I don't know how to address you for this is the first time we are communicating.
I might seem familiar to you because we went to the same school. I am not sure why I am writing this letter in the middle of the night, especially, when i know you are never coming back. I have never believed in souls that persist even after we are dead and gone from this material world. But now I have no other choice but to believe that you are still there, coexisting in a parallel world. And sometimes, I try to convince myself that I you feel you whenever it rains, whenever there is a soothing wind touching me... Because it gives me some hope of meeting you again somewhere. And then I would be able to see you, follow you without your knowledge.
I know I have 'acted' indifferent all the time you were there near me. And I am sure you saw me following you. And whenever you looked, I turned away. I don't know why I did that. I wanted to be near you. And yet I couldn't stand any attention from you. It was the first time in my short life of 14 years that I felt attracted to someone. I still cant figure out why I saw you and only YOU! You were not different from anyone (except the difference humans have from one another). On May 2nd, 2011, I met you. You joined 12th and I joined 9th. I saw you for the first time in the wash area at school during the recess time. And I saw you everyday after that. And on the days you weren't there my eyes did not listen to me.
I was very proud. I never admitted what I felt for you even to me. I tried to convince myself that you are practically a stranger to me, that I knew nothing about you, even your name. But I would eagerly wait for the intervals to see you, to follow you. During the lunch breaks, after having lunch, I would come with my friends to chat and stand somewhere near you and your friends so that I can steal glances at you every now and then. And then again I would tell my mind to stop acting so foolish. I would decide not see you, to keep away from you. But towards the end of the day I would be keenly looking out of the classroom whenever I hear footsteps just in the the hope of seeing you. You cannot imagine the kind of joy it gave me!
I still remember the day our eyes met. During the lunch break you were standing with your friends. As usual, I found a place quiet near you with my friends. We were talking. But I couldn't listen to them for I was busy looking at you. And then, one time I glanced at you, you glanced back at me. And our eyes met. It lasted only a fraction of a second. I immediately looked away and switched my position with a friend so that I would not see you again. Though it was short lived, I continue to remember it even after four years.
Again, a few days after that, one morning while I was at the store buying books you came there and you stood so close to me, right by me side. My heart was beating a 100 times faster and I fled from there.
During the Onam vacation and every weekend, I would tried to forget you. I was so sure that I would feel less for you if I did not see you for sometime. But things proved to be different, because whenever i saw you those protective layers of self control seemed to burst. I felt so vulnerable around you. All the time you were before me I resisted you. And the more I resisted, the more you persisted. Though I never admitted I loved you, I knew you were special to me.
Time flew and came the year end. Time for you to leave school. The last thing I wanted was a broken heart. So I kept away from you as much as possible. I kept you away from my diary, my thoughts and everywhere. It was very helpful that you were having revision classes. This meant I would see you very less. It gave me enough time to pull myself together. And finally you were gone.
I came to 10th. Yes! A very important year and I had to be more diligent, responsible and studious. But the first thought that came to mind was 'a school without you'. Till then I had not told a soul about my feelings. But I could hold no longer and had to tell someone. But to whom? Would listen to this silly thing? I wrote in my diary. I often wondered if you ever thought of this girl at school. And I felt stupid for thinking of you. But I didn't mind the stupidity. I started dreaming and drew plans_ how i would become a professor (for that is my goal) and you a someone and how we would meet in the future so coincidentally and find out our families are someway connected, how this would grow into a proposal and how we would be happily married. And how I would tell you you were my first and only love..
I told you, I was stupid_ too stupid to think I live in the Disney Land.
Finally I told my then-best friend about this. She seemed to understand. I showed her the poems and the story I wrote in our future-engagement. That was all childish.
In 11th I was very happy because I became the Leader of one of the Houses at school. I was enjoying the days. That year we had very heavy rains. And one day, after a heavy rain, the same old friend came and told me the news. Yes! You were dead! Drowned in a river with two other friends of yours. I am not sure how I felt. It was a simple nothingness. I remember shivering and not being able to take down the notes at class. Once back at home, i shut myself and cried. Cried. Cried my inside out. I remember, my tears were very hot! My head was throbbing. The worst part was this discovery. You lived near my grandma's, my childhood home! I dont know if you know, my parents had attended your funeral. And they brought back the account of your wretched family..
I cried that night like never before.
For many weeks I found it hard to concentrate. I tried hard not to cry at school which bore your memories. Reading textbooks, solving problems, I would think how you too did the same 3 years back. And that you are dead now.
Crazy.Stupid.Love
I still have the obituary column I cut out from the newspaper.
At some night, I would think about your family. How can your father and mother bear the lose of their dearest son, how can your sister ever be happy.. and then I feel I am nothing.. my feelings are nothing..
My dreams were shattered. I couldnt dream anymore. Because you were not there to fill in them.
It has been 4 years since I first met you. I sometimes feel that I would have long forgotten you if you were not dead. Time heals. And now, I find it hard when my mind tells my heart that they were just immature affections. I dont want to reduce my once-so-divine feelings into infatuation.
I have not felt the same for anyone. I think you taught my mind to be practical. Yes. I cannot fall in love at one sight anymore (as it happened with you).
I have promised myself not to fall for anyone (not that it would happen). I have only one heart. How can I let someone break it?
I don't know if I still love you. All I know is that I don't want my heart to stop loving you.
All the day I try to forget you But you seem all set, not to go.
I cant touch you, nor can I see you
But I can feel you In the rain, wind and music.
All the dreams I saw Of our life together Go useless.
I dont know why I still think of you Even when I know there is no coming back for you You are gone to the world of no pain But I live in pain you know not
But why? Why did you come into my life And fill into my dreams? And why did you just Die?
I dont want to believe I was Infatuated I dont want to believe my affections were Immature.
You were a stranger. I never knew you. You never knew me. Strange, indeed, it is, to have my heart so broken by a Stranger!
I want to write:
' Wherever you are, Deep down inside my heart, A safe place for you, Always for you'
And yet, I wish,
If I could ever forget you