As the name is disgusting it's meaning is more hideous. I know it very well cause I suffered from this pain and disgust. I am Sapna,as my name I love to dream. When I was child I used to think that everything around us is so beautiful nothing is ugly,everyone is good no one is bad,every feeling is pure and devine no any feeling is corrup or polluted. As I grew up I continue to think world like that,people like that and feelings like that.
When I was 13 yes first year of my teenage :) I was so happy I thought that like my sisters told me about teenage flings and crush I would have one too. I would have crush on some randon guy of my class or some senior.Adernaline rush would make me to do different kind of wrong things which might feel right at that time. I was so excited on my 13th birthday so so so much but my class's girls they already have some crush why I didn't have yet may be God wanted it to be on correct time.I thought that and with my all excitement I started to celebrate my birthday again yeahhhhh. My mom made different dishes,my father brought some really special gifts for my doll house and fairy tales etc etc girl's stuff. I wonder why didn't he bring for me comics I love comics or G.I joe figures 13 year old myself didn't get this judgemental thing you are girl so it's mandatory for you to like dolls and you are guy go play with some rough and tough stuff .
Happy Birthday to you,happy birthday dear Sapna Happy birthday to you,yeah I am 14 now nothing has changed I didn't have crush yet I didn't feel anything for any guy not my classmates not my seniors not any male teacher,all my girlfriends teased me cause I didn't have bf but I lied to them that i have crush on my classmate Ravi but I didn't have. But there was something strange thing happening with 14 year old of me I was feeling something but not for Ravi for for my bestie Shreya,she was so beautiful just like some mermaid,her straight hair,her eyes those black shiney eyes,her pink soft lips,everything about her attracted me towards her but I was not suppose to like some girl right I thought may be I was spending more time with her that's why all that was happening,so I distant myself from her but after that too voice of her echoed in my ears,in my dreams I just wanted to kiss those soft pink lips. What's wrong with me was all 14 years me was thinking.This guilt of being weird,feeling weird was killing me and so I became a loner,no friends neither girl nor boy.Everyone used to call me abnormal cause I never party with them,never went on GUY,I used to think too I was abnormal and there was no one with whom I can talk. I tried to talk with my cousin she made fun of me and threatened me that she will tell this to my parents so I convinced her that I was joking.
I went to Mumbai for my college yeah away from my hometown Rewa actually very far away,new life may be new me. I wanted to start my life all over again.I went to my class sat on my seat and try to act normal,but suddenly someone came her skin was like sun had kissed her now so bright,her hair was messy but it was looking beautiful on her . Yeah her lips she was chewing chewing gum may be her lips were of that flavour too,she was wearing black mini skirt and grey top she was looking stunning and sexy and cute and what not. Omg omg she sat beside me my heart was thumping I didn't know what that feeling was but I was feeling complete. She introduced herself I didn't listen much as I was busy noticing her big brown eyes where I just wanted to draw . She told her name Aparna I hesitantly told her my name Sapna,she smiled and said ooooooooooo you can be my Sapna too. O yeah she was witty too. I came back to my room with that feeling,my phone rang it was my mom she was worried we talked for a while then I have that abnormal feeling again on my mind. I opened my brand new lap and started to use my hostel's internet,searched on google "What is this mean when girl have feeling for girl" so many links so many blog,some said lesbian some said unnatural,which was true I didn't know. I opened some random link and it said that it's all normal,I clicked another link which said it's a psychological disoder so now I am a psycho for some. I closed my lap and closed my eyes for sometime I saw her face and everything was just fine.After some days of friendship I get to know that she is also like me yep lesbian,psycho,abnormal,unnatural anything you can call it but I knew what it was,it was love.I wanted to tell my family about this but how I didn't know,so on Navratri I took her to my home and yes I wanted her to meet my family and I wanted my family to love her.She can make anyone crazy she was so beautiful and so full of life.She made me courageous the loner gal courageous who just come away from her home.It was saptami on that day I told my mom about me and Aparna,she didn't say anything just left that place without uttering a word,I thought she needed sometime so didn't talk about it that day again to her.
The very next morning which was Ashtami means eighth day of Navratri. I woke up with smoke all around my room,incense smell I wanted oxygen and I was only getting smoke and incense smell to my lungs I was continue asking everyone what's happening nobody replied.I can't move my body cause I was tied to my bed,I thought some goons entered to my house but no it was worse than that it was my family my mom my dad my cousins my uncle and aunt surrounded me. I asked my mom What's wrong? She replied: everything will be okay,something bad had happened to you,I asked her what did she mean she said nothing again,and this time I got scared they left room except my two 20 and 21 years old cousins. I grew up with them I played with them,I tied them rakhi on every Rakshabandhan. I asked them to untie me but they said nothing.They started to undress themself I was shouting,I was stunned,both of my brothers were naked infront of me and asking each other to start it first.I begged both them to let me go,but they said I ashamed their family by having relationship with a girl,and all my family want to correct me.I begged them I reminded them that how we used to play,I was their sister. Someone shouted from outside "Any problem,do it fast,I want my daughter to be alright" it was my father's voice,yes my father who always protected me now wanted me to be corrected by let me raped by my own brother.Sumit 21 year old started first with me kissing me on my lips he was not kissing me eating me and then Rakesh jumped on me they made tore my clothes off,scratching my body I was shouting telling them bhaiya it's hurting please let me go bhaiya,dad please tell them to stop,but no one helped me not my mother not my father cause they wanted me to be corrected by a RAPE.Ones they were done they left get dressed untie me and left as nothing had happened. I didn't get dressed cause I it was not my nude body which was making me ashamed it was my family. i didn't move I was not feeling any pain on my body but my heart was scared for life. My mom entered she was crying I didn't say anything. I gathered myself dress myself asked and without any shame I asked about Aparna.She slapped me I didn't feel anything and said you still asking for her who did this to you and I replied it was not her it was you. I asked her again about Aparna she didn't say anything. I threatened her about killing myself she told me she is in another room. With all my left strength I ran towards her room her breathless body was lying there I called her name again and again but she didn't even look at me I wanted to look into her full of life eyes but it was lifeless as lifeless as her body. My father came and ask my so called brothers to bury her I opposed and I was again slapped. I collected myself and collected all my courage the courage which was given me by Aparana I said him he is not my father anymore that my father was died when he let those monsters raped me in the name of correction,I told him I can't be corrected and it's not a disease.He had blood red eyes with anger and with that anger he tried to slap me ones again but stopped him. I went to my room and took Aparna with me and nobody protested I told them i want sometime with her alone nobody said anything. I went to my room I made her dead body lie on my bed and called police. Police came and took them . My father was looking me as I was disgrace on my family but I want to tell him and my family that they are disgrace on all human race.I don't know about my family all I know is I am not a disease to be cured. They couldn't correct me by this CORRECTIVE RAPE my love for Aparna is still fresh and alive it can't die or mend.Aparna made me this much confident that now I make my surroundings beautiful like her like her beautiful eyes. She is and will always be with me :) :)