness. Wonders if that is the answer to all the pain the world has to offer. Disappointment soon follows when she doesn't have to try to not care, when she's mastered the art already of not letting anybody in. She sometimes reminisces days when she was sensitive like everybody else around her, when what people said and did and thought of her had mattered. She tries to reason if it was truly necessary to stop caring and turn cold and distant. She tries to fool her mind into believing that there isn’t any more need to keep up with this facade because the world is working towards becoming a better place but unfortunately she underestimates her own self. Her head knows to blindly ignore these curve balls. Knows to laugh at her heart and ridicule it. Her mind knows well that if it falters and fails to function as it has been trained to it is she, and her heart alone, that will suffer the most. So it braces itself up a little more than usual and comes charging at her heart with full force, pulling out the big guns- logic, reasoning and reality, whenever and if it feels threatened. Against those big bad guys the heart definitely stands no chance-- she knows it and breathes a sigh of relief.
She is often proud of her mind but is left ashamed by her heart.
You can rejoice with your head later. It always wins. Nothing new to that victory. But a strike to the heart always leaves fresh wounds.
She's lived this way for a long time now. But because she is human she has also continued to invest time and patience and kindness into rearing her damaged heart back to health. She is however aware that underneath it all the one thing that she has tried to fight and ignore is still alive and breathing, is still aspiring to see the light of day to prove her very mind wrong. And that is the worst of the many battles she has to keep up with on a daily basis in her life.
She fights this battle of love with courage, vigor and patience and it never ceases to surprise her, or take her for a wild ride or for that matter simply end.
Chapter Two
It had been a Sunday afternoon just like any other and yet it had ended so differently. The weather hadn’t been pleasant for a while now. It was hot and sticky and the air was thick. The sun shone brightly upon mankind and it seemed that the rays were more sharp and damaging than the heat itself. She was sitting on a park bench. It was sunless and cool and from afar seemed like an envious spot for one to occupy alone on such a scorching afternoon. But somehow the heat didn’t seem to trouble her much. She welcomed the warm rays of the sun like a child having his mother look over him as his guardian angel. She sat on the end of the bench so that a little sun could fall on her face and neck. It lit her up so fantastically, as if she was to pose for a high end magazine shoot. Her eyes however were the most mesmerizing of all. She looked around herself admiring the wonders of nature. You could see it in her eyes that that was what she was doing. They lit up every time a breeze ruffled her hair a little and the leaves danced near her feet. She was just sitting there looking at people walk by but her eyes saw more than just people. A crowd is nothing short of an artist’s work on bold display, I'd later hear her say to my cousin.
There was one thing that she wanted the most in life, from life. She wanted to be known. She wanted to be celebrated. She aspired to be far more than ordinary. In a valley of masks, she wanted to be recognized, to be the one everybody wanted to be. She was a good human being, not believing in resorting to deceit and scheming to climb the ladders of success, fame or money. She was a parent-friendly child and her morals and principles reflected very well on the kind of household she was brought up in. I have been taught the value of everything and the price of nothing, she’d often say. And for herself, she wanted to be priceless. She wanted to do great things and change the world. She wanted her folks, her countrymen, her fellow human beings to love her selflessly and carry her up the ladder on their shoulders, out of respect and awe for her and her immense humility. Don’t get her wrong; she doesn’t wish to rule the world. She knows she is owed nothing from it. All that is hers or ever will be is what she has been granted and that is why she wishes the world to bestow upon her, her victory. ‘It shouldn’t come from me, the win. I must only do my work and wait patiently to be rewarded. Only then all the love and respect and awe would be truly earned and worthy of me’ she’d say to herself every day. It was her motto. She wasn’t a follower of Mahatma Gandhi or Martin Luther King or Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa or Bhagat Singh or Lord Buddha. She was a force to be reckoned with, no doubt, but the kind that didn’t grow or empower itself in the teachings and beliefs of others but her very own. She was calm when need be but ferocious and vivacious if the situation demanded it. Her ideology was an amalgamation of the many things life had taught her; the good, the bad and the ugly all woven together. Her learning one day more like her would understand and then form their own was what she wished and prayed for and hoped. She wanted to be different not because then she'd be considered unique or special but because she believed that her purpose on this planet was pre-destined and for her to execute it to its fullest, she needed to be a little more alert and aware and detached than most of her fellow beings. She didn’t want the monotony and the ordinariness of life to blind her mind and soul from recognizing that one moment when her purpose in life was to make it recognizable. And for that, she was ready to do anything. Anything at all.
Seeing her sit on that park bench alone, in that heat, had triggered some long lost emotion in me. For just a second, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time or had refused to feel. I had lost that emotion in a split-second but while it had lasted, it had awakened me. The sense of purpose in her eyes had suddenly made me wonder and think about my own. She wasn’t doing anything, just sitting and looking around and admiring. The longer I looked in her direction, the more and more it seemed as if I was stealing her privacy. Like it was her moment and I was an unwelcomed but shameless spectator- not leaving and only gawking. I was glad she hadn’t noticed me. I am sure she would have left her seat and lost that moment and hated me without knowing me for making her lose her peace and I didn’t want to be that person. I knew her from somewhere, I knew that much. Her eyes! I'm sure I couldn’t forget a pair of eyes like hers- so true and yet hiding so much.
She wasn't very old. She may sound wise and learned but was a mere nineteen years old. I knew that because now I remembered clearly where I knew her from. It was that party. She had decided to throw one unexpectedly and I had ended up there because my cousin, who happens to be a good friend of hers, had been invited and had dragged me with her, promising a night of fun galore. I had reluctantly accepted her extended invitation for I had truly nothing planned for the weekend and didn’t wish to spend it alone. With my cousin away at this bash and knowing nobody else in the city, I knew I would be lonesome and that I didn’t want. So putting on my only good shirt, I had left for the party hoping I would find some pleasant company so as to not look like the guy who no one knew and everyone avoided. We had been the last few to make it to this house party and I had been floored the moment I had set foot into her house. It was huge; white all over and with a balcony jutting out of every room. The kitchen was magnificent- it already seemed to house more than half the party and there was place for a few more to join in. The furniture was old but spick and span and reflected utility alone. There were people everywhere but the house still didn’t look crowded. I estimated that about fifty or so guests were present and my cousin told me that about twenty or so more were expected by the hour end. I was stunned! There were so many people at the party that it didn’t look like the host had decided on it out of the blue. How much money had this friend of my cousin’s spent on this party?All the food and alcohol must have cost a bomb, I was sure! I saw no elderly supervision around the house and decided for myself that this friend was a typical rich , spoilt brat who had no value for money and who was definitely exploiting her parent’s absence and was all about status and popularity. I had a sudden urge to confront this young lady, give her a piece of my mind and probably tell her things and teach her a few life lessons that her parents had clearly failed to let known. I began hunting for my cousin all over the house because I didn’t know the young girl and needed my cousin to introduce me to her so that I could talk to her thereafter. I decided I would be as polite as I could be and not come across as a twenty-three year old adult who was nosy and self-praising. I spotted my cousin after almost going around the huge house twice and when I did, I saw her passing money around, and from the looks of it, it looked like a lot of money. I had been patient all along but now I lost it. I pulled my cousin out of that crowd and dragged her to a corner which was surprisingly sparsely populated. Her expression was one of embarrassment and bewilderment. Before she could comment on my behavior and question my actions I bombarded her with my thoughts of her overtly-pampered friend and demanded answers to questions even I didn’t know had been brewing in my head all along.
My mind had let out every tiny droplet of thought into words that now sounded harsh and personal. I was furious and I didn’t know why. I wanted to know it all and in fine detail and quick while my cousin stood in front of me, dumbstruck. I wanted her to open her mouth and spill all of our hostess’s secrets but she just stood there, not moving and looking right through me as if I wasn’t even there. I realized that we had gathered an unwanted audience but I didn’t care. My cousin had been staring at her feet for about ten minutes now but hadn’t even attempted to answer any of my questions or clear any of my doubts. I couldn’t take it anymore. Her arrogance and stubborn attitude I couldn’t handle and I decided to leave her there, in that party without saying a word and I did. I had expected her to follow me down the flight of stairs and apologize but nothing of that sort happened. No chase down the road, no call, no text message-nothing at all. I reached home, her home, alone, in about thirty minutes and sat down in the dark room, thinking of what had just happened. I was angry, and for the right reasons I believed and didn’t have to apologize to anyone for that. However, I was hit by a pang of guilt for making a spectacle of my cousin, who had so kindly opened the doors of her home for me. For that I decided to apologize to her whenever she’d get back but I wasn't going to leave my questions unanswered; questions that soon began to fade away as the night pulled ahead and after a while I felt like I didn’t even remember all that I had wanted to ask Miranda in the first place.
I was lost in my own thoughts when the doorbell rang. I did not move because I knew I had left the door open to let in some cool air to calm me down and so the door bell only agitated me more. If my cousin was really sorry she wouldn’t have dared to be joke around but when I saw no one get inside the dark house I stood up and decided to make the first move-after all, I was the elder one. I switched on the lights which illuminated the room after a few flickers and raised my head up. That was the first time I saw her, standing there at the doorstep, with her hands in her pockets, wearing dark blue denim jeans, a loose black t-shirt, brown boots and a cherry brown leather jacket. She looked so calm and casual, like she had just stepped out of the movies with a couple of her girlfriends but there was just something so sensual and attractive and strong about her that I was left mesmerized. I looked at her so intently, like I had never looked at anyone or anything before. My gaze must have started to make her feel uncomfortable because she began to clear her throat and stare at her feet, just like my cousin had a while back. I pulled myself together and introduced myself right away, surprised a little at my own forthcomingness. I apologized for my looking at her that way and invited her in but she didn’t move. She took my hand and introduced herself but her voice lifted me and took me elsewhere. I didn’t hear her when she told me her name or that she had come looking for me, not my cousin.
