I Blame Colleen Hoover

 The love we accept is the kind that we think we deserve. I’ve always thought that when I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, that one quote was silly. And that it was easy to actually think about the standard of love that you deserve and have it. Set a standard as to how you want love to treat you.

If you asked me the number of times I told myself that I will not settle for anything less than the romanticized idea of Love that I had, which I have absorbed through reading countless Young and New Adult books, I would have told you that the number would be infinite times. I want to blame Colleen Hoover for opening my eyes to how Benton had actually treated Fallon, and how he waited patiently for her each year. No matter how long and how difficult it was to wait for someone for that long, Ben held onto the idea that one day in a year, he would get to see the love of his life. And for him, that was enough. I had this idea in my head that one day, someone would value the time they spent with me no matter how short it was because it was something of great importance to them.

I want to blame Colleen Hoover for showing me that even when love is broken and empty, a person who truly loves can persevere even in the midst of all the ugliness and tragedy that life brings. Miles showed me that no matter how broken somebody is inside, there’s still love to be had… that love may be ugly but at the end of it all, when both are willing to work from the jagged pieces of that brokenness, they can turn it into an abstract masterpiece that one can only find once in a lifetime. I’d like to believe that even when I am broken inside, somebody out there is willing to piece me back together patiently and will not be scared of the ghost that’s been haunting my past. I want a Miles who, despite his own raging demons, will step up and hold my hand when mine start to drown me with their incessant voices. I want a Miles whose demons can dance with mine.

I want to blame Colleen Hoover for showing me that in love, you don’t get to decide who you fall in love with. The beauty and tragedy of it lies in its unpredictability. One moment you were sure of where you are in the relationship but all of that can change in a heartbeat. Once one’s heartbeat matches yours and the rhythm of their heartstrings jive with yours, it can easily sweep you off your feet. I want a Ridge who fell in love not because of how available I am for his convenience all the time. I want a Ridge whose maybe someday became a today’s assurance because he wants me that much that nothing else matters but the way that he feels when we’re together. I want a Ridge whose voice I hear even among the loudest crowd. I want a Ridge whose strength surpasses whatever problem we’ll have ahead of us.

I want to blame Colleen Hoover for showing me that there is a Holder out there who can hold out even when there’s no hope… the one guy whose love is strong enough to break down the walls and embrace it no matter how ugly it is on the other side of it. I want the kind of love that Holder has where determination and patience are tested but they never falter. Even when things become hopeless, I want a Holder whose arms will always be there to carry me through the harsh waves and swim us across the shore. I want a Holder whose love never falters all throughout the years.

So if you ask me why I have such little faith in you, blame Colleen Hoover. She keeps on showing me that love, in its purest form, can bring you to a place where insecurities, doubts, trust issues, infidelity, impatience, and disloyalty, do not exist. That the standard you have for love should not be something that will take you down the path where you won’t be happy. That you deserve so much better than you think. That you must value yourself far more than anything else because the right person will always see your value for what it is. So, what kind of love will you be willing to deserve now?