Life Buoy

Info

It's as if you have so many things to talk with him: so many dreams, so many goals, so many plan of adventures wherein he exists and one with you. Your world is his world. The sky you look upon is exactly the same as his and the star you always pray to at night, as if you're still that naive child of the past century, is the sun guiding him across the globe. And yet, no single word from your lips because you fear talking to him. You fear that he will find them uninteresting, that he's into some other girl and you're no longer part of his life.

What if he hates you?

What if he doesn't even want to hear your name? It's why you choose to just look at his profile every night instead of talk. Even if you're dying to hear his voice, his story today, his feelings. Only your fingers moving on the pad to the scroll, looking at his past photos uploaded, past statuses and try hard to feel his presence there. It's getting hard to breathe because you know he was your 'buoy,'but you lost your buoy.

It's three o'clock in the morning and you're still waiting for him to talk to you but it's pointless, he will never do this. So up until this hour, everybody keeps asking why. And the real reason, is you wait for him to go online, through this you're able to feel him. At least, he's there. You're still connected by that little green dot. And you feel relieve, in some way. Almost in tears, smiling. And regretting.

You got nothing to carry in your hands, nothing to hope for. Where are you now? Does your future seem dark? Yes, it is. It was bright a moment ago when he was still into you. When he was enjoying your company over the phone. Then, you woke up from that dream. And realized you lost him because you pushed him away.

You knew it was for the best.

Because he can no more play the role of a good boy friend to you. You hate making things hard for him. You know you love him this much because you feel how much he's in love with his job. Apparently, it's his priority.

You played second, no I mean, none without him meaning it.

When will you talk to him? You don't know. Until when are you going to eat your words, munch the I love yous, sip I miss yous? So bad that you're already full to the point you choke everyday, and the first time you act fine is in front of your father asking if you're all happy.

How painful, love is.

It's sickening, right?

You despise it today, but love it later.

You curse the day you fell in love, grateful to God next.

So you put your words in a love letter that no one in this world will read. You compose poems, essays, quotes and sad love stories with only him as the main character and you the antagonist. Or for each letter, it's his face running inside your mind. You can't stop making them, a lot because there's so much to say! All korean dramas rolled into one. Everyday, you reread and don't get tired of them since it's your heart speaking directly to you, shaking you up with the reality and reflecting of how much of a scaredy-cat you are.

Well, you like sheep so you prefer this one.

And then it's time to sleep off your cries, putting on your earphones, playing songs you've always wanted to sing for him despite the crowd. You got no insomnia but you always try to have one. You want to drift from the world killing you slow, but you can't seem to because he's wide awake in your sleep. As if he's looking at you.

Very soon poor girl, you will knock him off through your dream.

With love upon your shoulders, kissing and melting you like marshies in your cup of hot chocolate drink. He's inviting you with sweets, and warmth. You pulled now the sheets.