"I have always gazed at you from afar; just like a lonely shipwrecked woman in the middle of the sea. And you, just like a lighthouse, you guide all those boats back to the shore. All those who experienced the same fate as me and I was another soul that longed for your light...Never would I have thought that the light I admired would take me all for himself."
— Cia
I feel alienated.
This is a common emotion and state that I experience. Wherever I go, whoever I meet, whatever I do...there is always that growing emptiness welling up inside of me. Breaking down. Piece by piece. That is exactly how I feel. That is always how I feel. I do not feel at peace, nor do I feel that I am at the right place. It is as if my own existence is in the middle of the world everyone knows and a world that I could never completely understand.
All the pieces I lose still stay inside of me. Yet they sink into a place I could never reach; into a pit that has never found its base. All the pieces that crumble down inside of me enter into an endless fall, to parts of my own self that I have never known.
You may see me smile, you may see me laughing, and there are a lot of moments that I would seem careless and carefree.
Here I am, going to faraway places I have never visited all alone.
Here I am, riding a bus in the middle of the night not knowing if I would even go back to my parents house.
Here I am, a constant guest to other people and their worlds of anxiety and depression.
Here I am, crying all alone in the dead of night wishing I would just dissapear.
Here I am....
trying...
with all my might...
to see another day...
and face the world as if I am okay...
My eyes see the world in monochrome. My ears quickly go deaf from noise and shallow conversations. I bite my lips together and stop myself from speaking, knowing that no one would ever understand what my words really mean. I have given up on forming deeper relationships and slowly I fade into that bottomless pit. But then, something actually changed.
In the world of monochrome, silence, and secrets. In the world I have made where only I truly existed...I saw another person just like me. I saw a woman clad in emptiness, with eyes as deep as the event horizon...pulling me straight into their gaze and leaving me gasping for air. I saw her smile, but with much hesitation. I heard her talk but without any emotions; and all this time I thought that I would be repelled by a person who resembled me. Yet here I am, spiraling toward something that could make me completely crumble down.
Surely enough I reached the point, where I got comfortable under her skin. I found peace, and I longed to have this all to myself. The feeling of being complete though already shattered, that is how she made me feel. Whenever she held me close, or held my hand, or wrapped her arms around me. Whenever her voices changes to a more vulnerable tone. Whenever she decides to throw away all her defenses; I still see a woman filled by emptiness, of a monochrome just like the world I live in.
I had always felt alienated.
Then.
She came.
Like a silent gentle breeze...
and now I reached a point where things are a bit different.
The places we go to, the things we do, the times we spend together. I have changed from animosity to a feeling of complete comfort. I have never thought about it. About how all of this feels so familiar.
Everything becomes nostalgic whenever I'm with her. Every piece falls into place and my dull little world welcomes beauty and art. And as her head falls gently on my shoulder; fingers intertwining with mine...I finally realized that just as I am her lighthouse... she will always be my one and only home.