Ten Years After Our Marriage…
It was Saturday. Our son Ronny was out for a picnic from school. My wife, Rebecca, was a teacher at school and I worked as an employee at SBI. Since it was Saturday, Rebecca and I, both were on leave. Past few months, I had been having an affair with my colleague, her name was Julie. She was good looking and sexy young female. I used to make excuses of work to Rebecca to spend much of my time with Julie. After a couple of months, Julie told me that she wanted to marry me and for that I had to divorce my wife. She insisted me to divorce Rebecca. On her saying I had prepared the divorce papers but couldn’t pile up courage to talk to my wife about it. Rebecca was getting the dinner ready; I silently went into the kitchen and stood next to her. She smiled at me, she didn’t know that a storm was approaching to her beyond this silence. I took a deep breath and determined to talk to her. I said,
“Rebecca… Do you know Julie? She’s co-worker at bank.”
“Yes.” she said.
I continued, stammering, “I… I am in love with her. And… I want to divorce you…. Dear, I love you, too. But.. now it’s fading.. you know.. like… she has found space for herself in my heart. And we both wish to marry now. I had an affair with her past..... past few months but hid it from you…” I thought I'd spoken too much and I stopped. She was startled, she looked at me with eyes full of questions, but she didn’t utter a word in the beginning. She kept staring at me, but I avoided eye contact with her. My conscience told me that what I was doing to Rebecca was wrong, but for Julie, I felt I was right. Rebecca collapsed on the floor and began crying bitterly. The tears she shed for me were true, since we had fifteen long years of togetherness and now it was about to break. I wanted to stop her from crying, I wanted to wipe off her tears, but I didn’t. For the first time in my life I had left her alone while she cried. I regretted, I skipped my dinner and went to sleep. That night, she didn’t come to sleep next to me...
Next morning, I woke up to find a note on my bedside table which read,
“My happiness lies in what you feel makes you happy. You feel you will be happy after divorcing me then go ahead. You shall be free from the entire burden you get because of me. My only request to you is to pretend to be same as before at least in front of our son. Please.”
I went to the kitchen to look for her, she wasn’t there. Hot brewed coffee and breakfast was ready on the table. I came back to my room and she entered from the balcony. Without looking at me or without even uttering a word, she walked out of the bedroom.
After lunch, I went to her with the divorce papers. She looked at me, she was in a great fix. Maybe she wondered how I had prepared the papers so early or maybe she was sad because things were going too fast. But her silence was enough to tell me that she didn't need an answer. She sighed and quietly signed the papers. I went into my room with a heavy heart. Today again my conscience pricked me. I called Julie and updated her with the news that Rebecca had signed the papers. Julie seemed to be extremely happy, she asked me for coffee in the evening but I denied. I was in deep thoughts; I was mystified by how Rebecca signed divorce papers so easily. Never till date had she allowed me do anything wrong, but today, she knew I was wrong, yet she didn’t argue. Was it so easy for her to draw the signature of my surname? Did she like someone else and was waiting for a divorce, too? Did she have an affair with someone just as I had with Julie? If yes, then why had she cried for me last night? If she had truly cried for me, how and why did she sign today without refusing? What did her silence mean? Did she not feel like talking to me about it? Hundreds of questions rushed my mind. I was stressed; I closed my eyes and took a short nap. My son woke me up in the evening saying,
“Dad, let’s go out, please.”
“Go ask your mumma…” I answered.
“Daddy, let’s go na, please. Mom told to ask you, so I came. Please dad, let’s go. Please, please, please.” He continued until I got off the bed.
