synopsis:
i've been sad for a really long time and somewhere along the road i wrote this. i know a lot of us goes through a lot and we can't tell other people about them because we don't know how to say it and they won't understand. i've changed. a lot. but i hope it's for the better. whilst i wrote this, i realized a lot of things and i'm now willing to move forward from all the pain and actually find happiness in all the little things in life because i don't want to be that person in her final breaths thinking how i've not lived my life at all. so no more sadness and here's to finding more adventure.
. . .
I don't expect everyone to understand, honestly the only judgement i need is the one from myself, fuck everyone else's. because at the end of the day, I'm always going to end up by myself and all the things I have left, nothing else would matter. Everything feels like the whole world is falling apart, but i know now that it won't fall apart forever. Call me selfish but I'd rather love myself. That way, I won't get hurt and I wouldn't hurt anyone. I remember the time I told myself that if I ever loved someone I'd do anything to make them happy. Well now, I'm going to make that someone myself and I'd do whatever I want.
I wasn't like this before; guarded, full of fears, walking with a shattered heart and madness filling every single space in my mind. I was carefree, I felt the fear before but I still did it. Nothing used to stop me then. I wonder what happened. I want to go back to the way it was because now, every single cell in my body screams in pain and anger. Countless thoughts consume my mind every time I try to fall asleep. I know I'm no one else's priority, even to myself. No one's actually cared enough to stop and ask me how I'm getting through.
I wonder what being loved feels like. I wonder what real adventure feels like. I want to feel the adrenaline in my veins, the wind in my hair and the sparks in a kiss everyone talks about. I want to roam around and find the pieces I never knew I've lost. I want to be the person I was before, but now she's a ghost I look up to.
I want to go back in the past and tell her one thing. I'd tell her to stop being scared of everything. I'd tell her that she shouldn't let anyone get under her skin because she'd live her life with 10 foot walls and a lot of insecurity while she walks those hallways. They don't matter, I'd say.
I don't want her to be like the person I am now. Unworthy, depressed and thinking about dying all the time. If only I could go back.
If only I had the courage to talk to the ghost of who I once was.