I opened my facebook account again. My eyes quickly darted to the list of those online searching for a name that I could never get out of my head. Then I saw her, the green circle on her name meant that she's active at the moment. On roads you see green lights as go signals but here I doubt that's what the green light means. Cause there are a lot of times where I tried to start a conversation with her but I received no reply. So..that might mean that green says "fuck off."
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a stalker or anything. Nor am I some guy who desperately seeks another's attention. I'm as normal as can be. She's not someone whom I don't know and I'm not a stranger to her as well. We shared a lot of laughs together, we talked till the sun went down, we ate together, went to different places together, we were friends...we were.
Then at some point I started seeing her differently. No. That's not right. It was not at some point when we were already friends that I saw her in a different light, because from the very first moment that I saw her, I felt something which I could not explain.
Moving on to the present. My mind raced on the possible things which I could say, and if I should say anything at all. We haven't had a decent conversation for a while now. It had always been hi's and hello's and nothing more. But I never stopped from trying, and now I'm about to try again. Hoping to connect to her again. Hoping that at least we could be as we were before.
There was a strange feeling within me. A voice telling me I should stop trying to get inside her world. After all, I had all the right reasons to not talk to her again. But I didn't listen to reason and my fingers started tapping on the keyboard.
"Hey :)" I waited for a response but none was coming anytime soon. Then after what seemed like forever she finally replied.
"Hi :) You haven't chatted for a while. How have you been?"
Her reply put a smile on my face and I immediately gave a response. Realizing that if I reply any second too late, she'd be gone again and our conversation would end with the usual "Hey" and "Hi"
"I'm fine. Just finished my requirements in the university. How about you? How's Japan?"
I don't know if she still cares. If she still values whatever we had before, but I did. And I do not want to become just another memory in her life, a person who'm she'd talk about in the past tense. I don't want that. I want to be alive and I want to stay.
While the thoughts were floating on my mind, I heard my phone ring and I quickly looked. The screen lit up and I saw a reply waiting for me.
"It's kinda tiring, there are a lot more things which they're asking us to do, but it's still humanly possible."
"Just don't forget to rest whenever possible."
"Yeah. Thanks for caring."
Our conversation went on. As if by a stroke of luck she kept on replying to my messages. I felt happy, the connection we lost seemed to be returning. The strings were intertwining again,and I felt that I've finally reached out to her. But then reality decided to slap me in the face.
She left the conversation hanging. I waited for her to reply because the light was still green, and so it took me until midnight.
Then the light finally went of. There wasn't even a "goodnight", a "sorry", or a "Let's chat again sometime."
Nothing.
There was nothing. And there I was played again for a fool. Then the voice in my head came back.
"See? I told you. You have no place anymore in her life."
I considered the thought until the next day. But then she was online again and, hoping against hope, I tried another time.
"Hey."