You know what I hate? I hate that I met you. I hate that I care. I hate this weird feeling in my being. Electrified whenever you are there. Alive. Happy. I forgot how this felt...for so long these feelings have been shut off. They have been thrown deep into a void that can never be fully entered. But now they are here in front of me. Just like that. All these years of effort wasted, because you came.
For a moment you got me dreaming. As if Sandman filled my eyes to the point that I'm already blind. But it doesn't hurt and that's a lie. I just didn't feel the wound slowly tearing open, with all its stitches getting undone...because you were there.
All this time when my humanity was falling back to place, you were there. You held my hand and never let it go. You didn't see how much I was bleeding, I didn't also. Probably because we had so much fun together. I kept wrapping bandages over these wounds that opened. I kept believing that everything would be fine...
Because you came.
Because you promised to stay.
Because I held on to all your lies.
I kept on smiling, laughing, then I started thinking of bigger things. I wanted you to really stay, to be by my side no matter what. All this time I kept on bleeding, all this time I left a road of gushing red behind me. Each step covered in blood yet I never felt pain, all because you were there.
You said I was special.
I said you were too.
But that's just too good to be true.
All the stitches got untied, and I felt like dying for the first time. I tried to catch my breath...I tried to picture you in my head. "She's waiting for me", I said to myself. "I can't die here, not just yet." So I continued moving and crawling through the dirt. Gasping, panting, looking desperately for your hand. The ones that promised never to let go. The ones that promised that they will hold on. The ones that promised to stay by my side. I looked for it in the pitch black surrounding me, because if there's anything that could save me now, it would be your sunshine, your light. But it wasn't there.
Then I heard your voice. You laughed with so much life, that I couldn't mistake it for someone else's. I searched for it with the little resistance I still have left, before I completely return to nothingness. Then that is when everything fell apart. I saw you. Not with someone else, but inside the world you truly belong.
Everything fits perfectly in place. And I saw you smile, the same one you showed me, but this time it looked more real. Inside your world, your smile seemed to fit.
Suddenly any strength left in my body drained instantly. I watched, helpless and alone, as you continued to be happy. Your hands were never mine to keep, your company was never mine to own. All you did was visit my void, give me a glimmer of hope, then go back to the dazzling sunlight, hoping I would follow. But I never did, and I never could. That's when I laughed my heart out. You expected me to follow inside a world I cannot fit. To fight a battle I couldn't win. You expected me to be with you, but not in my world, not in between our worlds, but inside yours.
That is when sandman's dust ran off. When the last drop of blood left, and the void got bigger than when I left it. That's when everything came back. The reason why I hated these feelings in the first place.
Everything....
Everything....
Everything is just a lie because you were never there.