Illustration by @luciesalgado

It's all in the past


The morning winds blew past, collecting the dust off the road, whooshing past the frozen lamp-posts, some sticking to and some surviving the blow. The trees across the streets greet the winds with a gentle sway, and the wind whistles back its greetings, subtly rousing the residents for the bright day ahead. The birds chirp and cheer their children for another day of life lessons, after all, they too need to learn to survive. The smog-filled parks where the sun's rays couldn't penetrate, slowly cleared from the center, a deal struck with the athletes and the pedestrians. The roads overflowed with the school buses, children carrying their cute little bags, waving to their parents and the polished cars of businessmen whose wife hustle about to send them off.

While the world swiveled around me, I sat in my unusually dark room, oblivious to its happenings. For days, I have been listening to my parents moping around the house about how gloomy I am and about my isolation, but my brain could register no more. I had locked myself in my room, the moment I came back from the hostel, only coming out for the necessities, in hopes that the looming silence will put an end to my misery. Yes! you heard it right. Misery. My experiences in the college were less than fortunate, that I had decided to flee the minute my exams completed.

Two months back, I ran into a friend of my friend - Sam, at the railway station, while going home for a regular three-day holiday. He remembered me from the past, but I did not recognize him. We started off greatly, talking about each other, sharing our pasts, so much that, we never knew when the night wore off. As the day dawned we learned a lot about each other. One could say that we were really close, for that's how much we knew each other. Who knew that a six-hour train journey was enough to get to know a person better? Not me definitely. Two days in and we were definitely dependent on each other. I couldn't contain my excitement every time he texted me back and was convinced that I was smitten with him. There was a nagging voice within me, stating that things were moving too fast, but I shoved that thought back to a corner. By the time the three days came to an end, we were positively in love with each other.

It was unbelievable how much of a positive influence Sam was in my life. He was the reason I started to believe in myself, as a lady. I felt butterflies flutter around my stomach, every time he told me that I looked beautiful, not just by the looks, but also from within. He and I had at many points, contemplated how both our families would be against our union, both had unique sets of weights around our shoulder, but we always were happy to be with each other and communicate at the end of the day. He knew the importance of being in the senior year of college, he always asked me not to put him before my studies and that's exactly why I felt much more comfortable with him. He knew all my fears and promised me that he would never confront me about them, till I find it in myself to overcome them.

It is a known fact that life is not a bed of roses, so is being in a relationship. Both of us were haunted by the ghosts of society, cast and religion too often that we never realized it was all we spoke about. Rather than enjoying being with each other, we started to contemplate what the future has in store for us. Neither of us realized that we were drifting apart, not exactly giving into the other and having random fights. Two months flew past us, and we were still into each other, at least I thought we were. We had to focus on our final exams and hence planned to cut our phone calls and if there was a conversation, it was terse. I knew right then, that things were going downhill for us, bare minimum talks and awkward glances were what gave me hope to carry on and one fine day, even that found its end.

The last exam of the semester was up and I woke up as usual to recollect the lessons. I made myself presentable for the day, bags all packed and waiting to be shifted home. Before I could even start to revise, my phone gave three shrill rings, diverting me from my prime focus. Three messages from Sam, stating that he couldn't be with me anymore. I did not want to beg to keep it going, for i already knew, things were far from being realistic. I completed my exams, held my tears till I reached home and made sure that I was left alone. Only then did I let my tears flow.

I cried for having given into his words, I tried to move on and be cheerful. Everyone was convinced with the mask I put up when I spoke to them, but for one, my dear brother. I swear he knows me too well. He waited for me to open up to him, come clean about everything and then I knew that I had to tell him. So I spoke and he listened, he became my support, my rock. He helped me move on, told me that it was important to accept a mistake to learn and overcome it. He made me what I am and I shall forever be grateful for his support.  It's all in the past now. Every failure leaves behind a lesson, and mine was to let go and not rush into anything. Life is beautiful, the way it is and the way we take it.

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It's all in the past

19 Launches

Part of the Musings collection

Published on March 13, 2018

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