LIGHT SHOWS THE WAY
Darkness hides it
RITU SIDDHARTH
Mrs.Sheela Vishwanath thought her daughter needed a change of atmosphere . So Koushalya was getting started to go to Bangalore to her sister’s house.
She got a seat without difficulty. 20 minutes later Hemant Kumar boarded the same bus, glanced at her ,went past her without showing sign of recognizing her, and seated himself 3 rows from hers, near the window. Six months ago they were very good friends , close enough to be called lovers.
Koushalya rose to check her bag in the holder above. She knew it was ok but wanted to have another look at him; He was looking out of the window .Soon passengers started moving in and blocked her view. Must she go to him and say hello? ..May be he would not like it. Creating a scene in the bus would not be appreciated.
She must have dozed off…Hem tapped her on her shoulder, asked her to shift and sat beside her….Madam, ticket..the conductor roused her. The seat next to her was empty.
Hemant and Koushalya had been to each other’s house.. they were liked and accepted on both sides.
August 10. Hemant’s birthday .She wanted to go to Kuch Kuch Hota Hay..he wanted to go to Poovellam Un Vasam . After much debate they went to kkhh. In the break she wanted coca cola, he insisted on maaza,that soon flared up into an argument. The argument continued after the movie ; he seemed snappish after that. “Good bye”, he said, when he dropped her in her house. “Happy birthday again Hem”,she said joyously ,he did not heed.
Such a trivial ,stupid matter… and they broke, she thought , looking out of the window.
“He avoids me, ma”, she told her mom a week ago.
“Why?” her mom asked. Mrs. Sheela married her father Vishwanath 21 yrs ago.. She still had high regards for love marriages.
“He didn’t give any reason….When I wish him he just leaves as if he didn’t hear or didn’t see me”, she said in tears. “What shall I do , ma?”her voice was broken.
Mrs. Sheela was distressed to see her daughter suffer in silence.
“Go to Krishna’s shrine ; he will guide you, have faith”, she said in the hope of bringing respite to her daughter.
In the temple Kaushalya prayed, “ I don’t know if I ‘m wise or a fool,….intelligent or a moron,…I loved him with all my heart ….I thought he too did….Now why this repulsion ,God?...Give me the strength to face it or set it right ,please ….You know the best”.
Finally Mrs. Sheela and Mr. Vishwanath decided to send her to her sister. Her sister Meenakshi was married to Mr. Chandrakanth, a business man from Mysore state.
It was 5 hr journey to Bangalore.2hrs later they stopped for lunch. She ate from the the packet she carried from home. She could see him fiddle with a cup, probably tea , in the stall , smoked a cigarette and boarded the bus .He must be hungry. Should she give him the other packet , she thought; she would have loved to.
His thoughts were nagging her. “I don’t want to talk to you, don’t you understand?”he said , the last time she tried to speak to him. She felt herself split into two.
She did not know why she loved him so madly. The only way to forget him was to dislike him. She focused on his shortcomings.
‘Now make a list’, she told herself.
1. He is short ..you like tall man.
2. He has curly hair, you like straight hair.
3. He smokes. Does n’t matter as long as he does not smoke too much.
4. He is very short tempered, you like balanced people.
5. He sticks to his decisions even when they are wrong .
6. His expressions are limited, you are better.
7. His family financial conditions are definitely lower than yours.
8. He is very selfish, you are not.
9. Whatever he does , he wants it to be made known to others almost immediately, a bragger .You are modest.
`But I love him still’, she dropped her head into her hands. The bus hooted , bringing her to her senses.
Hemant Kumar joined duty in Jonathan Company in Bangalore. He got a house for rental in Marvel Gardens. It was a 2 roomed flat with a small kitchen…enough for a bachelor, the flat adjoined the main road .He had moved in with big appliances , to shift to another site in the near future would be expensive and cumbersome, he did not know then his rival’s house was close by.
A week later Koushalya joined in the same center. She spotted him in the canteen, one day; what is he doing here , she thought.
“Can I get a job in any company other than Jonathan’s ?”she asked her brother in law.
“No ma, I got this job with difficulty. Why, is the work heavy”? he asked. “Not exactly…It’s not comfortable for ladies to work there”, she managed to get a lie.
“I have n’t heard of such complaints before from this company”, he said with doubt.
“OK ,I ‘ll manage”, she had to manipulate again.
In the office she asked the GM, “Can I get a transfer to any branch in the city ,sir?”
“No, this is the main branch ,we need a receptionist here” ,he said. Koushalya had no choice but to stay. But she felt a strange happiness to be there.
