In life, after something was revealed to you; something kept from you for a long time; how do you cope up with it? Could you accept it just accept it as it is immediately? Isn’t it difficult to realize the truth? If so, would that be your reaction to something that can affect you permanently? Something that will taint your life forever; something we can’t reverse…
Finding out that I was adopted, it was difficult. It was like I was thrown out of my position as a beautiful vase, then picked up after as a piece of a broken pot. The change was abrupt; unexpected. I wasn’t ready for the reveal… But, who caused it? It was me…
Coming back to school the next day was different. I was the “queen bee”, now; am Miss No One… Before I stepped in our school, I said, “It is just the same school I went to yesterday”… I was mistaken; it was a totally different world. I was lost in the same buildings I have been walking in for years. I was invisible; even to the very people I called “my friends”. Maybe I was mistaken to call them such in the beginning… Maybe I had no friends; maybe I was lying to myself, even to myself…
At the very threshold of those gates, I felt the change… It was a totally new world before me. Being invisible wasn’t good if it is only figurative. You know you can be seen and you are treated like you never were. That coming from people you considered your friend; that was worst. I was crushed by the change. The things I used to do; used to see; used to hear; everything gone… I wasn’t the person I used to be, that, just a day after. This was a challenge, I wasn’t ready for it.
The days continued; I was alone. No one talked to me, though I always see them talking behind my back. Coming from who I am; it was difficult. I wasn’t ready. This time, I wanted to disappear; I wanted to go and hide; maybe even die…
Death is beautiful in itself. It is the repose granted for persons who did well in their life. In life death is dreadful; though I believe it is only so when we feel that we did something amiss; something lacking yet in the time we had here living... to the depressed people, it presents itself as an escape… Just to end the things we are undergoing at present. Approaching it seems delightful; the opposite of what it really will bring- remorse…
I was looking for attention before; now I avoid it like a plague. Seeking always to be hidden seems impossible in my case; so I decided to face the only escape I know- DEATH… Was I ready to die? I don’t think so… Would death give me the scape I want to have? Maybe… Nothing in my mind was clear, everything vague… I don’t want to do it; but, do I have a choice?
Every single day I return home, as if nothing happened… my parents paid little attention to me as usual; I hardly even see them at home. Maybe they thought I already moved on; that I was able to accept it easily… Am sorry to say, but I wasn’t flowing with the events; I fell off the current and now drowning with the reveal. I was wishing that my parents; at least my parents would be able to see that… No dear, am sorry; they didn’t. Finding myself in the kitchen; I wanted to distract myself… I wanted to do some cooking. Processing the ingredients, I came across a knife… The urge to face death was great; I knew I couldn’t resist it… I was crying; I was screaming, asking why things are… Did anyone hear me?
Gathering my courage to face death, I was resolved to slit my wrists… I thought that if I did that, everything will be back to normal. No more, fears, no more tears, and most importantly, no more pain… I was screaming for help, I called my parents- they weren’t there. As I moved in the knife towards my hand to slit the first one… A maid saw me. Her hand tried to stop me; the cut has been made; though I missed the spot where I wanted to cut. Instead of cutting deep into my wrist, I cut deep into the dorsal part of my hand. Wrong place, yet I was satisfied with the deep cut. The fear of blood I had caused me to faint… The maids rushed to call my parents as I was brought into a hospital. Did they know that this will happen? I don’t think so…