The Accident Memory
It’s been a week since that date day with Damo, but it was enough for me. Since then I was always alert and almost myself. The only thing missing was that accident memory that I can’t seem to remember at all. Maybe it will just appear one day. It doesn’t matter much now, because Damo is kind to me again.
He recently started texting me, which is really cute. We text each other morning and night. I would just stare at the texts sometimes and just smile. It felt like we were teenagers again. I can’t wait for him to get his memories, well, the lover memories, back. Though it’s cute that he’s texting me and sometimes even calls, it’s still lonely without him in the house. The car is still being repaired, and I’m always alone in this house that we own.
I remember the day we first agreed to live together. It took us six months of decision making and arguing to finally find this beauty. It didn’t matter how much it cost, we both fell in love with it and had to have it. So we worked hard and finally paid the debt off just recently. That’s when we decided to take a break and go camping…
The accident memory sometimes irritate me very much. Whenever I think about the camp or going to Pewaukee or us in the car, it seemed like the memory is coming but that’s it. It never arrives. It feels like it’s right there, but it’s not at the same time.
My doorbell rings and I’m confused. Yutashi still have work and Inami stopped coming over to get Damo’s things already, so who could it be at this day and time? I went to the door, but as soon as I reach the door, my phone ringed.
It was Damo. I smiled as I answered, “Hello?” I reached for the door knot.
“Guess who?” he asked.
“Silly, it has your caller ID…” the voice was also coming from the other side of the door. I smiled and opened it. Damo stood there smiling as well. “Well then.”
“Surprise!” he said. Then he end the call and came to me, giving me a hug.
“What? What is this? What’s happening?” I asked as I chuckled, but I don’t reject his hug, I pulled him in closer in fact.
He let me then said, “I miss you.”
When he saw my surprised face, he put up his hands in defense, “I still don’t have all my memories of you back.” Then he smiled, “But I miss you.” Shyly, he added, “I ache for you.”
I step aside then said, “Come on in.” He did. I closed the door then asked him, “What’s with the change of heart? Miss me that bad?”
He smirked. “I don’t know what happened, but snips of memories of you keep coming and each time,” he stared at me like I am a delicious cake, “it gets more and more interesting.”
“Oh?” I asked as I stare at him as well.
“I want to spend some times with you,” he said. Then he reached out and caress my cheek. “I want to know what about you that is so interesting.”
I grab his hand on my cheek and turned to kiss it. “Whatever you want my Damo.”
He stared at me like I was a delicious cake again then smirked, so lustful and delicious as well. I miss that look on his face. It actually turns me on.
He brought his other hand to my face and cupped it. I let him lean down and softly kissed me. I melt into the kiss, it’s been two months since we last kissed. It’s been too long. I missed it so bad that it’s driving me crazy. I put my hands on his hip and brought him closer to me.
“You’re turning me on,” I warned him. “I won’t be responsible if you break down like last time.”
He chuckled. “Try me.”
That was my last straw, I kissed him harder and deeper, showing him how hungry I was for him. His tongue chased after mine and I let him snake one of his hand to my head and tangled it with my hair while the other pulled me closer as it caressed my back. I pushed up to his body, rubbing my hard on to his, surprisingly.
I smiled as I broke from the kiss and grab his hand. He looked daze and so hot. I pulled his hand and lead him to our master bedroom. He didn’t pulled away, he followed me as he kept his eyes on me the walk there. I pulled him into the room as he chuckled and pulled me with him. I kicked the door, it swing forward and click shut as we fumble to undress each other.
I woke up to the beautiful warmth next to me. I moved closer to him and love how perfectly we fit together. I opened my eyes and stared at his beauty. Damo’s sleeping face was an angelic sight to me. It has always been and always will be.
I smiled as I thought back on what was right in our relationship. Every relationship aren’t perfect and though we do have our downfalls, there were so many rightness to our relationship. The way we fit together so perfectly, rather that’s physically or in the mind. The way we always seem to understand each other without much talking and the way we always just agree or disagree on something. The way we love each other, the way we looked at each other, and the way we just live together with pure happiness. I love him. I love him so much. I would never wish to break up with him.
That thought, however, knocked air out of my lung. I love Damo, yet I know somehow that I have already thought and talked about being away from him. Away from this pure happiness.
Suddenly, I remembered.
“I don’t want a breakup,” I said as I tighten my grip on the steering wheel.
“Oh, then what do you call it?” Damo asked. He’s sitting next to me but he felt so far away.
“I just want some time to myself. To think. By myself.”
“That’s called a breakup, Hon,” he said, like whatever I’m trying to explain doesn’t matter.
Angrily, I said, “I still want to be with you. It’s just that I want some times alone.”