The last day of the month..5pm..pay disbursal time .85% gathered in the hall near the GM ‘s room, Hem and koushalya included. Hem received his pay in an envelope, signed in the acquittance register, turned and collided with Koushalya..
“Sorry”, she said.
“Can’t you see, I ‘ve to leave before you enter, stupid ,useless dunce ,whoever wanted you here “, he rattled off, not bothering to see he was drawing attention.
“Sorry sir ,”she repeated and moved aside. He left with a scowl. So , she followed him to this place , the ghoul , he thought.
“Use the company transport , Koushi, that ‘ll be easy for you”, Mr. Virendra said.
“OK “, was her short reply. She understood it was tedious and petrol consuming to go to her end and leave for his office in the opposite direction. It was 5 minute walk to the main road she had to cover to reach her stop.
Koushalya took care to avoid Hem in the canteen, pay section ,transport or the exit..
She began to like her work. She had to be at the reception from 8am -6pm… with breaks for lunch ,tea etc .She adjusted work with another receptionist during emergent times.
Ashok ,a draughtsman ,who had put in 5 yrs service in the company took a liking for Koushalya, the day she joined the company. Ashok and she soon became friends.
It was Saturday. Koushalya had taken off for her sister’s wedding anniversary. The 3 went to Ram temple in the evening ; decided to have icecream. “This icecream parlor is famous in this area”,Mr .Virendra said. “I don’t want “, her sister refused. “I want ”, Koushalya said excitedly. Meenakshi sat relaxed as her husband brought 2 large containers of butterscotch, while Koushi rocked impatiently in her chair. He had just started when his elbow tilted his cream and it fell on the floor. “Oh!”exclaimed Meenakshi and her sister in chorus. “Huh! Let it go”, Virendra said. “O,we can share Viru”, insisted Koushi. Both were sharing when the company cab stopped to drop the workers. Just then a gust of wind blew the girl’s dupatta over Virendra’s face . That seemed comical to Koushi,she threw back her head and laughed. “Hey, careful ,don’t drop your ice also”, he said, handing over the loose end of the dupatta. Hem was watching the whole event as he stepped out of the cab . “Shameless”, he muttered, turning his face away.
The next day he saw her and Ashok sharing their tiffin box. He waited till she came to the wash basin. “Shameless”, he said aloud. Koushialya understood it was directed to her..he could have washed first and gone ,but he waited for her to come over. “Chi”, he insulted her again. She gave him a frowned look.
Next week he did the same..waited for her near the sink. “Bitchy”, he muttered and pushed his way to the faucet just as she reached it.
“Can’t you see I’m washing,…shameless people don’t have sense”, his provocation was intentional . “Mind your language, sir”, she said angrily.
“I know what I’m saying...sharing ice in one container with a man and flirting in the office with another man, shameless !”
“What ‘s it to you”, she retorted.
“Nothing at all ! I just meant such people have very little manners”,
“Yes ,keep your good manners safe, sir”, said she ,gritting her teeth and walked back to her seat.
“Friction again?” asked Ashok amused. She did not reply.
“Ignore it ;he’s gone mad”,Ashok said.
6.10pm. Ashok and Koushi were going down the steps ,her heel slipped,she moved forward with flaying arms. Ashok was in time to hold her from falling down the stairs..she could have broken bones in the fall. Hem was following them some distance behind, rushed past Ashok. “Can’t you move,swine !”he said. “You can see very well I’m holding her from falling, she has sprained her ankle”, Ashok tried to explain. “Yes, yes I’ve been watching…wanting to hold a woman at some pretext..” ,he growled and glanced at Koushalya who was just recovering from shock.
September..rainy season had started. Koushalya had forgotten her umbrella that day. It was still raining hard in the evening. Their stop arrived. Hem who got down, watched her scurry in the rain ;her dress dripping wet and he had a strange sense of satisfaction to see her in that helpless condition.
The next day she did not turn up for work .She had phoned Ashok to inform the GM of her inability to come. “Yes I’ll inform… How ‘re you?... Take care ,..wish you get well soon”, Ashok spoke to her. That evening Ashok went to her house to see the gravity of the situation .While he returned Hem saw his scooter and identified him .So ,he had been to that girl’s place ,he thought.
In the office Ashok kept close to Koushalya and assisted her when she swaggered.
2 days later , “O my god ! I forgot my lunch bag and umbrella in the reception !”she exclaimed. “Take mine”, Ashok said from the other row. “It’s alright I can manage”, she opened the cab door to step out. “Wait Koushi”, Ashok called, following her quickly. “Then I’ll have to come with you to your house ..I don’t want to come to your house again to see you ill”,he said slipping his arm round her shoulder. She took his umbrella. “Hm, that’s a good girl”, he smiled. Hem gnashed his teeth.