“My cousin isn’t here. I am staying at her place for a while till I find my own place in a few days. She is at some stupid party; some arrogant bitch of the town it seems decided to just waste her parents’ money because she was getting bored!” I said, not paying any attention to whatever she had just said.
I had never expected to feel so ashamed and sorry in the next second when she smiled the most brilliant smile and said, “Well, I am that arrogant bitch of the town. And your cousin is still at the stupid party. You don’t seem yourself now. We’ll talk later”.
She got inside the apartment and went straight to my cousin’s room and emerged a fine fifteen minutes later. I figured she had been here before because she knew what switches to turn on and where the bathroom was because in the midst of all that tension, it seemed like only she could take a break to use the bathroom. She handed me a post-it that had a number scribbled on it, in the most beautiful handwriting I had ever seen and said, “That’s my contact number. When you feel better and want to talk, you can call me anytime you want and we’ll meet up. Don’t trouble Miranda with any of your questions. I am responsible for whatever wrong you think was going on in my house and I will clear your doubts, not her. Hope you had fun at the party and I am sorry that you had leave like that”.
She then turned around and left. I didn’t realize I hadn’t withdrawn my extended hand in which lay her phone number now. That had been, for sure, the most fastest that I had scored a girl’s number and yet I wasn’t elated. More so the opposite- stupid and diffident. I decided not to wait up for Miranda and went straight to my allotted room. I didn’t know what to do with her phone number, I didn’t even know her name because I hadn’t cared to ask and now I felt miserable. I put the note down on my side table and convinced myself to sleep before I was to make a fool of myself more than twice in a day. I pulled the covers over my face and called it a day. The last stray thought hovering in my head before I really fell asleep was that of a stranger leaving such an unexpected and novel effect on me. She had made me feel wonderful and miserable all at the same time and I knew nothing of her. She was a stranger I had to know more of, anyhow.
Chapter Three
Later that morning I had found Miranda having breakfast at the kitchen counter and talking to somebody on the phone in hushed voices. She had seemed to end the call abruptly as I had walked into the room and I wondered if she had been talking to the mystery girl I had met only yesterday. She apologized for what had happened last night and offered to make me breakfast. I apologized too for being out of line in front of her friends and colleagues. All the awkwardness seemed to dissipate when I complimented her on the amazing choco-chip pancakes that she had made me and everything felt normal again, just like it had been all these days, until yesterday. Miranda told me she was running late for her French class and left soon after I was done eating. I wished her all the best and saw her run down to a honking car, smiling now and that made me feel better. We hadn’t exactly cleared the air about what had actually went down yesterday but I was okay with not knowing the details now because Miranda had chosen to not raise that issue and I decided that I would respect it. I didn’t need to know everything and I was sure it was pretty much what I had made it to be. I cleaned up after me and went back to my room, sitting on my bed and thinking what to do now of the phone number of that girl whose party I just might have screwed up. After a lot of thought I decided it would just be better to let the matter rest and not dig into it any further. She had told me very firmly to not bother Miranda with any questions about the party and I hadn’t and I didn’t see the point in getting touch with her now, when I had moved past the point of wanting to know-it-all. I tossed the piece of paper into the bin and put my mind to rest about all of this. A nice, quick bath and I was out into the street soon, trying to get to the few apartments I had lined up to see today. I spent the entire afternoon looking around, grabbing only a sandwich for lunch and kept at the task till about seven in the evening when I finally stepped into the apartment I knew was going to be mine soon. I was just the tiny bit out of my budget and a little off my travelling comfort zone but I fell in love with the place instantly and decided it was time to end my search right away. I agreed to meet the broker the next morning for breakfast at the café nearby to go over the paper work and left a happy man. I was twenty three, I was Henry Richard and I had found a place for myself after three weeks of searching and looking around. I couldn’t wait to share this news with Miranda and picked up some white wine on my way back to celebrate. It took me close to an hour to get home and when I did, Miranda was already there, getting ready for dinner and she was just as excited as I was when I told her all about the apartment. It took me just a day to pack up all of my things and in a week’s time I moved out of Miranda’s house and into my apartment. It wasn’t very far away, about forty minutes if there was mediocre traffic and otherwise, an hour tops. I set up soon as I was to begin work at my new job in another three days and I started to work on my presentations and numbers, forgetting all about that awful and surprising night, the girl who was so different than I had ever met and whose name I would probably never know and the only girl whose number I had dumped into the bin in less than 24 hours of getting it. I felt a little dirty now, thinking of a nineteen year old for that half hour that she had been in Miranda’s house with only me there, like some chick I could have scored if had tried, tried really hard though. I shifted my focus to my work alone because a new phase of my life was to begin soon and I wanted to do everything right to the last detail.
Chapter Four
It had been eight months since I had moved out of Miranda’s house. I had settled well into my new job and my neighborhood. I often felt a sense of pride when I looked around my office, my desk or even my kitchen for that matter and I didn’t exactly know why. Maybe it was because it was all mine, the very few but the foremost of my owning. I had been the one who had worked hard and straight to get them and I was proud of that. I never spoke of myself highly even to myself, setting another goal soon after I had achieved one and hence I was forever lost in a constant rise and fall- victories and failures. And these battles weren’t what people might perceive them to be. It wasn’t about a big promotion or a hike in my salary or a bigger apartment or a girlfriend that every male colleague of mine would envy. These things were known to the world to be unnecessary but people still went crazily after them, but that wasn’t me. For me there were more significant things to prove to the world and to myself. I was a twenty three year old guy, currently single with an impressive job profile, a good apartment that I could soon buy if I got that promotion that was lined up in a few months though I wasn’t really gunning for it with as much zest as my other colleagues were but I felt there was something still missing. My parents lived in another continent altogether and though it had been a while since I had last seen them I hadn’t lost any conversation and knew what was happening in their lives and my homeland too. I had forever had cordial relations with my extended family too and though like any other family we all met only in summer vacations or at weddings, we were all living our lives well- individualistically and collectively. I spoke of my parents always with respect and reverence. They had been great while I was growing up and were even now. I had always considered myself to be lucky to have such understanding and accommodating parents. I believe that was so because of my younger sister Jade. Parents aren’t exactly handed down any rule book which they have to follow to the T. They don’t follow any specific parenting styles and are always struggling to be their best and do their best. It’s all about the parent I have always believed. There are never wrong kids, just not the best parents that they could have hoped for. As often as a kid and while growing up too, my parents, especially my mother took great pride whenever my sister or I were complimented or celebrated or awarded. ‘It’s not just you who gets the prize. It’s me too’, she’d always say, year after year at mine and my sister’s graduation ceremony. I never exactly understood what she meant by that but lately I had just started to figure out. It wasn’t that we didn’t have any family dramas or some deep dark family secrets. It wasn’t all happy and sunshine forever but we got past whatever hit us, stayed together and stayed calm and just let time pass by. Maybe that is what made us a happy family. We weren’t perfect and never did we strive for any sort of perfection but we were okay. We were strong individuals who made an even better team together, that’s all. And then there was Jade.
She always just kept everyone going. Three years younger to me but that girl was an old soul. That is why she was my first and only best friend. We had our differences- major differences, but on things that mattered the most to me we were strangely like-minded and those things weren’t necessarily all that significant for her. She was messier than I was, always leaving things out and never putting them back in their right place. She knew what was expected of her but she wasn’t very governed by it. I was the more focused and goal-driven of the two siblings and she hated that about me because that brought on comparison- in-house and otherwise and at that I always won. I was the more perfect version of a child, she wasn’t far behind- just a more typical teenager than I could have ever been. It surprised me too often. I mean I was the guy and I was the one who should have been the first to get nervous about my first crush or to hide away my first stash of pot that I ever smoked but it hadn’t been me. It had been Jade. And her second and only time smoking pot had been with me which had been my first and only. She’d screw up sometimes. Her grades wouldn’t be all that good and consistent and episodes happened with her friends. Sometimes she was involved, sometimes she wasn’t. But it always left my mother worried. She was anxious about her future, about what she’d do in life. She wanted her to be things, I wanted that too, but not at the expense of straining my relationship wither her or drawing her away from me or making her think that she wasn’t on the right track. Jade was a good kid, we all knew, we just needed her to be a little clearer about things in life. My mother had always been very academically ambitious for both her children and she was often anxious about Jade because though she worked real hard and kept at it, her grades and credits didn’t exactly reflect that. The more her studies grew, her position in class was dwindling with each rise and that upset my mother often. I would always tell her to not worry, that at the right time, when need be, Jade would reform her best, but that helped less often than I wished for. My mother really respected Jade for never giving up but why her efforts didn’t yield the result s she wanted for her daughter he could never understand and that left her confused and agitated. But irrespective of everything, everyone at home doted on her. At the end of the day if Jade went to bed happy, we all slept well too.
I always knew what was on with her- her friends, her school, just her life in general. And the girly, non-brotherly stuff that she didn’t share with me reached me somehow through Miranda She and Miranda were close, the most involved cousins I had known in my family and because Miranda knew I needed to know everything about everyone, she’d tell me things. I never meant to pry, I respected my kid sister’s privacy but I needed to know all about her, even if it was Miranda throwing tit-bits at me. I was completely okay with Miranda filtering out what needed to be and then get me all the news. She knew what and how much of Jade’s womanhood tales I needed to know, and I got all of it. For the rest, even if a little hesitant at first, Jade would come out into the open soon and we’d have a long chat about it. It felt great, almost adult like, to have someone young look up to you. It scared me sometimes, I felt responsible for someone other than me because after my parents, I was the adult in her life and who didn’t come with the same restrictions as a parent does and thus I was invariably viewed in a different light. And that did sometimes put me in a difficult spot because though I didn’t wish or aim to be her third parent, I still had to be strict where the need be and be the brother at other times. What I say leaves an impact on her is what I majorly like to believe. So even when I was being all cool and her ‘brother’ and not the ‘parent’, I had to be careful. If someone’s got bad parents, the sibling, if there is any, is supposed to save the day. Though our parents were the most best that they could be, I played an important role too and I wished to play it to the fullest of my abilities. She never understood why I took the whole elder brother thing so seriously. For her, I was just the first child of my parents- a child, just like her. She would never get it, so I always let it be.
