"Mom, I..." I started but then the words got stuck in my throat. I swallowed. I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to put it into words.
Again, I just stare at her, like all the other days I was doing when I visited her.
It was a week ago when I was notified by her doctor that she was at the hospital. She said I was the only one in the contact information and that "my mother" was in a critical condition. After that call, I just laughed. Of course I would be the only one in her contact information, after all I'm her only son, and why wouldn't her condition be critical, she's an old woman and one that just had a heart attack for god' sake.
The next day, I tried again.
"Mom," I started again, "I..." I stopped, her eyes were moving then stopped. That's the most she moved in all days. So I decided to gave her a rest and said no more.
They next day, I decided to go on more than just "Mom" or "I..."
But I just end up starting at her again.
Then Hannah came in. She's the evening nurse and a very rude and talkative one.
"You're such a good son," she said. "No one visits his mother this much, every single days never missing one."
Oh Hannah, no son just sit and stare at his mother, trust me. And every one visits their mother, staying over night even.
"Don't you have a job?"
It's call taking vacation, Hannah-honey.
"I bet your mother loves you."
... Now that is a statement that will have to be debated.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you, Mister. Excuse me," she said as she finally leaves.
After my watch beats, I got up and leaves as well.
I debated rather I wanted to visit her again today but there are words that have to be exchanged, though I reckon she can talk back. So I got up and went to the hospital, sat at the usual place, and stare at my mother.
After Kelly, the morning nurse, came in to change my mother and leaves, I decided to start it again.
"Mom, I..." I started again but suddenly, I changed it. "... You... never really did love me, did you?"
She didn't said anything. Chuckles were suddenly released by me. How silly. Of course she can't answer back. She's half way between life and death.
After a couple minutes, I started again.
"Mom, you have always told me to use the 'I' statements, and I always did. But not everything was just about me mom. You--you lied to me.
"Mom, you told me happiness would always come if I worked hard enough and that happiness was something given to everyone by God. In that case, mom... you lied to me.
"Mom... you... you will never be forgiven by me... not even in death. The things you did, the things you promised, the people you hurt... Mom, why did you lied to me?"
Again I laughed. Why am I even asking questions when she can't answer them? How would I make this understandable?
"But Mom... you never really love me, did you?" Again, I forgot she couldn't answer back. "I'm sorry," I laughed.
"Mom... I will never forgive you.
"I will never forgive you for not choosing that adoption deal.
"I will never... you will never be forgiven for carrying me for nine months just to give birth to me to this cruel world; to this world you knew would hurt me.
"You will never be forgiven for your lies, trying to boost me with delusions just so I can keep on going.
"You knew, mom. Yet you still gave birth to me and watched me grow with constant hurts in this always cruel world."
I stared at her face and remembered her youth. Blonde hair instead creamy white hair; silky and smooth skin instead of dry and wrinkled ones; a cherry smile instead of a non-moving line.
"And now... you are leaving me," I said at last. "Why did you even brought me here? Did you think that I would be happy and proud of you for it? Did you think that unlike you, I might like this cruel world? Did you think that--" I realized that I'm asking questions again.
I sighed. "Mom... you never really did love me, did you?"
Suddenly I realized that her machines stopped beeping. After a split second it started beeping again, a different melody now, more loud and urgent.
"But..." I said at last, "Mom, I will never forgive you and forever, I will always love you. So thank you, for doing nothing but being my mother."