Misery Is Such Sweet Company

So here I am, gazing at the abyss. The fucking darkness that has been a part of me for years now. I don't know what to do with it. All the things I've written down boil down to the same thing, hopelessness. It's not like I'm surprised, I've been so familiar with it. I'd welcome anything other than this feeling of drowning, as if everything might fall apart for me. I've tried over the years to tame it, but when it comes, it comes like a fucking hurricane. It is simply a part of who I am. I've been wearing masks for each group of people in my life. Sometimes the darkness seeps through but I think they never noticed. Why do people kill themselves? I guess it all comes back to being able to feel more than necessary. If you think about it really hard, most of the people that take their lives are those who've been through so much shit, people who have experienced what it's like to be 'down' there. Because once you've been there, it changes your perspective, I dunno if it's for the better or for worst. All I know is that it leaves you scarred. Some people can talk about their fears like it's a common thing, sometimes I wish I could do the same. If you were to ask me what the fuck I'm doing with my life, my answer is that I have no fucking idea. To tell you the truth, I wish everything would end for me. I don't know why I'm saying these things but I feel like I need to let it out before I implode. Writing this shit down is the only thing I have, if I don't I'd probably be thinking about how it'd feel to be falling down from the 3rd floor of the nearest shopping mall.