Memories of my First Love

Dark, mysterious eyes.

Pink, soft lips.

Strong, firm jaws.

That perfect smile.

I don't quite remember when I started falling for him. Not even why or how. I just know I love him so much--too much.

He was your typical bad boy. Breaking rules and breaking hearts. And I was the typical nerd. Books and eyeglasses. And braces. But unlike the typical nerd, I was quite popular. I have many friends. Well, thanks to my parents. I was expected to be the next big thing, the only child, the next Dr. Lañez of Cebu. At the young age of 13, I still can't understand what that actually means.

"She should be cute without those braces," I heard one of his friends said as I walked past them. It's not hard to figure out that they were talking about me. There were only a few students wearing braces in our school and I was the only one passing by.

I don't think there's something wrong with my braces but I do understand that most people have their own perception of beauty. Boys in our school decided that I don't fit the bill. But then again, no relationship in our school lasted for more than six months. It was like watching movies after movies with different pairs of love teams. Why would I want such temporary relationship?

"Nah," he said in disagreement. "I think she's cute even with those braces."

On instinct, I turned to him with a frown. I didn't expect that answer from him--especially not from him. He was watching me, his eyes not even flinching as our eyes met. I glared at him--at least that's what he said.

It was Valentine’s Day when he walked to our room, a guitar on hand and a rose tied to it by a red ribbon. The girls were shouting like crazy fans on the concert of their favorite boy band and there I was frowning at him because he was looking at me. He charmed our teacher to sing a song. He’s a senior, two years older than me, so it’s a wonder why he’s in our class.

"Just one song," he promised.

The whole school knows he loves to sing but his genre is more of rock and upbeat songs. Maybe that's why everyone kept quiet when he strummed his guitar into a different beat. It was slow. And even though I know the song, it was like listening to it for the first time.

it's her hair and her eyes today

that just simply take me away

and the feeling that I'm falling further in love

makes me shiver but in a good way

I tapped my fingers against my desk as his voice serenades the room. It was a rendition of Out of My League by Stephen Speaks. The song had turned into a ballad and with his voice, it sounded much better. He was watching his fingers against the guitar strings as he sang and no one made a sound as we watched him perform his piece. I remember that moment so well. The way his voice was filled with so much longing. So much emotion in every line. He made my heart flutter with just one song--just like everyone in the room.

coz I love her with all that I am

and my voice shakes along with my hands

cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea

but I'd rather be here than on land

yes she's all that I see and she's all that I need

and I'm out of my league once again

He ended the song, leaving us all at the edge of our seat. I was caught off guard when he raised his head and turned to me. I heard my classmates gasp and I heard my heart beating fast against my chest. He walked to me, held out his hand and handed the red rose.

Slow motions.

And fast heart beats.

I can tell the story over and over again and it would still be the same: Magic.

He started courting me, much to the surprise of the whole school. He had less and less time bumming around and had more and more time in the library, much to the dismay of his avid followers.

I didn't know what hit him then cause even I cannot understand how he suddenly came to see me. The courting went for more than a year.

Flowers and chocolates.

Dates and surprises.

All those things came even after the courting.

Love?

It came much later. It came after the big fights. It came after the misunderstandings. It came when we both decided to love in spite of everything good and bad.

But I came to truly understand love when I was willing to do everything for him.

Everything.

Even if it means hurting us both.

Four years in the relationship and he started changing--we both did, I guess. The love was still there stronger than ever.

The dates.

The surprises.

They never changed.

But the sparkle in his eyes, they started fading. He was always staring at a distant place, a place where he can be everything he ever wished to be. He was dying inside.

Men--humans, in general, are goal oriented. We thrive for purpose and for him, that is very much true.

He had been receiving offers to be part of a band. But he turned them down. Actually, his father didn't allow him. His father never supported his love for music. He wanted him to focus on becoming the next heir of their family business instead.

It's something we have in common. We were both expected to fill our parent’s shoes.

But his father died a year ago and his latest offer was by an international band looking for a guitarist.

"I don't want to be away from you,"

He turned them down and it made me realize that although love can be true, it can also create boundaries. Boundaries from other people and boundaries from our own dreams. Love, no matter how beautiful, can turn into a toxic relationship.

I love him.

He loves me.

But I don't want to love a dead person.

And I don't want to accept a half-hearted love from a person who wants to chase a life-long dream.

"Let's break up,"

He glared at me. He never liked break-up jokes and I wish this was one of the times when I am experiencing my worst mood swings. But it's a not a joke, nor an out of the blue idea. I thought about it for months. Prayed for it.

"I'm serious," I said in a cold voice. "Let's break up."

He stopped to face me, his grasp tightening warmly around mine. It's a little over midnight and we were at the park. The stars feasting over the moonless sky. The wind blowing the fallen winds towards us and away from us. The silence hanging in the air as he studied my face, waiting for me to retract my statement.

But I never plan to. I just want to get over this so I can mourn in peace at the corners of my room.

"Why?" his voice is dripping with distress.

I shrugged. Acting like it doesn't matter. Like it doesn't hurt. "I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of us."

"You're lying,"

I was so close to giving in when I saw the pain in his eyes. His face flushed. His tears threatening to fall. He is in utter pain and for a moment I forgot why I'm doing this.

"What did I do wrong?" he shook his head. "What can I do? Let's fix this," he pulled me closer and reached for my other hand.

I love it when he holds my hand. I love the warmth they bring. I love that it is his hands. But even this, I have to let go. I have to let him go. For his sake. For the sake of both of us.

"You can't. We can't," I said, trying to look firm when I'm already breaking inside. "Let's... Let's just break up."

"No! Baby, please," he begged.

I tried to pull back my hands but he didn't let go. Instead, he pulled me for a hug. A tight hug. Like he never wants to let me go.

And I let him. I let him hug me. Even for the last time. I want to be hugged by him. I want to etch his warmth in my memory. I want to memorize every part of him because I know I will never love anyone the way I love him. I will never find a better love than this.

But even the greatest love story falls. Jack and Rose. Romeo and Juliet. Their love failed. Not everyone can be like Cupid and Psyche. Not all love can have a happy ending.

I took a deep breath before finally pushing him away as hard as I can.

"Goodbye Kiel," I said before turning my back. But I saw the tears fall from his eyes. I saw the pain. I saw desperation.

And I know I should start running. I should start running away from him because if I don't, I would run back to him.

And it would ruin both of us.

People might think I was stupid. Who would let go of such love? Who would let go of such man? I guess at times someone has to.

If I didn't let go, the world wouldn't hear his songs. The world wouldn't know how sexy he looks as his fingers slide against the string of his guitar. The world wouldn't know how his voice can blend to anyone's. No one would see the fierceness of his passion. The way his eyes sparkles whenever he talks about the things he loves. No one would hear the trembling of his voice. Like he would cry over that painful song he keeps on writing.

Ezekiel Bertelli.

Before everyone knew him as Zeke of the band 'Silent Beat'.

He was mine.

My first love.

My first heartbreak.

The one that got away.