One year passed ,Koushalya was hardly aware of the time . Ashok is getting married to Koushalya…a talk went round the office, Hem heard it too.
“Are they engaged? Hem asked Naresh who shared his room in the office. “I’m not sure ,but it appears he’ll soon, if it’s not done already”, he replied. Hem was visibly annoyed, he threw his papers and hit the keyboard hard on every letter.
Monday seemed too far away to Hemant Kumar.
“Are you going to marry Koushalya?”Hem asked Ashok.
“Why? ..Yes.”
“Did you ask her?”
“Yes”.
“Did she agree?”
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“Did she say she loves you?”
“Her movements are clear enough”.
“You know she had a love affair earlier; it collapsed?”
“She spoke sometimes about it”.
“You know whom she loved?”his voice was increasing in decibels, his breath more rapid and audible.
“She didn’t give the name , and I’m not interested in who the ass is..We both are moving very well. I’ll give you the invitation when the date is fixed ,sir’, Ashok said.
“You know Koushi loved me before she joined here?”
“So what? You broke. Now you have no control over her”, he argued.
Hem saw the logic , could not disagree.
“We spent time very close …often”.
“I accept her with her flaws and past”, Ashok said with magnanimity. “You’re just jealous, I can see that I your eyes”, he said and walked away.
Hem rubbed his nose ,looked out of the window , speechless. He returned to his seat unable to focus.
At 4pm he was sipping tea in his flat, smoking and pondering. It was wet outside with a shower of rain. He thought of the moments they were together. He could have given her his umbrella before Ashok volunteered to help her….
The next day was Sunday. Hem went to his senior to ask for advice.
“My friend is in trouble. His ex girl friend is moving with a man and they’re going to get married soon…my friend is in distress”, he concluded. Mr.Amanulla, the senior, heard through the story.
“Your friend seems to be in a state of jealousy more than love. His ego seems to have played a big and vital role in the separation’, he said. Hem nodded in agreement.
“What I feel is ,if your friend has any love left for his ex girl , he should approach her without ego, apologize, and try to revive his relation”. They talked further for ½ hr. “Hope your friend’s successful,but I think the girl’s safe with the other guy”, he concluded. Hem’s face darkened.
“ I’ll take leave now , sir; I’ll carry your advice ,let’s see what happens”, he said as he passed through the door.
Koushalya was arranging files in the reception when Hem addressed her, “Koushi are you alright?You w’re not well few days ago”..he spoke in subdued tone. “Yes”, her answer was brief. She continued to arrange the files without giving much attention to him. He lingered a while longer. “You want something ,sir?”she asked as a dutiful receptionist. “Can you spare few minutes after the office hour? I need to talk to you”.
“Why? There is no need …If it’s about office you talk now…I can’t wait because Ashok wont like to wait long”.
“I wont take long,…will you?”,he asked again, unsure if she would still give a negative reply.
“Ok”, she nodded.
Ashok asked, “Do you want me to come with you?”, when she told she was going to meet Hem.
“He wants a personal talk, I think”, she said.
“Ok ,I’ll wait in the reception”, he said
Hem signaled to the peon he needed the room for some time.
“Have coffee”, he said , as the office boy poured out 2 cups from the flask. She accepted in silence.
“Koushi, I’m very sorry for what passed between you and me in last 1 ½ yrs. I was too obstinate”, he paused, his forehead creased… “I behaved in very uncivilized manner and hurt you many times. I’m sorry”, he said, extending his hand to reach hers. She withdrew immediately. The pain was visible on his face.
“I heard you’re getting married to Ashok…..I….er…I want you in my life, Koushi..I’d be finished without you…I realized when you were taken away by Ashok ..I missed you”. There no response from her. She sat stone faced.
“I waited long enough”, words just rolled .
“You don’t believe it , right?”,he asked.
“Yes I don’t believe it , one can see the real face once the mask falls off”, she said with bitterness.
“Ok , there is no point talking or explaining further. Thank you. You gave me your time ..Ashok must be waiting”, he finished.
“Get married to somebody, and for God’s sake keep her happy’, she said with contempt.
She noticed his eyes flooded and wished she had not been so rude. She walked away without further word. He remained seated , looking into the direction she walked.
Hem had smoked 3 cigarettes when office boy asked, “Work over sir?”,meaning to lock the door. Hem rose slowly, collected his bag, walked out of the office to hail a taxi.
Koushalya pondered deeply till her head ached. She did not want to make a decision without consulting Ashok. They discussed the matter for 2 days in the free time in the office.
