Deja Vu

I had already conjured up an image of love in my head. Even before I met Clark, I knew that Love was to become my first dance tonight at the Graduation Ball. Unfortunately, four years could change in ways one wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Two years in and I still couldn’t decide what exactly was happening between us, and when the time finally came in junior year, what I thought I felt... wasn’t.

What did I know about love? Nothing. What would I lose if it was just another crush? Not one single thing. When I took a wild guess and called it the latter, it pained me. Some would say “If it isn’t hurting you, it isn’t love.” But then, regret is regret and love is a different thing. Or maybe I loved him but didn’t want to accept it.

Despite thinking practically, I still missed him every day and wondered what we would be like at the Graduation Ball as a couple.

My wondering had caused me grave anxiety and I ended up waking in the morning crying. I had dreamt something I couldn’t remember but still felt it deeply. How I loved emotions –they could destroy a person forever.

The High School campus was filling up with students in dresses and tuxedos. Colors of deep orange and blue scattered up in the sky outside my father’s SUV. I suddenly felt something in my stomach that made me want to tell dad to drive me back home, but the car was immediately blocked by a 6 feet male.

Rommel was my partner tonight. He'd given me a rose and an apology on Valentine’s Day saying that Clark was going to be my escort. However, there were problems with the blocking so they had to rearrange the set up. I couldn’t blame him for ruining my dreams, our adviser had done that job.

Somehow I’d managed to be mentally absent the whole time because someone had tapped my shoulder. Turning around, the boy I let slip away smiled at me. “Can I have this dance?”

The Synchronized dance was over, and here we were. “Of course.”

I slowly wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he held me by the waist. My eyes remained on our feet so I wouldn’t accidentally step on his and ruin the moment. I didn't know where Rommel went after that.

“I need to ask you something.”

I guess he saw me nod because he continued, “Do you still have feelings for me?”

I see my sophomore self, talking to my best friend Emily about wanting my first love to be my first kiss. It seems just right because it feels real. Before I knew it, the Graduation Ball is coming up and we’re practicing, as if it’d been years since I said it to Em. Then, I look up at the ceiling of the school gym we’re rehearsing in and I see a giant disco ball. I start to ask myself why things are happening so fast. One second I’m a sophomore, and the next I’m at the dance. The lights circulate, in synch with the soft background music. Someone holds me by the chin and my gaze turns to the person’s face. Clark’s seeing into my soul.

Inside my stomach, fluttering starts to occur as he asks me the question I dreaded to hear.

“Yes.” I answer truthfully as I look into his eyes. He’s speaking, a sorry expression on his perfect facial features. Pain gnaws my heart, because despite the fact that I can’t hear him, I felt that this special feeling is one-sided.

I feel tears brimming, and they start to fall.

The dream I'd forgotten came back to my memories in the form of waves flooding. There might have been differences, but I knew that he said the same things. I felt it strongly. I didn't need to hear his words.

“As a friend who cares, yes. Nothing more than that.” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. This was what made me wake up crying today, and it wouldn’t happen again.

That night at the ball, déjà vu saved my fall.