It's been a week and mom's only getting worse with every second. She's been preparing me for a long time but no one can ever be ready to lose his mom, certainly not me. Aunt Lindsey didn't leave her side for even a moment. And dad...well...he's never on time. Always the one to show up at the end. I didn't expect anything from him anyways. Ivy stopped calling me after 2 days because I kept ignoring her calls. In the middle of all this I don't want to deal with her, not after the way she kissed him that night. I know, she's not playing with him and me but she isn't doing anything less hurting either. she is however here all the fucking time and it's so damn hard to avoid her. I sat beside mom staring at my phone's screen. There are too many messages, from Karen and two from Jayden too. All sympathizing, the last thing I want right now is sympathy.
"You should go sleep Ash, it's late"
"Don't feel like sleeping. Want some coffee?"
"Yay, bring two at once for me"
I couldn't avoid the upcoming fate.
"Hey, you why didn't take my calls?" This was really very unexpected. It was just too bad with her being here almost all day and now she's here in the middle of the night.
"What are you doing here? It's like eleven thirty right now"
"Yay, my phone tells me the same time, now answer my question"
"I wasn't taking anyone's call, you included" I avoided looking at her.
"Oh, then how in the world you got to go to run some errands just after I text you I was coming?"
"It's called mere coincidence"
"Really? Then why aren't you even looking at my face. Tell me you already hate me and you don't want to see my face ever again. I'll be fine. Just don't keep me hanging okay?"
I turned on the coffee brewer and put some coffee beans in it and folded my arms across my chest. I could tell she just came here from her bed. She was wearing her blue shorts. I just kept staring at my feet and saw her come close to me.
"She'll be fine."
"Will people ever stop saying that?"
I said that a bit too loud for a hospital and rude too I guess, Ivy was taken aback. I took a few deep breaths and finally looked up at her. Her eyes were swollen red. She must've been crying, I figured. And look at me, I'm just fucking things up for her.
"I'm sorry, I just... I'm sick of people sympathizing. Of telling me she'll be fine when every fucking body knows that's not how the story goes. I just don't want to talk..."
I couldn't catch what was the matter with her today. Maybe because I'm so caught up in my own grief and stress. Unlike her usual self that would annoy the hell out of me if I tell her not to talk, she just started to walk away. That's when I gave in.
"I don't want you to go either Ivy, please stay."
I gave aunt Lindsey's part of coffee to her and we sat on the floor. Don't take me wrong, there was plenty of space for us to sit on the couches but I guess I needed a change. Within the sound of silence we searched for some silver linings, ironically never looking beside us. It's damn true and disheartening, how the things we search for in the stars and moons, where we possibly can't ever reach, are right here calling out to us and we can't hear it, even in this silence, as again, we're just too busy reaching for the silver linings.
"You'll be okay" she finally said pulling me out of my trance.
"Maybe okay will be our always"
"Hey, that's a.... sentimental line"
"Credits to John Green. What's it with those...umm...not so sleep trendy, mismatched bracelets" I said looking at her wrist covered with bracelets I haven't ever seen her wear. She's not the bracelet type.
"I....I... gotta go Ash... it's...."
Why's she Changing the topic? The sudden lack of excuses is clear on her face. I wanted to question her back but Aunt Lindsey came breathing heavily when I realised we were actually outside Dr. Steve's Cabin. His lights were on since he was on a night shift. At first, I thought she was coming to me and I stood up putting the cold coffee on the table but instead she ran into the black furnished door. My heart almost leaped out of my chest. It has to be Mom.
***
"Ivy, could you please tell his eyes to stop...peeing on my boobs? They're making them wet boy."
Mom and her terrible terrible jokes. How could she think I can laugh at it right now?
"I...love you... Annie....
Ivy came and sat on the opposite side of the bed from where I was sitting. Her eyes were red now with fresh tears at the brim. Mom couldn't speak much because of the oxygen mask on her face. She kept taking short breaths and blinked her eyes open instead of blinking them close. I could see the corners of her eyes getting wet.
"You two people, I want you always to believe in yourself...more than anything else. Life might be a shitty piece of shit, do not take ...those words from me as the last lesson I give to you... always remember You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can stop them nesting in your hair.
If I'm...when I'm stolen from you... I know I'll live... because I'm loved and the one who's loved never dies as love is immortality. Isn't that what your favourite poet says? Ashy?..."
"It'll leave an empty space in me mom, I love you"
" believe me, I'm leaving this place for another to come in as your heart is just too filled with loving me alright? Once I leave through it, don't shut the door, instead open it even wider for more love to fit in."
I just want this nightmare to be over. Even I woke up realising I had wet my bed out of fear. I hope this bad dream I'm seeing is actually a dream because it doesn't feel like. I looked at clock, they say you can't see clocks in your dreams and the goddamn clock was there, ticking it's way through,. taking my mom away from me.
And you naughty...one....stop climbing the pipes, it's easy as long as they are there, but when they're gone and you have to face the reality from the front door it'll be difficult.
Make believe in things that feel right to the heart and things will make believe in you to get themselves done straight. The more you complicate them with your mind, with overthinking the more they tangle themselves."
"I ...love you ...mom" We said in unison.
It isn't creepy if you record the last words of your mom. Even if you think it is, well, I don't give two fucks about your thinking. There will never be anything more heartbreaking than losing your mom in your arms, nothing will ever compare to the heartache you feel when you know your mom is kissing you for the last time. Nothing more numbing than seeing your mom take her last breath while kissing the girl who lives 11 Steps Away from you.
Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache. It doesn’t magically go away, even when you stop officially mourning.
The song has ended, but the melody lingers on...
TO BE CONTINUED...