I Still Want You

Few months ago, I saw you melt into the crowd of people searching for the one. You were never my type. You were never the guy other people would expect me to like. But you had these cute little eyes, the ones I can’t take my eyes off that any girl would actually fall for. Until then, I never lost sight of you.

I guess they're all right. We tend to like a person who doesn’t fit our standards. We like them for who and what they are regardless of the ideals we have set for the ideal type of person we want in life. Because when you like someone, you just like him. End of story.

My feelings for you came unnoticed. So I asked my friends about you in a way they would not know I had interests in you. They told me horrible stories about you which made you even more attractive to me. I was drawn back to the feeling of a high school kid having a crush on the leader of a school gang.

Yet the following months became a painful stage. I don’t usually stalk people on social media but for you, I tried it. How would I know what type of person you are or whatever under the sun that interests you? How would I know where I could draw the line from simply liking you to completely wanting you?

Then one day it hit me –the reality of you being in love with someone else, being someone’s property. It hit me so hard that I would want to consider the truth as a lie. That I had to wake up from the delusion of pursuing you.

Did I come a little later? Or did she come a little sooner than me? So then I decided to take a back seat.

Because seeing you happy with her eased the pain in me. Even though at times I have to hate the fact that you’re so into her. I get jealous every time you feel blessed and brag to the world how much you adore her. While I’m here behind the curtains, watching you love her more each day.

Well, that is how the cookie crumbles. Life is twisted like that. I want you, you want her and she wants you too. It sucks though, because while I talk to you about the person I like, you’re talking to me about the person you love. Could it get any worse than that?

So how do you keep liking someone who’s already taken? How do you keep that hopeful devotion of secretly admiring a person who loves someone else? If only I was savage enough, I would take you away from her. I would go over her dead body just to get what I want.

But I don’t want to ruin something good for someone I can’t have. I don’t want to claim something that was never even mine from the start.

I’m maybe liking you too much but I will never pursue you. Ever since I recognized the feelings of liking you, I promised myself not to pursue you, that I will never be selfish nor play my cards just try getting you from her. I’ve always been holding back not because I want you less but because I want you badly.

So I’ll just watch you, smile for you, and love you at a distance while you’re still in love with someone else.

And no matter how messy it gets, I’d still want you, I’ll always want you even if it fucking hurts.

//wounded writer//