More so, I was genuinely glad I was the elder sibling. I would have been pathetic at being the younger one. She knew that because at the end of every fight she’d pounce on me and say, ’you would have been an awful lot to handle. Thank the lord you are my elder and not younger brother’. I would laugh off her comment with the same standoffish attitude all the time but in my head I would be smiling ear to ear. There was one person on this planet who loved me for who I was, how I was and was thankful for it too and that was my sister. She was just like those people who you hated at times so much but couldn’t keep them off you for long and you’d be the one missing them first, wanting to talk to them and reconcile. I wasn’t expressive of how I felt. I had never been and I didn’t even try. I accepted the fact that I was just that sort of person and I was happy to be. It only made things weirdly obvious and known to all and I didn’t really support that. People who mattered, who I ‘loved and cared for’ knew. I voiced my love and my concerns as inconspicuously as I put forward my perspective about things- subtly but with poignance. And when people, who needed to know, knew, then that was all that mattered.
Chapter Five
I often wondered about love. I was expected to not really pay much heed to concepts like love and belonging and building a strong, steady and healthy relationship with the opposite sex because apparently for men it had to be all about money, power and sex. I never understood the lust for any. Money left you a beggar sooner than later, power only earned you more enemies than friends and sex was only for the body, it never quenched the soul’s longing for another. If I’d ever say all of this out loud, most men would cast me aside as gay (a stereotype that shouldn’t exist in the first place) and consider me less of a man. And the women- maybe some would go gaga about how sensitive and sweet I was but most would react just like the men. They wanted someone kind and gentle and sweet, yes they did, but only for a while. Because nothing really beats looks, a swanky car or the history of being a Casanova. Being picked by a lady’s man got you situated on a higher pedestal amongst the woman with no doubt. And that’s what the women were aiming for too- power, money and sex. It’s just that for a woman power was about being the one calling shots on the bed and money was the shoes their feet wore. And as far as the sex was concerned, men were mere toys. They didn’t really need a man for pleasure. It was all just a front to tolerate social protocols because nobody liked a sobbing, lonely single girl friend. It was all just to fit in- for both the men and the women, just like high school. Nothing ever really changed. Only time went by and they had less and less of it after each day to keep up the act.
But I had never been looking for the fairytale kind of love. I knew better than to believe that it existed. I wasn’t fighting for its presence; I was only looking at it from a different perspective. There are billions of people in this world. Some are running scared. Some lie to be happy. Some are happy because they are lied to. Some are evil, at war with good. Some are good and fighting hard to stay good. Fighting temptations, grief, death, sorrow and loss. Six billion people in this world, six billion souls- both bitter and sweet. And sometimes all you need is that one. The one that is in sync with yours. And that I believe is love. You have to sometimes fight for it; sometimes you are lucky and you just find it. But you have to constantly protect it, understand it and work at it. As love grows, you need to grow too because loving someone is more demanding than being loved by someone. Do you love someone because they love you? Or because they are that one person you would want to be with always. And if they don’t love you, do you stop loving them back? And if you do stop, then did you truly ever really love someone? Love was as easy as it was complicated. Or maybe we made it more difficult than it needed to be. I believe it’s because we experiment with it too much. We are impatient and just want love to happen. Fast. Soon. Like the one day delivery that Amazon promises. But you have to wait. If you wait long enough, I m sure you’ll find the one everyone dreams of finding in their lives. We fear too much. Scared that time will run out. And then we give in to ideas like sacrifice and compromise and adjustment. But we shouldn’t. I didn’t. And I am still looking. Still waiting. At twenty three years old.
Chapter Six
This coffee house had become my favourite hang out place now. It was open for precisely 20 hours a day, shut from just 3am to 7am. They closed down only to clean up so that they could set up and get the place running again. I had been sitting, holding up the table for nearly an hour now, waiting for my blind date to turn up anytime soon.
I had stayed in touch with Miranda ever since I had moved out and it had been going all well until she had decided to peek a little into my social life, especially being curious about any female company that I kept. When she got to know that outside of my colleagues and a few work friends that I had managed to make, I didn’t exactly lead a very reputable social life, she decided to take matters into her own hands and began looking for a little girl action for me. This was to be my third now, if the girl was to actually show up, in a long string of blind dates that Miranda had planned for me. I had refused straight away when the idea had popped into her head but her side of the bargain was something I hadn’t been able to refuse and decided that I would try this arrangement out.
Miranda had promised to come by to my place whenever I would ring her up and make me a delicious and voluptuous dinner, all by herself and offer me all the inside info on Jade, claiming that I didn’t know after all everything about her and that I would be interested in the stories she had to offer and I had to, in turn, agree to go out on three blind dates that she had hand-picked for me. I don’t know why the number was restricted to just three- maybe Miranda was confident of her choices of women for me, I thought and decided to not judge her expertise which such mundane questions. At first it felt like I was cheating on Jade somehow, trying to know of things going on with her life and not respecting her privacy but the not knowing got me a little anxious and I gave in. I couldn’t think of what Miranda could possibly know about Jade that I didn’t because Jade had always been very frank with me- be it about her studies, school gossips, social dilemmas, girlfriends and boyfriends. I took up the offer right away after this part of the deal was told to me.
I had almost decided to leave and end this stupidity when it happened. I was getting ready to settle the bill for three cups of coffee (I had been a little nervous) and a tomato cheese sandwich when I saw her. She was cleaning up the table right next to mine, her back to me at first but then she had gotten around to the other side of the table, and now stood facing me, working really hard, almost fighting to get that split over coffee stain off the table. It was her eyes that caught my attention. Those eyes. Ah!
I could have never forgotten those beautiful, serene pair of eyes. I was mesmerized instantaneously. I could not move. It was like some kid had played a nasty joke on me and stuck my ass to the chair with glue. But it wasn’t that. I just looked. And I had kept looking even when she had walked away, not in the slightest bit recognizing me. Or when she had come back to my table with my check in her hand, asking me to pay by cash only.
“It’s you”, I said, almost gleefully.
“Sorry sir but I don’t recognize you. It seems you have got the wrong girl. If you could just pay the bill and get going. My shift is ending in another minute”, she said. All work, no play. She was so beautiful, I assumed she had strange customers say that to her all the time.
“That’s great then. Sit down and we can talk. Would you like some coffee?”
“Excuse me sir but I don’t know you. And I don’t really hang out with people I don’t know, and by that I mean strangers. So if you could just pay up. I m sure you have the money”.
“But we have met before. I don’t know your name but we have spoken before. A while back, I agree, but definitely not long ago that you can’t remember”. I was a little hurt. She had really not recognized me. And she wasn’t even trying. She seemed uncomfortable now, after my last comment and I remembered that I had made her feel the same way when I had been in her company before and decided that our chance meeting would have a better ending this time.
“I am sorry. Let me introduce myself. Hello. My name is Henry Richard and I’m your friend Miranda’s cousin. And you are the 19 year old arrogant bitch, as far as I can remember”, I said, with a grin, trying to lighten the moment.
My words hit her hard. I could see it in the way her posture changed. She stepped just a tiny step back, away from where I was sitting and began to look at me more intently now. I enjoyed her stare, it felt welcoming, like she was absorbing me in, trying to find in her head where we had met and when. Her eyes were questioning. She was looking for something in me that she could recognize and end this awkward silence between the two of us but she seemed to be failing every second. Had I really changed that much in the past year, I thought to myself. Maybe I looked better and my rugged handsomeness had caught her by surprise. But then I tossed that thought aside myself, the next second, and just sat there, not helping her and letting her struggle a little more. And just as I was about to relinquish her from her misery, she spoke.
“It’s you. Yes, I remember now. That episode at my birthday party. You were really angry the last time you spoke to me so maybe that is why your politeness failed to let me place you correctly in my head”, she said, very nonchalantly.
Ouch! That hurt. I was shocked. She had recognized me, turned down my offer and taken a hit at me for my agreeably rude behaviour at our last meeting-all in one second. And here I had been thinking it was because I looked better after a year now- older and hotter. I thought chicks were digging for this look these days but then this girl in front of me here was not the conventional girl either, I knew that much.
“For that I am sorry. Deeply sorry. I was way out of line back then and maybe even now and for all of my foolish behaviour, I apologize. So tell me pretty lady, what’s your name?”
“Flirting. Seriously mister? You’ve got balls I admit. But it’s okay. I like a man like that.”
‘I like a man like that’. What was that supposed to mean? Was she being real or just pulling my leg?
“I m sorry”, I said, “I wasn’t flirting. I just wanted to know your name. The last time we met you gave me only your phone number, to settle the score, no name. And because I settled it all with Miranda I didn’t care to gather any more information on you and so I don’t really know your name and that’s all that I was aiming for.” This girl wasn’t going to be easy. I had just asked her for her name, with no hidden agenda in my comment or in my head but she had still managed to unsettle me from my voguish attitude and make me a tad bit nervous again.
“It’s okay. Calm down”, she replied with that brilliant smile of hers. “I knew who you were the moment you walked into the café. I was just waiting to see if you’d recognize me and you did. And then I just thought I’d make things a little comical and uncomfortable for you. I am the one who should be apologizing. You look almost scared now. I wasn’t going to call the cops, if that’s what you were thinking.”
“Thank god! You really got me. That was smooth. Well, I m glad you remembered me. But you still haven’t gotten around to your name?” I said, breathing a little better now and relaxed. She had been just kidding. And she had remembered me. Wow!
“Hi! My name is Alex Kramer. I m twenty years old, a fresh graduate out of college and enjoying the luxury of a few temp jobs till I get into the university of my choice for my post graduation degree. And sorry to inform you, but I was never a 19 year old arrogant bitch.”