At around 05.00 p.m. we had left for Mc Donald’s, Rebecca's and our son’s favorite food spot. My wife was driving; when we reached, I and my son got off the car and waited near the gate as Rebecca was supposed to park it. The signal was red, maybe she was unaware about it, she took a left turn and a Volvo bus arriving from the opposite side hit the driver's side of the car. I froze, shivers ran down my spine. I wasn’t able to believe my eyes of what had just happened. Crowd gathered within few seconds after the accident. I didn’t realize when my son had left my hand and ran for his mom. Couple of minutes later, I moved ahead in hurry and went to pull Rebecca out of the car. She was bleeding and moaning in pain. She was still alive, she looked straight into my eyes and smiled at me even with that much pain. I couldn’t hear her voice, but I read her lips which said, ‘I love you.’ We rushed her to the hospital in a car of a good man who offered to help us. For the last time she was lying in my arms, but I hoped this shouldn't be the last time at all. By the time we reached the hospital, her chances of being saved reduced; her heart beats stopped, her body began to feel cold and pale. I screamed, 'Rebecca! Rebecca, open your eyes, baby, please. You're fine, you can't leave! Please!' but she didn't answer. She was declared dead by the doctors at the hospital; dejected, I and my son came back home. My son was crying, he had even refused to eat anything, he cried himself to sleep.
I wanted to kill myself, I was regretting for all that happened in these two days. In fact, I regretted for even falling in love with Julie. Losing my wife built in me a wild anger towards Julie. It was a sleepless night for me. I thought about the accident, 'How could it happen that she didn’t watch the signal? At every signal from home till Mc Donald’s she drove well; just the signal near parking…. That was the only place where she had mistaken. Or did she do it on purpose? How did it even happen to be an accident? Who was that bus driver? Did he not see the car in middle of the way? Couldn’t he stop the bus? Why?’ Much of the time I kept thinking ‘Did she do that on purpose? Because she used to say, “I cannot live without you.” Was she trying to prove that her statement was true? Had she pre-planned this accident before? Or did she mean she would be committing suicide or something? Now I feel why she said, “YOU SHALL BE FREE FROM THE ENTIRE BURDEN YOU GET BECAUSE OF ME." '
I hadn’t informed about the accident to Julie, but she had come to know about it from don’t know where. The next day morning, after my wife’s funeral, Julie arrived at my place in the afternoon. She seemed to be happy now compared to morning where she shed crocodile tears. Obviously they were crocodile tears because she wanted Rebecca to get out of the way anyhow. I suspected her for a while that she was the culprit of the accident.
“Now the main problem is out of our way forever. Finally, we can marry and live happily together!” She exclaimed in joy. I lost my temper as I heard her words; I couldn’t control myself when she continued, “Leave her son to the orphanage, we shall bring up our own kids.” I slapped her as hard as possible and said, “Just because of you I lost my beloved wife. Hate you, b***h! Just shut your mouth and get out of my life. I must have sinned 1000 times just by divorcing my one beloved wife and I've lost her today, forever. Just F*** Off…! Out of my sights! Now!” I yelled. She looked at me angrily, with tears in her eyes; who knew it would be the same crocodile tears again? Who cares...
I missed my wife, my Rebecca. The only one who understood me well. She was the one who loved me, gave me all the love that I needed. It was me who was insane to leave her. Now I regret when I think of it. I sent my at my mother’s home to stay with her for a few weeks, because he needed a woman who would take care of him just like his mother did. I was alone and had another sleepless night. I took a nap for an hour next morning. I woke up and after getting fresh I went to the kitchen. Today the table was empty. Now there was no one who would keep hot coffee and breakfast ready for me. I had to prepare my breakfast all by myself. I went up to the coffee jar and as I opened it, I found a freshly folded letter hidden in it. It was written in Rebecca's beautiful handwriting. With a gentle smile, I opened the letter. But my smile didn’t last longer as I continued reading each line-
Dear Raymond,
Please don’t cry as you read this letter because I may not be there to wipe off your tears. I want to confess something really important over here. Well, I wanted to talk about it to you rather than writing it down because I have a lot to speak and I cannot sit and write that much on this small sheet of paper. But, since you’re asleep now, I better write as much as I can.
