Born a coward, still one?

I just feel like crying. Crying, crying, crying. I feel like nobody I share my thoughts with understands me completely. I don’t blame them. Everybody can literally see from their own point of view. And I know it is wrong for me to say “nobody understands me” “if only people could do this!” or “nobody is nice to me”… I know it is not true and unfair. But it’s also a feeling that I get sometimes. It would be so nice to just be able to share these things and not bottle it up and then get acne / White hair / whatever else there is on my body. I started to do that already, I did share with my best friend once and she gave me good advices. But now it’s 1 in the morning and I don’t feel like sleeping, I’m hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I don’t even feel like moving. I feel like freezing time. I feel like turning back to some happy place or maybe forward… I don’t know. All I know is that I feel sad and for more or less unfair and selfish reasons, but I’m sad. And even though I have ways to get through it, I don’t know, I just don’t do it.

I mean I’m still way stronger than last time I was in this situation. Nevertheless, what’s coming tomorrow has a weight. And tonight, ugh tonight is like life joking on me. The moment I decide to be happy life says “bring it on!”. I mean I’m strong but I still have feelings and I’m not untouchable. Life throws things to me and I survive, but not without damage.

What my mind automatically says as I write these lines is that I shouldn’t be sad for such basic things. My mom’s words “you’re the only suffering from this. We don’t care about it but you make a deal out of it”. And also the unending cliché “there is worse”.

Ugh. I have no conclusion or point in this, if I had one, I don’t think I would be writing it…

UPDATE

It's 02:40 am. I just couldn't sleep thinking what ı could say tomorrow. So I went and I said something. I don't know if it went as I wanted. I don't know if it wil change something. And more importantly, ı don't know if it will change how I feel. Right now, I feel shaky. Maybe it's the coffee that I drank a few  hours ago. Maybe it's the adrenaline. I don't know what it is but my brain just won't shut down.