I loved him

I have never had a childhood

I have never had an adulthood

All i found was sexual abuse

All i found was hate and revenge

All i found was games and lies

I had nothing but scars and breakdowns

All i wanted in life was a home

I started meeting people

and They just offered homes that looked like ones in fairytails

Later on i realized they were hell inside but that was after i was trapped

I always thought i will find true love

But all i found was hate and lies

So i locked my heart

Then he came along

He just appeared 

And all what happened was that the sealed lock was broken

Broken by his mere existence

He was a brother and a best friend

I gave him a chance and let him in

I gave him a chance to save me

By time, my heart started to give me shivers

His smile and his voice did miracles

All i knew is that i fell so hard for someone who will never be able to return my love

I had this tiny hope that we might live together forever 

I can't ever live without him anymore

But, i became a source of misery to him

I can't control it

I can't control that i always see myself as a burden

I can't control that i hate myself

All of these had sources that started with the family

I was told that i was nothing

I was told that nobody loves me

I was told that i was sexy enough to the extent of wanting to rape me

I was too young 

Too young to understand that what was said wasn't me at all

But as i grew up, i heard such hurtful words alot:

"Nobody loves you, nobody cares, you are too beautiful so what about you suck my dick"

When i was younger, i was threatened to masturbate a man

I was threatened to supply money and be a thief

I was threatened to show my body 

I was threatened  to do more and more

These killed my soul

I want you to know that i have seen a lot and i am not under control on my words when i am so hurt, when i am so broken and dead inside

Forgive my heart

Forgive my soul

Forgive how much i loved you

Forgive how much you mean to me

I never meant any harm but i do hurt people badly

All what's inside my hollow empty vessel is shit

It's a first for me to learn about the good

I hoped you would feel me more

I wished you would love me more and never let go

I wished you would take me away from my dead soul and save me

I had alot of wishes but i think it's too late

You will never love me again

Forgive me,

I loved you.