Best is probably an underrated word to describe how she is to you. It may sound conceited or bias but that’s the truth. Submissive, that’s how she loved and maybe that’s why you treated her less than she deserves. Lesser and lesser each and every day. Yes, you hurt her; you chose to do so to the point that you run out of excuses and your apologies are over-used, but mistakes repeated over and over again are no longer worth an apology. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry in the bathroom while covering her mouth so you can’t hear her sob? She’s jaded to that. Have you ever tried begging for some care? She’s tired of that. You caused her pain, and many is an understatement to describe the times you did it, and she has no choice but to keep it inside her for the longest time until such pain made her confused. Between hatred and love she doesn’t know where she is.
She’s sure that it is love that made her stay, but she also knows that it is hatred when she stopped chasing after you, when she stopped seeking for some attention and affection. She gave you her love but you gave her heartbreak. You shuttered her, and she picked up her own pieces. It makes her look stupid but that’s what you made out of her. You’ve made the good when you taught her how to be strong, but you made the bad when she learned to protect her own heart. She learned not to care, from those simple fights that she let slip out of your hands to not stressing herself over things she can’t change. The summer warmth of her feelings turned into winter cold. Pain froze her heart. She became like you and you lost a part of her from that time on. Sometime she feels sorry, sometimes she feels safe. Sometimes she wants to give it a try but her fear reminds her that she’d been through a lot to build her walls. She can’t just open her heart and let you break it again. She can’t take any chances of letting her guards down. Not even on those moments when you made her feel loved because she can’t afford to go back to what she was before. She’s too afraid. Afraid to love you more. She likes that she can't feel pain anymore but shes's so weary of fighting her feelings. It's mind against heart. Now she's in dilemma of which is which.