Hem was reclining in his chair when he heard a knock. Some time elapsed before he lazily reached the door. He was surprised to see Koushalya half turned to leave, having found no response at the door.
“Do come in”, his voice carried all the surprise. She scanned the room as she walked in. Things were on the floor as if a hurricane had passed through the house. She picked up a few things she could and placed them on the table .
“What will you have?” he asked.
“Do you cook?” was her doubt.
“No. I can get from the hotel”, he told.
“No need”, she said.
“How’re you?” there was concern in his voice.
“I’m alright ,as you can see”, she said.
“Yes I can see that”, it was a subdued tone. “You have something to say?”he asked in doubt.
“Yes”, she said. A pause..she studied her nails ,then spoke, “I thought over what you said. It’s true, men’re narrow-minded…they exhibit their venom sometime when a time comes…I discussed with Ashok,he said he is not in serious love with me but would not mind a wife like me…So I thought I would n’t be hurting him if I changed my idea about my marriage”.
“ What do you want to say?”he was confused.
“Can I have something to drink?’, she asked.
“Water or something hot?”,he looked at her.
“You tell me where it is ,I’ll get it myself “,she rose. He saw the old Koushi he had known 2yrs ago. She went up to the filter, he followed her. She filled a tumbler and began to drink. He watched her throat move with every gulp, watched her hand as it moved to place the tumbler on the dining table.
She picked up a magazine, flipped the pages and put it back without interest.
“Want anything ?”, he asked.
“Have you changed your mind about me?”she held her gaze on him.
“Can you be more clear?”,he had his uncertainty.
“You said you are finished when I married another man…Can I believe it’s true?”.
“Yes ,by God”, he said feeling disgusted with himself at his earlier folly.
“Do you want to marry me?” she asked. He looked into her eyes as she said this.
“I asked you something …I need an answer”, she insisted.
“Yes”,he said ,his face still wearing that worried crease.
She asked, “You want YES from me?”.
“Yes ,I ‘d be happy if it’s yes from you”.
“Then take it..It’s YES”.
“What about Ashok?”
“I spoke to him…he’s n’t very serious about marriage now”.
“What’s your answer?”
“It’s yes and Ok”.
He searched her eyes ,still doubting if she really meant it. She smiled …the same old smile when she was close to him 2 yrs ago.
“Koushalya”,his voice was muffled. He took her in his arms .I missed you so much…You wont know what I underwent these days, he spoke over her face and hugged her like a soldier meeting his bride the first time after the war.
“You’re hurting me”, she said against his mouth. He had bitten her lower lip.
“I’m sorry Koushal”. His body shook under the sudden surge of hormone , adrenaline and nicotine. She could not free herself immediately.
“I’m sorry for this’, he said touching the wound on her lip.
“I should n’t have come “, she winced.
“I’m very sorry”, he repeated.
‘Hope you’ll not change your mind”, she wanted to confirm.
“O Koushi, not again”, he pleaded.
“Ok ,I trust you”, she said, brushing aside his hair on his forehead.
He held her hand .She felt his hand shake. “It’s alright sweetheart,everything should be OK now..don’t you think so?”she added. He drew her close.” “O not again”,she tried to move away, but noted the disappointment on his face.
He wished she had stayed longer. He felt thirsty; he tried to drink from the tumbler Koushalya used.His hand shook miserably that water spilled out. Gradually he began to feel queer. He had no mind to eat. Instead he smoked till 10pm. He realized there was no coordination in his movements ,his vision was not clear,his hearing too was impaired.
11pm. He thought he should consult the doctor in the neighborhood .
Dr.Niranjan finished seeing his last patient, was getting ready to leave. Hem limped into his clinic. “O,I was just leaving….ok ,what’s your difficulty?”,doctor asked, running his eye on Hem. “I’m feeling queer, I never felt like this before”, Hem answered. “OK ,let’s see”, Dr.Niranjan started his medical procedure,
asked a few questions, and wrote on the pad..
Hemant Kumar 25yrs male
Poor dietetic history; heavy smoker; drinks occasionally.
Drowsy but oriented, ataxic gait, generalized edema, severely anemic , symptoms and signs of vit B,C,K seen , tachypnic , orthopnic, pulse 135,irregular, bp:90/50 mmhg, cranial nerves N, muscle tone diminished, power 3/5, cvs: systolic murmur all over precordium, rs: scattered rales all over lung fields ,abd: liv spl , palpable,soft,
Imp:CCF
Treated with Inj Lasix 2 amps,
inj deriphylline 1 amp both iv
Advised admission,
Referred by Dr.Niranjan MD.
