Kagisa and Ichika
Before Damo was discharged, I visited everyday again. I would bring his favorite flowers, coffee, games, clothes, and my silliness. But everyday, he would look at me with more and more concern and uncertainty. I always end up sitting in the visitor chair and just sulk or think about our past or try to remember the accident again and again. Or I would end up getting yelled at him for being too over the top and annoying. He had never called me annoying before, especially over the top. He loves my over the top personality.
On the day that he was discharged, we threw a party. Damo loves partying because it brings the people he loves together, and he can share stories with them then. I wanted to do it at our house, the house we bought together, but his parents disapproved, saying that since he has the mind of his middle-schooler self, it’s too dangerous. We don’t want to traumatized him. They think it would be traumatizing to know that his lover is a guy and that we own a house together. So we threw it at his parent’s house and agreed that he stay with them until he remembers. Meaning if he never remembers, I will live alone without him, my love, forever.
We all have people in mind to invite and Damo’s parents actually agreed with me, for once, to invite all of his college friends, maybe because they are intellectual people. During the party, they would come up to him and tell him stories about their meet and what they do. If I approach Damo like that, with a smile or not, he would just slowly inch away. So I end up talking to others and constantly glancing at Damo. He really acts like a middle-schooler, but now with more vocabularies. Inami have been reminding him about his education and talking about politics, something Damo loves reading about, so he slowly but gradually have some of his educational memories back. He remembers snips and snips of his high school and college life, but not me. There’s no me at all still.
I was getting drinks for Yutashi and Inami, when I overheard Damo talking to one of his colleague at work. I didn’t mean too, but he’s my lover, I was used to not having secrets with him.
“I remember you!” he exclaimed. The reason that shocked me so much was that that colleague was a friend of mine whom I introduced to Damo before they started working together. It seem like he’s remembering everyone, rather little or all, but me. It was almost like I didn’t even exist.
I ran out the door before the colleague can look at me with sympathy, like everyone else was giving me that night. I went to the back door and sat down on one of the steps. The tears are now just rushing out, I continuously and angrily wipe them but they kept coming. So I gave up and just cried as I wrapped my arms around my knee, hopeless and alone.
A hand touched my back and rubbed it, it was Yutashi’s hand. I can tell because she’s the only one, aside from Inami, comforting me whenever I breakdown about Damo. She sat next to me, continuing to rub my back. I unravel my arms and wrapped it around her. She allowed me and hugged me back.
“It’s alright,” she said. “It will be alright.”
I shook my head. “It’s only me. I’m the only one he’s not remembering.”
“That’s not true,” she pushed me to see my face. She smiled as she wiped my tears using a paper towel. “I’m sure he’ll remember you. Maybe not now, but soon. You are the love of his life, Ichi.”
I took the paper towel and wiped more tears before saying, “I don’t know why he’s not remembering me.”
She said nothing for a while then asked, “What about your lost memory?”
“What about it?” I asked back as I look at her.
“I have friends and those friends are doctors, Ichika. Don’t play dumb. I know you lost an important memory,” she crossed her arm. “I thought you would tell me, but I guess you were too busy worrying about Damo. Have you even remember it?”
I shook my head. “I can’t remember it. So far, all I remember was that we were on our ways to Pewaukee for a camping trip.” Then I remembered the argument. “And I think we were arguing when the accident happened.”
She nodded. “You two were on your ways to the camping trip alright.” She looked at me with a confused face. “But you two planned that for months, why were you two arguing?”
I shrugged, “That’s the part I don’t remember.”
She sighed but with a smile. We sat in silence.
“You should go back in,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”
She studied my face for a while, debating rather to trust my words or not.
“I will,” I mastered a smile but the tears escaped and rolled down my cheek. I sighed. “I want some alone time, Yuta.”
She hugged me one last time before leaving. “Don’t be too hard on yourself,” she said as she walked back into the party that I planned and fixed up for Damo.
The thought of that brought back tears and I breakdown again. When the paper towel started breaking apart because of the non-stop tears, I angrily throw it to the ground. Somehow, that brought back a funny memories of when Damo and I were trying to save the cold and wet paper towel from falling onto the ground. It was for the feverish Yutashi. When she saw the paper towel on the floor, she sighed and told us, “You two are the worst caretakers ever. I’m never getting better if you two are taking care of me.” And then we all just laughed.
“Are you ok?” the person who asked that was more surprising than the question itself. It was Damo. I turned to him and saw him walked to me then sat down. “You were…” he pointed to the paper towel. “You were crying.”
He’s still caring, even if he doesn’t remember me. I’m glad for that. I smiled, but I’m sure it didn’t turn out like an actually smile but a sad and disoriented one.
“I’m ok,” was all I said. I didn’t want him to worry about me since I know he can be worrisome at times too.
Just like Yutashi, he studied my face, not knowing if he should trust my words. Then he said, “It’s just that, whenever I see you, you were always happy. I never thought you could cry like that.”
The thought of him watching me surprised and made me happy. Then jokingly I asked, “Why are you stalking me?”
He said back, “I wasn’t stalking you. You’re the one crying in my backyard.”
The way he said that sounded just like a middle-schooler. I couldn’t help but laughed.
“Why were you crying?” he asked, all serious suddenly. At that moment he looked just like Damo, the Damo I know and love, the Damo that cares and loves me.
Without thinking, I reached out and cupped his face as I kissed him. He tensed up for a moment, giving me hope that he remembers, then he pushed me using both hands and legs. He must have forgotten how strong he got because the rejection was so strong it sent me flying into the bushes beside the steps.
“What the hell were you doing?!” he shouted. “That’s disgusting!” Then he was gone inside the house.
I got out of the bushes, scratches everywhere, and sighed. Why did I go and do that, ruining the moment? Then I sighed again. But I miss him.
Yutashi ran out and saw me brushing leaves off of me. “What happened?”
“I don’t know what you mean?” I asked, not wanting to talk about what just happened. Damo has never rejected my kisses before, not even when he haven’t confess his love for me.
“Damogushi ran into the house and up his room,” Yutashi said. “He came from this direction.”
“I can’t help it, ok?” I looked at Yutashi. “He’s my lover. I won’t be Kagisa and pretend that he isn’t.”
“This isn’t a story, Ichi,” Yutashi sighed. “You could really traumatized him and drag him into depression because of the loss of his memories.”
When she saw that I was not going to tell her what happened, she said, “Ichi, I know it’s hard on you. But please, it’s also hard on him.”
“I got it,” I said. “I will leave him alone until he gets his memories.”
I stomped pass Yutashi and out the door into the night, away from Damo.