“Kramer. As in Kramer v/s Kramer?” I said, knowing that she probably got that a lot but that’s all that my smart mouth could come up with.
“Nope. And that never gets old. Have you seen the movie?”
“Yes and no. I have an idea of what the movie is about but I haven’t as such seen the entire movie. Maybe we should. Together. What do you think?” That was bold. I hadn’t exactly been planning on asking her out. Not so soon at least. I had just gotten to know her name, after almost a year and after a few cheesy and over the top moves, I was sure she was just being polite by sitting down and sharing a little conversation with me. I was expecting her to let me down again when she instead replied in the affirmative.
“Sure. That’s a great idea. Generally, when I tell people that I haven’t seen the movie they just break into a fit of storytelling but I don’t think anyone has ever got the whole thing right. So I’d love that.”
“Okay then. Let’s make this happen. I’ll pick you up from here around 7? That should give you enough time to get ready”, I said, smiling ear to ear.
“You don’t have to. I know where you live. I hope it doesn’t sound stalky but I have been up in this neighbourhood before, with Miranda and when she was showing me around, she also let out your address and so I know how to get there. I don’t mean to freak you out, I m sorry.”
“Oh, please! You are embarrassing me. Such a fine and lovely girl is in possession of my address. I am on top of the world right now. Don’t apologize. My colleagues wouldn’t believe this story though. That’s it”, I said, in reply to her confession which had left my hands sweaty and my throat dry. I had managed to cough up such a cool reply but inside, I was screaming my lungs out. She knew where I lived. Was that a good thing? What did she think of it? Will her opinion change when she’ll actually get to see it? And does she know what I do for a living too? Where I work? And does she often talk about me or ask about me to Miranda? This was all so confusing. I was a guy. I shouldn’t be thinking so much. A hot and charming young lady knew my residence and I should be dancing in my head, but instead I was beginning to lose it a little.
“Hey? You okay? Anyway, I’ll see you at your place at 7. I gotta run now. My shift has been over for a while and I have been sitting here, chatting and catching up with you. It was nice meeting you Henry. Bye!”
“Goodbye now, Alex Kramer. I shall see you soon.”
And with that it was over. I paid my bill, she packed up and left and I was alone. Again. Just like I had been, half an hour ago. But so much had happened, so much had changed. I was finally scheduled to meet someone, for a date, at my house, in another hour. Just an hour! I raced back to my apartment and began to clean up the place. It had to look presentable and smell nice. I didn’t know what she was expecting but I wasn’t gonna let her walk into my apartment, assuming it to be a 24 year old single guy’s bachelor pad- all dirty, with things strewn all over the place and a little smelly maybe. I got done and was about to hit the shower when Miranda called up, to check on me, again. She had gotten news that my third blind date that had also been set up by her had failed to show up.
“I m so sorry Henry. I don’t know why Kiara didn’t show up. And also those two other bitches. I m really sorry brother.”
“Relax Miranda. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Maybe they had some place better to be. Or maybe they had been busy. I don’t know. And after the first failed date, I really didn’t care. So relax. I m fine. And I hope you can stop with this nonsense now. It’s not working out and besides, I met someone.”
“Wow! That’s great. So who is this lucky girl? And it’s great how you are so calm about all this. Generally, when the blind date failure count is up to three in a month, guys get all edgy and egoistic and either they can’t stop bitching about women, more than them or turn creepy and obsessive. Anyway, great that Kiara didn’t show up.”
“Yeah! Great. Say thanks to Kiara for me. Anyway, I have got to go now. My date is gonna get here in another hour. Bye Miranda. I’ll call you up tomorrow to fix up our dinner date.”
“Wait. Henry. Who is the girl? Her name is….” she said, and I knew what her next stream of questions was going to be and so before all the suspense could backfire on me, I said, “Her name is Alex Kramer. You know her, quite well I believe. I ran into her at the café nearby where I always go. It was her fifth day at work. She is a waitress there. That’s who I m meeting at 7. Now please, can you let me go? I’ll call you after I let Jade know about it all. Okay? We’ll talk about it over our dinner date.”
I heard her excitement rest at first, when I decided to give the name away and then felt it rise again when she heard the name and knew who it was. For a split second I had been scared of Miranda’s reaction. If she didn’t approve, what then? What if she minded? But she put all my doubts to rest when I heard a loud cheer from the other side of the phone.
“That’s great Henry. Alex is a great girl! I won’t hold you up anymore. Go and have a great time brother. Bye! But I will call again for details. See you.”
“Bye Miranda. And thank you. See you soon.”
I put the receiver down, had a quick shower and walked straight into my cupboard. It was that moment when you look at all the clothes you have but can never pick the one outfit to go with the occasion and then you curse your choice of clothes, your style and how despite having a million clothes, you just don’t have the right one. I had only ten minutes now to get my act together when the door bell rang. I froze for a second. I was naked, well except for a towel tied around my waist and I had a girl waiting for me at the door. I was lost in thought when the bell rang again, and this time more persistent. I stumbled out of the room, got to the door, took a deep breath and answered the knock on my door. And there she was- Alex Kramer.
“Hi Alex! You are here a little early. It’s just 6:50 in the evening. I thought we were meeting up at 7, weren’t we?”
“Oh! I m sorry. I will leave right away. And get back here in umm…another 8 minutes and 20 seconds. That’s okay?”
“Yeah okay”, I said, because I hadn’t really been listening, more worried about my nakedness when I saw her turn around, reaching for the elevator. “Where you going? Did I say something wrong?”
Looking at her wrist watch, she said, “No. You just told me to get back here in another 7 minutes and 40 seconds now, that’s all.”
“Huh? I did. I m sorry. I was just being silly. It’s just that i wasn’t dressed yet and you got here early and then the constant knocking and ringing the door bell. It just got me all confused and a little embarrassed perhaps. Don’t leave. Come on in.”
“Such a gentleman! It is okay, I forgive you. Anyway, I am sorry. We did agree upon 7 pm and I got here a tad bit early. By the way, I didn’t know your invitations implied a pajama party was on the agenda”, she said and walked in the door, smiling that beautiful smile that looked like a grin now. “Nice place you have got here Henry, its good, for a guy, twenty four and single. You must be doing well at work, I suppose”.
“Thank you! Have a seat”, I said, pointing out to the sofa, that had almost become invisible in the past few months, always overflowing with work files and documents, but looked decent now, in the dim lighting of the room. I must thank Miranda, I thought to myself, for helping me set up the place, which looked splendid now, after all the rigorous cleaning.
“Would you care for something to drink, my pretty lady?”
She responded without looking back from out the window,” People still speak like that?”
“No. Not really. But that was just for you.”
Great! What she must think of me, I thought. First, I keep her waiting. Then show up at the door half naked, which for today’s generation was translated as an invitation to a pajama party. Then almost send her back. And now this. I might as well tell her that I have been stalking her for the past 6 months and plan to kill her today, in my apartment and enjoy seeing life leave her beautiful body.
“I mean it’s one of my many moves. I don’t do that often, you must know.”
I was losing it. I could almost hear my brains screaming at me to shut up and so I did. I muttered an apology and walked into the kitchen to get us something to drink, leaving her alone in the living area. I opened up two bottles of root beer, without waiting for her reply, and put in some popcorn in the microwave. This would save the day, the best popcorn in the world, my favourite. And Jade’s too. She would have a good time laughing at my thirteen year old boyish behaviour, I was sure and I decided there and then to de-exaggerate the events of the day and present them to her very dryly. And I would have to be careful with Miranda too. Alex could ruin it for me, if she was to let the cat out of the bag and declare to my sister how lightheaded I was. I walked back into the living room with the beer bottles in my hand, hoping Alex would still be in the room, but she wasn’t. I panicked. Did she actually leave? Without saying a word. This was worst than being stood up at three dates, back to back. I should have just stuck to the basics; I thought to myself and slammed the bottles down on the table, furious with myself. I sat down on the rug, with my head resting on the sofa, feeling sick and stupid. And just then, out of nowhere, I heard something.
“Are you okay? Henry?”
Ah! She hadn’t left. She was still here. My stupidity still hadn’t ruined everything for me. These three words were the most serene three words anyone had said to me in a while.
“Yeah! I m great”, I replied, without looking up at her, staring right into the floor like I used to, as a thirteen year old boy, when any girl from my math class would ask me for my help. I really needed to get past this thirteen old boy stuck in my head. I noticed the glimpse of a tattoo on the nape of her neck when she pulled her hair back to tie it up loosely in a bun. I saw that she had changed into my old college jersey; I don’t know how or why but had retained wearing her blue shorts. I realized that she hadn’t moved an inch either in the past few seconds that I hadn’t. And she had been looking right at me, more intently than I had been looking at her.
“That’s my jersey you’re wearing Alex. Where did you find that?”
“Well, I thought we could turn this meeting into a pajama party even if it hadn’t been the original plan. And I was just looking around, taking a stroll in your apartment when I saw your jersey hanging on the back of your chair in your room and thought I might as well change into something comfortable while you were getting busy in the kitchen. I hope you don’t mind. And it looks really great with my shorts anyway.”
“Sure! Okay. I suppose I can deal with this arrangement. And by the way, the jersey does look kinda cute on you. Beer?”
She nodded, took a step ahead in my direction and with the beer bottle in her hand, sat down very candidly where I had been sitting a minute ago.
“This feels so much better. The floor is cool and this heat is too much to deal with anyway. I suppose I don’t have to invite you to take a seat in your own home Henry, now do i?”
“No you don’t. I’ll just get the popcorn from the kitchen. It should be done by now.”
“Sure! I’ll wait.”
