"I wanted to hold you forever but I guess our forever have reached its end. And now I only have my dreams where I can live like you are here and I can always hold you close to me til the end."
I felt the warm ray of sunshine hit my face. I slowly got up and opened my eyes, only to close it because it was too bright. Today is an important day. "Is it?" that's what is in my head. Should I mark the day that I lost you important? I don't see why because it's something I wish didn't happen and I badly pray to not remember so often.
It's been 5 years since I lost you and here I am wishing it was a different kind of "losing you". The kind of losing you where we cross paths as if we're just strangers. The kind where when we look at each other, there's blankness in the way we look. The kind where we just go on our day-to-day activities without minding each other. The kind where I know you're existing and is around even when I can't be as cllose to you as we used to be. It's been 5 years but damn it still hurts so deep. How could he take you away and take you to a place I could never reach?
How was life since then? I look back and all I see are the times when you were with me. Those times where I can feel your warmth, your breathing, your smiles and your laugh. Those times that are still so clear in my head yet freezes my hearts because it feels. It feels your absence, it feels the coldness of your absence. How was life since then? How would I describe it? Describe how our last moment plays in my mind. How I try hard to make it stop. How I try to erase it in my mind. How was life since then? A life with an everyday thought that I wish you were here. A life where I drown in daydreaming of the moments we could have shared. A life filled with only imaginations of our adventures; of us, reaching our gials; of us, celebrating life together. How was life since then? A life that felt so unreal when the memories flashes back. A life so real because I wake up and know you aren't here anymore. A life full of "I wish" and "If you were here", because life would have been so much better if I have you with me.
And then your face, in my head you were throwing that look of yours. The kind of look you give me when I am being this pessimist me. The kind of look where your eyes are so serious, but your lips with that famous smile of yours flashes as if telling me, "Everything's gonna be fine". I then remember again, that last moment with you. I remembered why you hid. Why you chose not to tell me? Why you chose not to tell us? It was not because you didnt want me to see you like that. I used to think it was the reason. I used to think that you didnt want anyone to see you suffer. Or that you didnt want anyone to see how much you changed. How you looked differently, how everything's taking a toll in your body. I've always thought that's why you kept yourself away from us but it's not. I realized that you didn't want to be the reason why we would question God. You didnt want us to see you because you never want to be the reason why we would stop living, stop trying. You wanted to show us that you were fighting. That you will keep trying, you will fight to live. You wanted us to remember you way before all this happened. You wanted us to remember your smile, your bubbly self, your unwavering faith in God, you fighting spirit - everything good in you.
But I've always thought, "How?". How are we supposed to do that? How can we accept that we would never be able to be with you? How are we going to forget? How am I going to forget? Forget how you said, "I am tired", while you are looking at me as if pleading that I let you go. How could I? How could I forget that? Because I badly want to. I badly want to forget the day, for the first time, that we were on a different page. You didn't want to try, you are tired. And I keep pushing you, I keep telling you to try. And here I am now, thinking how selfish I was. To ask you that much. I was so selfish because I was so scared of losing you. I was so selfish because I wasn't ready to lose you. I was so scared because I wanted you to be with me always. I was so selfish that I forgot about you.
I forgot about you. I forgot it was you who was hurting. It was you who was suffering. I forgot how you are doing everything to fight not to hurt us, even when you're badly in pain already. I forgot about you, I forgot that this is your battle. I forgot that it's you who has to undergo all this excruciating tests and everything else they do to you so you will be okay again. I forgot how you set aside yourself because you don't want to make us worry so much. I forgot how you take time to be with us because we need you. I forgot how tiring it must have been for you to play dumb at times and pretend nothing hurts. I forgot how you suck up all the pain because you wanted to fight for us. I forgot how you, even when you're weak, still gives us the support and comfort we need specially in times that we're not okay. I forgot about you and I am sorry. I will be forever sorry for forgetting how much you were already fighting for us. And I will forever remember how you showed us love through this ordeal.
And it hit me. How could I make it up to you? How could I make all your suffering and pain worth it? How could I make you see that what you went through is for nothing? I gathered up all the remaining logic in my head after saying my last goodbye to you. I didn't want your memories to be filled with sadness. I want you to look down on us and see that you gave us the most wonderful gift - the gift of life. The gift to live more, to do whatever it takes to live life for you. I wanted you to see that your absence don't make us stop but it pushes us to reach for the dreams we once built together. I want you to see that I live my life as if you are still here.
So how is life since then? I get days like this where sadness visits me first when I met you. I still have my "I wish you were here" moments that turns into vivid imaginations of what life would have been like if you are here. I sometimes find myself playing pretend. Pretending that you are here and what we are doing and what it be like to have your crazy ass around all the time. But more than that life since then has never been easy. I sometimes wish you were here badly. In my lowest and darkest days, I wish you were here. I imagine myself going to you, crying my heart out. I am vulnerable around you, I do not have to pretend I am strong when I am not. In my happy days, I think of you. I imagine you up there smiling and saying, "I told you everything's gonna be fine". I always imagine your smile, a smile showing you are proud of me and a smile that is showing you are happy. I imagine you so at peace.
How's life after death? I have to admit losing you was so damn hard. If someone asks me if I have moved on and accepted the fact that you are not here anymore, I won't give an answer. I don't like rubbing it more in my face that you are gone. Yes, maybe you are physically but you are with us, you are deep within us. The memories, most specially your love, we have it with us every single day. I have stopped asking God why He took you away from us. Because I realized He saved you. I do not question Him why He took you so suddenly. Because I realized you've already done what He have planned for you. And it is to give us more reason to live life and believe in Him. Believe that He has taken you into a place where no one else can hurt you. A place where nothing will ever hurt in you.
And now it's my turn to give you my gift. A gift that will never be visible in human eyes but is visible through our hearts. I am giving you the gift of life. That in this world, you will always exist. That in my everyday life, you are in it. I want you to look down and never have regret. I want you to be able to realize that you've done enough, you've given your best. This is all I can give. This is what I want to give. I will hold you close in my heart and you will always be a part of me. Whatever happens to me, you will be a part of it. I'll reach for our goals, will do our adventures and you will be in all of it. I want you to know that we're doing good. I want you to never blame yourself for whatever happened to us since you said goodbye. It was us mourning. You fought your battle. You fought it hard for us as well. Now it's time for us to fight our battle, to fight it for you now. And when the time comes that we'll reunite again, we'll sit down and talk about this life together. We'll tell stories as if we've always been together. We'll share the moments as if we are together through it. One day, we'll do a new lifetime where we'll spend everything together again.
So how's life after death? Not easy but I am hopeful. I have angels hovering over me at all times. I have angels that gave me reasons to not lose hope. I have angels that I have to spend my life with. I have angels that look over me. This is life after death. A chance to keep people where they should be, not just as memories but as angels that will always be with you. Angels sent by God to help you through life. Angels that will see you make if through. Angels that will show you love, of hope and new beginnings. Angels that will help you grow. Angels that will help you fly and soar high in this lifetime of yours.
You and everyone else that is up there will remain in my heart. It is your home. It is where you will always belong.