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Why did this happen? What did I do? Do I deserve all this? Am I not worthy? These are a few of the questions that keep you up at night when you're all broken and down. These are the few of the questions you try hard to answer, hoping it would stop the pain when you finally hear the answer.
Why did this happen? It's the question that will most torture you. Asking where it went wrong or what you did wrong? From here all questions stems out. As your heart aches, you seek for the answer. It stabs you in the chest everytime you think of it as if it's adding more to the pain you feel like you can no longer handle.
But what do we do? Do we only ask these questions, hoping it will take the pain away? Do we just torture ourselves and blame everything on us? Do we just stay up late at night, hating ourselves as if we don't deserve another chance at all?
How do we go on? How do we pick ourselves up? Is this all we want to do? Is this what will put an end to our lives? Do we get stuck to crying and asking and hating ourselves for the things that didn't go our way? Do we just sulk in the corner wishing that our lives will just end so all the pain goes away?
I've been through all these. The sleepless nights. The never ending questions I seek to answer. Not once but many times, I found myself succumbing to the pain it brought me that I do not want to live anymore. Everyday, I fight for that kind of thought in my head, thinking there's so much more I can do - that there's so much more that awaits me. That life has so much more to offer than just pain and suffering.
So how do we get up? How do we start anew? How do you get pass through the pain of not wanting to continue? We all go through different situations and have different coping mechanisms but there are a few things that I try to keep in mind or keep my mind set on so I can somehow manage to go through the pain of being broken without being controlled by my own emotions. I try to think of these things so I don't get eaten by my own self and the pain I feel.
First, there's nothing wrong in crying until it's the only thing you'd do. Crying helps us release emotions we can not say into words or express into actions. We cry because we can't take the pain. We cry because we have to release the pain. We cry, as much as we can, even if it keeps us up at night. We cry because the pain is unbearable. We cry because then pain is unimaginable. But we should try and pull ourselves together. We can only cry as much and should stop crying only. If we would only cry and do nothing else, nothing will happen to us. We will get trapped in the emotions we feel and we would get stuck on feeling that same feeling. We can cry but we can't be just crying all the time. To be able to start again, the first thing we should learn to control or use is our tears. Control when it should fall and use it to push up and move forward so we can do things that will make us feel better slowly
Second, diversion. Chase the other things that make you happy. When we get hurt, it feels as if it's the end of the world. It feels as though nothing is and nothing will ever go right or go the way we wanted. But it isn't true, it isn't the end of everything in us. Maybe a chapter in our story but not our story. Maybe a part but never the whole of us. That's when we should look at other things, like those who are by our side. Those who are staying and are helding us tightly so we wouldn't give up and totally lose it. We may stop being a friend to some, or a girlfriend to someone but we are still a friend to others, perhaps a friend to someone you will meet soon. You are still a child, or a mother/father, a relative and someone important to somebody else. That's where we can focus, that's what can help us. We can do other things that makes us happy like going swimming. Or perhaps it's the chance to open new doors of exploration and discovery of new things you can learn to do or you know to do. We have the power to choose where to look at and where to focus our attention. It will gravely help us when we focus on what we can do and what we have in us so we can cope to the pain of what we lost or what broke us.
Third, the pain teaches me a deeper meaning of genuineness. The pain, everytime I feel it or it strucks me, reveals who truly cares for me. Not only does it reveal who wouldn't hurt us but it will reveal who'll be there when we are badly hurt - emotionally or physically. Sometimes, we get so blinded by the pain and how we treat others that we forget to even think if they truly care for us. I realized through being broken that if someone wants to keep you and that they truly care, they won't ever jeopardize your well-being and your happiness. They wouldn't be the one who will cause you to feel the most excruciating pain of being broken or being left behind. They wouldn't brok you into pieces just to get what they want. If they are genuine to you, they wouldn't break you as if you meant nothing to them.
But more than that, the pain teaches me of forgiveness and appreciation. It teaches me not to let anger control my life and how I treat others. That I shouldn't let grudge have space to grow within me. That even if they don't seek forgiveness, you should forgive them so you can't hold on to the pain and you learn to let them go. It teaches me of appreciation. How I should appreciate those who stick by my side and tries hard to push me to be better and not give up. It teaches me of compassion. To never let anger overpower the love I have and the love I believe in. It teaches me to forget and never regret. To forgive and move forward to improve myself. To forgive takes a lot of courage but what I realized is that it is never for them but for you - to make you feel lighter and for you to just let go of what you can no longer hold onto. I learned that I should not let anger consume everything that is good in me.
Lastly, the most important thing I learned by being broken is to always choose yourself. To never forget your worth just because people don't see or appreciate it. To never hate yourself for what bad things others give or do to you. We do not have control of how others treat us, even when we give our best to them or treat them the best we can. But that doesn't dimishes our worth. Their actions don't mean we deserve it or we deserve less than what we give. I learned that we shouldn't blame ourselves for the pain we feel even if we are at the wrong end. A mistake only defines you if you do not do something to correct it or make up for it. If we choose ourselves and choose to learn from the pain, we can be able to stand up and start again. We have to remember the good in us. No matter how people try to perceive us as bad person, we have to keep our heart's pure and our intentions clean. No amount of pain can ever dictate your worth or what you truly deserve. We have to choose ourselves and stop belittling ourselves when we get broken. We have to choose to be better and be better so we can slowly pick ourselves up and start anew.
This isn't an easy road to take. It would take up so much courage and will for one to fight his way through pain. And I guess there lies the key to moving on. No matter how painful it gets or how clouded our thoughts get, we shouldn't forget of what lies inside us, what we can give and what we can improve in us. We shouldn't forget ourselves and let pain have the power to sink us in devastation or worse, to our self destruction. We have to keep believing in ourselves. That there is so much more waiting for us if we choose to.
Like what the saying goes, no storms last forever. And if we see the rainbow, it doesn't mean there'll be no storms anymore. It will be a continous cycle and we shouldn't get tired of picking ourselves up and starting again. Being broken is hard and a tremendous torture to feel but in the dark, sometimes, is where we see the brightest light - the light within us that we should keep fighting for.
130556 Launches
Part of the Life collection
Updated on October 18, 2017
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