What was happening? Alex was wearing my old, stinky college jersey, whose bright blue had now faded into a dying blue. I had worn that jersey my entire summer vacation last year and mother had had to wash it literally every second day. And how come I never heard her rummage through my stuff, walk around my house and just stride into my room? This wasn’t real. Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I had never even been down to the café today and this was all in my head. How was it possible that in just a few hours, from being just me, I was in the company of a stunning young lady, whose constant presence was leaving me all confused and nervous and jittery and gushing? I decided to put my mind to rest, took a few deep breathes and walked back into the room with a large bowl of popcorn in my hand. I would be the perfect host from now on. Sticking to the script which I had written in my head an hour back and not deviating from my initial plans- of watching an old movie with an old friend and ending the night with some takeout Chinese food from around the corner, nothing more.
But the forces of nature seemed to have a different plan for me. Every time I came around to make a general comment about the movie or the weather or Meryl Streep, Alex would somehow steer the conversation away from what I wanted to talk about and towards our chance meeting in the café earlier in the day. And every time she made even a fleeting reference to it somehow, it left me nervous. Was I going to get laid tonight? Was that why Alex was here? We were consenting adults who could enjoy a casual date ending with the two of us in bed, naked and vulnerable but I wasn’t sure if that was going to happen. And soon the need to know began to grow larger and larger. Alex looked right into my eyes every time she said something to me and for some reason I wasn’t prepared for such eye to eye contact. Her jokes always carried an alternative sexual meaning and her hand was constantly brushing against my shoulder. She was in my clothes already and that had happened voluntarily, even before we had begun watching the movie. She had already very coolly spoken of our date turning into a sleepover and well, she did look stunning in those shorts and my old faded jersey.
The movie ended before my dilemma could, about our standing regarding our further night activities when it struck me. Alex had already seen me being stood up by three of my earlier dates and had most probably taken pity on me and decided to spend the evening with me and flirt with me a little and make me feel good about myself at the behest of my sister, Miranda. There couldn’t be another better explanation that was me sound and fitting than this. Miranda had been trying real hard for a while to set me up and had failed and Alex was a young, beautiful girl who was always up for adventure and I m sure must have had other casual sexual encounters, and Miranda must have a figured a away to get to Alex and set this whole thing up. Not that I doubted my capabilities in any way possible, it all just seemed a little too good to be all true by itself. There must have been some external forces at play here and the more I thought of it, the more I could feel myself convincing enough.
“There is no room for pity sex here Alex”, I blurted, I realized, out loud.
Alex didn’t look away from the television screen for a whole good minute. The room came to standstill. The air was suddenly thick with misunderstandings and miscommunication and my stupidity. Alex jerked the remote control towards her from under the sofa cushion, switched off the television and turned slowly towards me- facing me completely now, with her back towards the rest of the house. My only escape route was the kitchen but by then, I had already screwed up and there was no running from it now.
“I have it all figured out and you can leave if you want to. I don’t want it to be awkward for any of us- for you, me or Miranda and we can pretend like this never happened. I don’t know of a more subtle way to address this issue to a fine young lady like yourself and hence I believe it is best that you gather your belongings and we end this wonderful night here. Thank you for keeping me company but I can manage a life alone, I do not need anybody.”
For the first time since she had been in my house, Alex looked away from me and spoke. She rose gently, straightened out her hair with her fingers, picked up the beer bottles and the bowl of popcorn and dumped all of that on the kitchen counter, returned to where I was sitting, set the sofa how it had been a while back, with all its cushions not on the floor but on the sofa, went into my room and emerged a quick few minutes later- changed and in her own clothes. I hadn’t realized but I had moved away from everything and was standing in my balcony now, looking away into nothing, with my back to an evening i believed I had saved from going down the wrong path when Alex came and stood next to me. For a few seconds she said nothing and then, “I m sorry Henry if you think that this date was set up. That Miranda was involved in its happening somehow. That I was here not because I genuinely enjoy your company and believe you to be a decent guy I have met in a while but because I pity you. I m sorry that you got stood up on your last three blind dates and that it didn’t work out for you like for the others and that you think that Is why I agreed to spend the evening with you. And lastly, we weren’t going to have sex tonight. Not pity sex. Not first date sex. Not hot and steamy sex. Ending the night in bed had never been in my agenda-you must know that much. Thank you for the beer and the popcorn, I m leaving now- bye”, she said and left.
I heard the click of the door a second later and by then I was furious. How dare had Miranda set me up on a date like this? She had no right to interfere in my life, what I did in my free time, what kind of relationships I had or even if I had any. She was my sister, younger to me, and had had the audacity to plan to get me laid. What did she think of me? And didn’t she think at all that I could have found out? Did she not wait for a second to think how this would reflect on her? And her friend? Alex Kramer- why you, I thought to myself. I dialed Miranda’s phone number but it was engaged. I wanted to clear the air about this mess right there and then. I wanted to scream my lungs out at her and give her a good lesson for life. I wanted to make her promise me to never get nosy in my business, to never speak with me about girls, to never cross the line of siblinghood and basically just to leave me alone and stay out of my business. She took the call on my fifth attempt and spoke so nonchalantly for the first few minutes about the bad weather that for a second I thought I had been utterly wrong about the entire situation and should just slam the phone down and maybe slap myself a million times to think so little of her and Alex and for blowing the situation out of proportion. But then the conversation began to move towards Alex and my date and I seemed to identify a tone of mockery in her voice.
“So was your time well spent this evening? How do you feel -----“
“Miranda”, I interrupted, “you need to stop right there and then. Who the hell do you think you are, playing pimp and setting me up with girls like Alex Kramer? I obliged with you thrice on the subject of you setting me up on blind dates and when that didn’t seem to be working out you came up with this? I am disappointed and angry and feel completely stupid. I made a fool of myself today and that’s all thanks to you. Would you at least care to explain the reasons for your pathetic and belittling actions?”
“Excuse me”, she said, “What do you mean by all of that shit that you just blabbered without giving even a single word of yours a second thought? Me pimping girls for you? And what kind of friends do you think I have? And don’t you dare say a word against Alex. She is a great and wonderful friend and a better person than you ever will be in your lifetime. I had no hand in the two of you meeting up and she said yes to going out with you because she has had a crush on you since the first time she saw you, and that was when you had royally bitched about her and her birthday party without knowing the truth- exactly what you are doing now. You have made a fool of yourself now, for sure, and I am the one who should be rightfully angry and disappointed with you right now. Why would you even think like that? Do you doubt yourself as a human being so much or you think something’s wrong with just you and everybody else is flawless? Wake up Henry and stop this self-sabotage. Why do you scare away and question every woman that tries to come close to you? Nobody today decides to give away beautiful evenings like this to anybody unless they really want to relish in their company. And far as the sex thing is concerned- I know for a fact that Alex is still a virgin. Though that shouldn’t be any of your business, after your freak out incident it’s better that you know. She is not the kind who sleeps around just because she is young and hot and can easily get any guy in bed. Do not call me again because your apologies aren’t going to work for a long time now. Bye Henry!”
That was followed by a few curse words and a slam on the other side. It was longest anybody had held my attention, ranting non-stop about my shortcomings and my poor behaviour and was also right about it. I had screwed up big time and that was a major understatement. I didn’t know now why I had acted out like that- making bad of a perfectly normal evening and turning it into something so dirty and shameful for no reason at all. I was the one at fault here- completely and utterly. With no evidence, sane theory or solid proof but grossly misplaced confidence, I had declared Alex Kramer to be a woman of little character, my sister Miranda to be a pimp and myself a complete jackass.
The last thirty minutes of the evening felt like a blur now- everything had been going well and then suddenly my brain had kicked itself into over-analyzing mode. It over-thought every gesture and action and word that had belonged to Alex and also highly thought of myself as a failure, a guy who was successful and smart and earning well but who didn’t have the personality to charm and woo a woman and that the only reason any human being from the opposite sex would agree to spend time with him or sleep with him for that matter would be only because they were following somebody’s instructions or clearing up an old debt. And from there on it had been a downward spiral- my words making no sense but hurtful nonetheless. A patient and more sensible audience than I who had taken control of the situation, listened to my gibberish trash talk and not reacted how anybody else in their shoes would have- maybe in the least slapped me and called me horrible names or sue me for defamation. No efforts had been made by my rational thinking capacity to rethink my actions or words and I had went on and on, accusing and slandering a good friend, who I was sure would see me as her worst enemy. The evening had ended soon after that, but not without an apology from the wrongly accused, who should have actually been screaming and shouting and demanding an explanation for such crass behaviour.
Chapter Seven
It had been five months, thirteen days and twelve hours since my last daft, unexpected, unreasoned and embarrassing incident. Miranda had been serious about me consciously deleting her from my contacts list for a while and had refused to entertain me anyhow. I must have left a hundred messages on her answering machine but all in vain. Jade had gotten news of my shameful act from Miranda and though Miranda had been kind enough to not spill out every detail of that unfortunate evening, whatever she had told my sister had been enough to piss Jade off enough that she had refused to communicate with me too, for almost two months now. And far as far getting in touch with Alex was concerned, someone who I had offended the most, I did not have the balls to do it. Any amount of time seemed too little a cooling off period after my shenanigans. I could only imagine how embarrassed and angry and ashamed she must be. Merely wondering about her reaction made me feel so terrible and sad and scared that I dare not ever cross her path again. I was happy to be the asshole she had once encountered in her life early enough to draw the conclusion that all guys were baboons- with no brains and definitely no hearts. I was convinced that we would never cross paths in our lives again and even if we did, it wouldn’t be a problem because I was sure I was dead to her and might as well stay that way for her. I was sorry beyond comprehension and would have given anything away to just have her believe my heartfelt apology but I was certain that nothing that I could do or would do would be enough to change her perception about me as a guy and more importantly as a human being. Miranda’s words would circle back in my head at the oddest hours of the day and leave me torn from the inside. Miranda and Jade would eventually come around- they were family and knew that I had meant no true harm and had only being an honest fathead but I couldn’t conclude the same about Alex. She didn’t know me enough to even consider forgiving me, and also didn’t know that I had realized that it had all been in my head and that everything had been wrong from the very beginning of everything. She didn’t know how much my actions had tortured my soul day and night, how I had never felt so sorry for my doings than ever before and how that evening had made me view myself in a very different light altogether and how I hadn’t liked that part of me. Not speaking with Miranda and Jade was punishment enough, and their refusal to accept my apology and my failure to gather the strength to reach out to Alex and at least try and clear out the air between us was leaving me sick now. Everything made me sick these days. I didn’t want to be with myself or look at myself.