I still remember the first time we met. For almost two years you tried to impress me and kept proposing me but I always had a ‘No’ Then, day by day, gradually, I realized that I too had the same feelings for you as you had for me. I know you had been very patient, kind and loving o me that time. I decided and I said a ‘Yes.’ Since then it was a wonderful journey with you. All the amazing days I spent with you were one of the most mesmerizing days of my life. Our 15 years of relationship, where Ten years we remained a Happily Married Couple. We tied a knot together, promised an entire lifetime together, but today there’s a knot in between. Thank you for all the love you gave me all these years. I was lucky to have you in my life. Now it’s someone else who’s getting lucky. You gave me much more love than I deserved. I never once felt judged by you. Maybe I lacked in giving back the love which you needed, and gradually you felt attracted to another woman. I do not blame you because it isn’t your fault; maybe I was unable to satisfy you completely. And it’s rightly said, ‘When there’s no love found in the home, people look for it outside in the world.’ You did the same. But I tell you, Raymond, you may not find such love anywhere out in the world. Dear, no other girl would ever love you as I did. I’m not boasting, but, that’s what I feel. So quickly you told me about your affair, the divorce and just within few hours you got the papers ready. I was in a big shock, but after thinking over it a lot, I thought to leave you on your own since you seemed to be happy with your decision. Do take care of our son, he’s the symbol of our Love.
Well, concerning about Julie, I have no grudge for her in my mind. May you both live happily ahead in life. Just as you left me for being with her, now don't leave her to be with someone else after her. Every evening a passenger bus passes through the Mc D’s street. An accidental suicide will look much like an accident only. If it works well, it will be claimed as an accident. No one will be blamed for it; I hope I reach there on time. Since you’re leaving me now, I quit. I think I shouldn’t burden you more by saying anything ahead. As I told, there’s a lot to talk but now there’s no time. The second reason why I preferred 'writing' over 'conversation' is because I wouldn’t be able to control my tears as I speak. Even now I am not able to stop the tears that are rolling down my cheeks; because it would be my last night with you. I wish we would spend this night together; but unfortunately…….. Never mind.
Raymond, I cannot live without you, I always loved you, I still love you and will continue to do so till my last breath. Even if you love someone else, even if you don’t love me, even if I mean nothing to you now; yet, for me, you’re my whole world. Even though I have signed those few papers, I did it just for your sake. My heart hasn't divorced you, I still take you as my husband; because I Love You. Yes, I DO...
Forever Yours,
Rebecca.
The letter ended and I felt as if my heart went in search of her soul. I was blank; I had tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. All I could see in front of my eyes were fading moments of the first time I had seen her, our marriage, and many such lovely moments which I had spent with her. All of it, my vision became blurr by my own tears as the scenes of accident came before my eyes. I remembered the last time I had seen her smile, I remembered the way she cried for me on Saturday evening. I remembered the last look she gave me from the rare view mirror and that smile while I held her close... The last time I touched her, her cold palm, the funeral... I cried and cried, bitterly until my eyes were swollen. The saying goes absolutely true, ‘You realize the true value of someone, not when they’re with you, but once they’re gone away from you forever.’ It’s now where I realize that it wasn’t me but she who had loved me with all her heart, unconditionally. It was she who loved me much more than I deserved. I failed to realize that she was worth. I had cheated her. I couldn’t be a good husband; I loved her, I missed her, with every passing moment my love was increasing for her. I went at my mom’s place. Seeing my son I remembered Rebecca’s words, 'Our son is the symbol of our Love and You should take care of him.' Ronny hugged me as I entered and I could see my wife in him. I took good care of him. Gradually he was able to get out of the sadness of losing his mother.
Today, five months have passed. Now I seem to be much like a mother-cum father to him. Now Ronny refuses to go to Mc Donald’s so whenever he wishes to have burgers we would order it. And when we missed Rebecca, we would go through the album refreshing the memories of earlier days. What about Julie? She tried to contact me for a month, but on every call and message I’d become a kind of an expert in ignoring her. I never talked to Julie since that day when I had slapped her. A few days ago I had seen Julie at the mall, she is happy strolling with another guy from neighbouring society; that's when I realize 'not all girls are like Rebecca.' Rebecca was just a sweetheart.
And honestly I tell you, I really miss My Rebecca.
I remember the first few months with her just after we had begun with out new relationship as a couple. She never used to share much about herself. She would just ask me to talk and she would keep staring into my eyes with a smile on her lips; she would quietly listen to all that I spoke.
Today, when I miss her more, I sit alone in my room and keep staring at her photos. Sometimes, I talk to her in alone. She still does the same, not speaking anything, just smiling and listening to all that I say; but just from the Photograph...
-Flavia Peter Rodrigues.
♥~♥