Hem was admitted to ICU.
“I’m hospitalized. Doctors have n’t told me about my ailment or condition. They want to speak to my relatives and want someone by my side”, he phoned Mr.Amanulla.
“Sorry Koushi to phone at this hour .Can you come over to Victoria Hospital in the morning at 7?”He spoke to her.
“Why ?” she asked.
“Just wish…will you?..calling off ”.It was brief and confusing.
When she reached the hospital, she found him unconscious, face bloated, his breathing strained, his chest heaving and lower jaw opened and closed with every breath..this was called jaw breathing by doctors. O2 was on, drip was on flow ,6 drops/minute.
She was shocked. Did he attempt suicide? Suddenly she panicked. She spoke to the doctor. “He was drowsy when he came..he’s grossly anemic with severe vitamin deficiency..his heart is unable to cope up with the extra load of water , and it has spilled into his lungs , so he has difficulty in breathing. At the moment he is very serious, in 2 days he’ll be better. He has been smoking a good deal … high nicotine level in blood…he must have been drinking also without taking proper food”, doctor gave her a briefing.
She phoned ,informed his parents and stayed by his side the whole day.
Ashok and office workers visited him in batches.
He regained consciousness that night..he found her dozing ,holding his hand.
She woke up with a start when he tried to clasp her hand in weak grip.
“Hem”,she passed her hand over his face bending over him, “Why this?”was all she could pronounce aloud, the rest tapered off into the lump in her throat. Tears dripped rapidly on his face.
“No, …don’t ….I’m sorry”, he said weakly under the oxygen mask.
“Go home ,…hospital workers’ll take care”, he signaled , as disrupting oxygen worsened his breathing.
6.30pm….7…7.30. Mr.Virendra began to worry. He contacted and learnt Koushalya was in Victoria hospital. In 10 mins he traced her. “What’re you doing here, you silly girl? We w’re so upset you know ? now come along”, he commanded. “I can’t come”, she replied . “Why? ”,was his natural question. “Hemant is hospitalized here”, she replied. “So! What is it to you? the hospital will take care of him ….now you come along without a word”, he was getting impatient. “ No I can’t…He’s dying, let me stay…”, she broke off into sobs. “What’s he to you? now you come”, he was visibly annoyed. Mr.Virendra contacted her father and told him of her . “That Hemant ! Yes …she liked him ,,something went between them …they were not in good terms…Is he ill? ….Ok we’ll come tomorrow …leave her if she is adamant”, that was her father. So Mr.Virendra left without her….so , she is in love ! she never told us , he thought, as he retreated.
Packed cell (blood) was infused around 10. His parents arrived at 2am.Koushi told them what she knew of the case. They got further clarification from the doctor. Investigations were on throughout the night. His blood creatinine was high. “Hope he does n’t go into renal failure”, the doctor was apprehensive .His father collapsed into the bench on hearing this. The doctor then decided not to disclose anything before knowing the mental strength.
The next day Koushlya’s parents arrived .Koushalya flung herself on them and sobbed, “Ma,he is so critical, I can’t stand it”. “Stay calm child ,he’d surely be ok ,have faith in HIM”, her father comforted her. The two families then exchanged their apprehensions and kind words. “Nice of you sir to have overlooked my son’s behavior”, Mr.Markandey , Hemant’s dad ,said.
4 days later, Hem was much better . His face looked sapped out ,though ,due to high diuretics. His breathing was even and noiseless. His O2 and drip sets were removed; he could move his limbs freely now.
Koushalya agreed to go for work ; Hem grabbed her hand when she came in the evening ,unmindful of his parents. “Will you stay close? In case I die suddenly I want you to stay by me”, he said . “No ,don’t speak like that; you’ll be Ok”, she comforted him. “Becoming OK without you, I don’t want…I’d rather die here, now”, he said with emotion. His mother turned away her face to hide her anguish.
“You get well first ,sweetheart, then I’m yours,whole ..total”, she said placing her hand on his chest. “Promise me !”
“Yes ,promise”, she said placing her hand on her head.
“No, swear on ME ”, he insisted , like a boy.
“Don’t be so stubborn dear”, she begged. “Now I must go..it’s 8.30.It’s not safe to be out late ,no? Now shall I go?’ she asked for his permission. “Hmm”, he nodded looking away. She took leave of his parents.
He was discharged 2 days later, advised 10 days’ rest.
Hem rejoined his post in the company a new man .He personally went to Ashok and thanked him for his magnanimity .He felt good …felt a new light in him ,……a new man…. felt complete.
Concluded.