I hated myself so much, I was beginning to wonder if it would be soon that my sloppy attitude would start affecting my work. I had been assigned three new projects in the past ten months and all had had excellent turnovers, my senior associates were impressed by my dedication and I was told that I could be promoted again, soon. My success at the workplace was the only thing that kept me motivated and going. When I was working, I was working and there was nothing stopping me. Compartmentalization was helping me immensely now and I was glad I had mastered the art. Because when I was not engaged with my workplace, I was thinking about Alex and our evening and how much I had wanted to be with her and how I had messed it up beyond repair and how I longed for her to forgive me. I had turned into a robot- everything I did, felt or said was mechanical and with no emotion. My life was reduced to a recurring circle of activities that included eating, sleeping, working, working a little more, calling up and leaving messages for Miranda and Jade and trying to find that man in me that could correct his wrong doings. No one at my office had noticed any changes- the stubble I had grown that was turning into a fully fledged beard now, how I spent more and more time at my work station compared to the conference hall, from where I used to work out from before because of the astonishing view its glass window offered or how I no longer was around when cricket or tennis was discussed. Maybe no one really did bother about me and it had always been about work. As long as I was delivering and my company was getting work out of me for which it paid me- no one seemed to take any interest in my personal life. And although that’s something any employee could ever ask for, in my situation I felt left out and unimportant- like my emotional well being was assumed by all to be always at its best, like I could never suffer a heart break that could leave me in the shackles of my ex-lover and I would never want to kill myself or do anything stupid along similar lines. I was disappointed that people considered me to be so perfect because in reality, I wasn’t and their blind faith in me only left me woeful. It would have been easier to get past this episode if people had conveniently assumed me to be a nutjob- capable of destroying a perfect evening with the perfect girl in the most imperfect of ways.
Chapter Eight
My visits to the café abruptly came to an end one day when I found out from Kim, the café owner, that Alex had left the job suddenly, in a hurry and without a genuine reason- she had had after all, only another weeks’ of tenure left. I felt way too guilty after this revelation to visit my favourite place again and just like that Kim lost a beloved employee and a loyal customer. I had tried my best to avoid going to the café when I knew Alex’s working hours were on but it seemed now that that hadn’t been enough. I was more convinced now of her animosity towards me- and the more I thought about how the evening had ended; her reaction only came forward as more justified than ever. I began to wonder how my foolish act that one night had turned out to affect so many others, in such silly ways. After a considerable time spent on sulking and bitching (to myself, about myself) and recollecting the images of that horrid evening, I decided to end my charade of a rich but loony guy with no etiquettes or sense of social conduct and transform myself into the guy that everyone thought me to truly be- a true gentleman, an excellent son and a wonderful partner. It would be difficult to convince Jade, Miranda and especially Alex; who I was sure would never forget this incident in their lives and always regard me as the guy who can screw it all up in a split second.
Chapter Nine
It had been going on just like any other day, I thought to myself, when I chanced upon meeting Alex after a long time since our previous meet. But maybe it’s never that. Every day is indeed different from the rest and each has in store for us something different every time. Maybe it’s something that people just say because though familiarity brings with it a certain kind of monotony, the sense of security it offers is more precious than in knowing that your life could be turned upside down, for the worst, in a moment’s time.
My second promotion had come around after a year and a half of office gossip and I was therefore entitled by social protocol to throw a party for my very achievements, all by myself. The venue, the date and the time had all been picked out by Miranda and with some help from Jade, I had also been able to hand pick the perfect attire for this fancy, self-praising evening. Miranda and Jade had come around, as I had hoped and expected, just about two months before this big news had come knocking at my work station. I was now being given an office of my own, a fatter pay cheque and a hefty bonus, something I had decided to save and spend after a few years on my dream car. I was gladder about the fact that I had made up with the two most important women in my life, despite charging at their feministic views fallaciously, than my promotion, though I would have sulked big time if I hadn’t gotten it now. The two ladies had collaborated on their demand that my apology would be accepted formally and in all its terms and forms only if I was to give them complete liberty in planning my grand party and I had happily obliged. I didn’t even understand the need for a party- it seemed like a very self indulgent idea and I had rubbished their guesses about my colleagues expecting one from me until when a very obvious comment was passed about it in the conference hall after our meeting with the big guys. I had been quick to get the not-so-subtle hint and announced the next day about a grand party coming up at the end of the month. Time had been going well for me for a while now and I was making conscious efforts, now more than ever to not rethink of my Alex Kramer debacle.
The day of the party, where more than half the invitees were people I knew just by name and nothing more of them, Miranda had come over for breakfast early in the morning. Unexpectedly, the conversation took such a turn that we ended up reminiscing about our gold old days and from the good, bad can’t stay away and my most recent bad had been the debacle with Alex Kramer. Miranda was kind enough to realize that talking about her anyhow left me disgusted with myself and she killed the conversation before both of us had to relive through it in our heads. It’s funny how we fool ourselves into believing that if we turn ignorant towards something it ceases to exist but that isn’t the case, ever. A mere mention of her name was enough for it to manifest itself all over my head and heart and reel me back into the events of that evening. It had been a while but that didn’t matter it seemed to my heart because the incident was fresh in my head like it had happened just yesterday. I was distracted by the clattering of plates when I saw Miranda drop one down while trying to get the dishwasher working. I was glad for the beguilement and set my mind into cleaning the mess, from which Miranda had stepped away, not very discreetly.
Miranda declared that she had decided to stay the night and would leave the next day only after I took her out to brunch, as a thank you of sorts and I happily obliged. She sent me away to work soon after breakfast, asking me to give her enough space to set right the last minute details of the party that day. I left, with a slightly heavy heart, feeling as if we were missing something, despite all the arrangements, which were all perfect. Maybe it’s Alex, my head said to myself, but I rubbished that thought before it could do anything to me and set out on another routine day. Work was as usual, though office gossip let me know that expectations from my party in the evening were running high and that made me a little nervous. I ended up ringing Jade thrice throughout the day, checking up wither about confirmation of the venue, the menu and the guest list. By my third call she was agitated- she thought I didn’t consider her and Miranda to be competent enough to pull this off and it took me a good fifteen minutes to clear that doubt. I promised that I wouldn’t disturb her anymore, accepted her best wishes and waited for time to pass- hoping it would pass a little faster, just today.
Chapter Ten
People had started pouring in an hour ago, first just in ones and twos but now in larger numbers. How people had Miranda and Jade invited? It looked like they had kept the real guest list hidden from me and showed me a fake one just to get my approval. They had turned the happening of a small formal gathering into a Friday evening party, at the expense of my promotion, and my money. But I didn’t seem to care, even if that was the truth. My ex-boss was here too. I hadn’t expected to see him here but the two persistent women had managed to get this guy at the party too- it was a big deal because before this he had been seen only at one other social gathering that had sprouted out of office relations and that had been when his boss had passed away, unexpectedly, and he was in line to replace him. People didn’t like him very much, but I did. He was a good guy- a little like the ones who look scary but are just the opposite. I had spent the last half hour in his company, not wanting to talk to anyone else at my own party, partly because nobody seemed as interesting as him or as genuinely bored as I was. We had been talking about Central Bank policies on interest rates when Miranda interrupted the conversation, only to have me excused and dragged to meet another set of people who had just walked in- three guys from the tax department at the office who I vaguely remembered from some far off informal bonding session at the bar across the road from the office. I greeted them; they congratulated me and then went ahead, looking for the bar. I was left alone again. Miranda had invited a few of her friends too and was busy being the perfect host. I never knew she was such a people’s person- but then again, she didn’t know that I wasn’t. Lost in my own thoughts, I suddenly heard a voice so familiar and a presence so riveting that I didn’t believe it at first.
“Missing me, Henry?”
I froze. It couldn’t be. Miranda and Jade wouldn’t keep in the dark about this doing. More so, they knew how I felt about the whole thing and wouldn’t have considered inviting Alex Kramer to this party, out of all the people I knew on this planet. Not to be rude, I turned around, with a smile plastered on my face and ready with a witty comment in my head just in case it wouldn’t turn out to be Alex, only my mind playing games with me, to explain why I had taken a good ten minutes to respond.
But it was her. And I knew I wasn’t going to thaw anytime soon.
“Alex, it’s you. What a pleasant surprise? What are you doing here?” I was impressed that sane words had exited my mouth- nothing hurtful, sarcastic or stupid.
“Nothing much. Just serving champagne around to some snobbish colleagues of yours and getting paid a good amount for three hour of hard work. And congratulations on the promotion! I see you have been doing well- good for you. And please, get that schmuck look off your face. You look like you are gonna pass out. Breathe.”
I hadn’t paid attention to a word she had just said. What in the world was Alex doing with a catering job? And why had Miranda hired this catering company for the party? In this populous city, with a million people, and a little less than a million catering companies, how had my sister managed to pick the one that Alex was working for? But she wouldn’t have known, right? But what if she had? I knew both my sisters to be nosy- but not so much that they would devise a plan such that would leave me tongue-tied, sweating and wanting to die. Adrenaline rush, the whole flight or fight- I understood all of that now. I did not know what to do. To run away. To hide. To speak. To apologize. To pretend that nothing had ever happened. Or to just….
Chapter Eleven
I remembered a thud. A scream. Some people shouting out instructions. Some calling to arrange for an ambulance. Some gathered around me and blocking my line of vision. And some turning my fall into the next big office story, right away. I could see and also not. I could feel my head on something soft and a little cold but what I didn’t know. I could hear Miranda around me, someone in that crowd who cared for me, and so I knew I wasn’t going to die. But I hoped with all my heart that I would be long gone to have Alex go away too. It had all happened so fast- one second I had been standing in front of Alex and the next I had been down as if a giant bee had stung me and all had pretty much blacked out after that after a few seconds.
