It's happening. The nightmare's finally coming true.
I glanced at my screen, it read 3:21 A.M. Three days to go to next Monday, three days to go to the last hearing of mom dad's divorce. The divorce was agreed from both the side, ofcourse, the hearing's for the division of wealth. I tried to tell Matt about it, mom forced me to, but I think he couldn't pick up my hints. I need to talk to him. Very clearly this time. I crawled to the other side of the bed to see his face. He slept so peacefully, calming my own heart rate down. There's so much life make us suffer, all in a different way, but all sufferings are somehow the same. Ash's like 'oh, I'm all fine and well, Don't worry' since Annie's funeral, I already miss her so much. It's like this empty sapce she left in us to fill, but forgot to mention with what. I know he's not fine. Neither am I, but we do what we gotta do, go about in circles of overthinking, over-feeling (if that's a word) assuming it's just us who can understand, we know we can share the grief, we know we can take it all out, no matter whether the person understands or not, but we don't, 'cause we are made like that, we are who we are and that's irreversible. I plugged my earphones in and pulled on MGK's playlist. They've been my all time companion. Something about his raps makes me feel connected. Like, he's probably the only person being straight forward and not playing diplomacy.
...Ay/ Complicated/ Frustrated
Underestimated
Can't sleep, mind racing
Hard to stay concentrated...
I thought of a way to keep both mom dad together for Matt. Now, I might sound totally insane in Capital letters, but I read about this real weird, okay bad Choice of words, not wierd but strange but true phenomenon. It goes like, Shared grief is that one thing that can both put crack and fill them up, in a relationship. And the reason why I think it is true because I've experienced it. Look at me and Ash, it might not be the case he always show me the feelings he feel but he knows if he needs to then I'm right here, eleven Steps away. And vice versa. We've both shared a loss and hence we connect better than ever before. Colson Baker continued to sing.
...So out of place with these fake people in my face
I cannot relate, yeah
Sometimes I feel
Like I create, and they just take everything I make
Turn around and then hate
Maybe I was living off expectations....
So, if mom dad too have that shared grief, they might be together again, for Matt. I need to make them realise that their kids need both of them. You always what a thing's worth is when you lose it. If they lose me, they won't take that risk with him. They's know their money can't buy us family picnics we long for, their money can't buy us our parents' attention. If they lose me, they'll have a shared grief, because all things apart, I know, deep down they love me, they just don't care to show it. Losing me will give them their shared grief. A sadness that only they can understand each other. A sadness that'll buy Matt his parents. A sadness that'll buy me my escape. For once and for all and for that, they have to lose me. I have to lose myself, not that it's damn difficult for me since I'm not really a fan of myself. Just a dork sticking her ED to everyone and making them worse.
Colson continues...
...Save me from these day dreams about it
Under full moons, night swims, and tattoos....
I cannot stand these fucking rules
I been sailing too long in cold water
Restrain me from these pills and more doctors
And erase me from this page and start over...
For them to start over, I gotta erase myself from here. Don't judge me, you don't deserve to. I concentrated on the song again.
...We are who we are so don't judge me
Just 'cause it's hard to smile
Read between thin white lines
See what's in my mind.....
....You said goodbye when I was trying to say
”Something ain't right inside of me”
I wanna run away, yeah
I don't wanna stay here....
So, yeah, that's it. That's my theory and for Fuck's sake it has to work.
TO BE CONTINUED...