"Ash, I'll be always here whenever you need. I know it's a tough time for you but that's the way it is, you'll have to live with it."
It's been two weeks since mom's funeral. Aunt Lindsey has two children and a husband to look after. So, she's leaving. I think I'll be fine now. I have to be.
I was just going to call Ivy when my cell rang.
"Hey, how-"
"Can you come over please?"
"are you crying?"
"Yeah, please fast"
"Hold on, on my way"
She literally scared the Shit out of me. I was in my shorts and undershirt and I went just like that only to find her room full of ballons and she was grinning ear to ear when I came in.
"Damn it, what's all this?"
"Umm...a late birthday celebration, maybe."
"Yeah, 'cause that was something I was literally dying for right? You scared the Shit out of me! Don't do that ever again in future"
She totally ignored all that I said so perfectly and cleared her study table off the paperwork and books.
"I baked something, not a cake but close to a cake."
She took it out from her cupboard. God, this girl is really really...I don't know, I'm at a vocabulary Crisis right now.
"Ash, could you just hold this...oops."
I had coke all over me.
"Why did you take the lid off before you could get settled Ivy? I've never seen a person as clumsy as you"
"why are you so irate today? Wait, I'll give a shirt-
I was about to object but she cut me off
"Not mine, I know that, I'll steal one from dad. He's already packing up"
She came back with a grey T-shirt almost my size and I don't know what struck Ivy at her head that day that she acted..I don't know...remember my vocabulary crisis?
"Turn around. I wanna change"
"Are you really that shy?"
"How does it connect? Just turn around?"
"Nope. I would really want to see you shirtless before I...-
I arched an eyebrow at her to continue.
"Before I probably propose you 'cause as I see it's not coming from you in any distant future"
I let out a deep sigh indicating how disgusting that joke was and turned around to her bathroom. When I stare into the mirror, I'm still the same Ashton Cox I used to be. Same messed up hair, same moss green eyes and same everything but deep inside I know mom's death has affected me to an extent I probably can never understand. I changed my shirt and ran my fingers through my hair pulling them back in a little pony. Maybe I need to cut them so I look a bit different. I want to look a bit different because I'm different now. Last time the thing that changed me was when Dave killed himself on that bridge. It's been a long time since then, how did I never got bored of myself till now? I looked for a scissor in the cabinet instead of landing on a razor blade, dry brown blood on it.
"Let's dance." I suggested after we ate the cupcakes she had baked and made me blow a candle on it. Yeah, like a kid. She even took a picture of me in a birthday cap. I put on Ed Sheeran's thinking out loud on my phone and asked for her hand.
"I don't dance"
"Neither do I-
She made a face that read-'yeah, then why are you asking me to?'
"oh come on, your walls are certainly not going to judge us."
I pulled her to her feet from the bedside. If you were to ask me why I like or possibly love Ivy as whatever she was to me, I won't be able to answer. Because I don't know it myself. Maybe it's the way she never looks anybody in the eye as if she's scared they can read the true side of her, that she hates. But I can answer if you ask me one thing that I hate about her, her secrets, her white lies. She knows she don't have to keep things from me, she knows I love her even after I know very well the side of her that she hates, but still she'll keep things from, of all people, me.
A chill ran down my spines as her cool fingertips wrapped around the nape of my neck and she just stepped a little closer, lessening the distance we were swaying at, earlier. And you don't know how much I wanted the hourglass to stop, how much I just wanted to be there holding her in my arms but I has this thing in my mind that was becoming an ache in my heart, and I needed to get it out.
"You want to tell me something?"
She just shook her head and burrowed her face deeper into my chest. I took a deep breath inhaling her scent and gave it another try. I want her to confess but if she doesn't I just can't let go.
"Anything? Like how're you coping with Matt going away or -"
"I'm fine Ash, really. And everybody soon will be, this thing will soon come to an end and we'll-"
She was not going to give up. Told you about the one I hate about her? Scratch one, the second thing is this. She's stubborn.
"Take your bands off." I took her hands by the wrists, the left one covered with mismatched wristbands I recognize from that day in hospital. But before I can undo the hooks, she snapped back.
"Why?"
A new song started playing. Us, by James Bay.
Sometimes I'm beaten
Sometimes I'm broke
‘Cause sometimes this city is nothing but smoke
Is there a secret?
Is there a code?
Can we make it better?
'Cause I'm losing hope
"Unveil yourself, Ivy. I know you've been hurting yourself" I said while finally taking off her bands. She was struggling not just to stop me from opening her up. And there they were, as I've guessed, marks. Scars she gave to herself, scars that'll never leave their impression, either on her wrist or on her life.
Tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
"Tell me now, everything you feel like." I don't know whether it was me or James Bay singing in the back that finally made her give up all that she's been holding back, not all at once. Drop by drop, the tears started rolling down my chest until I could feel her sobbing but still without a sound. And all I could do was to rub circles on her back, trying to ease the pain. I began to sing along. Singing as if I wanted to say those words to her. I wanted her to believe in that song, to believe in herself, to believe in us.
After the wreckage
After the dust
I still hear the howling, I still feel the rush
Over the riots, above all the noise
Through all the worry, I still hear your voice
There maybe no way to be a part of this world and not get hurt. But we can believe, we can believe that even in the dark we will find a way out.
So tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
Tell me when the light goes down
That even in the dark we can find a way out
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something
I believe in us
I believe in something
And I believe in us
Just like she felt the pain at the very beginning and then stopped feeling anything at all, altogether, I sang till the song ended and then took no notice of what played next.