Dear Abhikant,
Before you could even leave the house I had already, reheated your tea, ironed your clothes and dusted the house. All of this before you could even get up or leave the house.
You know why am I telling you this, because I can’t do it anymore. I mean I can, or I could maybe I should, who knows. But today, as of now. I decide to not do it anymore.
You are a 30 year old man and all I expect from you is to, memorise where the things are at home, put them back at their right place. Or, to get up at least an hour before you have to leave the house, to prepare for the day. I think, You don’t want to be accustomed to these notions because I am sorry to say but, you are an obstinate man.
I know, you will tell me that it is okay don’t overwork yourself, and maybe a flinging take care. But wasn’t that our promise to each other? The basic promise that we will take care of each other, I feel is violated. You don’t like music in the house early mornings, I mean I didn’t even see that coming. I am sure that you don’t like these letters anymore because they don’t talk about how much we are in Love and how many more mornings we will see with each other. I wonder do you even read them.
I got promoted last week, It was mighty important because I have no help at home and this I thought is far from happening at least this year. No, I didn’t get any validation but within me I realized that, if you relentlessly keep struggling there is light at the end of the tunnel. You didn’t have the time to have dinner that day or hear my rehearsed speech, or sit down with a bottle of wine and we couldn’t celebrate the moment we could have. We have this one life, small life, and why can’t we celebrate everything. From dinners to watching tv together. Why is this so mundane and busy. Why celebrate an anniversary dinner when we can’t take our eyes off the phone. Why celebrate what everyone already does and is still unhappy?
This is not me ranting, this is me writing one morning to you, telling you that this can’t be a repercussion of our decision, of our deal, choice and responsibility. These feeling aren’t of Love or its ghost. I can’t allow us to feel like this. I am not this, You aren’t either.
Get the clothes from the dry cleaner on your way back, slip is in your wallet.
S.
Dearest Sneha,
I appreciate you writing to me. The tone I didn’t mind to be honest because I can imagine you wanting to wear a salwar suit but ending up thinking how you might look very Indian and then associate everything with someone trying to domesticate you, or somethings along those lines. You must have looked around and found a lot of my stuff in the house, which when I was hurriedly leaving you said will be taken care of but now, you want me to do it, I don’t know why. I would have if I could have. I was late, and Yes, I am perpetually late,Yes I was on time that day when I met you. What you should understand is- I was on time that day and can only be on time when I have to want to see you. Everything else waits for me. You don’t, that’s why I am always on time, for you.
Congratulations on the promotion, I of course knew. Your mother and I talk, Often. Why didn’t I say anything? Well firstly and honestly, because I wanted you to tell me. Which is such a surprising expectation to have because, I almost never want you to approach me for anything. Because I want to sense things and how I always fail is a -
mystery-that will go down
in-history.
You looked worried these past several days, I can't handle being alone when work is the dagger hanging on my head. And on the contrary; seclusion helps you channelise your focus to one place, and this my dear friends I don't say with just conviction I say this with Experience. You might differ and you must be right but only you can guide me there.
Sneha, stop worrying about how I was, Please. I want to see my wife, not the teenager I fell for. I know how you were when you were at 16 or 19. Allow me to know what you at 30. It’s pertinent.
How can I love you enough if I don’t even know your thoughts enough?
I might have said some hurtful things, they may seem sarcastic too and few are intended to.I am sorry, I chose the easier way of saying- this is how you are and that is experience but I this is the truth that I understand. If there is anything else to this, you have my word, I am all ears.
I like how we have started writings letters again, reminds me of all those days when I yearned for you. And through this you have moved me to realise how I worked harder to stay focussed on you, on work, my schedule, my life. I think I quenched my thirst through the struggle I made to get you. Thank you for reminding me of that!
You weren’t a deal for me Sneha. Agreed, we had some living together rules, but they shouldn’t be packaged as a deal. And as for me, I don’t want to just be a deal for you.
I will see you at home.
(Lets buy a typewriter)
A.
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To the reader, here is the link to the first part of this series Love as an equation.
'Love isn’t a deal and Love isn’t an Equation' stay with me as I unleash my thoughts to find out what it is. Stay tuned for our next feature.