When I woke up, whenever and wherever it was, it didn’t smell good. It took my eyes a while to adjust to the hospital light and my nose to adjust to the smell of sterilization. My eyes had fired up instantaneously. It hadn’t been like in the movies where your eyes would flutter at first and then begin to open up slowly, until they were all there and you could see everybody and everything again. With me it had been different. One minute I was unconscious and the next I was on a hospital bed, passed out for I don’t know how long, wearing some stupid green coloured robe and then just suddenly waking up. I could see- that was there, but there was no one around. My bed was in line with three other patients and so I figured I was not placed in a private room. There was a nurse checking up on the patient in the extreme left of the room, an old lady at the waiting booth for patient’s family and nobody else. Where was Miranda? And was Jade here too? Had Miranda been smart enough to keep my parents out of it? And what about Alex? More than anything, I hoped that Miranda had managed to have her gone or Alex herself had been wise enough to leave. These questions were making my head go round and shooting up a pain at my temples. I was getting ready to get off the bed and get some decent clothes on when I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder that almost pushed me back into bed.
Alex. She was still here. She hadn’t been wise enough to have left before I regained consciousness. And she wasn’t just here, at the hospital. She was standing right at the foot of my bed, looking at me with those lovely eyes that looked a little red and puffy that moment. I concluded that I was hallucinating- that happened all the time to patients who were on high dosage of pain killers. I decided to break the silence in my head but not a word was uttered. My throat was dry and burning a little. The Alex of my hallucination was kind enough to help me sit up and pour me a glass of ice cold which I drank so quickly as if it were elixir. But then my hallucination decided to end itself and prove to me that I wasn’t one when Miranda walked into the room, with a relieved but tired face and lunged at me, hugging me real hard but also almost chocking me.
“Sorry Henry. Too tight, huh? But you are awake and alright! The doctor said who were just worked out and something suddenly sped up your heart rate so much that you fainted. What happened there at the party?”
I was sure now that this wasn’t a hallucination- if I was having one, with Alex in it, there would never be anyone else in it but just her and I. I felt stupid thinking all this in my head while Miranda and Alex were right there. Miranda not really caring much for my reply started discussing with Alex if she should send out an apology message to all the guests on my behalf. It seemed so trivial to care for something like that right now. I could have fallen down and cracked my skull open and died. Or maybe succumbed to a heart attack. Would Miranda have thought of sending out apology notes then to all present at the party? I knew I wasn’t well but that didn’t take away my right to get angry at someone. I wanted to. I was. I was trying so hard. But the constant pain in my head felt like it had been multiplying itself every second and I couldn’t think straight with it. Not even be angry at someone right.
“Could I get something to deal with this terrible headache here?”
I said that out so loud and so out of turn that even the one nurse present at the nurse’s booth too stopped filling a patient’s chart to look up and see who that had been. Miranda and Alex broke off mid conversation to heed to my demand.
“And don’t you think that instead of discussing whether I should be apologizing to my guests for almost dying today or not, they should be the ones sending me flowers and gifts and get well soon cards. Ever thought about that sister?” I was surprised I hadn’t just stopped at the previous comment and hoped that I had sounded just as sarcastic as I had wanted to.
“The doctor did say that the medicines would make him a little cranky. I wonder how he hasn’t noticed the gash on his right forearm.” It was Alex who had spoken now. And by the look on Miranda’s face that was of agreement, she definitely hadn’t spoken out of turn. “I’ll go and get the doctor to come examine you again. Maybe he’ll be able to suggest something better for the pain. I’ll be right back.” With that, Alex began to move towards the elevator and Miranda mouthed a soft thank you and a warm smile towards her.
“What the hell is wrong with you Miranda? What is Alex still doing here?”
The question had escaped into the open the second Alex had grown out of sight and hopefully out of hearing range. Miranda didn’t waste any time trying to calm me down and offer an explanation because my rather loud behaviour had begun to gather more than just a few glares.
“First off Henry, you need to calm down and breathe. That was one nasty fall and you hit your head to the ground kinda hard. Nothing serious- no serious damage, internal or otherwise but you cut yourself on those champagne glasses that you took down with yourself that Alex had on her tray. You collapsed, I panicked and she was the only familiar face there who knew both you and I. Her cousin is a doctor here- an attending and a real hottie. Anyhow, she arranged quickly for the ambulance, had you come here and get checked up close by her cousin himself. She even took care of the basic paperwork for me while I was handling you and the doctor and his questions. She has been of great help and I am glad she was there”, explained Alex, speaking real slow as if I had impaired my hearing abilities with my fall and raised her hand up to stop me from speaking when I was about to and continued. “And before you even dare to ask me that stupid question that’s been brewing in your head now for I don’t know how long- No, I didn’t know she was gonna be there and I am in no way responsible for her presence at your party. I was too busy with preparations to have pulled something off like this and you know that. And as far as I remember, who are the one who had been a dickhead to her in the past and you should be thankful that she acted maturely enough to put all that behind her and help you and me out anyway. When she gets back please smile and thank her. It’s too late for an apology now.”
That last part hit me like hell. It was as if I had fallen down all over again but this time only from the 100th floor of a skyrocket. The description of the accident made it sound brutal but the injuries didn’t quite say so. No damage of any kind but I was still a silly goose for no reason. And I was happy now that Alex had been there- not for me, but for Miranda. With Jade not being able to make it, I was glad that someone had been there to take care of someone who was busy taking care of me. For that, I would remain indebted to Alex forever, irrespective of the past or the nature of our relationship at any point in time. Alex returned about twenty minutes later, with a hottie indeed at her heel and I was glad that that guy wasn’t my competition but Alex’s cousin. He upped my dosage of painkillers a little, didn’t attempt to make small talk for which I liked him immediately and declared that I would be ready to leave by next morning. He wished me well, hugged Alex and bid her goodbye and exchanged numbers with Miranda quickly before leaving the three of us alone- again. Miranda gave me high five, tucked the doctor’s card in her back pocket and excused herself to go freshen up.
“I am glad you are okay Henry”, Alex spoke, being careful to not wake the patient in the next to mine from his slumber. She was considerate, I realized, and that came like second nature to her. It hurt me a little. She had decided to help me and Miranda out not because it was us, but because that’s what she did- she helped people. She would have been there- calling for an ambulance, handling the situation and helping even if it had been one of my guests who had fainted, even if she didn’t know him or her.
“Thank you for helping out Miranda, Alex. I owe you one. And thank you for helping me too. But then again, you would have offered your assistance to anyone there, wouldn’t you have?”
I didn’t realize I had voiced my stupid notion out loud until I had actually said it all. I saw her back stiffen and her lips curl into a straight line. She moved to get ready to leave. Her eyes weren’t puffy and red anymore, from the crying which I had assumed had been the reason behind them, but were red now with rage. She was angry. I had pissed her off- again. But before I had to face the wrath, Alex Kramer, Miranda got back. Alex realized it would be inappropriate to get back at me now, with Miranda around and me heavily sedated and Miranda unaware of our most recent belligerent conversation. She got off the chair, straightened out her clothes and hair, and declared her departure. Miranda decided to walk her out, thanking her again for all the help and eyeing me from the door, signaled me to thank her too but I couldn’t care less. I looked the other way, screamed a goodbye to Miranda and not Alex and decided to sleep off my second unplanned meet with Alex Kramer. I couldn’t take any more of it. None at all.
Chapter Twelve
The next that I woke up in the hospital was when I was to get ready to leave. I was pronounced healthy and fit to be let out into the wild again. With only a mild prescription for an almost non-existent headache, I took leave from the god awful place and returned to my sanctuary, my home. It had been cleaned up, I could tell that. Someone had picked up my suits from the dry-cleaner too and re-stocked the refrigerator with some good looking and real food. Miranda helped me move back in, which felt like the second time and I began to feel better soon. There were a few messages on the answering machine from a few concerned colleagues but I couldn’t care more. No one had come to visit me at the hospital or send cards or do anything. They had probably called because my boss must have told them too. Miranda, however, called them back and thanked them for the comforting messages and informed them that I would be making it back to the office only next week, and for that I was glad. I wasn’t a workaholic by definition but with not much to do otherwise I never took leave voluntarily from work and therefore I was always surrounded with files and phone calls and meetings and scheduling and the likes. This fall on the ground couldn’t have come at a better time- I had just been promoted and was on leave already. A good, uncalled for break before it was to get more hectic and demanding at work. I wouldn’t have taken some time off to celebrate or brace myself for it anyway and in my mind I wrote a tiny, very tiny thank you note for the controversial Alex Kramer.
“Henry, how is your head now? Are you okay? How did it go with Alex down there? Is it that that’s troubling you? You thinking about her again? Where is your head at brother? Henry, you listening to me?”
It was Miranda. She had been talking but I hadn’t been paying attention.
“Yes, I’m okay. Sorry, I just zoned out a little. Don’t worry about me. And thank you so much for everything. I don’t know how I would survive this place without you Miranda. You are great, you know that?” I said, hoping that would make her stop asking me questions I didn’t want to answer.
“If you say so. Anyway, everything is in order here so you should be okay by yourself. I am going to leave now. Call me if you need anything but try not to call me.”
Miranda winked at that last remark, picked up her stuff, gave me a tight hug, set the curtains right so that the morning light wont trouble me, double checked on my knowledge of my own medicine schedule and walked out the door. I was alone, in my house, just how I liked it. No more thinking of Alex I thought and decided to make a list of things I wanted to do in my week off. I was glad I hadn’t fractured my foot or leg, because that would have restricted my movement and I would have had to live with Miranda for more than a week then. And with all that time on our hands and nothing much to do, Miranda would have dragged me into a conversation about Alex and why she was at the party and what happened and what not and why and why not. I was happy I didn’t have to face all that.
