Brutally honest.

I was there standing at the door and staring into the oblivion. I kept thinking... Is this my true self? This obsession of mine to be brutally honest is eating me up. Something inside of me was screaming for help. In a while numbness got spread.
I could feel warmth in my palms from the mug of coffee that I was holding but I didn't feel warmth in my chest. I didn't feel human. My eyes had no hope in them.
I want to fall in love truly but when I had the chance to.... I asked myself if the love was true because I wanted to be honest. I wanted to love for the right reasons. I never realized that there is never a right or wrong reason to fall in love or for that matter doing anything.
I took one more sip hoping the warmth from the coffee would somehow reach my chest
But it wouldn't. I forgot how to feel from the day I shut myself from my feelings. I judged them to be wrong and denied their existence in the name of honesty.
I said to myself ' I don't love him. It is just a fling. It will go someday. I shouldn't feel this way because it isn't true'. I shouldn't have conditioned myself to the point where I totally forgot how I feel. I was still there leaning to the door and staring into the oblivion not bothering about the beauty that surrounds me. Didn't look at the droplets dripping from the leaves. Didn't look at the dark clouds that let it's burden fall down. Didn't look at the water that would run down the street. Nothing caught my soul except the obsession of being brutally honest.