“Oh, so you are saying that you still want to have the title as my boyfriend, still live together, and still fuck, but the freedom to go out and choose whatever bait you want until you feel satisfied? A broken and fucked up marriage, that’s what you want?”
His voice kept changing from anger to calmness to anger again.
“Damo,” I said. “That’s not what I want.”
“Have you ever thought of what I want?” he asked, his voice on the edge of a breakdown now. “All I ever wanted was you to be honest and tell your family about us. I went through the trouble to introduce you! You walked into my life happily. Why can’t I do the same?You’re just pushing me away because you wouldn't do what I did.” When I said nothing, he added, “You know what, let’s breakup.”
My anger is now replaced by despaired. “What?”
“You’re the one who wants to break up, so let’s break up. There’s no use in clenching to the titles of boyfriends if we’re just going to be fucking around. I sticked to you for a whole decade. I can’t bear seeing another man take you in front of me.”
“Damo, I told you - “
“Stop lying to yourself, Ichika,” he shouted.
Instead of feeling that he’s too far away, now the car’s feeling a little too small for the both of us.
“Since you wanted a break up so bad, let’s do it.” He sounded final, like nothing else would change his mind.
“Damo, that’s not,” I stopped myself. If it’s not what I wanted, then what did I want? Irritation took over when I realized how long we’ve been in this same spot.
“What the fuck is up with this traffic?!” I yelled as I angrily slam my hands on the steering wheel.
“Don’t break the fucking car,” Damo shouted without raising his voice. He’s right next to me but felt and sounded so far away. “This is our car and I won’t forgive you for breaking it.”
I give in to my anger and glanced at him. I saw that he was as angry, irritated, and scared as I was.
I sighed, “I - “
I couldn’t even finish that one and short syllable when a sharp pain pierced and expanded through my right side as crashes and screams emerged from all around.
My instinct took over me, not feeling any pain at all, I turned to Damo to look for him and pulled him into the safeness of my arms. But then I saw him, his hand reaching out to me and him crushed between metals, blood everywhere. Everywhere.
I sat up and screamed, fully aware that I was screaming in reality now and not in the memory that just came back.
A hand touched my back and I went silence as I turned to his warmth and pulled him close and tight. Then I was sobbing as tears stream down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” Damo asked with concern.
I tired to answer but the sobbing was in the way, so I couldn’t say anything.
“A nightmare?” he hugged me tighter.
I wanted to tell him, but instead I am nodding my head. No, I thought, I rather not have him known.
“Just a nightmare,” my voice shook as I hugged him tighter.
We stayed like that that whole morning, until Damo pulled me to shower and then to breakfast.
I couldn’t stop looking at him with guilt and regret. Why did I wanted to break up? How did we even come to that point?
Oh, I remembered. It’s because we talked about the camp. He wanted a proper introduction into my life, and I panicked. I wasn’t sure how my family would react. They hate me but I couldn’t have them hate Damo as well. He’s the love of my life. I couldn’t have that happen.
“What’s wrong?” Damo asked as he set a plate of pancakes in front of me. “You’ve been silent this whole time. You can tell me, you know.”
That’s right. Instead of telling him about my problems, I kept it to myself and hope to resolve it by myself. Just like I did it to my family as well when I pushed my family away. I thought it was different with him, that I really could tell him everything. But it turned out, even ten years together can’t erase the fact that I was too self-righteous and selfish.
“Ichika?” Damo touched my shoulder and I tensed up.
Should I tell him? No, would I dare? Would I dare bring up my own embarrassment? No, it isn’t the right time. Not when he doesn’t remember everything.
“Damo,” I said as I looked away. “Can you please leave?”
I felt his hand on shoulder tensed up. “What?” he sounded confused.
I said it louder, “Can you leave? I want some alone time.”
“Ichi - “
“Leave!” I shouted, realizing that I was redoing the accident memory. I calmed down then said, “Please.”
He let go of my shoulder. He gathered his things then left without another word.
I remember sitting there, just thinking over and over the memory that I just got back. His hand reaching out to me. Blood. Everywhere.
Why? Why did this happened to us?
I hugged my knees and shook as I cried.
It hurts. It hurts much more then when Damo forgot about me. How did I disappointed myself? How did I disappointed Damo?
I don’t even know how much timed passed. At some point, Yutashi must have found the spare key and opened the door. Then she covered me with a blanket as she brew some tea. The smell was very soothing. She was talking but I wasn’t listening at all.
Damo’s hand wouldn’t leave my mind. Always reaching out to me. I tried so hard to grab and hold it, but he always seem so far away.
More and more, blood blurred my vision and I passed out.