I have always had troubles with staying awake. My body discharges energy so quickly that, you'd think I have a broken battery. But I'm not a machine, I'm human.
I started drinking coffee because it helps. Not because I like it, but because my body needs it. The caffeine needs to run through my veins. To keep me awake. To make me stay in the real world. To make sure that I am as real as everyone else.
I don't stay because I like it. I stay because sleep is as painful as reality. There are monsters that I try to keep at bay. "You're not real" I tell them. "You don't actually exist and everything is just fiction." But then I get back to this world and see as many nightmares. So why do I still bother? I actually don't know.
Would death be better than life?
Is being asleep better than being awake?
Is shutting down better than functioning?
I don't know...
I don't know.
Whenever I feel pain it assures me that I am alive. Joy is only temporary. Fleeting. Pain stays longer. Like an unwanted guest. I try to drive it away but it comes back nevertheless. Until I'm not sure who owns which anymore. Am I a person? Or the living embodiment of pain?
The other world is just as bad. I don't get tired so I keep on running. Sometimes, there is a long drop that doesn't end. Other times there is just darkness. But never....never....never was there any dreams for me to take. I wake up with tears dried up on my cheeks. I wake up catching my breath. I wake up drowned in my own sweat. Not refreshed but more tired than the time before the slumber.
So now I try to find more ways to stay awake. I drink more and more coffee. My fingers tremble. My throat dries up. I see shadows moving about. But I still stay awake. Because wherever I go, they chase me, they run me down.
There is no escape for me. There are no dreams. No happy endings. No route that leads to light. Only nightmares.