I Like You

It hurts. It does. I feel as if my heart is being gripped by forces unknown. My breathing became heavy. My head feels light, like it’s floating within uncharted territories. There are a lot of things that I can’t explain at this moment…but one thing I am sure of is that it hurts.

Are there things that I regret? Were there things that I should have done? Should I have stepped into that deep and empty universe that you have always hidden and asked if I can share it with you? I’m not sure. Maybe there were things I failed to notice, or things that I purposely turned a blind eye on. Maybe I was never honest with how I felt and just went with the flow, thinking that you’d always be there. Thinking we’d stay like this, in this little space we created without anyone interfering, But then something happened, wait… not something….someone happened.

“We’re a couple now.” Those words turned my world upside down.

“Why does it hurt?” Shit. Fuck. Damn. Ahhhhhhhh.

Just a few weeks ago, this guy barged in on our world. He held her and tried to take her out…I wanted to do something, anything…but I didn’t. I thought “She won’t leave…she won’t.” But then he kept on coming and I couldn’t stop him. The distance between us was already far, but now it seemed farther. I always felt her close to me emotionally even if she was so far away physically, but slowly everything became hazy.

They went out. He held her hand, and that pissed me of so much. I wanted to tell her that but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I thought it wasn’t right for me to take off someone who may be able to make her happy. There was fear growing inside me that I pretended not to notice.

“I don’t want her to be taken by anyone.” That’s what the little voice said, but I didn’t pay any attention to it…because I thought everything would stay the same…but it didn’t. Slowly I felt her being taken away…and I let it happen. I watched, unable to move, as if I am shackled and helpless. I watched her slowly being taken away…and then this moment happened.

A bucket of freezing cold water, that’s what I felt touched my skin. All my senses came to life and everything felt unreal. I couldn’t stay at one place and kept moving. I stared at the mirror. Went out and breathed some fresh air. Stared at the ceiling. I was floating… for the first time in a long time…a woman made me float in the vast unknown thinking of nothing but her. All the questions and what ifs became clear now. I know what I feel. But it’s too late.

You asked me if I like you. I gave you such a short answer to such an important question…and now I’ll answer you in full. I like you. I don’t think that can be equated to love but I like you. I like how you spend time with me no matter how grim I could get. I like how you are not afraid to show me even that side of you that you hide from everyone. I like how you honestly answer my questions. I like how you think of yourself as a contradiction, yet you still give off an aura of harmony and beauty. I like how you are broken yet complete. I like all those moments that we chat with each other no matter how deep or shallow. I like how you giggle. I like how I can annoy you. I like how you want me to call you on phone and I like how you let me do the same. I like your smile (though I haven’t seen it personally). I like how you keep on saying that you might push me away yet still make me feel that you want me to stay. I like how you make me smile. I like how you make me think of you at times. I like waiting for you to go online so I can chat you. I like how I can be myself with you. Yes…even if it’s too late now. Even if the world we created now crumbles before my very eyes. Even if I’m already too late. Let me say this. 

Yes. 

I like you.