I walked into the kitchen feeling a little hungry, stuck my to-do list for the week on the refrigerator door and warmed up some macaroni and cheese for myself. While that was happening, I took a round around my apartment like I hadn’t lived there in ages and felt weirdly at peace. This was my safe haven. I had been away for just three days but it felt more like three years. I had been away, for longer periods of time, for work, but I hadn’t felt this way before. I concluded it was different this time because of where I had been at when I hadn’t been home and the reason for it. I used to be away at five star hotels, sleeping in beds more comfortable than I could afford with my salary and working late hours making money for my firm because it kept me busy and made me tired and didn’t give me any time to think about anything else, the anything being Alex. But this time I had been in a hospital, injured and almost dead, because of Alex.
I heard the microwave tell me my dinner was ready and decided to change into something more comfortable before I was to eat my favourite thing for dinner and watch some TV and just relax. I absent-mindedly reached for my old worn off jersey when something fell off from its fold. It was a note. From Alex.
Hello Henry.
By the time you get around to reading this note I m sure you would be feeling a lot better than before. I didn’t get a chance to apologize to you for just showing up upfront at your party and creating all this chaos. I should have just minded my own business and kept away but I couldn’t and I don’t know why. I had just wanted to say hi and ask if you were interested in getting together for some coffee and chit chat with me some evening, some day but it all went down wrong. Or well, you went down, falling, and that was all wrong!
Miranda was real busy taking care of you and so I offered to get to the apartment before you two and clean up a little- I hope that is okay with you. Not that it matters. I mean I have cleaned up already and didn’t ask for your permission before doing it so like it or not-It’s been done. I had a weird feeling that you would pick this jersey to change into and hence the note, here.
Without rambling any further, I will tell you why I wrote you something. You asked me at the hospital if I would have waited to help out if it had been any one else that had fainted at your party and the answer is yes. That’s the kind of person I am, I wish to be. I like to help people, I choose to. And my choice doesn’t change with the people who are in need of my help. If this makes you feel any less special, then I am sorry but I help others not to make them feel better but to make myself feel better- that I am worth something to this world. But if you must know, if it had been anybody else, I wouldn’t have stayed back at the hospital for them, with them. I wouldn’t have offered to clean up their apartment before them getting back from the hospital. I wouldn’t have asked my cousin to especially take care of them, irrespective of the fact that he is a cardiac surgeon- very busy and someone who I don’t get along with very well. I wouldn’t have done any of this if it had been anybody else. But it was you and I m glad you did not die (though you wouldn’t have any way).
I want to be a good person. And the most difficult thing there is, is not the being good part, but being good all the time. It gets difficult. People annoy you, don’t understand you, question your intentions and don’t trust you being good for no ulterior motive. But you need to overcome that, because we are constantly moving ahead, meeting new people and touching their lives and turning them around in all possible ways. I cannot give up being good now because of the few who don’t believe it for all those who I haven’t even met and need to be good for later.
I hope you understand what I am trying to put across here.
Love,
Alex Kramer.
I put down the note only after having read it may be the millionth time. And by then I had every word on it memorized. I couldn’t believe it. This woman was magnificent- too good to be true. I knew what I had to do this week. I had to meet her. Find her and talk to her. Make amends. Clear the air between us. Set everything straight.
I knew now why I hadn’t been able to get her out of my head after all this time- it wasn’t the guilt or the short-term misplaced anger- it had been something else this entire time. It had been something I had fleetingly heard people talk about in books, on the train, at my office, in the movies. It had been something I wasn’t sure that it existed in this world. It had been something I always felt I wouldn’t get into. It was something I had the same notions about like every other non-believer. It had been persistent. It had consumed so much of me, even after all this time. It had been love. It had been love?
Chapter Thirteen
The changing weather had taken a toll on me. The hot and the cold, the sharp sun one second and then a chilly breeze had confused my system completely into accommodating to a particular weather and hence here I was, eager for a steaming cup of hot espresso, which had kept me waiting in line for about fifteen minutes now. A new café had opened up just round the corner from my office and a colleague had recommended that I try it out since I largely survived on coffee at the office- not really eating much, just drinking. He had been so boastful of his not so special discovery of a nearby café that I had given in and promised him that my next coffee would be from there and I would definitely get back to him on how I liked it, or in his words, how I was sure to love it. I was thankful for having grabbed a copy of today’s newspaper from the office’s news stand on my way out but there was nothing of my interest in it. I was on the last page of the newspaper, after a quick browse, not having realized I had read the ‘Thought for the Day’ column out loud when I heard it.
“Mother Teresa. Isn’t it?” someone said, almost as if replying to an unasked question.
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway”.
The entire coffee shop had been dead silent for the mere few minutes it had taken for the girl at the cash counter to repeat what I had just blurted out load, but with more belief and conviction. I hadn’t been able to see who it was, the people in front me in the queue hadn’t budged, but the sound of the voice had told me that it was a girl. I just screamed out a yes to her question if those had been the words of the great Mother Teresa and said no more. The café returned to its usual hullaballoo and I put the newspaper away quickly. The line began to move ahead faster than before and it was finally my turn to place my order and satiate my body’s growing demand for some caffeine. I placed the order without having to look at any menu or ask for any recommendations and searched for some change to pay for my espresso. The old lady behind me dropped some change that I bend down to pick when I felt a tap on my shoulder that felt familiar for some reason. I turned around first to the old lady to hand over her money and then channeled my attention to the pat. To my utter surprise, it was Alex. It took me a second to register her face and place her correctly in my memories- which mostly consisted of me being a jerk and her walking away. It had been a while, like it had the last time we had bumped into each other at my party but I fared better this time. No racing heart beat, no sweaty palms and the best of all, no crashing down on the ground. I had improved, I was glad.
“Alex, it’s you. Wow! We have got to stop meeting like this”, I said, putting my best foot forward.
“Hi, Henry. It’s good to see you too. Let’s take this outside”, she replied, holding me by the arm, handing me my hot cup of coffee and almost dragging me out of the café. I hadn’t seen her around in the café, where had she come out from. Maybe she had super powers, my mind replied to my stupid question and I immediately chided it.
“That was you, wasn’t it? Who just a minute back recited the great Mother Teresa’s golden words. I should have guessed. I would have maybe if I had known you were in there.” Seriously? I was trying to figure out still if she had been there all this while or not. I could certify myself as an idiot now, I was sure.
“Yes, that was me. Don’t worry, I aren’t the stalking type. I own the café actually. I was in my office at the far end on the other side through the kitchen. I was just walking out to refill my mug when I heard some guy absent mindedly read out some beautiful words, but with no emotion. I had to do what I did. That is one hell of a ‘Thought of the Day, isn’t it?”
She owned the café. It was her café. That was a true, one hundred percent unexpected. The last time she was employed, she had been waiting tables and serving champagne, and now she owned a café? That too just around the corner from my office. Here, in the heart of the city. Along this busy, bustling street. Where she got so much money from, I wondered, diverting my attention to such irrelevant details.
“That is some news Alex. Congratulations! A colleague recommended the place and I thought I’d come and check it out. I am glad I did. How have you been?”
“Thank you. And say a thank you to this colleague of yours’ too. Word of mouth is the best thing I could ask for this place right now, especially since it has been only a while since we opened up. I have been great, as usual. At least up until now. Depends on what plans you have got this time to ruin my day”, she exclaimed, switching her tone from genuine gratitude to that of a cold, mean bitch. Her smile hadn’t wiped off her face, it had wiped off of mine. Her eyes where the ones screaming curses. So accusatory, so bold.
Before I could get myself together and say something, she decided to end our chance rendezvous.
“You can leave now Henry. The coffee is on me.”
She helped a dog walker into the café, greeted an old man sitting by the window on her way in and disappeared somewhere behind the counter, back inside the café, leaving me standing alone on the sidewalk, with a newspaper in one hand, stale coffee in the other and a stupefied look on my face. People continued to make their way around me but I didn’t move an inch. I just stood there, staring into the café, waiting for Alex to walk out of the place any second now and say it had all been a prank. A misunderstanding of some sorts. That she hadn’t planned to be so evil and insensitive. But nothing of that sort happened. For a good fifteen minutes I stood out there. But nothing. No dramatic walk out. No apology. No joke made about that harsh comment or a plea to forget it altogether. Filled suddenly with so much anger and pride, I dumped the coffee into the bin on the side of the road, along with the newspaper, and stormed off. No look back at the café. Neither pain nor misery in my eyes. Only this gut-wrenching dislike.
Who was she to talk to me like that and ruin my day? I had been only the most pleasant and warm gentleman and she had turned out to be a complete bitch. So cold and calculative- a smile on her face but malice dripping off her words. Alright, our last meeting hadn’t turned to be all honky dory but that had given her no right to act out this way and completely ambush me. My apologies for my earlier faulty behaviour had been lacking, I agree, but she hadn’t given me a chance to get around that topic of discussion and sincerely apologize to her for our last fall out. She had garnered assumptions about the kind of man I was and I didn’t appreciate that at all. She was right to be angry and hurt, I gave her that, but to walk over someone’s attempt to make things right was just wrong. She had spoken of kindness and forgiveness so convincingly back at the café that it had blinded me into believing that she was one of those few who practiced what they preached. Clearly, she did not. And I knew that now.
I walked back to my cabin, making no eye contact on the way in and threw a disgusting look at the colleague whose idea it had been in the first place for me to visit the café that had led to all of this. I packed up my stuff, informed Camilla I was taking the rest of the day off and was out of the office and into a cab within twenty minutes. I was furious. Raging anger had never been my cup of tea but that had changed now. And all thanks to Alex. The great Alex Kramer.
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a fault/failure to meet a certain standard, typically in a person's character, a plan, or a system.
219970 Launches
Part of the Mystery collection
Updated on April 25, 2019
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