Complexions

It's sad because of a lot of things
That probably have a lot to do with me
I know, I keep messing it up always
But when I try harder it isn't what I meant it to be

I keep thinking I've risen above it all
But when I'm down, I feel like I'm back at day one
Each time I feel like I've found a better way
When the time comes, it's all hazy because I'm far gone

I know you don't want me to be this way
And I try- I really do try every time, and still get lost
But can you understand: I'm in a box of my demons
Where only temporary distractions, not solutions help my cause

I have this anger- this burning hatred inside me
And every time they say something, it gets triggered
And I know how monstrous I look, because I'm trapped in
And watching but a part doesn't want it all figured

I keep explaining things to myself: how immature, how stupid
Sometimes I feel like I'm so fake and stupid, it feels like a crime
But when I'm gone, I know the truth but I'm in my high
So all I gather is that my sometimes gradually become every time

For all my hangovers, through all my headaches I know things
I know that I have ego, have attitude, have arrogance, can't decide
But every fucking time you hit nearer to my heart
I feel like I'm wearing those traits with more and more pride

I need a hug sometimes, I want to cry, I feel like I'm split
Between two personalities where I love both but regret one
I blame them for aggravating when I just need them to stop
I know I'm the one at fault, I know that these mistakes I can't outrun

I try, I try so hard, too hard to do something better
I hurt my head, yet I try to find solutions, keep stressing over details
I know that when I stop I'll forget and maybe that's better
But what if I go back to what I hate, will it leave tainted trails?

When I'm down, and on my high I know it gets better
I know that even though the world shatters, becomes shit
I have the power of positivity, the power of strength and maturity
I keep weighing over the negative, keep hiding it but never solving it

I want to tell someone the problems that I'm going through
Not every time I pick up the phone I always think too much to hide
I wonder if they think my problems are worth it
Because sometimes, you want them to understand, so I push it inside

At times, I get so hyped up because I believe that I have emerged
Victorious: I believe that triumph has finally showered
But then when put to test I wonder how I seem to fit in
Everywhere but where it matters the most- I can't win over

When you push me down, I let out that animal inside me
I'm sad but I'm victorious and not the kind I need
I hurt so bad, need to make you feel so hard that it aches
In all the times I'm too far gone- I feel like I'm the lead

I'm torn- because I know it all- I know everything
I know of my complexions, I know where I always lack
But that stupid anger always gets in the way of my thoughts
And then all I want is to make them suffer and hurt them back

I'm standing in dangerous territory, and I have to dare to linger
Mostly, all I'm torn between I what I know and what I need
I have the knowledge of letting it go so it's all calm again
But when I need to shout my point across- who pays that heed?

I'm a complex mess of this and that and I love my OCD's
But I realize it's always my way of escaping, of pretence
Even though I know it all, I still am stuck inside and waiting
It frustrates me, drives me mad- this universal adolescence

Shout-out to all my followers! You guys mean so much to me because once I'd dreamed of getting even 2. Now I have 826!!!! It's crazy! I love you guys!

This poem was not meant to rhyme. Originally I wanted to make it more free style because sometimes I feel our emotions are captured best when we just let the words flow instead of focussing on anything else because the others will get the rhythm if they understand. But I have a compulsion of staying always on beat and rhyming words. So I had to rhyme this because I also feel that capturing emotions is easy but synthesizing it beautifully is special. I'm sorry if it's not on beat.

But hey, at least it rhymes now.

Basically this is a rough poem- where everything is raw and unchecked and that is the emotions I've been experiencing some down kind of moments lately and I had to write this down while I was experiencing it. I usually avoid mixing personal emotion with my work because it unnerves me but this time I just had to. So, this is an at the moment poem and I certainly hope it helped me more thanthe product I now see it as.

I have finished my rant.

©AkshayaGadre